Survival Project
by diamondpearl876
Summary: This trainer is different. Everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. OT journey fic. COMPLETE.
1. all or nothing

Hello~ Most of you probably don't know me since it's been a very long time since I've posted anything, but that's okay. I'm trying to get back into reading/writing fanfic, so hopefully I'll be able to help others with their writing somehow and get some constructive criticism myself.

This will be an OT journey fic, with each chapter told from the point of view of a pokémon belonging to the main trainer. The point of view will rotate but will not go in any specific order, and the pokémon will be identified (by nickname) with the chapter name.

Rated PG-13 for language, violence, and some mature themes.

Any and all comments are appreciated.

**SURVIVAL PROJECT**

_Mind led body_

_to the edge of the precipice._

_They stared in desire_

_at the naked abyss._

_If you love me, said mind,_

_take that step into silence._

_If you love me, said body,_

_turn and exist._

_- "Vertigo" by Anne Stevenson_

chapter 1 ; [SENORI]

all or nothing

I never saw him coming.

Was I too young? Was my tail not yet long enough to help me stand high enough to watch for danger? Who was to say that my tail was going to grow any longer? And how old was I, anyway? Younger sentret had always been susceptible and vulnerable to such restrictions, but we had no developed, concrete idea of age, just loyalty and ability. I only knew that I was old enough to be shunned by my clan and I was old enough to be blamed for the catastrophe that preceded the banishment.

Was it sleep deprivation? I was alone, after all. There was no one to switch shifts with because no one wanted to defy the clan and end up in my position, too. I could have dozed off without realizing it, and snapped back awake and pushed back the memory into the back of my mind just as quickly... But I'd trained for much of my life to do this. To protect. Sleep was never an issue, not even when I failed-once. Just once. After standing guard almost all day, every day, nothing as pathetic as sleep should have interfered.

It always seemed like there was some kind of opposition to every aspect of my life. It always seemed like life and fate were trying to show me that things could never go completely right or completely wrong, that it all fell somewhere in between and that was how it was meant to be. I never questioned this idea until now, when I thought that I should've felt his presence or smelled him or seen him. He still would have attacked. He still would have taken and given... everything. But things would have made some sort of sense if I had seen something, anything.

And yet-

I never saw him coming.

It's funny, I guess. Humans are supposed to make some kind of mark when walking through the forest like the one I lived in. They're supposed to snap twigs or leave footprints or mess with the branches and leaves on the trees simply out of boredom. Even if the human that attacked me hadn't done any of this, I still should have seen his shadow with help from the few sun rays pouring through the tree canopies. Or a blur as ran behind me because he was... fast, so very fast.

This human, he was different.

I first noticed that he wasn't just another pokémon when he suddenly came from behind me and swung his leg out to hit the side of my tail as quickly and as hard as he could, causing me to immediately lose my balance and fall face forward into the ground. And as I fell, I was expecting to see claws. Paws. Not human flesh caked with dried dirt and blood.

To say that I was a bit surprised would be an understatement. Before, I was walking around the forest, making sure that everything seemed peaceful. I thought that I was paying attention. Not only had he attacked me after being completely undetected, but I had never seen a human attack anyone before. Only pokémon seemed capable of and willing to face the challenge in the past. I didn't know how to react to this new situation. So I simply remained where I was, silently hoping against hope that he would realize that I wasn't worth the effort and walk away. And then it hit me that this human was a threat to my clan. If he was willing to hurt me, then he would be willing to hurt any other pokémon. And they didn't know he was here. Of course I was the only one that knew he was here.

And of course I was choosing to just... _lie on the ground_. Though my intentions were true, my confidence was gone. There was no one to cheer me on from the side, no one to acknowledge my efforts, no one to come and assist me at times like these, when things were going wrong.

I didn't really know what else to do. What could I do? Scream? My clan would ignore me and think that I was looking for attention or help for absolutely nothing. I could run to them, but I would probably lead the attacker straight to them. Unacceptable. But I couldn't attack, that much was clear. I didn't know how to track him, I couldn't even see him move properly, and I didn't feel that pokémon and humans should fight. For a moment, I wished that I had had previous experience with fighting humans, but that seemed to be the same as wishing for more attacks on my clan, so I pushed the thought away.

Suddenly, I realized that time had passed, and the human had done nothing else. Time was passing with him standing silently nearby and with me doing nothing but thinking too much. He was most likely waiting for me to do something.

Eventually, I lifted my head up slowly, carefully. Mud clung to my face in response to disturbing it, causing the view before me to falter. All I saw were bits and pieces of branches swaying with the wind, bits and pieces of trees just sitting. And watching. Just as they always do. It was all so peaceful and life was so easy for them and they didn't even know it and that would never know and I would always, always know and-

And maybe, just maybe, there were bits and pieces of a stream in my view. Water moving gently in the only direction it knows, going nowhere at full speed. I might have been imagining it, and I sure hope that I was, because if that were true, that would mean the attacker was very close to my clan and I didn't want that. I didn't want that at all.

There were no signs of the human's presence. Fate had sent danger my way and didn't want me to see it, apparently.

I thought that my attacker was still behind me, because it didn't make sense for him to send me sprawling toward the mud only to leave. Finally, I stood up, clenching my tiny hands. I turned around quickly and pulled my fist back, intending to use my sucker punch attack, but no one was there. Briefly, I thought that I had fallen over on my own, and that I was torturing myself by creating visions of a human, believing that it would waste its time on me before realizing its mistake, since no pokémon in the forest would make that mistake ever again.

But those thoughts were interrupted when, from the corner of my eyes, I saw him trying to kick me from the side this time. I didn't even have time to move an inch from my new position before he was pinning me to the ground with his foot. And he bent down, tried to pick me up with his hands. This was the only honest attempt I made during this so-called battle: I bit him. I bit him hard and he didn't cry out but he stopped trying to pick me up and instead, he pressed his foot down harder. And harder. Sharp pains coursed through my jaw; sharp pains flowed through my body so effortlessly, yet in deformed rhythms. I sank further and further into the mud, an everlasting reminder of what defeat really is. And I screamed. I wailed.

My cry echoed and echoed and time passed and it was still just the two of us at the end of it all.

No one was coming to help me and I wasn't going to help myself and finally, finally, he stopped pinning me down and he stepped over me, turned to face me. And he stood there, his fist raised, blood seeping down his right hand to his elbows and inevitably to the innocent forest floor. His tense face had no clear expression; his dark eyes showed no feeling. And I knew, I knew that he was trying to say that he was waiting for me to do something. That he thought I was too slow and needed some kind of false hope.

I didn't move. I didn't say anything. I was giving in, and at the same time, I wasn't. He could have me, as long as he left my clan alone.

Eventually, he moved toward me again. Slowly. Carefully. He shouldn't have been giving out second chances. But he did and I didn't take them as he pulled his arm back and as his fist collided with my body with more force than I could ever imagine a human having. The world seemed to be spinning as I fell back into the mud and saw the sky looking down on me instead of the human. And then there was nothing.

Before I fainted, I could have sworn I heard him sigh and look... disappointed. That was the very first emotion I saw from him, and I will always remember it. But I didn't know what he was expecting. Pokémon are supposed to fight other pokémon, not humans. Was this guy a trainer? He couldn't have been, and maybe I just hadn't spent enough time with him yet, but there was nothing else truly... _off_ about him at this point. Except for the emotionless face and the fact that he wasn't wearing shoes because he was kicking me around, he looked somewhat like all the other young trainers that passed through here with his unkempt black hair, a plain black t-shirt, and shorts that were frayed at the bottom.

Had he not attacked me, I would have thought that he was just like everyone else.

He was different, though.

His movements: silent, yet loud enough to shake the earth and throw it off balance. His words: non-existent, yet sharp enough to break the skin.

When I regained consciousness, I felt a dull, soft throbbing on the side of my head. I was able to open my eyes, though it didn't help the dizziness that accompanied the pain. Confused at first because everything seemed blurry, I kept blinking and my vision slowly became clear.

The first thing I noticed was that the mud on my face was gone.

The second thing I noticed was that I was propped up against a tree and I could see the area where my body was facing the ground not long ago.

And third? My attacker was sitting right next to me, just staring off into the distance, seemingly unaware of my awakening. I thought that I would have been better off unconscious, or at least with my eyes pasted shut. I did not want to see what he was capable of doing next.

I was able to relax, however, when I was able to understand that the forest, aside from our pathetic battlefield, was left untouched. My clan wasn't running around, some panicking at the idea of danger, some preparing to fight. But if they showed up and saw this human next to me, this human so calloused and dirty and void of emotion, they would know that he was some kind of fighter. And they would hate me even more for allowing this threat to be let free.

I wanted to just get up and run. Physically, I didn't know if it was possible. The human had come pretty close to successfully crushing my skull, after all. I was also tired and lacking in energy and motivation. He would catch me easily. What I also wanted to do was tell the human that it wasn't his fault that I wanted to run, that it wasn't his fault that I didn't want to give him a second chance. That it wasn't his fault that I thought I deserved to be attacked the way I was. Of course, I didn't think that he would understand me anyway. In the end, everything I did would have been in vain.

Realizing this, I sighed. I didn't mean to. I really didn't.

Before, the human was just leaning against the tree and he had his arms wrapped around his legs, holding his knees close to his face, his left hand holding on his right wrist. His bloody wrist. And he seemed all right, aside from the dark, dark red painted on his skin. He really did.

But I sighed and that slight noise made him turn his head in my direction immediately and he stared at me with those cold, dark eyes and with a face that I couldn't quite read, no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. And the grip on his own hands tightened around his right wrist and didn't seem to want to let go as he allowed his knuckles to turn white. White as snow. Whiter than white. I should have been scared. Anyone else would have been scared, but all I could think about was how he was threatening the circulation to his hands by doing so and it wasn't his fault at all. Somehow, it was mine.

"You're awake," he said after a few more moments of nothing.

So much for running. I jumped a bit when he spoke, because I hadn't even thought about him trying to communicate with me and I wasn't expecting his voice to sound both hollow and childish at once. I wasn't sure how that was possible, but that was the best way to describe it at the time.

Moments before, I was regretting making a sound, but now, I wanted to say something again. That, again, it wasn't his fault-but that wouldn't mean anything. What would I have told the children from my clan to do? I would tell them to play along. Get on his good side, act cheerful, and leave whenever the right opportunity presented itself. An opportunity that showed no potential for revenge, anger, or other threats.

"Stating the obvious, are we?" I said, trying to ignore the pain in my jaw, trying to make myself feel lighthearted in order to offer him a somewhat sincere chuckle or smile.

"Yes, I guess I am."

"Look, I-" I cut myself off when I realized that he had actually responded to me. Understood me. Did he, really? This human was different, yes, but it didn't seem likely that he would mistake a genuine, happy response for some sarcastic and somewhat insulting comment directed at him. And suddenly, nothing made sense again.

"Why... Why do you understand me?" I managed to ask even with his stare burning holes into me again and again.

"Am I not supposed to?"

"You're... not supposed to know what I was saying, no. New trainers come by here with their pokémon all the time. They have to try to read their pokémon's body language and gestures first, and the language will come in time, I assume, since I've seen older trainers come by, too... I don't understand..." I stopped myself after I realized that I was rambling.

"If it helps you, I can pretend to not understand."

"If it helps me to do what?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably against the rough trunk of the tree.

"Become stronger."

His answer sort of explained why he felt the need to attack me earlier. He wanted to test my strength. The outcome, apparently, was that I was weak. That, I could understand, at least. But there was something missing.

"Why would you need me to get stronger?"

Perhaps the only time he couldn't seem to look at me that day was before he answered, "We're going on a journey. For the badges here in Johto. I'm sure you've seen others do it, right? They told me to go and find the first pokémon I saw and capture it, and that was you. The meeting was different than I expected, but... you'll have to do."

"I still don't-"

"You're my first pokémon, Senori."

The human sounded so sure of himself, but I wasn't sure at all. This would mean leaving my clan. Not that they wanted me, but I was convinced that they still needed me. All of them. They just didn't know it. I couldn't leave and come back to find them maimed or eaten or burned to the ground with the rest of the forest or anything else. The blame would go to me-again. No, no, no. And who was Senori? Clearly, it was me, but that wasn't my name. I had never heard it before in my life, but there it was, directed at me, as if I had possessed it my entire life. But the finality of his words almost made my heart stop. Almost made everything seem okay and... real.

I decided to start with the idea that was most likely to help me keep my sanity.

"Um... I'm sorry, but that's not my name. I'm usually called-"

"I don't care what anyone's called you. Your name is Senori," he interrupted, his gaze focused on me once more.

"Fine. It doesn't matter, because I'm not going anywhere with you." I paused for a moment, realizing my quick temper toward him could get me into more trouble if I wasn't careful. He didn't reply, just smiled slightly, as if what I was saying meant nothing. After a few moments, I smiled, too, and continued, "You didn't even catch me in a pokéball. All trainers get their first pokémon in New Bark Town, anyway, which is very close to here. I don't know who helps you start out, really, but I'm sure you can ask around."

The human's eyes widened, as if what I had said now was some kind of revelation that needed to be made known to the entire world. "But that's not what they told me to do. I just listened. I just listened..." His voice trailed off, and he appeared to be lost in thought before he came up with what he thought was an appropriate response. "You're coming with me, and I'll get a pokémon in... New Bark Town, too. That way, I'm doing it right for everyone."

I wondered why this boy didn't know how to start his own pokémon journey properly. Every child always talked on and on about how they imagined their first day as a trainer ever since they learned about the idea of going out, raising all of their favorite creatures and making friends, and becoming so free, so independent, so strong. I started to think that, maybe, his parents kept him sheltered from the idea... but I didn't see how that was possible. There was no way that he would not have heard the fact that he could leave for his journey at the age of ten. Maybe his parents forbid him to go, but he went anyway, and he didn't want to talk to whoever gave out starting pokémon, and he was feigning innocence, but...

I was getting nowhere with these senseless thoughts. That was my problem: I thought too much, and I knew next to nothing. All I knew was that I wasn't leaving with him, and that I would have to get him away from me and out of this forest somehow. Someone else would have to take care of him. There's always someone who wants nothing more than to hold someone else's hand until they know it's time to let go.

"Okay," I said, and realized it was the wrong thing to say when his eyes brightened, just a little bit. "Um... I'll go with you to New Bark Town and see what I can do about helping you get that real first pokémon in your first real pokéball. But then I'm out of here. I have family and friends that I need to stay with."

In response to the last sentence, the words stuck in my throat while his face contorted with fury and he clenched his fists again. "You can't go," he said firmly, looking down at the ground. "You can't ruin this for me. You can't."

"Ruin what? Your journey? There are plenty of other sentret on the other side of Cherrygrove, if you really want one. Just... It can't be me."

"It has to be you. There is no one else but you." He stopped, reached into his pocket and I could feel myself tense up quickly. He pulled out a small object shaped like a cube. It had smooth, rounded corners. It was white with a varying amount of black dots placed randomly on each side. I didn't know what the black parts meant, but it seemed harmless enough, so I relaxed and settled against the tree once more. I remained calm even as he forcefully handed the object to me.

"What's this for?" I asked, struggling to hold it in my rather diminutive paws.

"It's a standard six-sided die. Roll it."

"Excuse me? Roll it?"

"Yes."

"I don't know what you mean..."

"Just roll it. Throw it. Whatever. I can't do it for you or it won't mean anything."

"I... Um..."

"It's been with me for years. It lasted all this time, survived all the obstacles thrown its way, only to end up in your hands. Only you can roll it." He pushed the paw holding the die toward my chest, causing me to feel a pressure similar to when his foot was pressed against my body. My bones ached, and somehow, I felt my heart when I thought that it was gone. "There is no one else but you," he added, placing emphasis on each and every word.

"What happens when I roll it?" I asked, not quite ready to give in. I was never sure of others unless I knew them personally. I was always careful to not get caught up in someone else's lies or bad intentions. I was sure that here was some good in everyone, but this belief couldn't make me any less wary of him. I didn't trust him and I kept wanting to ask and ask and ask, which made sense, but I wanted to learn more and I didn't know why.

"You'll see that I am right."

I couldn't gather the courage needed to ask anything else. I thrust my paw forward, releasing the object, my eyes never leaving it. It rolled around in the grass before determinedly landing on the side with a single black dot on it. I didn't feel a thing, but his smile was so, so wide, and I was more interested in the object after seeing him like that.

"See? You're number one. There is no one else but you. Even if that pokémon from New Bark Town is supposed to be my first, it won't be. It never will be." He reached forward and grabbed the die delicately, as if he was scared that it might break if he wasn't careful. He held it up high, toward the small amount of sun that was able to pour through the tree canopies. "I'll keep it in my pocket so that you'll always know, Senori. And so everyone else will know. Let's go. Now."

I was reluctant, I swear. I always wanted to be loved, needed. I couldn't help it. I was especially desperate since that terrible incident. And being called number one, well, that fit right into my desires. But I wanted to be loved by the family that I grew up with. The members that I swore to protect from the moment they were born. But they weren't there when this human came to me and they weren't here now and who was I to say that they would definitely be with me at any point in the future? This was my chance. My opportunity. Not theirs. Never would it be theirs. I knew all of this, but I still didn't want to go.

"...Okay. Let's go. But, um... I'm sorry, but I don't know your name." I paused. Stay optimistic. Stay happy and believe in fate. For them, forever and always. "Should I decide it for you?"

And I started to think that, maybe, I was unsure about him and didn't want to leave because-

"My name? My name is Sai."

-I just didn't want him to be right.

We started walking, away from the sight of the attack and away from my clan. But I didn't say good-bye. Not yet. We'd have to turn around and come back, and then... Well, I didn't know what I would do then. I tried to turn around to look back, as if it really was my last time seeing this place, but Sai was blocking my way.

"I'm carrying you because it will go faster," he said, annoyed by my constant movement. "From here on out, you could just walk and suck it up."

I wanted to protest and say that he was the one who had caused the pain to begin with, and that if he hadn't come along and ruined everything, then I'd be just fine.

"So... why can you understand me already?" I asked instead.

"That doesn't matter. Are we close yet?"

"It sounds to me like you just don't know. You don't have any kind of explanation, do you?"

Sai stopped walking abruptly and turned me around to face him, obviously not caring about causing further wounds. He was frowning and his eyes seemed even darker than before, and I thought that he was going to explode and attack me again, but he didn't. He set me down on the ground quickly and ordered me to keep walking.

"You can suck it up now rather than later, then. Don't complain. It was your choice," he said, and then waited impatiently for me to start moving.

I took a few steps and realized that I couldn't quite walk straight. I wondered how Sai ended up by me and still didn't know how to get to the two closest cities. I wondered if I was even taking Sai down the right path toward New Bark Town, because if I wasn't... He got angry fast. Real fast. And I didn't want that.

"So what starter pokémon are you thinking of choosing when we get there, anyway?" I asked, trying to distract myself from that thought.

"I don't know. Does it matter?" he asked curiously.

"Well, yeah. They're different types, all with different strengths and weaknesses. Some specialize in attack while others specialize is defense. There's a lot of things to consider."

Sai didn't say anything for the longest time, and I shrugged it off, thinking that he was just daydreaming about what he'd get. I didn't know then that he had no idea what starter pokémon were even available. I never thought that his lack of knowledge could go this far.

"And you're going to help me, right?" he finally said, throwing me off guard when I was already dizzy to begin with. I almost toppled over, but regained my balance and absorbed his words.

"Help you do... what?" I asked, thinking about the last time we talked about helping each other through lack of communication. The conversation didn't look too hopeful.

"You'll tell me about each of them. The pokémon. And then I'm going to watch them and I'll decide from there. The one with the most potential will join us."

"The most potential for what? Actually, nevermind that! You can't just... watch them!" I cried, stopping and nearly falling over again. He stopped, too, and once I knew I was holding his attention, I continued, "Most trainers just walk in, knowing who they want, and they take that pokémon along with any other items the person gives them, and that's that. They're so excited about it and they blabber on about it for hours when they pass this forest. It seems like it's all a part of the journey. Why are you making this so complicated? Why are you the only one who doesn't know what to do?"

Sai paused. "As long as I get the pokémon, it shouldn't matter, right?" he said slowly. "It's still starting out the correct way."

"I suppose that's true," I said quietly, reluctantly, unsure of whose rules he was so determined to follow until the end.

"And you're going to help me, right?" he repeated with that same hollow and childish voice. Like he was embarrassed to ask for my help but he needed it more than anything else in the world so he gave in and asked anyway. And I didn't know why he needed this help. I wouldn't know why for a very long time. Once, I thought that I accepted once more because of my penchant for taking care of others. I thought that it was because he both wanted and needed me, unlike my clan. Or it was because I was afraid of what he'd do to me if I didn't. It would take time until I realized how wrong that I was.

"Don't worry. I'm going to take care of you," I said.

And it was so, so cold.


	2. suppression

chapter 2 ; [KUIORA]

suppression

Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl—and then the girl left him and the boy did not love her anymore.

She did not want to leave, but she felt that it was her duty to do so. The two of them had been together for many years, and the girl loved the boy more and more every day. The girl was eternally grateful to have him in her life, and often wondered what she had done to deserve him. He deserved more than her. He deserved more than life. But he chose to stay where he was, and the idea of what could have been haunted her. She dwelled on these thoughts, but could not find a way to ease the chaos in her mind.

One day, she stumbled upon someone who told her about the three legendary pokémon that represent emotions, the will to live, and knowledge. They had all been born from the same egg, created by the god of the pokémon universe. They reside deep in the caves of Sinnoh, safe from harm and disturbance.

She felt that it was her duty to see these pokémon, and she told her husband this.

"We have them to thank for everything," she said. "Every tree, every mountain, every sea, they have all conspired for millions and millions of years to get us both here. And I don't know why they conspired so much, but I want to see them and thank them for not making their efforts in vain. I need to."

But the husband did not want to go. He wanted to leave them be, wanted to accept things as they were and not try to interfere with things that cannot be changed.

"You are the most important part of my life. These creatures have given me the ability to love, the desire to live in this terrible world, and the knowledge to know how to survive long enough to make you happy somehow. Do you not think of this? Will you not go with me?" she asked, but still, he would not go.

He tried to convince her to stay, but could not. She left, explaining where she was going and saying that she would be back as soon as possible. She took a ferry to Sinnoh, and several people asked her what was wrong, why did she look so sad, but even she did not know, though she carried with her the comfort of finally finding the answers that she had been looking for.

She visited Uxie at Lake Verity, and thanked the legendary pokémon for its service and effort. The Uxie did not lash out or respond negatively, and so she felt that her emotions were true. She loved her husband, and he loved her, and that was how it was meant to be. When she visited Mesprit at Lake Acuity, it was the same, and she now felt reassured about knowing how to make her husband happy and how to live a fulfilled life.

When she reached Lake Valor to visit Azelf, the pokémon was not there. The cave was empty, and nothing could be found in the lake itself. She decided to stay in the nearest town and try again soon, but she heard rumors of a man who had disturbed Azelf's resting place and was now being punished for it. Upon hearing more information, she came to realize that the man from the rumors was her husband.

She visited him in the hospital, where he was alive, but still gone. She screamed. She screamed so loud, and he did not—could not—hold her. The doctors could not explain much of anything. She knew more than them, yet knew nothing at all. He had come to see the legendary pokémon after all, but why? And what had the legendary pokémon done to him to make him like this, and again, why? She would never know.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved a boy—and when he died by her hands, she could not stop loving him.

This was the last story that Professor Elm told me before I left the lab. He said that it seemed a little too heartbreaking and dark for a young totodile like me, but I had insisted that I could take it, and so he did not hold anything back. The story was sad, yes, but it made me want to travel the world so I could see what else was hiding from me, and so I could see the good parts of life that the professor was much more eager to tell me about. They seemed so common and pure to the point where I couldn't stand being here.

I didn't usually value self-induced vulnerability or a lack of strictness, but I believed that I was somewhat lucky to have been raised by Professor Elm. It was destiny, of course, but I still felt lucky. He was timid and quiet and patient, and most importantly, very flexible. I couldn't imagine another professor giving up a potentially perfect starter pokémon just to keep me satisfied with life, but that's what he did. While he emphasized training for all of the other starter pokémon, while he taught them to listen to trainers and practice controlling their beginning moves, he told me stories of legendaries and myths about lands that he promised I would see someday. Of course, I took part in the training and had learned that obedience is necessary, especially under certain circumstances—I wouldn't have wanted to meet a legendary pokémon someday and be completely weak and clueless and disrespectful, after all—but I was not avoiding sleep or practicing outside of normal training times with the others who seemed to exhaust themselves more than needed. It was all about balance and routine. Every day, I woke up, ate, trained, listened to Professor's Elm stories (or reflected on previous stories if he happened to be too busy), ate some more, and slept. And that was enough for me.

It wasn't enough on the day that the trainer came for me.

"We'll be starting the training for today, all right? I hope you're all refreshed from sleep and ready to go," Professor Elm said. As usual, I got up from my normal resting spot. The back of the professor's lab was surrounded by split-rail fences that were designed so that we could look outside of the fence if we wanted to, but without the space to escape. I could understand the precautions, though Professor Elm seemed to trust us so much that I wondered why it was needed. Even I would not have escaped given the opportunity. I was to wait for whatever the legendaries had in store for me, whether it was being stuck here forever or for a special, designated trainer to come and choose me. Still, I adored sitting near the fence, right where the sun shone the brightest, where I could see the entire backyard and everyone in it. This was also where the professor would read me stories; he would never ask me to move, even if the sun was in his eyes and it was difficult for him to concentrate. I only left when told to, and so I left when he announced that it was time to train.

All of the totodile, chikorita, and cyndaquil gathered in the middle of the backyard. I sat on the grass while the others remained standing, already preparing their known attacks. They were having trouble standing with the wind blowing against us, though I did not feel it, as the professor standing in front of me and blocking it. Aside from excited squeals from the pokémon, all was quiet, as if nothing and no one else existed.

As usual, the professor started by talking about us being starter pokémon.

"What can you, as a beginning trainer's pokémon, do to help the trainer grow and learn? You yourself are not necessarily weak, but are just beginning as well… I cannot teach you much, because it is not up to me," the professor said, a hint of sadness in his voice. Had he wanted to be a trainer once so he could travel the world, too? "But I can make it easier for them. You will all have to battle, as you know. We'll warm up by starting out with tackle and scratch attacks, which you'll often use in battle to start out with."

There were three large trees in the backyard, all of which looked beaten up and as if they would tumble at any given moment. They had taken much abuse over the years, and we were about to add more to it. We were instructed to go to a different tree based on what type of pokémon we were. At first, we were just told to tackle the tree with however much strength we wanted to, though we would have to increase the strength every turn, so I started out slowly, lightly. With every tackle, I let myself get stronger, allowing my head to adjust to the collision and rough texture of the bark on the tree more and more every time. I didn't practice my scratch attack, since I had a tendency to scratch at things when I was nervous, so I felt that I had enough practice with it, and that it would just remind me of things that I didn't want to think about.

"I really like training," one of the other totodile stated after a while, "but tackling just makes my head hurt all the time!"

"Same here… and I'm not even hitting the tree that hard since I'm so tired!" another totodile said, and for the next few turns, they kept missing the tree entirely and had to be told to stop by the professor before they got hurt more or crashed into something else. The totodile pouted and watched in dismay as the rest of us continued practicing.

I wanted to say that starting out too roughly without any real experience would, of course, cause a headache, as can a lack of sleep and not allowing the body to rest after training for hours on end… but I said nothing and just kept setting a quiet example. I was verbal once, but got nowhere; they weren't willing to listen and adapt. They didn't seem capable of watching and adapting that way, either, but at least that didn't seem like a failure on my part.

Eventually, we moved on to our specialized elemental attacks.

"Of course, all of you have special attacks that only certain pokémon can learn," the professor said. "Each one of them will be helpful to your trainer in a different way. A cyndaquil's fire can keep things warm, especially in the winter. They can also help cook food when traveling. Chikorita can carry things with their vines, and, when they evolve, can provide health for all. Totodile can provide water, and, since they generally look tough, can scare away unwanted predators. All of you should be willing to do these things for your future trainer and teammates, just as you are willing to do them for me. Understood?"

We all nodded in agreement and got to work. The chikorita tried carrying anything in sight, whether it was a rock, a plant, or another pokémon. Cyndaquil were practicing on each other, since fire didn't hurt their bodies, but instead provided more heat to help them feel more powerful and energized. That, and because if they tried to fire at the grass or the plants, the professor would be panicking over the results; it had happened before. And finally, all of the totodile were aiming and shooting water at anything possible, with each of our targets varying in distance and size. Most of the totodile considered the exercise a success based on how soaked the target was, though I didn't think that helped much since more than one totodile was aiming at the same thing, so my success based on how long I could keep the attack going without having to stop to take a breath.

Just when I thought that I had started improving, the professor forced us to stop due to the cyndaquil starting to miss and setting things on fire again. The totodile were asked to put the fires out, but dead grass still proved that the incident occurred and would likely happen again, so we didn't bother asking to continue.

The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries. We all spread apart once we got what we wanted, with me going back to my normal spot near the fence, and with the others going back to preparing for training with attacks that wouldn't destroy the lab completely.

I sat in peace and ate the berries, waiting for Professor Elm to show up and talk to me as he always did around this time of day. The sun shone overhead, rays of light pouring onto my body and the entire backyard, keeping everything warm and safe. I shielded my eyes but didn't mind doing so. I found it fascinating and strange how the legendary pokémon had made the sun necessary for everyone to live, yet it never had any reaction toward what happened on the land it provided so much for. We could all be gone tomorrow, and would it even notice? Probably not. It would still rise and fall. It did not care about anything or anyone. It did not care about me. Someday, I vowed, I would make it care.

While getting lost in thought, Professor Elm had come over to me and sat down next to me, his back resting against the fence comfortably, and he was smiling. This was unusual to me, since he tended to look rather uncomfortable at other times. He would lean forward and put his face in his hands to try to avoid the sun. If he was annoyed, he never let it show, but I always assumed that he was.

"You look awfully happy today," I pointed out. As soon as I said it, I hoped that I didn't sound too rude. My tendency to talk without thinking had caused more problems and fights than I had wanted, and I had been trying to improve and keep my thoughts to myself.

"Yes," Professor Elm replied. "Someone's here for you."

My head snapped in his direction immediately, and I just started at him. "Who would be here for me?"

"A trainer, of course." He would not stop smiling.

"A trainer… How do you know they're here for me?" I asked. I didn't normally ask so many questions, but this seemed too good to be true. And too specific. There were many totodile here. If he would just say that the trainer was here for a totodile, any one of us…

"He said that he saw us training through the fence when passing by," the professor explained. "He was impressed with what he saw from you."

I _was _special, then. The things I had done better than everyone else had finally paid off. I vaguely wished that I had known the trainer was there, so I could have tried even harder and made him think that his decision was undoubtedly the best one that he could possibly make.

"I'm leaving today, then? Now?" I asked stupidly. I felt as if I had not spoken in weeks. I wondered if I really hadn't.

"If you're ready. If you want to. I can say no and explain that I feel that you are not ready to be handled, though I'm not a fan of lying…" the professor said, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"I want to go. It just seems odd, of course..."

"You're different from the rest, you know. So you'll be fine. You've always wanted something more than just training and the basic necessities of life, unlike the rest of the pokémon. I've tried to provide that as best as I could for you, since it's my job. And I think you'll get even more of what you want if you leave."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go," I said, trying not to sound too excited. It reminded me too much of the others.

"You don't want to say good-bye to any of the others?" the professor asked, though it sounded more like a statement to me.

I hesitated before saying, "No. They won't care."

"They're young. They just haven't reached the level of maturity that you have yet. Don't be too hard on them," he said, as if he was reading my mind.

"I know." But it didn't change my mind. Being stuck in one place had not gotten me far at all, and I seemed to be the only one who noticed how all that the lab's land was good for was holding the world together. Did the others even know what a world was?

I had never been inside the front of Professor Elm's lab before. There was a space behind this part of the lab for pokémon when it rained or stormed, so I had been inside a building before, but it made me kind of angry to know that I could have had access to this part of the world this entire time, and yet I had never actually taken advantage of it. There were tall shelves filled with the books that the professor would read to me from, and there were several machines with other people attending to them, looking serious and concentrated on whatever it was that the machines were doing for them. The walls were filled with pictures of what I assumed were other types of pokémon, and with places that I did not recognize. The ground beneath me was soft like the grass, but did not tickle my feet as expected. My attention was immediately drawn to the boy, however, when I first laid eyes on him.

The trainer had asked specifically for me, yet he did not seem pleased to see me. He looked as if he had just woken up, and his arms were covered in cuts and bruises. His hair looked wild. I supposed that I could take it as a sign that he had already traveled to get here, and I was suddenly very interested. Already here was an example of what my future would be…

"This is Sai," Professor Elm said, motioning to the boy.

"Sai," I said. I kept repeating the name over and over in my head. Since all of us were called by our species name and had to rely on the differences in voice and body sizes, I had assumed that humans were similar. I had imagined that perhaps they were all named Elm and that they all had to identify each other by individual, unique characteristics. But it looked as if they all had different names! I was learning a lot already.

I was barely paying attention to their conversation, but I heard the parts where Professor Elm explained that I was the totodile that Sai had seen through the fence. I heard bits and pieces about things like the attacks I knew, precautions to take when starting out as a beginning trainer, and then—

"Do you have a trainer's card?"

"…No, I do not."

"You do know that you need a trainer's card if you want to go around traveling with pokémon, right?"

"I… wasn't expecting to see the totodile. I just happened to be passing by," Sai replied slowly, carefully. For whatever reason, his words made me grin.

"Where are you from?"

"Ah… Vermilion City," Sai said, rubbing his arm.

"That's a bit far, huh? I can't think of why you're here, then…" Professor Elm said, more to himself than anyone else, I guessed, since he was starting to pace back and forth, and he wasn't making eye contact with anyone in the room.

"I happened to be passing by," Sai repeated, more confidently this time.

The professor ignored him. Eventually, he stopped pacing and looked at me. He looked sort of sad. His eyes told me that he shouldn't be giving me to a trainer who now looks extremely suspicious by showing up to a random town without any sort of identification. But I wanted to go. I didn't care who this trainer was. If he was a bad trainer, then the legendary pokémon would punish him accordingly, and my fate would be decided by them. He had to let me go. I briefly wondered what this meant for his job should anyone discover that he gave me away like this, but I found that it didn't matter to me. I had to leave.

"I assumed that you would have had a trainer's card already since most people come to this town to get their first pokémon. I will give you a trainer's card so that you may travel the region of Johto with pokémon. If you want to travel in Kanto, however, you will have to get a new trainer's card, even though that's where your hometown is. Understand?" Professor Elm said, looking directly at Sai. The boy nodded, and followed the professor to the back of the room. I was told to wait where I was, and so I did.

It was the first instruction given to me as a pokémon who was owned by a trainer.

When they returned, Sai was holding a small item that I assumed was his new trainer's card. In his other hand was what I recognized as my pokéball. We were not put in our pokéballs very often, but the experience of being in one was unique, and so I had never forgotten it.

When it was time to leave, the professor walked in front of me, and knelt down so that we could see each other face-to-face. He was smiling again, yet looked sad at the same time. I wondered why this was, since it seemed to be part of his job to say good-bye to all of the pokémon he raised. Shouldn't he have been used to it by now? Maybe you never got over some things. As I thought of the other pokémon that were still in the backyard and myself, I hoped that that wasn't true.

"Well, this is what you've been waiting for, so I hope it goes well for you, of course..." He sounded wary, and I knew that it was because of the trainer. He didn't sound as nervous as before, though, so hopefully he had come to trust the trainer more after being together in the back of the room. "Don't forget anything you've learned here, okay? You're a good pokémon, and I'll miss you," Professor Elm said quietly, petting me on the head. I winced, not knowing what to say. I almost felt guilty and believed that I should stay, but it was too late now. And I didn't truly want to stay. There was nothing to stay for. The professor would have to go on without me.

After what seemed like forever, the professor stood up and shook Sai's hand, wishing the two of us the best of luck. Sai merely nodded and started walking to the door. I started to follow him. It felt right and odd at the same time. When Sai reached the door, he stepped out into the sunlight, holding the door open for me to walk out, too. Before I did, I looked back at Professor Elm one last time, seeing him wave with one arm, with the other arm tucked behind his back. I waved back for a brief moment, turned, and left. I wondered if I would miss the professor, whatever that meant.

When I stepped outside, I realized that I also had never been in any other part of the town. Flowers were blooming everywhere. There had once been flowers in the backyard of Professor Elm's lab, but they were quickly burned by the cyndaquil, so he stopped trying to plant them and take care of them. He had enough to take care of, anyway.

I could also see a ton of water to the right. It seemed endless, and I wondered where it led to. Instinctively, I started walking in that direction. As I did, I continued looking around. There were several more buildings, and inside I knew that there was more to see—it was just being hidden from me. Only the determined and curious could be able to see what was inside.

I kept stepping forward toward the water, the only familiar things being the sun, the sky, the grass… They were important, of course, because the legendaries created them, but the rest of the town was _why_ the legendaries had put so much effort into creating such sustainers of life.

I was stopped dead in my tracks, however, when I bumped into something in front of me. I fell backward and looked up. I saw a creature that was standing on its tail, making it taller than me. Its brown fur had felt soft, so I wasn't hurt too much. I recognized the creature as a sentret, since a few of them had snuck into the professor's backyard to play around.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, getting back to my feet.

"That's a good way to meet each other, I guess," Sai said, walking up from behind me.

I looked back and forth between the two of them, wondering how they knew each other. Surely, it couldn't be Sai's pokémon… I was a pokémon for beginners, after all, and the boy just got his trainer's card…

"I guess so! We've spent a while trying to get you, and now you're here. That's all that really matters," the sentret said happily.

I blinked. "This is your trainer?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"He's yours, too."

"But—"

"I was his… first pokémon…" the sentret said slowly, "but he insisted on getting a true starter pokémon. He wanted the strongest out of what he could get. He's been watching you for a while… and he finally said that you were the right one. He got what he wanted, so we can finally get out of here and—"

"Why would he need me if he already had a pokémon?" I asked, slightly upset. It seemed silly to want to be the trainer's first pokémon when I really just wanted to travel and see the world, but I had put in all of that work only to be second best. I still felt glad, though, that I was chosen at all. I deserved it, after all, and I had wanted this for a long time.

"I wish I knew. Ask him," the sentret said. But Sai didn't answer, though he seemed to be paying attention.

"We can leave in a moment," he simply said after a few moments. Instead of walking like I expected him too, however, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out another object that I had not seen before. He knelt down to see me, just as Professor Elm had done, and handed it to me.

"Did you get this from the professor?" I asked, taking it in my hands. It was warm, but it didn't look like anything a pokémon could use. "Is it mine?"

"Nope. I got it a long time ago," Sai explained. "I want you to roll it…"—he glanced at the sentret before looking back at me—"or throw it… or whatever. Please."

I immediately did as I was told. I threw it on the ground, even though I wasn't sure why I was doing it. The small, white object revealed two small, black dots when it was done rolling on the ground.

"Your name is Kuiora," Sai stated after staring at the item for a moment.

"My name?" I didn't see the correlation.

"Your name is Kuiora, yes."

So pokémon even got their own names from their trainers. The sentret must have a name, too, then. I would have to see if it was the same as mine or different.

"Kuiora. My second pokémon," Sai stated. "As I expected."

"Yeah… I thought we had that established already," I said, distracted from the name thoughts already.

"I wanted you to know," he replied quickly, picking up the item and putting it back in his pocket. "I wanted to make it official for you. I made the right choice. And now we can leave." He stood up, and turned toward the direction I supposed we would be heading in.

I still didn't fully understand, but at least he hadn't said I was second best. I had no idea how tough the sentret was, but I was obviously still special to this boy for some reason. And that was fine. Though I was impatient, I knew that I would have to wait to learn more as time would go on.

"Let's go," Sai said. He started going in the opposite direction of the town, and I followed. I wondered why we didn't explore the rest of the buildings, but I had to obey. It was what I was born to do. The legendaries put me with Professor Elm to learn this, and so I could reflect on myself, what I needed, what my destiny was. I was destined to travel, to become stronger, to become special to the legendary pokémon somehow, someway… I would have to find a way to make the best of this all on my own. I was nothing if not the sum of the parts that I had made for myself and for the legendary pokémon, after all.

I thought one last time about the pokémon still in the backyard before leaving the town. They were completely oblivious, and had no idea what they were missing. I hoped that they would know someday. Until then, I would fear well for them. I would fear well for my one and only home.


	3. anxiolytic

chapter 3 ; [SENORI]

anxiolytic

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't grateful to have Sai take me away from my home for a while. I led him to New Bark Town in silence as quickly as I could, not only to keep him from getting angry and attacking me again, but to escape from some of the guilt and the obsessive thoughts that had been haunting me for a long time. He followed behind me, his expression blank and his arms loosely dangling back and forth at his sides, but with his eyes never leaving me. I kept looking behind me to make sure that I was safe and that he was still there, but my paranoia was pointless, as he never made a sign that made me think he was a threat.

We reached the town at nightfall. We didn't see any other humans or pokémon, which I was kind of disappointed in. I had wanted to see how someone else reacted to Sai, but I supposed that I would have to wait. This also meant that Sai would have to wait to get what he wanted.

"Everyone's sleeping, I guess," I said softly after a few moments of silence.

"Where are the pokémon?" the boy asked simply. His blue eyes looked darker with the night, but maybe I was imagining things.

"They're with a human who raises the pokémon to give to new trainers." I pointed my paw to a nearby building with the back enclosed by a fence. Beyond the fence was simply grass with a few charred areas here and there, and some large trees that appeared a bit old. "He trains the pokémon there so they don't run off into the forest. I've see them sometimes when I've come close to the town, but that's always been during daytime. We'll have to wait."

Sai stared at me, and I wondered if he was angry for me pointing out the obvious. There seemed to be an invisible, fine line between treating him as if he were stupid and trying to help him with things that he was somehow completely unaware of.

But all he said was, "Time to sleep, then. You can help me with the rest tomorrow, right?"

"…Yeah," I replied. No threat. It was all I could think about. Did I want him to punish me? I deserved it, after all. The fact that I was being given a chance at redemption seemed lost and non-existent.

Sai turned around and went to sit by a large tree near the entrance to the town. He put his hands behind his head and then rested the top part of his body against the tree. He closed his eyes shortly after, and he seemed so peaceful and relaxed that I thought he had fallen asleep already. I also went to where he was, though I kept a bit of distance between us.

I jumped a bit when he started talking again. "You'll help me tomorrow, and then we'll go through the forest again, and we'll keep going from there," he said.

"That seems to be the simplified version of things, yes," I said under my breath. I didn't think he would be able to hear me.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Picking out your first pokémon seems to be a big deal. When you say we'll keep going from there, there's a lot of places to explore, I'm sure. And when we pass through the forest, I guess I'd like to say good-bye to some people, if possible…" My voice trailed off from there. I curled up on the grass, wrapping my tail around my body for warmth. I had forgotten what it felt like to be in this position, and what sleep near someone else felt like. With my eyes still open, I saw Sai snap his open, and look at me curiously.

"Who do you have to say good-bye to?"

"My clan. Or just someone in my clan. I just think that they should know I'm gone, since you're insistent on taking me on this journey of yours," I explained. I felt slightly bitter that he was permanently taking me away from my home, but I would find a way around that tomorrow to avoid feeling this way forever.

"You don't seem too happy about it," Sai observed.

"They don't like me anymore, so I'm not really happy, no."

"Then it should be easier to say good-bye."

"Yes and no. I'd rather have no one to say good-bye to. It'd be so much easier."

Sai didn't answer for a long time after that. Again, I thought that he had fallen asleep. But then he started stirring, trying various positions to get comfortable, and nothing seemed to work. He groaned and complained until he finally went back to his original position. And finally, he said, "I always thought that it'd be better to have someone to say good-bye to. Maybe I was wrong."

"And why do you say that?" I asked after a few moments.

"It means that, at some point, you had someone, and you cared about them," he said.

"And you didn't have anyone to say good-bye to?"

"I could have… but they were hardly worth saying good-bye to."

I didn't answer him, and he didn't say anything after that. He stayed silent for good this time. I didn't want to press him for further information when he clearly wasn't comfortable with it and was avoiding specific details. And I didn't want to try to become closer to him when I still felt connected from my clan. Tomorrow, I would get permission to leave. Tomorrow, I would know that they had officially let me go. Tomorrow, maybe Sai would think that he'd someday have someone to say good-bye to.

As it turned out, we didn't spend just one day in New Bark Town. Sai just couldn't decide in a few hours what pokémon he wanted. I told him that there was a grass-type, a fire-type, and a water-type starter that he could choose from. I had to admit that I didn't know what each species specialized in, but Sai seemed to brighten up again when I pointed out that there was a whole batch of each type that he could look at. I also explained that since each pokémon had weaknesses and strengths, and since he had no other pokémon to try to figure out what weaknesses and strengths he needed, his choices weren't limited. He said that, in that case, he just wanted the strongest pokémon, and I thought that it would be a simple enough choice from there. But somehow, it wasn't.

"There's so many of them," he said, a hint of excitement in his voice. "I only got a close look at two of them. We'll have to come back tomorrow."

This was his excuse every day from then on. We slept in the same area every night, and we stood at a distance from the fence every day to watch the pokémon. Sai tried to walk right up to the fence and climb over a few times, but I had to yell at him to not do that, since the fence was there to keep others out for a reason. He also tried to sit right by a part of the fence to look inside the backyard through the rails, which also seemed odd, so I kept telling him to stop looking creepy and to get away from the fence entirely.

Sai refused to go anywhere else that would make him miss seeing the pokémon during the hours of daylight they were outside. A few times a day, I briefly left to go get some berries from the forest to eat. Seeing that Sai didn't seem to have anything to eat, I brought him some, too, which he ate quickly and hungrily, though he never asked for more when he looked sadly at his empty hands after eating.

I didn't really question him, and thought vaguely about going to the forest to say good-bye a few times in order to save time, but then I knew that I'd get the urge to do it all over again when we finally left for good. So I kept quiet and tried to be patient, but it was hard when I wanted to move on. Still, it was better than staying in the forest by myself while torturing my mind with memories.

"Have you picked out a pokémon yet?" I asked after a few days of this.

"No. None of them has stood out so far," Sai said. "Most of the fire ones keep burning the grass… and each other. I don't need more chaos. The green pokémon don't seem much like fighters. I've almost gotten through watching all the water-types."

"Okay," I said. "Well, I'm going to get more food, then."

When I came back, Sai was gone. I had come back just in time to see a familiar human walk back into the building with a pokémon following behind him, and I assumed that Sai had finally made his choice. I simply paced back and forth in front of the building that I had first taken him to days ago. It seemed like we had been here forever and done everything that needed to be done, yet in reality, we had accomplished next to nothing. It was all just wishful thinking on my part. The boy had needed a ton of time here for some reason, and I hoped that his decision was worth it. I believed that whatever pokémon he chose would be the correct one to help complete his journey, to make sure that he "listened" properly, as he had put it before. I still didn't know who he was listening to, but he seemed content when following the instructions given to him, and that was enough.

Soon, I heard the building's door creak open and saw Sai standing outside, holding the door open for someone. A small, aqua colored creature with red spikes protruding from its back and tail stepped out of the building, and Sai closed the door. So he had chosen the water-type pokémon. No wonder it had taken him so long to choose. The water-types were the last he had looked at.

The totodile walked around aimlessly, seemingly entranced by the surrounding area. Eventually, the totodile's snout bumped into me, and I bumped into the awkward situation of explaining that I was really Sai's first pokémon, but admittedly, I had no idea why, nor did I have any idea why the creature in front of me had become a necessary part of our team and journey. I watched as Sai had the totodile roll the dice, just as he had made me do. I wondered if Kuiora—as Sai had named her on the spot—understood him any better than I did at the moment. Probably not. She didn't look confused, but instead seemed fascinated and relieved.

It was time to go after that. I hoped that I would be fascinated and relieved soon, too, as we moved on toward the forest for what I believed would be the last time.

x

They later reminded me of Sai.

They had blended in with the night, and they were fast.

They were not from around this area, but they were here nonetheless. And they intended to make the best of their trip at my home. Their trip with my clan.

I'm sure, in their minds, they screamed success.

I was watching out for danger when one of them had come up to me. It was crawling, and moving so slowly. I immediately let my guard down as I sympathetically realized it must be injured. It was too dark to see any blood, but I couldn't think of any other reason why it was crawling pathetically on the forest floor when I could see that it had feet to use instead. I was using my tail to see as high up and as far as possible, but now I was on my own feet, scrambling over to the seemingly damaged pokémon. As I got closer, I could see that its skin matched the color of the dark sky, with red feathers jutting out of its back and one of its ears. Its eyes looked weak and tired and the creature had dulled yellow jewels on its forehead and chest to match. Its white claws were sharp, and the pokémon had been using them to dig into the ground and propel itself forward. I had never seen this type of pokémon before.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "What happened?"

The pokémon stopped crawling and looked up at me. "I was in a battle and got separated from my trainer," it explained, stopping to take a breath every few words. "Please help me find him. He couldn't have gone far… He must be looking for me, but I'm hurt…"

I wished that it was daytime, that I could see its wounds, and get it the proper berries to help heal him. But I didn't know what was wrong with him, or what kind of pokémon it was and what kind of food it ate anyway. But I also couldn't just leave my post when I was supposed to be looking out for danger. I had never left my post before.

"Why don't you just stay with me? I'll keep you safe, and if your trainer comes through here, I'll make sure you get back to him. It's not safe to travel through the night like this."

"My trainer likes to travel through the night, though. He could be out of the forest by sunrise. He could leave me here," the pokémon said pathetically.

I found it odd that a trainer would leave his pokémon here, but I had no reason not to believe him. I tried to consider my options. I could stay with the pokémon here, putting it at risk for losing its trainer and getting hurt even further due to lack of proper care. I could go with it and keep watching for danger as we moved along, and then we would have a better chance at finding the trainer. I chose the latter. I figured it was rude to wake someone else up just to take over for me, so I would just do two jobs at once. It would just be a bit different compared to other nights. I would have felt terrible just leaving it where it was and risking its life. It had obviously found me for a reason, after all, and I had to do something about it.

I simply nodded and helped pick up the creature so that it could walk while using me as a crutch. I didn't care so much about blood, if there was any, as I figured that I could just wash it off later and explain to my clan that I helped a pokémon rather than just idly standing in one spot as usual.

The pokémon explained that the battle had taken place near the edge of the forest, so I led it there. We traveled in silence, and by the time we got there, it was almost sunrise.

I stopped moving with the pokémon. "This is the edge of the forest. It's close to New Bark Town. Could your trainer be here?" I asked.

"Maybe…" it said softly.

I set the pokémon down so that it could rest on the floor rather than use extra energy trying to stand up. I turned and looked around everywhere, but I saw no one but the damaged creature. I started to say that we could look again when the sun rose completely, since we'd have better luck then. But no one answered me. I turned and looked around everywhere once again, but this time, the pokémon was missing.

The first hint of daylight was showing through the tree canopies. I looked at my body, my paws, the grass.

There was no blood. There was no other pokémon with me.

x

I thought that I might have learned that helping people and pokémon from then on would have been a terrible idea. But I could not give up my penchant for taking care of people. Not everyone was fake. Not everyone was out to hurt others. I had to believe that there were others that truly needed help. There was no way that Sai could feign such naivety, and there was no way that Kuiora could consume the outside world with a human boy who was just as clueless as she was. Was there a way? I couldn't believe it. This was my second chance. I had to keep reminding myself of this fact as we traveled through the forest once more. I had been here all my life, but it was time to leave.

I was too preoccupied by my thoughts to pay much attention while Kuiora mumbled on about how pretty and vast the forest was, with Sai agreeing wholeheartedly. She also mentioned how lucky that all of the pokémon here were so friendly so that no one had to battle and exert themselves too harshly, and Sai made some comment about how he didn't know pokémon could be this calm and quiet. I could see from their point of view to a certain extent. The pokémon here usually left trainers alone unless provoked, but I also thought about the pokémon that had tricked me while she rambled on. But I completely came back to reality when we came across the river that was so close to my home. I stopped moving and asked them to stop for me, too, though my voice cracked when I did so.

"What's wrong?" they asked in unison.

"My… My clan is near here. I told you I wanted to say good-bye. Do you remember, Sai?" I asked, looking up at the boy. He said nothing, but I could tell by the way he was averting eye contact that he definitely remembered our conversation. "So I'll be right back. I'll bring you guys some berries so that you can eat while I'm gone."

They both nodded, but I wondered if they both understood. Sai didn't have anyone to say good-bye to, and what about Kuiora? I knew next to nothing about her, except that she didn't seem to find Sai odd. Instead, everything was new and fascinating to her childish mind. I told myself that I'd have to change that as soon as my head was cleared of this lovely yet degrading place.

I did as I said I would. I brought them various kinds of berries from the nearby trees and bushes, hoping that they could find at least one kind that they liked. I couldn't recall what kind of berries I had brought Sai before, but I could pay attention soon and fix this, too.

I turned and made my way toward the river without saying a word, unsure of what I would say to them, anyway. I certainly didn't want to reveal too much about what I was doing and why I had to do it at all.

I found the trees whose branches extended all the way across the river. To get to the other side, I simply climbed up the tree, and ran across the branch only to jump to the ground when I reached the end of the path. It had been a long time since I climbed that tree, and it didn't feel as natural as usual. I took that as a good sign and was able to smile a little.

I made my way past the clearing on the other side of the river only to find another clearing. While the other clearing was empty, this one was filled with other sentret. Some of them were playing, some were training, some were eating, and some were resting. All of them were unmistakably from my clan, and all of them unmistakably recognized me as an outsider and froze when they realized I was here. Some stared, some ran, and some of them scowled at me. I tried not to look down at the ground in shame, but it was hard. I simply asked to see Ari in the most confident voice that I could manage.

No one moved or acknowledged my request. Some of the smaller sentret asked why I wasn't able to play with everyone else. Their innocence and lack of awareness at least let me know that at least someone in the clan didn't know what I had done.

One of the sentret who had previously run away must have gotten Ari for me, even though they didn't hear my request. Upon seeing Ari, I turned and went back to the first clearing I had been in. The river was loud, but Ari's footsteps rang louder in my ears. I turned to face him when they became too loud for me to feel comfortable.

"Why are you here?" Ari asked simply. He seemed void of emotions entirely, though I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking of how worthless I was. He was thinking that this was a waste of time, and he was hoping that I would regret showing my face again.

"I'm leaving," I stated simply. Ari's expression remained the same; there was no hint of happiness in response to my words. "It was my fault. I know. I'm sorry. I would take it back if I could."

"Words don't change anything," Ari said sharply.

"Words are all I have when my actions aren't acknowledged anymore."

"Then you have nothing."

"…It was my fault."

x

There was no injured pokémon. There was a liar and a sentret who was foolish enough to trust the liar.

The pokémon, whatever it was, had lured me away so that its friends and family could invade my home. Simply attacking me at my post may have been loud enough to alert my clan of intruders. It also eliminated the possibility of me shrieking to tell everyone to run, that someone was coming to hurt them. The worst part was that I helped them. I fell into their trap so easily.

When I realized what the pokémon had done, I rushed back to my clan as fast as I could. I nearly fell out of the tree and into the roaring river because I was too focused on trying to get back as quickly as possible. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an odd movement in the river, a mix of red and brown that I hoped was a part of my imagination. I ran and ran and ran. I didn't bother trying to protect myself or watch for danger anymore. The danger was already here. I failed, and I wanted it to come after me instead now.

It didn't. It was already gone.

Before the danger left, it destroyed the clan. Torn parts from sentret and blood were what I had seen in the river. More blood and limbs were splattered through the grass, on the trees, on the leaves. Everywhere. Some sentret bodies were smashed underneath tree branches that had been cut off and left to drop. From the small amount of sentret left, I assumed that some of them had been taken… but I didn't want to think about why. The sentret who were wounded or almost unharmed were squealing and crying over the sight, not daring to move out of intense fear and sorrow. They had been attacked while I was leading the pokémon to the edge of the forest. The pokémon had successfully taken me far away enough to where I couldn't hear the slaughter. There was nothing I could do now.

My heart cried and my stomach lurched. My mind screamed disaster.

My family, things were peaceful just moments ago—

The babies, they were just learning to walk—

I should have heard—

I started mumbling about what happened, as if an explanation could reverse everything. The pokémon seemed genuinely hurt. But it was my fault for not looking for blood carefully enough, or other proof that the pokémon was hurt. Wouldn't we have wanted other pokémon to help us if they could, too? Why hadn't anyone else helped? It wasn't my place to ask, but I was asking anyway. They must have been scared. I would have been scared, too. I'm scared right now. I'm sick right now. I was just trying to do a good thing. It would have been terrible to not help, too—

And in the midst of my thoughts, Ari crashed into me and started pummeling me faster than I could blink. He must have heard me, must have been listening, must have been watching the clan break further.

"Why didn't you _warn _us about this? You could have said something _before you left_ _with the enemy_, at least!"

I didn't fight back, I didn't try to breathe, I didn't dare look him in the eyes.

"They told us that you were on their side. It looks true! Because of you, my wife is hurt, the kids were eaten _right here_—"

I thought that he was going to kill me, but his punches and his cries eventually weakened and quieted. He eventually stopped, and I heard pathetic wails that only reminded me of the baby sentret once more. He left me with some throbbing, aching bones and a body covered in blood. I was sure that most of the blood was not mine.

"Get out of here. Just go, just leave," he snarled.

After torturing myself with one last, long glance at the gory scene, I left, and did not try to come back, though I ached to. I could not sleep, could not eat. I wanted to mourn with the others. I didn't even know everyone who was gone or everyone who had survived. I wanted to mourn, to apologize, to make up for it… but they wouldn't let me. Unfortunately, I was not completely dead. It should have been me. But I was only dead to them, and rightfully so.

And I was so, so very sorry. So, so sorry. So sorry. I could beat many pokémon, many trials that were thrown at me. Over the years, I had learned that I could beat many things, but—

Life was not one of them.

x

"They should have gotten you. You were at fault, and yet you were the only one left unharmed."

"They were trying to avoid commotion from the town as well. If I had heard any of them approaching, you know I would have called out…" I explained, though I knew it was in vain. But I had to try. When Ari would give me permission to leave, he would have all the information to know that he had made the correct choice. His decision would be final and real, done after many weeks of being able to calm down and think rationally.

"Those monsters were not from around here. It shouldn't happen again, not just because of that, but because we will have more reliable people on post next time from now on," Ari said, ignoring me almost completely.

I made one last attempt at helping them and said, "Perhaps you should consider relocating the clan—"

"Don't tell me what I should do! You are not a part of this clan anymore!" Ari cried, rushing after me once more, but stopping halfway through. He didn't want to relive that night again, not even the best part of it, where he got to punish the one who had caused him so much misery.

"…A trainer came by here and attacked me," I said simply, now looking at the ground.

I could feel his glare.

"I know that you think he is a threat," I said quickly. "He is. But he also wants me to be his pokémon. He wants me to… help him." I wondered: how can words feel so wrong but be so true at the same time? "With your permission, I would like to take him away from the forest and be his pokémon so that he is no longer a threat."

"As I said, you are not a part of this clan. You may do what you wish, as long as it doesn't involve us," Ari said. He was looking around now, presumably watching for Sai. I couldn't keep the mysterious pokémon from attacking the clan, but I seemed to have some control over Sai. I could get him out of here. I could. It would be so easy.

"So I can leave," I said.

"Leave."

"…You don't want me."

"We don't want you. Too much damage was done. Take the trainer away from here, and make sure neither of you ever comes back."

That was all I needed. I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. Of course, I still wanted to help the clan. I didn't want to leave. I would do anything to be accepted again and to be expected to protect everyone again. I would do anything to bring the others back. But nothing could fix what had happened, and it was time to move on. I would protect Sai now. I would protect Kuiora, and anyone else who was going to join us. I would believe that I had survived this attack for a reason, and would take my second chance.

I could leave with Sai now. This was all I wanted.

I didn't say anything more. I only made eye contact with Ari for a few more long, agonizing moments, hoping that he could see how sorry I was, how much regret I carried around with me. Ari was the only one who had ever broken my heart by banishing me from the clan, the one thing I had loved at the time. But I also broke his heart, though indirectly; I took his wife away, I took his children. No one is ever safe.

x

When I was walking back to Sai and Kuiora, I still went slowly, taking in the scene one last time. I took in the rough feeling of the bark on the trees as I walked on it. I took in how big and old the tree itself was, and how it took years and years for it to grow this tall and be such an important part of our lives. The river was purely blue, which made me feel a bit better. Everything seemed clean and peaceful. The sun shone down and made me remember what was wonderful about the clan. Seeing the babies learn about the world for the first time. Always discovering new kinds of berries and indulging in the old ones that had treated us so well for so long. Knowing how friendly the other pokémon in the forest seemed to be. Seeing the new trainers with their new pokémon come by with such excitement and joy shining in their eyes.

I would try to remember everything from then on, the good and the bad. I hoped that that was what moving on meant.

When I reached Sai and Kuiora, I simply said that I was ready to go. It seemed easier to speak, as if I wasn't keeping such a careful watch on everything I said anymore. I certainly had to do that with Ari, but not so much with these two. I'd still make sure to be careful, because I didn't want to hurt them.

"Where are we headed next?" Sai asked curiously.

"Well, the next town is Cherrygrove City. I don't really know anything about that place except that new trainers don't ever seem too happy about going there."

"Why not?"

"They always want these badges, and you apparently can't find one in Cherrygrove."

Sai started walking slower and frown a bit. "I'm supposed to get the gym badges. I think that's what you're talking about. Well, I don't want to waste time there, then. Not allowed."

"Badges?" Kuiora asked, coming out of nowhere. She had been so quiet that I had nearly forgotten she was there.

"Yeah… We train, battle, and get badges. That's what I was told to do, so that's what we're going to do," Sai said, smiling again.

"I was training at the lab, so I'm ready for that whenever you are," she said confidently.

"Senori will lead the way," Sai said, looking at me expectedly.

"I've never been anywhere else… but I'm sure we can find the path to whatever place is next," I said, trying to sound confident as well.

"Okay. It's unfortunate, but I knew that you couldn't have already visited everywhere. Thanks, Senori," Sai said.

Sounding more confident already seemed a little easier after that. I started to lead the way again, unsure where I was going, but feeling all right about it.

Like most new trainers, Sai didn't care for Cherrygrove City. But he sure did enjoy Violet City, a place completely new and refreshing for all of us.


	4. frush

chapter 4 ; [ATIS]  
>frush<p>

I saved Mondays and Thursdays for Shannon because she loved the idea of type differences, their weaknesses, their strengths. One day, she said, all of her pokémon would have two types. I saved Tuesdays for Joey. Items fascinated him, man-made or not. Fridays were for Jason, since he got so discouraged when he lost a battle. Every Wednesday varied. Saturdays were for Earl–every other day wore him out. I saved one day of the week for me, and that was just to make sure that I was still alive.

I tried to remain optimistic. As a pokémon who didn't care for pokémon training yet was a classroom pet for a pokémon training school, I didn't need more than one day of the week. There was no need to indulge myself in information that I didn't care for, and I didn't like attention anyway. It was better to focus on someone who wanted to be given attention so that they could learn, someone who enjoyed the subject and would make use of it someday.

It wasn't that I hated pokémon. I hated peoples' love for pokémon. It was consuming and overwhelming and encouraged far too much. It seemed to be the only reason for people to wake up in the morning, the only thing that made life worth living. Everything else was forgotten—reading, writing, school for jobs that made food and buildings, school for jobs that helped the sick... There had to be something else to life that not enough people were seeing.

But there was nothing I could do. The kids couldn't understand me, Earl seemed just as consumed, and I wouldn't have known what to do out in the world if I left—because despite all of the time that I had spent in a school, I had learned next to nothing.

x

"Why don't you teach them something that doesn't have to do specifically with pokémon?" I asked Earl one day. It was a Friday and the kids had just been let out for the day. We were cleaning up and getting ready to go home. I picked up the garbage on the ground while Earl sorted out papers and straightened out the desks that had been moved in result of the children's excitement when they were told that they could battle. The excitement was always present. I thought that they got louder each week, and that they caused more messes every week when they tried to run and pile out the door all at once. Now, it was quiet, and I wanted to take advantage of it.

"What you want me to teach them?" Earl asked, not even bothering to look at me. He twirled over to the side of the room to close the windows, as if no one could hear what I was about to say.

"I don't know…" I faltered, suddenly embarrassed for asking. I didn't particularly like attention, and I had just blatantly asked for it when I could have stayed invisible. During the day, it was impossible, since the children's fascination with pokémon automatically turned into a fascination of _me_, the only pokémon that was allowed out in the classroom. I simply made an effort to say only what needed to be said, and to never leave the corner in front of the classroom unless I really needed to.

"Maybe teach them how to light fires…" I continued, trying to get over my embarrassment. This _did_ need to be said, after all, so I couldn't back down now. I kept hoping that Earl wouldn't look at me, and I too refused to look at him and distracted myself by picking up more lost paper and pencils on the ground, though they were bitter reminders of why I was bringing this topic up in the first place.

"Want to teach is a fire? Teach kids fire-types, yes," Earl replied as he finished closing the windows. I imagined him nodding his head eagerly and intensely. This would have been a good thing if he had understood what I said.

"No… Fires for their journey. To keep warm." Perhaps, I thought, trying something else that couldn't be directly related to pokémon would help. "Teach them how to budget their money. How to choose and save food."

"No, no, no. Kids learn to do that on own time," Earl said earnestly. And that was the end of that.

What could I say to make him understand? He taught the subject of pokémon all day, and he taught it almost every day. It was ingrained in his mind, probably permanently. He had no desire to teach about the dangers of the world or the possibilities of being something greater. He had told me many times while smiling from ear to ear that this had been his dream since he was a boy, and he was so glad to be here…

Doesn't it ever get boring? Don't you ever wonder what holds the world together outside of this school? I wanted to ask, but didn't.

And I was his pokémon. He certainly took care of me. He kept me fed and rested, didn't make me battle often anymore since I didn't like the attention, and he boasted about his oh so special hitmontop every chance he got, even if it was in fragmented English. There was no doubt that I was his, but I just couldn't think the same way.

x

On Monday, things went by as they normally did. Water beats fire, grass beats water, and fire beats grass. Electric beats flying, and flying beats grass. "Beats" would be a term used loosely, as factors such as experience and strategy also had a huge effect on the outcome.

Shannon eventually called me over. As usual, she made some statement that was similar to what was just taught, and I would nod my head or shake my head depending on whether her answer was right or wrong.

"Ghost can beat psychic, right?" she said, fidgeting in her seat restlessly and looking at me expectantly.

I nodded and wondered how many questions she would ask me today.

"And psychic can beat poison."

I nodded at the statement and grinned despite myself.

"Psychic can't do anything to dark-types, though. I always forget..."

Another nod.

"But—_oh_! Fighting-types can beat dark-types! You could beat a dark-type with no problem, right?" I would have nodded, albeit reluctantly, but she didn't give me enough time as she added, "Dark-types seem evil. You could beat all the evil in the world, huh? So cool!"

"I wish," I said quietly, but all she heard—if she heard me at all—was my name.

She decided that she was done after that. She jumped out of her seat and moved on to show off her newfound knowledge to her friends, and I went back into my corner. I was already exhausted from the conversation and was ready for the day to be over.

x

On Tuesday, the class got a new student.

He was obviously a bit older than the rest of the kids, and I wondered why he was here. He probably should have been on his journey for at least a few years already. But Earl welcomed him with open arms.

"This is Sai! Sai is new student," he said after rushing the boy to the front of the classroom. His eyes were closed and he was smiling broadly while the boy only looked to the ground, not bothering to introduce himself. I felt instantly connected to him just for that. My first impression was that he was clearly the outcast and that he didn't like attention, either. "He will learn lots, yes? Yes. Take a seat now, boy." And the boy listened. He took a seat in the back of the room, the only place available.

I didn't think that having Sai here would change anything, but it still felt nice to be a little bit closer to someone. I started to wonder about my first impression, however, when he saw me for the first time. He flinched when he saw me, and I couldn't tell if it was from surprise or from seeing something rather repulsive. But he didn't look away. His expression was blank as he stayed focused on me. He seemed to struggle when trying to pay attention to both Earl's lesson and me, even though I wasn't doing anything but standing in the corner.

I actually tried leaving the corner to walk in between the desks so I could get out of his sight a few times, but his eyes always seemed to follow me. I even stayed with Jason longer than normal, and tried to stay focused on what he was saying and asking. But Sai was always looking, and I knew it. When you don't like attention, you always know when someone is looking at you. Someone is always looking at you, no matter how illogical the idea is. The idea consumes your mind. I was used to this since the other kids often recognized my presence, but the anxiety was never this intense with them. Probably because their attention wasn't constant, and they gave me attention with enthusiasm rather than apathy.

I wished that he would look away. He was here to learn about pokémon, after all, and I was here to pass time until something… anything… happened.

_Look away from me. Look away. If you don't like such attention, why am I getting it? I cannot and do not want to help you. _

_x  
><em>

On Wednesday, I didn't have anyone to focus on in order to distract myself from Sai. No one seemed to need my help, and there was nothing else for me to do until everyone left. I considered simply leaving the school and hoping no one noticed, but the new boy would definitely have noticed. He was still staring at me. And I still didn't know what to do about it.

When all the kids were doing an activity with one partner, Sai didn't have a partner. He hadn't talked to anyone and everyone was set in their ways by choosing the same partner every time. Earl, with all his good intentions, told me to go be Sai's partner. The new student spending time with a pokémon in a pokémon school would be good, after all. I didn't have the energy to protest, and I didn't want to risk causing a scene, so I reluctantly went to the boy. Up close, his blue eyes seemed soft and intense at the same time. Still unnerved and holding on to silence, I tried to smile as best as I could.

Admittedly, I had no idea what the activity was, so I didn't know what to do next. He must have known the assignment, but all he said was, "You made it possible for me to be here, so thanks."

I had no idea what he was talking about. Shifting around uncomfortably, I wanted to say that I just a classroom pet, nothing more. I figured that I should have been grateful he didn't want to talk about just pokémon, but somehow, I wasn't. The topic was at least comfortable and familiar, even if I despised it.

"I'm not supposed to take the time to be here," Sai explained, and I wondered if he caught on to my confusion. "But since you're here, it's okay now."

At this point, I was beyond confused. I was nervous and tired and I wanted this boy to go away. We connected on the wrong level, I decided. My first impression didn't mean anything good for me.

"Well, you should start the assignment," I said, trying to say words that would make him stop talking and would make me sound confident at the same time.

"I'm not interested in the assignment," Sai said, suddenly frowning. He looked back and forth between the paper on his desk and me, and eventually, he settled on staring at me. I was about to open my mouth again to speak when I realized that he had understood me. I hadn't pointed to the paper or picked up a pencil or made any sign that I was talking about the assignment. Had I? In my nervousness, I may have missed my actions completely…

I stared back at him, not so confident anymore. Maybe I never was. Despite Shannon's words, I couldn't beat the evil in the world, especially when I could hardly keep my eyes focused on the path in front of me. I always looked down to the ground, and I ignored the present as best as I could. I focused on what I wanted, but never did anything to get what I wanted.

"You're so shy…" Sai observed, still looking at me. "You don't seem to like it here."

This seemed familiar. He said a statement, so I nodded. He was right, anyway.

"Well, you don't have to worry anymore. I like it here, since I'm learning about pokémon and getting better like I'm supposed to. But I can't stay here forever. And when I leave this place, I'm taking you with me."

x

On Thursday, I didn't go to the school. I just told Earl that I didn't want to go, and he was okay with that. I mentally apologized to Shannon for not being there, but I wasn't really sorry. I needed a day for myself. All I did was sleep, I was so, so tired.

x

On Friday, I was glad that I had taken that day off. Friday was all about battles, and I hadn't battled in such a long time. Earl made me battle a lot as a Tyrogue, but once I had evolved after battling the students' pokémon so much, I was considered too experienced. And Earl caught on to the fact that I didn't like being on the battlefield so that everyone could watch me and judge me.

I didn't usually battle, but thanks to Sai, I had to battle on that particular Friday.

The boy said that he had no pokémon to battle with. I thought that Earl was going to have me battle for him, but he didn't. Again, he said that I was too experienced, and that I may not listen to a beginner like him.

I was vastly relieved—until Sai asked if he could borrow me for the weekend so that I could help him catch his first pokémon.

"Well," Earl started. No one had ever requested such a thing, and I had no idea how he was going to react. At that moment, that was what scared me most, more than the idea of actually going with him. That quickly changed when Earl said, "Yes, of course! Hitmontop is strong pokémon. He will help catch for you. A good idea it is."

And then I was scared of _everything_.

I spent the day watching other kids battle. But I could hardly pay attention to them when they asked me questions, and eventually, they just left me alone, which I was eternally grateful for. Hearing kids yell commands at the top of their lungs made me anxious. Having others point out when a pokémon lost or won made me cringe. I didn't need this, but it was what I was going to get with Sai, who simply also watched and seemed to be faring much better than I was. He was absorbing it all, I was sure. He was learning. About pokémon. He would spend his life going on a journey, I was sure. He was no better than the rest of them.

My fears were confirmed when Sai took me away from Earl when the school was let out, even though it was soon revealed that he already had two pokémon. He had brought me to the edge of the city only to meet up with his sentret and totodile, two popular, common choices among the kids in the school. They stared at me with interest, especially the totodile, and I was sure that they had never seen a hitmontop before. I silently wished that I was as common as them so that they would look away from me, but then, the idea of me belonging to a trainer—especially a new one—was inevitable. I couldn't win.

But I was soon going to be expected to win, I knew...

Looking directly at me, Sai said, "We're going to the pokémon gym now. You didn't battle today, so you should be fine."

Despite myself, I immediately said, "I… I thought that you needed me to help you catch a pokémon."

"Lying gets you what you want, no? Earl wouldn't have let me take you if he knew I was going to fight a gym leader for my first battle…"

There was too many things wrong with that sentence, but it successfully shut me up until we got to the gym. When we got to the entrance of the gym, however, I couldn't stop talking.

"I haven't battled in forever. You don't want to use me… What about these guys? I'm a fighting-type. This gym uses flying-types. E-Everyone knows that. Didn't you learn anything when you were in—"

This time, I shut myself up. To actually deem the information used in class worthwhile was astonishing and unfamiliar to me. I didn't deserve to get out of this situation so easily, since I hardly was supportive of my real beliefs.

The sentret answered for Sai, anyway. The boy probably wasn't listening. That was good. "We were going to train, but Sai saw the school and decided to do that instead. We haven't battled at all," the sentret said.

"Why… don't you train and battle when you're stronger, then?" I asked.

"I can't waste too much time here. We can do it on the way to the next city. Don't be difficult," Sai said sternly, the softness in his eyes gone. So he had been listening. I wished that he hadn't, and I scolded myself for speaking out to begin with.

"I won't do well. I wasn't meant for this," I said solemnly.

"You'll be fine. Let's go," Sai said. He probably had meant to sound reassuring, but it didn't work. His voice was now impatient and eager and harsh. Nevertheless, I stepped inside the gym after him and his pokémon.

The first thing I noticed was how big the gym was. The walls extended much higher than that of the school's, presumably so that the bird pokémon had room to fly without being restricted in any way. Maybe everyone would be so fascinated by the flexibility of the bird pokémon that I wouldn't be noticed. I could only hope.

The second thing that I noticed was that there was a small line for those who wanted to battle Falkner, the well known gym leader of this city. We waited in line, mostly in silence. The sentret and the totodile made conversation and they briefly introduced themselves to me, but quickly left me alone when they realized that I didn't want to talk. I could hardly pay attention, anyway. Maybe sometime later I would apologize, if I ever saw them again. They seemed kind enough, but Sai's first impression had been wrong, so I was wary.

It was eventually, finally, our turn to battle. I just wanted to get it over with. Falkner approached Sai and shook his hand. Sai stared at the handshake curiously and oddly, as if he wasn't used to the greeting.

"Since I've had a lot of battles in a row, this will just be a one-on-one battle," Falkner said as he turned around impatiently, going to his stand on his side of the arena.

"Should I… make an appointment next time?" Sai asked, his hand still outstretched. Falkner turned once more and stared at the boy.

"If you want. It's hard to battle ten trainers in a row with just a few pokémon," Falkner explained, his voice softened and his body less tense.

"Okay, then. I apologize," Sai said. I stared at him, dumbfounded. Just a moment ago, he had seemed furious with me for trying to disobey him, and now he was acting like the friendliest boy in the world with the gym leader. I tried to dwell on this instead of the fact that I was about to be sent out for battle, but these thoughts also made my head spin.

I staggered back slightly when Sai bent down to talk to me face-to-face. "Look," he said, "I'm not going to tell you what to do. You battle how you want to. I… wouldn't know what to say, and you don't seem to like being told what to do…"

This boy made my head spin. Now he was being just as kind to me. But I couldn't deny that I appreciated his concern and kindness. I simply nodded and walked slowly to the battlefield, sparing him from having to announce the fact that he would be battling with me.

"A hitmontop, huh? This battle may not last long, then, and that's a good thing. I'll send out pidgeotto," Falkner said, grinning while throwing out a red and white pokéball onto the arena. A bird whose body consisted of various shades of brown appeared. I just looked at the pidgeotto's features, waiting for the battle to start. The feathers on its head were red, as were the feathers on its tail. I noticed some yellow on its tail as well. It looked a bit tired and dirty, and I really did feel sorry for it. It had probably battled just earlier today, whereas I had been safe for months at this point. I wasn't so lucky anymore.

"Challenger usually goes first," Falkner stated after quite a few moments of silence.

"He will be battling on his own. He does not wish for me to command him," Sai said just as sternly.

"All right, then," Falkner said, shrugging his shoulders and brushing some of his blue hair out of his eyes. "Pidgeotto, start off with a wing attack!"

Of course he had to choose a move that required flying. The bird spread its wings and took off into the air, completely and easily annihilating all chances for me to attack it. I had no long range attacks, and this was why fighting-types would forever be considered weak to flying-types.

The pidgeotto flew high enough to ensure its own safety, and then flew closer to me. Then it started diving downward, its wings spread out and ready to attack me. I just stared at it, waiting for Sai to give me a command. I didn't want it, but I was used to being told what to do. The fact that he wasn't going to command me to do anything hit me too late, as the pidgeotto's wing slammed into the side of my face and sent me flying to the side and colliding with the concrete floor of the gym, near the wall. Before it hit me, I saw how intense and serious the bird was. Why did it have to look at me like that? I was here against my will…

"Now use quick attack, pidgeotto," Falkner said.

This time, Sai's lack of participation didn't have to register. I got out of the way, though the pidgeotto was still very close to hitting me again. It was much faster than me, but this turned out to be a disadvantage as the bird collided with the wall that I had been near. Its tiredness and speed had made it unable to turn out of the way of danger in time. The bird quickly slunk to the ground, but quickly got back up and stood on its two feet.

"It's all right, pidgeotto. We'll avoid speedy attacks from now on. Try to peck at it. Be persistent."

The pidgeotto extended its wings once more and flew in my direction again, this time more slowly and carefully. I held up my arms to cover my face, but I realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere if I kept being so defensive. As the bird flew at me with that same intense look, I made it think that I was going to give in to its attack. When it was close enough, I tried to forget the look—just for a few moments—in order to lift my arms from my face and slam one of them down onto one of the bird's wings. I had successfully pinned one of the pidgeotto's wings down, and the other one was safely tucked back into the bird's body. Taken by surprise, the bird kept trying to peck at me out of anger instead of with confidence, but it couldn't reach me in the position that it was stuck in.

"Pidgeotto, try to get out of there!" Falkner said, his calm and smug demeanor gone.

But it was no use. My arm was stronger than its lone wing. It seemed that the wall had done a lot of damage last time, so I prepared to use my rolling kick attack to send it in that direction once more. As I started to swing one of my legs behind me as far as I could to generate as much power as possible, I quietly said, "I'm sorry," and hoped that the bird understand. But I wasn't sure that it would. I couldn't tell who had more experience, but it was tired, and the type advantage had turned out to be a disadvantage because of it. And since Falkner was the first gym for new trainers, he had obviously been chosen because he was weaker than the rest of the boy's pokémon. I was sorry for it. But I did what I had to do.

When I had finished preparing my rolling kick attack, I swung my leg around my body and made direct contact with the pidgeotto's side. The white spikes on my feet dug into its side and the collision made it fly into the wall, just as I had wanted. This time, however, it didn't get back up on its feet. It was only as the bird fainted that I realized the battle had been done in almost complete silence aside from Falkner's commands and my apology.

"Pidgeotto, return," Falkner said solemnly. I wished that, if I had to be here, that it was with Earl, so I could be returned to a pokéball, too. I suddenly remembered that I was with Sai again, and I felt a mixture of nervousness and pride.

I distracted myself by watching Falkner walk over to Sai, who was smiling and had his arm outstretched once more. The gym leader dug into his pocket and took out a small, oddly shaped object, and placed it in Sai's palm.

"I wish that I could have fought you at full strength, but the hitmontop still would have been tough," Falkner said. He obviously didn't like to lose, as told by his voice when he returned his pokémon, but he sounded glad now. "Next time, though, you should use your own pokémon. Earl must have given you the hitmontop to see how you'd do, am I right?"

Sai frowned for just a moment, and I wondered if Falkner would do anything about it. But he didn't. Sai simply nodded, and Falkner added, "It feels a bit weird, then, giving you the badge when you didn't seem to do much… but the teamwork was still there. Allowing the hitmontop to do what it wanted based on its personality was a good thing. I can tell you'll be a good, considerate trainer to your own pokémon."

Sai smiled again, though not as broadly. With a quiet thank you, Sai turned to leave the gym, clutching the badge in his hand. He looked to the ground as he walked out, just as he had done when being introduced to the class by Earl. I felt connected to him again, but didn't have much hope for it this time.

Outside of the gym, the mixture of anxiety and happiness returned. It didn't help when the sentret was tending to my wounds and when the totodile kept yelling about how strong and awesome I was to have beaten the bird so quickly and with apparent ease. I didn't want their praise. I had just directly contributed to Sai's journey. Even if I hadn't meant to, I still did it. He could be doing something else. I'm sure that the world was in need of something besides pokémon trainers. But I had probably just encouraged him to stay as a trainer by winning him his first badge. I hated myself for it, yet I liked knowing that I still had strength, even if I didn't know it.

I knew that I was right about encouraging Sai when he came to me and told me that I had done a good job, and that he had made the right choice when he chose me to be his pokémon. Again, I remembered him telling me that he would be taking me with him on his journey. It seemed like he had said that so long ago, but really, I had been pushing it into the back of my mind, because the idea seemed impossible. I had no idea what was out there. And the idea of facing the unknown was terrifying. But he seemed set on taking me with him, since he then nicknamed me on the spot.

"Your name is Atis. And Atis, I think you did a good job," he repeated. The name made it more final. Earl had never given me a name for some reason, and it seemed like a more creative name compared to the kiddy names that the children called their pokémon. There had been many cyndaquil named Blaze, I recalled…

Sai dug in his pocket and pulled out an object. Dice. I recognized the object from some activity that Earl had done with the kids once, but I wasn't sure what Sai was going to do with it. It seemed pointless in regards to pokémon training, after all, so surely he couldn't be interested in it.

He seemed to have found some use for it, though. He handed it to me, and told me to throw it. I did so since I could see no harm coming from it. It landed on the number three, and I was still just as confused as before.

"Now you can see it with your own eyes," Sai said, grinning. "You're my third pokémon. It's official."

"But I—" I started to say. But what? I belonged to Earl? I was miserable with him, though his intentions were pure. Could Sai be much better when I despised trainers who thought of nothing but pokémon? I could at least learn more about the world... Maybe I could convince Sai of being something else. Focusing on one child had always been easier than a whole classroom full of them, anyway. "What about Earl?" I decided to ask anyway. "What about the school?" Surely, I would have time to decide and think. Or time to push back the thoughts and go crazy when I only have a few minutes to make a decision. And I was right.

"We're leaving in a week," Sai said. "You best be ready."


	5. logistics

chapter 5 ; [KUIORA]  
>logistics<p>

x

Violet City wasn't violet. There was green grass and brown buildings and white walking paths and there weren't even any violet flowers. And the purple roofs didn't count. It was sort of disappointing. I don't know what I had been expecting, but it was certainly more than this. This city looked just like New Bark Town, except just organized in an entirely different way. A city full of flower houses and purple people would have been better.

Senori had a sad expression on his face when we got there. He didn't even look up from the ground. I didn't think he was upset for the same reasons as me; he had seen much more than me. I guessed that he was upset about saying good-bye to whoever it was he had left Sai for, but I thought that meant he should be happy. Whoever was holding him down no longer had to hold him down. Unless Senori let it get to him, he was free, just as I was free from Professor Elm. I told him to cheer up a few times, but he just told me that I didn't understand, and that he'd get over it soon.

Sai seemed unresponsive to the city as a whole at first, too. He walked slowly and said nothing until we came across a large building that he called a school, and another large building that he called a gym. That was when Senori finally spoke before spoken to.

"You know, normal kids wouldn't be excited about school. Trainers would complain about how they wasted so much time there instead of raising pokémon. Normal kids would be dying of hunger or thirst by now," he said, holding his stomach.

"What's school?" I asked. I could be curious, at least, without being scolded.

"It's where you can learn about a lot of things… especially pokémon-related things," Sai explained, walking up to the building and pushing his face against the windows.

Senori promptly ran in his direction and pulled at his legs, yelling, "Get away from the window! You got lucky at the professor's lab, but they'll definitely see you and think you're a freak here!"

I noted how Senori mentioned the lab, how Sai must have been watching me and the others the entire time, but I hadn't noticed at all. It must have been the little brown creature keeping him in line, and he was trying to do it again now. Sai moved, but not because of Senori's force. He brushed off the pokémon like it was nothing and went back to where he had been before.

"Okay. You don't have to yell at me. But I'm going there. I won't stay long, but I think it will help me get better," he said, still looking at the building.

"Get better at what?" I asked.

"Training. Raising pokémon. Getting badges and getting stronger as fast as possible," he said. And he smiled.

"I can help with that," I said eagerly. "Professor Elm taught us how to train at the lab. I knew how to train better than everyone else there, too."

"You don't have any experience, little guy. I bet those kids do… and especially the older guy there."

"But I know how to train. And people should just bring food to you and your pokémon," I said, trying to speak louder. The pokémon at the lab were hopeless. Hopefully Sai and Senori weren't like them. I would find out in time by trying to talk more, I decided.

"Fine. We'll rest and go get food. Happy now?"

"Yes," Senori said. "If you don't remember to sleep or feed yourself or your pokémon, there's going to be issues… Good thing I'm here."

"But if we just wait here—"

"Shush." He glared on me and I cut myself off immediately. I had never seen that much seriousness or lack of emotion packed into one face. "I know what you're talking about, but we don't need to deal with that anymore, do we? Let's go, little guy."

What on earth was he talking about? He thought that I was a boy and he pushed me away in favor of the true first pokémon. I already didn't like him.

x

But things got better. He took us to the store and bought enough food to last us for what seemed like forever. He also bought an unbelievable amount of pokéballs, and a backpack to carry it all. I thought that he should've just taken the entire store if the owner was willingly given so much away, but Senori explained that he could only buy so much with pokédollars. So this was why Professor Elm never got a bigger lab for us, even when we just seemed to grow and grow…

"Are you really planning on catching that many pokémon?" I asked so that I could stop thinking about him. Professor Elm was gone, and I was free. He didn't mean anything to me. And I was hoping to prove to him sometime soon that he wouldn't need to catch so many. I would get stronger, and I'm sure Senori would, too. While I reluctantly accepted that Senori would get better with me, I believed that we could be enough, and that only a couple more pokémon couldn't hurt.

"Maybe."

"What about medicine?" Senori suddenly asked, not seeming to care about what was already bought anymore.

He paused. "Medicine has never helped me," he said softly.

"It could work for pokémon."

"Then we'll get it later."

"But you're already out of pokédollars," Senori pointed out.

"We'll get more of those later, too," he replied, his voice stronger again.

Senori sighed and apparently decided to settle on food. "Whatever will be, will be, I guess," he said, and he made his way over to the entrance of the door, signaling his desire to leave.

And that was the end of that. As we walked out, I noticed that the guy behind the counter, the one who had given Sai suggestions on food types and the pokéballs themselves, was looking at us rather oddly.

x

Next, we visited a place called the Pokémon Center for the very first time. Sai seemed to have never heard of such a thing. The place was huge and crowded with other trainers who were conversing with each other and showing off their pokémon. I tried holding on to Sai's ankle to keep myself from getting lost, hoping that he'd join the crowd soon enough. There didn't seem to be too many totodile around, so surely someone wouldn't object to seeing one with their own fortunate eyes.

Instead, Sai headed to the front counter and asked what he could do here for his pokémon. There was a lady with pink hair and a soft but genuine smile there for him to talk to. She happily informed him that he could leave us here to get healed from any injuries, or to simply have a place to sleep peacefully and out of pokéballs for the night.

"But I don't want to give away my pokémon," Sai said flatly. He glowered at her. "I just got them."

The lady behind the counter frowned and looked almost like Sai had hurt her physically. "Oh, we don't keep your pokémon here. You can come back and get them whenever you'd like. Or you could rent a room for yourself for the night and take your pokémon with you."

The boy's face almost returned to normal, though he was still frowning. He was still suspicious. "Okay," he said. "Well, maybe I'll come back when it's dark. Thank you."

After turning away from the front counter and the lady, Sai bent down toward us and whispered, "Now we'll definitely get that medicine later." Senori nodded, satisfied this time around, and the boy led us outside once more.

x

Needless to say, Sai didn't want to go back to that Pokémon Center. We slept on the outskirts of the city in the grass once again. No one complained, since us two pokémon had been used to it for our entire lives. Sai didn't seem to mind, either, though I couldn't understand why.

After that day, though, he left his backpack with us and went off to that school. He'd be gone when we woke up, and he wouldn't be back until it was dark. We knew where he was, so it wasn't that big of a deal, but we didn't know what to do. It wasn't as if we particularly liked each other. And if we tried to do anything, we risked getting lost. One day, though, I had an idea.

"Let's catch a strong pokémon for Sai," I suggested. "If he sees how strong and awesome we are, then he won't have to use all of those pokéballs."

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like that. He seems picky about who he chooses," Senori said. He was sitting against a tree, eyes closed. I glared at him for dismissing my idea in such a nonchalant way, but he continued, "I'm also tired. I haven't slept well since we're in unfamiliar territory…"

"Who cares? He has to keep whoever we choose. We're his pokémon! He has to listen to what we want," I said. I went over to his backpack, trying to figure out how to reach the contents inside of it. There seemed to be no opening for me to put my hand into. With this roadblock and Senori's annoying self, I ended up ripping a hole into it with my teeth and not caring too much about it.

"Not listening, huh? I bet you don't even know how to catch a pokémon," Senori observed.

"I bet I could," I said confidently, pulling out one of the spheres with my paws. It was a bit difficult to pull it through the hole I had made on the backpack with my tiny paws, but I managed it. I turned toward Senori, and went to push the button in the middle of the ball. I dropped it once in the process, since it was difficult for me to hold. Senori snickered, and I glared at him once more.

"You're a baby compared to me. You're fun to mess with. And it seems natural for someone older like me to do so…" Senori added a bit sadly.

"Yeah, well," I started, unsure of what to say. I was young, true. But he didn't have to rub it in my face. I pressed the button on the pokéball instead, and dropped it again as it grew larger, making it harder to hold than before. "All I have to do is press that button. Then, I have to throw it at the pokémon I want to catch. It's easy. Why don't _you_ try catching something?"

Senori's eyes were still closed, but I didn't give him a warning as I tossed the pokéball in his direction. It didn't occur to me for a moment that the ball, when it got close enough to Senori, could snap open and suck the little brown creature inside. But that's exactly what it did. And then it fell to the ground, swaying back and forth every few seconds. I stood there, dumbfounded. Hadn't Sai already caught him with a pokéball? This shouldn't have even been possible...

I expected Senori to pop back out and start teasing me again. But he didn't. The ball stopped moving after what seemed like forever, and then I was left alone to wonder what I had just done. I successfully shut him up, and I could have something to use against him whenever he made fun of me from now on. Also, I figured that I had just saved Sai some time, and that I could now tell him that Senori had a pokéball if it was ever needed.

Walking up to Senori's pokéball, I wondered if I should let him back out. But that would just be asking for more teasing and more complaints about things I wanted to do. Also, he was tired… Wouldn't it have been best to just leave him in there to rest? Plus, I wasn't the trainer. Sai could decide thing about his pokémon himself. This was just an accident, so my actions didn't count. I picked up the ball, which was easier now that it was back to its original tiny form. It didn't feel any heavier, nor were there any signs that a pokémon was inside of it. It was almost as if Senori didn't exist at all. I vaguely wondered again if I should release him, because if I were him, I wouldn't want to be erased so easily. I had so much to do. I had to get stronger. I had to be deemed worthy of the legends. So much to do, and Sai made it seem like there wasn't much time…

I decided to just train myself and put Senori's pokéball in Sai's backpack. I didn't need the other pokémon standing around and watching me or trying to say that he could do better just because he was older. I could get a lot more done without him around, and this was especially true since it was still daylight. Sai wouldn't be back for a long time. Still. So much to do, so little time.

I trained all day and all night, working on punches and kicks and aiming my water attacks correctly while still causing a lot of damage. I had been hoping to find new ways to train after leaving Professor Elm's lab and seeing what else the world had to offer me, but I tried not to dwell on that and worked with what I had. I trained even after Sai came back, because when he came back, he didn't ask where Senori was, and I didn't tell him. He actually seemed calm and satisfied for once, and with the awkward and solemn demeanor he had presented already, I didn't want to mess with that. He also didn't ask why the grass or the trees were so wet. He still sat in the grass and he still slept against the trees and I still trained.

x

As it turned out, it was a good thing that I didn't catch another strong pokémon for Sai, because he found one on his own. It was a strange looking creature that had been named Atis. It was strange looking, but also intimidating. He didn't seem to like anyone, his feet and head had spikes on them, and when he battled in the other building Sai liked—the gym, was it?—he fought impressively. The battle was short, and even with the type advantage (I had learned about that from the bird owner, not Sai), he wasn't afraid and he did what he had to do to win. I wanted to be like him. I vowed to be used in the next gym battle.

This was also the first time I had seen Senori since I had accidentally captured him. That morning, Sai finally asked me where he was when he said that we were going to the gym, and I explained everything to him. Besides a slight smile, Sai didn't react much, and had to dig through his backpack and try every pokéball until he found Senori's and let him out. He announced that we would be going to the gym later that day, and to be prepared. Now that I thought about it, I wasn't sure why, since he never intended for us to battle at all. But that was okay. Atis showed us the regular routine, and next time, I (or Senori, unless Sai realized how much training I had done) would know what to do.

"Was there a reason you had to go and catch me like that?" Senori asked when he finally saw me. We had been standing in the line of the gym.

"Yeah. You didn't think I could do it. So I did it," I replied, smirking.

"You knew I was joking. But at least I'm not tired anymore," Senori said softly, already seeming to give up on the scolding. He just didn't have the heart to be angry at anyone, I realized.

"Why didn't you just break out of the pokéball? You were tired, yeah, but it should have been easy."

"I didn't want to make Sai mad at me for wasting it."

And then we were quiet and watched Atis, who seemed naturally quiet unless coerced into speaking. I had no idea how he accomplished such a thing, but he did.

Violet City. The place wasn't violet, but I got to train, Senori got to rest, Atis got to leave his home, and Sai learned an awful lot in order to earn his first gym badge at the end of it all.

When we were leaving Violet City, the lady from behind the counter at the Pokémon Center was outside, unlocking the doors for the day. She shouted to us, saying that there was a Center in every town, but Sai ignored her. He hadn't even brought Atis there to heal after his battle, but he hadn't sustained many injuries, so it was understandable. And when we passed by the school, Atis peered into the windows one final time, but he didn't seem to need a good-bye like Senori did. I wondered why, but I didn't question him. I would have to earn his attention through strength in the future, since he was so strong himself.

Unlike the trip to Violet City, we ran into quite a few pokémon trainers and more wild pokémon on the way to the next town. Atis destroyed all the pokémon in one hit, wild or not. Senori and I had a bit more trouble… which I guess was to be expected. It was also difficult when Sai didn't know attack names when trying to command the both of us (though he let Atis do what he wanted). He just gave us general commands and thought that we should be able to comprehend and act on them in a matter of seconds, but sometimes, we couldn't. How was I supposed to know what "ram your body into it" meant? I told him that he must be talking about the body slam attack… which I didn't know anyway, I had to admit. Someday, I'd learn how. Or someday, Sai would learn how to win (or lose) battles like a normal trainer. By the end of the day, I didn't care which came first.

The hardest part about the traveling trip was the cave that we came across. The cave was old, we could tell. Wild pokémon were even afraid to come out at times since rocks were falling from the ceiling pretty much everywhere. Other trainers didn't want to take the time to battle. Senori voiced his concern about us getting squished to bits, but Sai didn't seem fazed. He walked where he wanted and rested where he wanted, with the rest of us being separated while trying to find somewhere safe, somewhere where no other trainer or pokémon was already occupying. I didn't know how long it took to get through that cave, but it seemed like way too long after being paranoid about rocks and having your life end before you really got anywhere.

Senori was the first and only to be endangered. He had picked an obviously bad spot, and a trainer noticed. The rest of us were resting. We were too far away to look out for him or notice what was going on.

"Watch out!" said an unfamiliar voice out of nowhere, and Senori's ears perked up. He looked above him and went to move out of the way, but no one would ever know if he would have been too slow or not. The trainer crashed into him and the two went careening away from the rocks, which promptly fell as soon as they were out of the way. I could hear Senori screaming in surprise, not from pain—a good sign.

Sai didn't react to the situation until after Senori had screamed, until after the trainer pushed him out of the way, and until after the noise of rubble and failure from the rocks subsided. The trainer got up and helped Senori to his wobbly feet. He dusted Senori off and then himself, then stomped angrily over to our trainer.

"You should really watch your pokémon more. Return them to their pokéballs or something. I came in here not long after you, so I've seen you this entire time. I feel sorry for your pokémon," the trainer said.

Sai stood up from his resting spot, and stepped in front of the other trainer so that their faces were inches apart. "I'm sorry that happened, and thanks for saving him. But don't tell me what to do with my pokémon. I have enough orders without you butting in to my life."

"A trainer makes his own rules, but should be careful with the rules he makes," the other trainer said, backing away from Sai, but still looking just as angry.

"You don't know anything about me. I'm as careful as I can and want to be."

"Again, I feel sorry for your pokémon. It was none of my business, but if I hadn't stepped in, your sentret would be dead. Let that sink in," the trainer said, and then he walked away, stopping only to scratch Senori behind the ears for a few moments of reassurance.

Before Sai let him get away, he yelled, "How long have you been following us, anyway?"

"I'm not following you. But we've all been in here for two and a half weeks now, which makes us all even more lucky that no one's been killed yet," the other trainer answered, not bothering to turn around.

"Two and a half weeks," Sai murmured, making his way over to Senori. He bent down to see him face-to-face. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Let's just get out of here."

Senori could only nod, still confused and shocked and full of dirt.

"Do any of you want to go in your pokéball?" Sai asked loudly, clearly, looking around at the three of us.

"No," Senori said quickly. "Who will protect you, then?"

"…Fine," Sai said. "And you two?"

Atis agreed to go in his ball, but I wasn't about to give up possible training time. I was younger and more alert and stronger; I could handle whatever came my way by myself. I also thought that I could use this incident to tease Senori, but I would have to wait until later.

When we started to make our way through the cave again, Sai took the time to process just how much time had passed. He became increasingly furious with every passing moment. He started sacrificing resting time just to travel more, and all he kept murmuring about was how much time had been wasted here. No more time could be spent here. If we were hungry, we ate and walked at the same time. If we were thirsty, we had to take a drink from the ponds quickly for fear of being left behind, which was a risk we had to take since the availability of water was few and far between. If we were tired, we went in our pokéballs (at which point Senori actually half-heartedly thanked me for catching him and giving him a place to rest). I even saw Sai fight some pokémon himself, even the rock-types, and I made a mental note to myself so that I could see just how strong he was sometime.

It took us three more days to get through the cave, Sai announced later. Somehow, he had been carefully keeping track of time. It was nighttime when we reached the outside of the cave, but Sai didn't want to stop and rest there. Being near the cave was dangerous, he said, and being in the actual town would make him feel better. That night, we slept in the pokémon center, with the boy making it very clear that he would be taking his pokémon with him into the room. The pink-haired lady behind the counter was confused by his apparent hostility, but she agreed and gave him a room nonetheless for a certain number of pokédollars. The boy didn't sleep much, but we certainly did. And we took every drink and piece of food offered to us by the people who came by the room and knocked cheerfully.

We had finally reached Azalea Town, where I got to train some more, where Senori realized just how weak he was, where Atis apparently learned how to speak, and where Sai went crazy for the first time.


	6. escalate

chapter 5 ; [ATIS]  
>escalate<p>

x

I lost track of days not long after I left Violet City with Sai.

Saying good-bye to Earl had been an easier feat than I had expected—he was happy for me, and seemed all too eager to give me away to a boy who was leaving his school much earlier than the rest of his students. That was his personality, I knew. He was caring and trusting and he always had everyone's best intentions in mind. I wondered if he would miss me or if he really didn't want to let me go, but I tried not to dwell on it. I wouldn't have been able to stand knowing that he would be thinking of me in such a negative way whenever he encountered something that reminded him of me.

Even if he hadn't wanted me to leave, I would have done so anyway. Leaving meant a better chance of finding joy. And although Sai was rather odd, it was this lack of normalcy that attracted me to him. Maybe, just maybe, I could change him. I could deter him from pokémon training. I could be… something. The path to Azalea Town made me think of this even more, especially when the sentret—or Senori, as I eventually learned—almost got hurt, but was saved by another trainer. Possible danger and discouragement from others could be ideas used against him during my efforts. The situation even made me second guess my decision, though I was prone to such swaying.

Yes, I lost track of the days in order to use time to the best of my ability, rather than to just watch my life pass by slowly, yet in the blink of an eye.

Still, Sai made it difficult to lose track of time. It took a little over three weeks to get out the cave, he said. During those last few days, I was forced to keep up with him because he was walking so fast. If I tried to get lost in my thoughts and ignore the rest of the world like I usually did, I fell behind and panicked. So I tried to keep myself focused. I could hear him mumbling numbers over and over as he swiftly made his way through the rest of the cave while simply assuming that we were close behind. Time seemed important to this boy all of a sudden. Before, he was content to come to the school day after day, and he allowed me an entire week to prepare for my departure. Now, he seemed obsessed with numbers and speed, as if his life depended on it. Kuiora seemed to notice, but didn't care much—she only tried to get his attention by beating the occasional wild pokémon that dared to fight. And Senori often looked at him with concern, but was too paralyzed to say anything.

When we got to Azalea Town, his suddenly obsessive self scattered and escalated to a pace that no one else could keep up with.

The first night was normal enough. He wanted to sleep in the pokémon center, as expected. No trainer could resist the luxury of pokémon centers, though he didn't try to hide the glares he gave the nurses who looked at us. Despite his unnecessary anger, they gave us a room with two beds and other standard human things. I watched from the doorway as Sai paced around the room anxiously, and as Kuiora and Senori stared at objects that perhaps only I had seen before—lamps, carpet, indoor plants. They treaded lightly and refused to touch anything, as if it all was sacred and fragile. At one point, a worker from the center knocked on our door and offered us some pokémon food, which they also took as if they were being presented with the greatest gift in the world.

Though curiosity was present, tiredness was overpowering, and the night soon ended. Kuiora and Senori slept together on the bottom bunk since they were closer friends, while I took the top so that no one could see me. Sai didn't sleep at all—he just kept pacing, back and forth, back and forth, mumbling incomprehensibly. I thought I could feel him watching me, but I was too exhausted to care. Anxiety had a limit when you were constantly exposed to the idea of being crushed by a bunch of rocks, I supposed…

x

Sai woke us up at sunrise. I thought that I was starting to have a nightmare about earthquakes, but it was just Sai shaking the bed in order to get my attention from the top bunk. I immediately sat up and tried to control my uneven breathing so that I could tell him to stop, but by the time I prepared myself, he had already yelled up to me about going to get breakfast and was out the door.

I climbed down from the bed and saw the other two pokémon staring at me, slightly confused. I almost fell as I tried to steady myself on the floor, and thought to make a break for it like Sai had before they could ask me anything.

"I like his style today," Kuiora said, not bothering to let the boy get to her. She bounced off of the bed and headed for the door herself, smiling. "I'm going to get some food."

Senori soon followed her, though he didn't say anything. I just stood in place for a few moments, wondering whether or not to go with them. Staying and enjoying the peace and quiet was an option, but I knew that if I really wanted to start getting involved with Sai's life before he decided his fate on his own, I couldn't just hide forever. I made my way out of the room, finding small amounts of comfort in the soft floor below me.

I followed Senori around the corner, noting how quiet it still was. Everyone else still must have been sleeping. The center surely couldn't have just been empty—there had been too many trainers around when we arrived last night. It was impossible for me not to notice. While I was wondering why the place was so quiet, I didn't notice that Senori had stopped moving, and I accidentally bumped into him.

"I-I'm sorry," I said, looking down to the floor bashfully and running my foot along the carpet, seeking more comfort.

"It's fine. I'm not sure where Sai went," Senori said simply.

"Oh. Well… we could try to find a nurse and see if they can tell us where to go…"

"Good idea," Senori said, nodding. And with that, he took the lead again and kept moving forward. I followed and vowed to pay more attention this time. I considered my endeavor rather successful when I saw a pink-haired nurse first and pointed it out to Senori. He nodded again, went up to the nurse, and tugged at the bottom of her white skirt. She had been talking to another trainer, but immediately took notice of Senori and smiled, asking if the poor pokémon was lost. Again, Senori nodded, and I wished I could have taken the useful role—especially since I would have been allowed to remain silent.

"What are you looking for, dear?" she asked.

"…Food. My trainer went to get food," Senori said hesitantly, gesturing toward his mouth with his paws.

"Don't worry, silly. I can understand pokémon," the nurse said, chuckling slightly. "I spend enough time with them to know what they're trying to say, no matter what species. Now, the breakfast room is through that door on the other side of the building. Enjoy!" She pointed behind Senori, and then turned away to continue talking to the trainer, a boy who looked vaguely familiar. I didn't stick around to see him, though, as I followed Senori in the direction that the nurse sent us in. Luckily, the lobby was empty save for a couple people, so I didn't have to worry about getting lost this time around.

When we got there, however, Sai was gone. Kuiora was obliviously eating nearly everything in sight, especially the berries. She didn't see us come in, and we had to ask her quite a few times where Sai was before she acknowledged us.

"He came in here and then left this place. Didn't even eat," she explained in between bites of food.

"You didn't follow him to see where he was going?" Senori asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Nope. I was hungry… and he's the trainer, not me."

"Huh…" Senori turned to look at me. "He seems, um, rather upbeat today. I'm not really sure if we should go after him and risk ruining it," he added, smiling awkwardly.

"You can eat," I offered. I was hungry, but staying meant that I would have to be alone with Senori, since Kuiora clearly wasn't interested in speaking to us. One-on-one interaction wasn't exactly my favorite situation to be in, so I just offered to go look for Sai instead. After receiving a skeptical look from the sentret, I quickly said that I'd be careful. He agreed and scrambled over to the table next to the totodile. I was free to leave.

x

The sky was half bright, half dark when I walked out of the pokémon center. The city itself was half bright, half dark, as the forest towered over the part of the city that we hadn't come in through. There were some hints of light on the other side where we arrived, and I looked at those areas first, noting how the pavement was uncomfortable beneath my feet. I was used to darkness—I craved it, even—but I couldn't help hopefully looking toward the lighter side of things. With so little people out this early in the morning and with the illuminated part of the city demanding my attention, finding Sai was an easy task, though deciding whether or not to chase after him was another story.

I had to decide whether or not to chase him because I saw him entering a random house.

It occurred to me that I had no idea where my trainer lived. Wherever it was, it couldn't have been in Azalea Town… right? Why sleep in the pokémon center, then? He wasn't the kind that seemed to like much interaction, however. I understood this, but I also understood that there were more efficient ways of going about avoiding those you lived with…

I decided to chase after him. I ran through the small town, trying to focus on the house so that I wouldn't arrive there only to forget which one he had entered. They all looked the same, just as all trainers were the same. When I got to the house, the door was still propped open, so I reluctantly stepped inside. My heart was beginning to race, and I tried to calm myself down with the idea that this was no different than entering the school. Everyone was allowed there, even if it belonged to Earl. I could only hope that the owner here was as nice as he was.

My heart stopped when Sai tried to walk out just as soon as I entered, and ended up colliding with me unexpectedly. I stumbled backward, falling and landed on my back. I stayed on the ground, making no attempt to stand back up. Surely, things could have been worse, but the idea of being caught unwanted in someone else's home was enough to send me panicking. And hadn't I left the other pokémon to avoid this kind of reaction? I couldn't win.

"Atis!" Sai said excitedly. He reached down and lifted me to put me back on my feet. I looked up at him and nothing something odd about his eyes. I knew they were a dark blue, but now they seemed… glazed over. Deadened and desperate, somehow, though his demeanor said otherwise.

"Um, hi," I started lamely. I couldn't stop looking at his eyes.

"I'm sorry I skipped breakfast, Atis," he said quickly. "I wanted to go out and, you know, um, meet people. The door here was unlocked, but I went in the first room and no one was there. And the place was so big and cozy, you know, I couldn't take it, I'm not used to it, but I'm going to try again, okay?"

"Uh…" He was speaking too fast for me to fully understand. Something about seeing people and not being used to it. I simply nodded—words were useless here.

"Okay, let's go find the next house then," Sai said, holding on to my arm and pulling me to the next house over. Why did these things have to almost be right next to each other? I didn't have much time to process what was going on, but I immediately made a whining noise when Sai went to try opening that door, too.

"What's wrong, Atis?" Sai asked, though he still went to turn the knob. It was locked.

"I, uh, these houses… They aren't yours. You can't just go in them," I mumbled. His eyes widened in response.

"Why not? Senori always says things like that."

"They're private. You have to ask to go in," I said, a bit more confidently this time.

"Oh. I guess they're too good and cozy for everyone to have," Sai said, though his voice was still upbeat, as Senori would have put it.

"Uh, right…"

"Okay, then! Well, we now have a goal for today."

"We do?"

"Yep. We're going to get invited to everyone's houses. We'll get to everyone in town," Sai declared, grinning ecstatically.

"Oh…?" I started, but Sai had already started wandering off to find the few people who were already wandering about. I made my way over to him as fast as I could, but I was a bit late. He was talking to a girl who didn't look quite as confused as I was, but pretty close. Her hands grabbed on to the straps of the bag that rested at her side, and her lips were parted slightly, as if she were going to speak, but was unsure of what to say. There was more sunlight now that dawn had passed—was Sai looking for brightness, too? I couldn't tell what he wanted. I felt more and more disconnected with this boy with every passing minute, but it seemed to be the opposite for him. He was feeling more, connecting more—at the expense of his dignity, no doubt, but he nonetheless seemed to be making an attempt at being… human.

"So, yeah…" I heard Sai say. "I'd really, really like to come by and see everything and, uh, talk."

"Um..." the girl said, looking around nervously. And then she spotted me. I was standing behind Sai's legs, trying to stay hidden yet present so that I could stop him should he do anything too stupid. "Are you a trainer?"

"Yes," Sai said proudly. "This is Atis, my hitmontop. He's a little shy, but that's okay."

"My brother's a trainer, too," she said proudly, thankfully ignoring me from then on. "He just got back to town after getting his first pokémon. He says being around non-trainers is already a bit weird, so maybe he'd like you to come over."

"That'd be nice. Let's go, then," Sai said, taking a step toward her.

"Oh, it's a bit early right now... Why don't you come back later? For dinner or something," the girl said. "Just remember which house I live in, okay? They all look the same."

Sai's face fell a little, but he didn't lose his spirit. He said good-bye to her and told me he was going to go find someone who would talk to him now, and he was off again. What luck he had, after all, getting one step closer to reaching his goal not even five minutes into his adventure! And what terrible encouragement, I thought bitterly.

The next few people he talked to, though, were trainers who didn't live in Azalea Town. They offered, however, to give away their phone numbers, just in case he ever wanted to talk or if he needed something. When he explained he didn't have a phone, he was advised to get one, and to hand out his number whenever he was given the chance. It was extremely helpful among trainers, apparently, to have some kind of back-up help if necessary. I wondered where they had learned that. While I didn't approve of the training thing, I did approve of the tactic…

And while I was lost in my thoughts, Sai had left again. He was off to the pokémart.

At least I knew where the pokémart was. They were always easy to point out because of their blue roofs and a sign that blatantly said what the building was used for. I went inside and spotted Sai talking to the sales clerk, presumably asking for a phone.

We were there for quite a few hours, which was the longest amount of time I had seen Sai sit still for thus far, if you didn't count the adventure in the cave. There was just so much to choose from, Sai pointed out. Some phones had special features. All of them came in different shapes and sizes, too!

After a while, I no longer bothered to stick around and listen to his ramblings. Following him around everywhere had already been tiring. Instead, I wandered around, seeing what other things that humans were allowed to buy. I ended up in the clothes section, since it was the only part of the store that didn't scream out to trainers. Yes, people needed clothes for everyday use—and who made these clothes, anyway? Were there really enough people in the world to make enough clothes for everyone, when most people insisted on raising useless pokémon like me? The clothes aisle really wasn't cutting it, either. Luckily, or unluckily, Sai eventually ran over to me and presented three phones that he had just bought. They all had the same essential feature that he was looking for, though if I remembered right, some of them had games available, along with maps and information about pokémon.

"Don't you only need… one?" was all I could ask.

"I couldn't decide which one, so I just bought them all," Sai said, going to put them in his backpack. He stopped in the middle of this, however, to look at the same clothes that I had just been staring at. "Good idea, Atis. We need some clothes, too."

And thus began my adventure of watching him pick out clothes. He never looked at more than one article of clothing for more than a few moments, nor did he take the time to put them back. He simply threw them on the ground and kept on looking. He kept a few things, such as a dark green pullover sweater, pants, and some shoes that he'd probably just get annoyed with since he would have to carry them around all the time. He really confused me when he even chose some baby clothes.

"You're not a baby, Sai," I pointed out numbly.

"I feel like buying them anyway. I like them," he said simply. "I don't know, maybe you or Senori or Kuiora could wear them. You guys are small enough."

I blanched and wondered why I had to say such things when extremely nervous.

x

It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get him back to the pokémon center after his crazy shopping spree. Senori and Kuiora were waiting outside of our room's door, since we had been gone so long with the key. Sai let us all in the room, and I thought that our day was over—until I remembered that he had to go to that one house for dinner.

I flopped down on the bed, not aiming to get back up. But Senori walked over to me and questioned everything. He was worried, but didn't know what to do.

"I'm not really sure what happened today, either," I said lazily, lying there.

"What?"

"He ran around everywhere, trying to talk to everyone, and he wasn't angry over nothing. And he bought an awful lot of things. And, uh… I thought you said he was out of pokédollars," I finished stupidly.

"I did say that."

"Winning battles, maybe? Maybe he had more than you thought."

"Maybe…" Senori said. He looked down at the ground, lost in thought.

"Anyway, uh, we're going to be leaving again soon… for dinner," I said after a few moments of silence.

"Dinner?"

"Yep. Apparently, Sai now thinks that the town and everyone in it is his friend."

Senori's face brightened. "That's a good thing! Maybe he won't be angry anymore."

I didn't think that he could change so easily, but I didn't say anything back. I wasn't given a chance to, anyway, as Sai came up behind me and tried putting on one of the smaller t-shirts that he had bought earlier.

"Atis, your head is too big. I can't get this on you," he said, trying to pull it down harder. I was surprised it hadn't ripped yet. When I could, I ducked down and pelted forward, so that I was out of the boy's grasp. He easily took it as a sign that I didn't want the shirt, and went to Senori instead. Being much smaller (and with a much narrower head), the shirt went on easily. It was a white shirt that had a plain pokéball image on the front of it.

"Do I get a shirt?" Kuiora said, running up to Sai and pulling on his sleeve.

"I bought a lot, so sure…" he said, grabbing another one. This one was black and was designed with random designs like swirls and stars. I had to admit that I preferred that shirt, though it quickly got ripped due to the totodile's red spikes protruding from her back. It was wearable, but it looked odd. Kuiora didn't seem to mind; she just liked the attention. She didn't get much of it, however, as Sai started getting anxious again and didn't want to stay in the room. He took us back out to the lobby, which was much fuller than it was earlier. It was loud, crowded, and full of pokémon. Apparently, it was exactly what he was looking for.

Until it was time to go to dinner, Sai spent the rest of the time running around the lobby of the pokémon center, talking to everyone and showing off his partly dressed pokémon. Whenever he simply introduced me as his strong hitmontop, I closed my eyes and felt myself redden from embarrassment. There were so many pokémon around—none of which were evolved—and I knew they were all looking at me. All the new pokémon at the school had done the same. Some of the girls thought it was cute, but most people were trainers and were in a hurry to get going in order to get a head start in the forest before dark. They ignored him or brushed him off, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

x

Despite the girl's previous warning, it was difficult to remember where her house was. I had left it up to him to remember, but apparently, he hadn't. Thanks to Senori's generous explanation, Sai was at least able to knock on the door and ask for her, whatever her name was. It took us a while to find her. Sai never seemed keen on using pokéballs, so I took this time to rest as best as I could and to prepare myself for the upcoming situation. I hadn't been with the boy long, but I had already learned that anything could happen.

I was able to get a better look at her when we found her since it was daytime. Blonde hair, big dark eyes, a narrow face with soft skin and a small mouth. She looked an awful lot like the guy who had saved Senori in the cave, and I hoped my assumptions weren't correct. Since I had to memorize faces at the pokémon school and there had been quite a few siblings there over the years, I didn't think I was wrong. I knew, at least, that he wouldn't be here tonight, but still…

I started paying attention to the situation at hand when she solemnly announced that Sai had been an hour late and had already missed dinner. And she didn't have any pokémon food, though her brother should have been out shopping for some at that very moment. That only heightened my suspicions, but I didn't have time to think about it as Sai pushed past her and walked into the house anyway. She looked shocked, but didn't question him or make any attempt to get rid of him.

Us three pokémon stared at one another, wondering if we should follow. Kuiora decided to take the lead and went in as well—he was our trainer, after all, and we couldn't get in trouble for being loyal, now could we? I was about to point out my observations about the girl, but decided against it.

"Your house is very pretty," I heard Sai say as I walked in. It was, indeed, a nice house. I mostly noted how full and complete the place felt—this was the home of people who had been here a long time, and would continue to stay. Everything was clean. There were several pieces of furniture, all of which looked worn but still cared for. The walls were adorned with various paintings, some of them consisting of ordinary items, some of them containing rather inspirational quotes that might have affected me if I wasn't walking around so uncomfortably. The lights weren't too bright, which made me feel slightly better, but I had a feeling that the girl was watching us with caution. We were weird and new, but mostly weird.

The other three—especially Sai—were especially interested in all the things that I didn't care for. Tables, doors, couches, several kitchen supplies—what were they made of? Where did she get them? Why did anyone need a table, anyway? I thought that it would be easy to tell how confused the girl was by her hesitant responses, but she was polite and responded to every question nonetheless. I admired her for it. Finding out that everything that made you comfortable in life was a complete mystery to someone else was surely awkward.

"I don't mean to be rude… but do you have your own place? Where are you from?"

Sai stopped. He didn't blink, didn't move. For a moment, he was passive once again. "Vermilion City. And sure I did," he said finally, "but it was different."

"Oh? How so? I don't know much about the Kanto region," she explained. She sat down at the table and motioned for Sai to join her, but he didn't. I wondered if he missed the gesture entirely or was too fascinated by the table to the point where he was afraid of breaking it.

"I've never been in a kitchen. People brought food to me," he said, smiling again.

"Not much of a cook, huh?" she said, smiling back. I noted that she didn't take Sai so seriously, though I believed actions spoke much louder than words.

"Yeah… I mean, I had walls. And, uh, a bed…"

"I see…" she said, looking at him oddly again. "You sound like my brother. He's not one for conversation, though he knows how to use words pretty effectively when the situation calls for it. Are you the same?"

The conversation went on like this, with her trying to probe for answers, and with him not being specific at all. He had things. Yes, generic things that anyone could have. He really lived in a city… in some region. He had people who lived with him. Who? Just people. You know. No, I don't know. Had he always been around pokémon? Maybe. He didn't like to remember. …I hope you don't mind my pokémon looking around. They're curious. And they're wearing shirts.

Eventually, she gave up, but Sai didn't get the hint that it was time to leave. It was like playing twenty questions, and Sai had just proved that there could actually be a loser to the game without even knowing it.

I tuned them out until Sai said it was time to go. I was thinking that, in a sense, this was like being with Earl in Violet City. Conversations were vague and inconclusive. No one was particular close with anyone, though they sure tried to be. The main difference was that Earl was never so excited to be in such a place, while Sai was ecstatic.

I thought that maybe something good could come from this hectic day. Sai seemed happiest in a comforting place like this. He sure was happier than any other time I'd seen him so far, anyway. Maybe he could stay in Azalea Town. He didn't have to travel or train; he could make new goals. Yes, this morning he had had a rather odd… goal. But it had nothing to do with pokémon, and I could work with that. He didn't even complete his goal, either, but I could work with that, too.

I wasn't accustomed to being a battling pokémon, and neither was Senori. Kuiora may have been another story, but she was young; she could adapt without problem. We could stay, and Sai could become something that wasn't a trainer, something that wouldn't make him miserable.

When Sai said it was time to go, the girl ushered us out the door. I was hardly paying attention to anything being said anymore, but I did hear him address her as Sasha. I mentally said good-bye to her, and hoped that we wouldn't be getting any trouble over visiting if her brother really was the boy who didn't like Sai.

I also noted that she didn't invite us to stay for the night. Wasn't that a normal thing to offer your guests? It was probably for the best if my assumptions about her knowing the hero from the cave. I wasn't human, so I couldn't tell the depth of her wariness toward Sai. I just knew that I probably felt more human than he did that day, and that needed to change.

x

My plan seemed ruined when Sai bought four rooms in the pokémon center that night—one for each of us. The nurse looked at him oddly at first, but then smiled and said it was a considerate thing to do. Pokémon need their alone time, too, after all. My worries ceased when she explained that she would have all of our rooms next to each other, just in case.

After getting room keys, we went around the corner to where all the rooms were located. It was quiet, again, just as it had been during the morning. Sai let the other two pokémon into their rooms, and told them to be good, to not cause trouble. When he went to open my door, though, I stopped him and asked f I could talk to him for a minute.

"Why?" Sai asked, tilting his head to the side slightly.

"I, you know, wanted to talk about today," I said, trying to sound confident. I was rushing into unknown territory here, I knew. But it seemed like as good a time as any, if Senori and Kuiora's strange descriptions of Sai were anything to go off of.

"Oh…?" he said as he entered his own room. His backpack and other belongings were still there. I had forgotten that he already had a room. He also already had rented it for two nights, maybe more. Why buy separate rooms now, then? I wondered. My confidence lessened; the lack of concrete answers made me nervous.

"Yeah. I was, um, curious as to how long we're going to be traveling for?" I asked.

"Not long… but long enough to be able to get all the badges in Johto!" Sai said quickly. He handed me my key—was he expecting all of us to know what to do with a key? I could do it, sure, but maybe not the others…

…Not only was I trying to deter Sai, I was trying to deter myself from the situation at hand. Focus.

"And how many do you have now? Just the one?" I asked.

"Yep," he replied. I had been hoping for a different answer, but okay. I could deal with that.

"Well, I thought that we could… Well, you seemed happier in Azalea Town today." I stepped a little further inside the room as I noticed that I was still by the doorway. I had to appear friendly, not scared.

"I guess… Visiting the girl was fun, but she also pointed out my enthusiasm," Sai said, bending down to take off his shoes. Halfway through untying them, he stood up.

"That's a bad thing?" I asked, watching him. He started rearranging things in the room—he opened the windows, put the plants in different corners, ruffled and then fixed the bed sheets. It took a long time for him to answer.

"Most of the time..." he finally said, slowly. Once again, he seemed passive, and I wasn't sure why.

"I think it's a good thing," I pointed out, trying to cheer him up.

But it backfired.

"And what do you know?" he snapped, turning sharply to look at me. His eyes were still glazed over, I noticed. It was hard not to notice. I stumbled backward a bit despite myself, as if he had physically hit me.

"Being happy is a g-good thing, Sai… Y-You seemed happy here, you know? Talking to everyone and everything," I said. I didn't believe my own words. "M-Maybe we could stay here for a while. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it could be longer than a few days…"

He simply kept walking around, slower this time, still cleaning things, still attempting to fix things that weren't broken in the first place. I just stared and wondered if I had said too much and stayed too long.

Eventually, he mumbled, "Get out."

"Huh?" I wanted to make sure I had heard him right. If I couldn't succeed now, who knew when I'd try again…?

"I told you to get out," Sai said, louder and more stern this time. He made his way over the table in the corner of the room.

"I got you guys your own rooms for a reason—"

—he moved the lamp on the table from one side to another—

"—so get out—"

—and it apparently wasn't good enough, it wasn't perfect, so he tried again—

"—go to your own room—"

—but it was no good, so he ripped the cord out of the wall—

"—just get _out_!"

—because it's always the little things that get to us.

He finally stopped screaming and fumbling with the lamp.

Instead, he growled and threw the lamp at me.

I ducked and let the lamp crash into the closed door behind me. I could hear it shatter. A million pieces all around me. The result of a troubled teenage boy that no one could bother to understand.

I had no choice but to do what he wanted and retreat to my own room. I said nothing more. Opened the door, went into the hallway. Closed the door… and simply sat down. I was holding on to my key so tightly that it dug into my skin and made me bleed a little.

I thought it was over, but the chaos didn't end there. I could hear him screaming again, unintelligibly this time. Things were still being moved around rather violently, I could tell—I just didn't know what or how, and I didn't want to find out.

Suddenly, I jumped a little as I heard someone else yelling. I calmed down a bit as I realized it was Senori. The poor pokémon was too short and probably couldn't open the door. I stood up slowly and wobbled over to his room's door, telling him that Sai was just angry… as usual.

"Is he okay?" he asked after we heard yet another crash.

"Yes… No one's hurting him. He's just… mad," I explained as calmly as I could. It wasn't hard, since I was too paralyzed to care much, like Senori had been earlier. Luckily, the sentret seemed to understand, and left it at that.

Kuiora, however, was another story. Her door opened and she looked at me with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. She had taken the time to drag a chair to the door so that she could open the door. Now, she was looking down at me.

"He's just angry. We shouldn't, uh, interfere…" I said before she could question anything, noting the obvious hypocrisy in my words.

"I thought you two were fighting," she pointed out.

"We kind of were…" I said sheepishly.

"Physical fighting? Pokémon battle fighting?"

"Well, no, but—"

"I'm going to become stronger than you someday, you know."

"Eh?" I asked. Just what I needed—more cryptic answers… I half-heartedly listened as I checked over the rest of my body to make sure I wasn't hurt.

"Yeah. You got to fight the first gym battle all by yourself and you apparently got some attention tonight. But I'm going to get stronger than you. It'll be a competition of sorts," she said.

Well, I wasn't hurt physically, but mentally… "I-I don't want competition—" I started, but she cut me off with a water gun to the face. I didn't finish my sentence, and was now spitting water out of my mouth instead of words. It was an accurate comparison, but annoying nonetheless.

"You can't expect to be the strongest and not have competition!" Kuiora cried.

At least it wasn't a lamp, I thought bitterly. At least I wasn't hearing screaming or crashing anymore. But now I was wet and cold and utterly defeated. I was done.

"I don't need this…" I said. I stood up, coughed up the last of the water that had been shot into my mouth, and I finally let myself into my own room. "I'm going to bed. You can have him."

"Wait—"

I shut the door.

I heard nothing else for the rest of the night.

x

I slept through most of the night, though I woke up shivering and cold a few times, thanks to Kuiora. For some reason, she had a grudge against me, and was going to do anything in her power to win. Cooperation for anyone's sake was not an option for her.

And Sai… I didn't know about Sai. All I had done was ask a couple questions, and then violence ensued. Yes, he had given us warning beforehand, but still… He seemed happy, and then it all changed in a few mere moments.

When I awoke, I tried to think about Violet City. I thought about Shannon. How was she doing? Her intentions were always pure. Was it getting her into any trouble? What about Jason? Battles could be so exhausting, I knew. I had been gone for what seemed like forever, now. I didn't know what day of the week it was. Who was struggling today?

Eventually, I'd have to learn that everyone was always struggling. And I'd have to accept this fact.

I taught myself about some peace of mind and slept through the day.

x

I was woken up at some point by a loud knocking on the door. Judging by the faint light coming in through the windows, I assumed it was dawn or dusk. It was perfectly good timing or perfectly bad timing.

I got up lazily, rubbing my eyes with my hands, careful not to scratch myself with my spikes. Though I had to stretch a bit to reach, I was able to open the door.

It was Sai.

"Sai," I breathed tiredly, slowly. He looked tired, too, with the dark circles under his eyes and his sagging limbs. And he still had those glassy, dead eyes…

"Could I stay in your room tonight?" he asked quickly. Well, he sure didn't waste any time getting to the point, but it wasn't at all what I was expecting. And what was I expecting, anyway? An apology? …A hug? It wasn't likely.

"Um…" was all I could say. He looked tired, but apparently, he was still moving quickly, thinking quickly.

"Look, I'm sorry that happened. I-I mean… That's not right. You have to understand. I get these moods sometimes. Everything speeds up for me, I think so much, and I want to do a million things at once and I want to talk to a million people so I forget things, things don't get done, and there's never enough time in the world though it goes by so slowly, and yeah, I seem happy, this is the first time I've ever been able to do things I wanted when like this, and it was fun but it turned wrong, I can always turn angry so fast and… and… I'm not usually violent, but that was a touchy subject. I don't know… Being happy is depressing for me, it's stressful, everything's too fast. I can't think straight right now. I can't… Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I just stared. He was trying his best to relay his complicated feelings to me, but no, I didn't understand. Since when was being happy a bad thing? Did all humans have emotions like this? I thought dumbly. I certainly didn't think so, but what other explanation was there?

"I'm sorry, I am. I, uh, destroyed my room, as you might have guessed…" he said, and then he finally closed his mouth, though it appeared forced.

When I realized he wasn't going to say anymore, I told him he could stay. And it was okay. Things happened, after all. I was really only saying that to avoid more problems, though.

"If you say so," Sai said, though he looked happier again, smiling and making his way into the room, just as he had entered Sasha's place without gaining full permission.

It hit me, then, that it must be nearing nighttime. How could I keep him entertained until he went to sleep? Would he sleep at all? I decided to stay silent.

Eventually, though, he was pacing back and forth, just like he had that first night. And he felt compelled to speak first. He said, "I bought you all separate rooms so you wouldn't have to see me like that. It happened anyway. I don't know what happened, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," I said, climbing into the top bunk. If I couldn't sleep, I would pretend to.

"I thought you'd be mad at me and all. Understandable, you know. I didn't want to go to Kuiora or Senori, though, or they'd question things. They didn't see anything, I'd like to keep it that way…"

"…It's fine," I said yet again, not bothering to mention their encounters with me.

"Yeah, and you didn't come out of your room earlier when I knocked and all," Sai said. He was pacing still, but I supposed it was better than rearranging things all over again.

"I-I was tired."

"Oh. Well, you didn't miss too much. Some poison pokémon threatened to kill me after I tried to pick it up and talk to it. Senori had to try to talk some sense into it or something. I don't remember much else…"

"Sounds like it was another interesting day," I noted. Somehow, I was still surprised.

But he wasn't. He just said, "Something like that," and then we were quiet.


	7. oracle

chapter 7 ; [SENORI]  
>oracle<p>

*

Like everyone else, I wondered what was wrong with Sai. I asked myself that question all the time, but nothing good came of it. He was my clan now, and I had to figure him out. I tried, yet something else crazy always happened the moment I thought I had him figured out.

Why did he buy three phones? Didn't matter—now he was walking into random peoples' houses. Why did he suddenly want to be everyone's friend? Well, then he was causing a ruckus in the pokémon center, I had to focus on that. …Why was I wearing this shirt? That stayed constant, at least, but it got me nowhere.

All I knew was that he was rubbing off on me now that we had been traveling together for a while. It was just like being in my clan again, except it felt like only the two of us, since the boy was overbearing and consuming, unlike Atis and Kuiora. When someone in the clan was upset, so was I, and I tried to fix it. When danger came about, I could have left, but I felt their fear and diminished it as best as I could. Now, when Sai got angry, so did I. He was feeling frantic… and so was I. But I didn't know what to do with this anger or sudden energy, because I couldn't trace it back to any source. There was nothing.

So I went through the motions. Fate would decide for me. I didn't try to stop the fight between Sai and that boy who had saved me. I stayed with Kuiora while Atis spent the day with his new trainer. I had been hoping that Atis, who had had so much more experience with humans, could do a better job at figuring him out.

But the day after, Atis didn't show up at all. Had he given up already? I simply watched Sai get into more trouble. I was frozen, seeing how the anger and energy had no particular outlet. Everything was random… and potentially destructive. How could I get rid of it? I feared that I couldn't.

And the day after that, Atis came to my door, calling my name to try to get my attention. The sound was so quiet and hesitant that I thought I was imagining things—but he tried again soon enough, more urgent this time. I wobbled over to the door, tired from thinking too much though I had just slept. I put my ears to the door and asked what he wanted.

"Sai is gone! I mean, well, yeah, he's gone…" Atis started. "I, uh, went to his room… and he wouldn't answer the door or anything… He's gone."

"Are you sure he's not just sleeping?" I said, rolling my eyes. I wasn't concerned for Sai at all, but rather upset that he was still pulling stunts like this.

"No… Well, yeah. Just trust me!" he said.

"I think we should just go to his room and see," I said, sighing. Atis was being difficult, and I didn't know why.

"That's, um, wasting time. He's not there. Sai… never sleeps," he said, his voice becoming louder the more he spoke.

That made sense, though. At first, Sai seemed to sleep just fine, but then he started sleeping less and less.

"Okay… Do you know where he'd be?" I said, finally giving in.

"No. I was hoping you could sniff him out or something, since you're not eating breakfast this time…"

Atis was just as lost as I was when it came to figuring out Sai, apparently. And he was asking me to help him find the boy again, just like he had asked when Sai supposedly ran off to breakfast. How could we be playing this game of follow the leader when I no longer felt like someone that others could look up to?

"Fine. I can do that," I said. I didn't sound confident, but it was a step in the right direction. "Can you, uh, open my door for me? I'm not as tall as you."

A few moments later, Atis opened the door and looked at me oddly. "It was… unlocked… all night."

"I don't know how to use a key, as Sai called it," I said a bit too quickly. I walked out the door, pushing past him. This was about our trainer, not me, after all.

"You know someone could have walked in here and hurt you or something?" Atis said, closing the door, but not bothering to lock it, either.

"Oh well," I said instantly, and changed the subject. "Should we get Kuiora?"

Sai smelled like metal. The smell of dirt had clung to him a bit over the past few weeks, but it wasn't powerful enough for me to focus on. It was both a good and a bad thing. It was a bad thing because it was a terrible smell and not at all like I was used to. It was, however, easy to find him.

It was early in the morning, though there were a few people out and about. They stared at us, probably wondering if we belonged to a trainer or not. If they asked, how would I answer? I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't think about it since Atis kept asking me how long it would take to find him even though little time had passed, and Kuiora kept telling him to be quiet.

I tracked the boy to the edge of the city before they started getting out of hand. After following the unmistakable metallic smell (and after wondering how I had missed his smell when he first attacked me), I realized that we would be following him down into some kind of cave, but it wasn't the one we traveled through to get here. I made my way to the stairs and peered into the darkness. It was inviting, but I couldn't stand staring at it for very long.

"I guess we're going into another cave…" I said, taking a few steps back. I could only hope that this one wasn't as dangerous as the other. "Maybe you two should stay here. I'll get him real quick and bring him out."

"You obviously need us," Kuiora said. "Who's going to fight the wild pokémon for you?"

"It doesn't matter," I stated, but I didn't say why. If I was being honest, it would be better this time, since no one would be able to save me. Or maybe my newfound energy would provide me with enough power to win. "If it's dangerous like the other cave, then you should stay."

"That gives us more incentive to go in!" Kuiora said, making her way to the stairs as well.

Atis chimed in before I could speak. "Maybe Kuiora's right… She should go with you."

"And why shouldn't you?" I snapped.

"W-Well," Atis stammered, "I do have the most experience out of all of us…"

Kuiora turned around and stomped her feet. "So? I already told you that I'm going to be stronger than you. Didn't you hear me?"

"I'm sure he heard you," I cut in. "Look—"

"Professor Elm told me stories about this kind of thing. Someone always tries to be the hero and that someone gets hurt," Kuiora said. Despite the morbid topic, she was smiling, and she was looking at Atis, not me. "I'm not going to try to be the hero. I really am going to be the hero, and to do that, I have to get stronger."

"Those are just stories, Kuiora…" Atis said, rubbing the back of his head and refusing to look at her.

"He tells them like they're stories, but they're real. If you're lucky, maybe I'll tell them to you someday," she said.

"You guys can follow, then. But don't complain if you get hurt or something," I cut in, turning my attention to the cave. I knew I could possibly regret it later, but I was too angry to care at the moment. I had the energy to stop their fight, but it was negative energy, and I was going to take it out on Sai, just like he was taking it all out on us.

The cave (or as Atis later corrected, the well) wasn't even that big, nor was it dangerous. It was filled with clean ponds and the stone walls didn't look like they'd collapse on us at any moment. The wild pokémon were friendly, saying that the residents from Azalea Town came there all the time to get water and to make deals with the fellow slowpoke that lived deeper into the place. I had to keep Kuiora from attacking them, and Atis seemed beyond relieved. We all had come in prepared to prove ourselves and to fight if needed, but there was no reason to fight. Would this cause our tension to grow?

If I had allowed the argument to escalate outside any further, it may have grown, for we found Sai at the fourth or fifth pond we came across. He was on his knees, crouched over the pond and reaching into it, seemingly searching for something frantically. Nearby was a large mound of pokéballs… all of which I knew were his, considering he had bought so many not too long ago.

"I guess he really did need that many pokéballs. I bet he caught a lot of water pokémon," I said, turning to Kuiora.

"I guess so…" Kuiora said, staring at them with some discontent. "Water pokémon are obviously the best, but…"

"Anyway," I said, focusing on Sai now. Admittedly, I was afraid to approach him. I couldn't help him, so why bother? But I had to eventually, I knew… so I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He snapped his head toward me immediately, surprised.

"Senori!" he said. He almost sounded out of breath. Just what had he be doing down here? He stood up quickly, wiping off the dirt from his clothes. Whatever he was doing, he had been doing it for a while now. "Kuiora and Atis. What are you guys doing here?"

"Atis said you weren't in your room this morning… We were worried," I said, the last three words sticking in my throat.

"Oh," Sai said simply. Then he smiled and picked me up, both of his hands soaking my fur. I tried to get out of his grasp since I was annoyed, but he wasn't hearing any of it. He brought me over to the mound of pokéballs and extended his arms forward, making sure I saw them. "I've been fighting magikarp all night. I caught each one in a pokéball!"

"Oh…?" I said, still trying to get free. We certainly didn't need more teammates at this point, but I didn't dare point it out.

"We have… a lot of new teammates?" Kuiora said, her hands limping at her side. I guessed that she hadn't been wanting more potential competition.

"No, I won't use them. They aren't fit to be on this team!" Sai said confidently. He finally put me down, and I shook my body to rid myself of the water. "I didn't really, uh, think about it. I just wanted to do something and this was what I ended up doing."

"We could, you know, release them…" Atis chimed in, picking up a couple pokéballs hesitantly. He didn't seem to want new teammates, either.

"We could just bring them with us and use them as food when we need to. We'll never run out of food at this rate!" Sai said.

I stared at him, dumbfounded. My instincts told me that it was a good idea. Having food handy was always vital. But these pokémon were probably expecting to be released at any moment to meet their new, friendly trainer and teammates. They were probably expecting to battle and journey with us… not get eaten.

"Sai, that's not fair. You can catch pokémon to eat anywhere," I said, glaring at the boy.

"Well, I'm not releasing them. I worked for them," Sai said, but he wasn't angry. He was smiling.

It wasn't fair. I was only angry because he had been angry, and now he was smiling? I couldn't keep up. This boy was exhausting.

"We'll find something to do with them, something you'll be happy with," I said, trying to word myself carefully. Perhaps fate had a plan for all these poor magikarp, and in that case it wasn't my place to intervene. But I knew Sai was meant for me, otherwise he wouldn't have shown up when he did or forced me to come along as my punishment.

"Sounds good to me."

We were all quiet for a moment. Kuiora was still staring at Sai, confused and frozen. Atis was looking at the pokéballs like he wanted to be in one at the bottom of the pile.

I finally spoke up. "Now what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Sai said. "Could go shopping again, could go deeper into the well and stay there for a while…"

Neither of those sounded like good options. I wasn't a human but I knew that money was important. Staying in this well would drive Kuiora crazy, which would, in turn, drive the rest of us crazy. We were all feeling tension that needed to go away, but that was the easier task. Sai needed stability. I had to keep him on track, somehow, both physically and mentally… for everyone's sake, not just his.

"Why don't we go battle the gym leader?" I suggested. It was the only feasible option that I could think of. The idea of a journey and gathering gym badges was the only thing that had kept Sai sane so far, after all.

Sai opened his mouth like he was about to speak, and then he appeared lost in thought. Eventually, he agreed that it was the best idea, and that he was sorry that he hadn't gotten around to it earlier. Yes, he had gotten off track, and time was running out now. At least he knew it.

"Okay, let's get out of here. Senori's right. Gym battle," Sai said, starting to gather all of the pokéballs that he had spent so much time trying to fill.

We all left the well, trying to carry as many pokéballs as possible. None of us planned on returning, and we ended up leaving a few magikarp behind, but I couldn't bring myself to worry about them. They were not meant to be with us, and that was for the best.

"Someday, we'll actually make an appointment for these gym battles," Sai declared on the way to the gym. He must have been somewhat aware of the gym this entire time, because he actually knew where it was, and led us there without problems.

"Why do you need an appointment?" I asked. I would make an attempt to remember this for the future. The more information I could get that would help me keep Sai stable, the better.

"Because Falkner was mad last when I came in after he already had so many challengers."

"I see," I said, staying close behind him. He was walking quickly, almost running, and I was glad to be burning off some energy. Atis was much further behind, and when I looked at him, he was frowning and looked like he wanted to say something, but never did. Perhaps he was afraid to be used in another gym battle. Kuiora, by contrast, was making an effort to keep up with Sai, also frowning whenever she started tripping over her own feet since she was trying to move so fast.

Azalea Town's gym, unlike the last one, was completely filled. Trees everywhere, small ponds and bugs everywhere, the quiet sound of nature. I wondered if it was a building at all. In fact, I felt like I was home, and it brought about an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I considered tugging on Sai's pants and asking him if maybe we could come back later, but I decided against it. What was the point of prolonging the inevitable? I stayed behind my trainer, though I let Kuiora take my place in front.

"I just keep learning more and more about buildings, don't I? This one's interesting," Sai muttered, moving forward through the gym, faster and more confidently than when he had traveled through the other forest—my forest. This wasn't a forest… but I could see that Sai was learning and becoming accustomed to more and more things. It made me less angry, and I figured that I could deal with being in this kind of setting once more for him.

"Gym leader!" Kuiora suddenly cried, breaking my train of thought and the quietness that was previously present. I wondered how it felt for her to be in a forest-like place though she grew up in a town. The gym didn't look that big from the outside, but to her, it must have seemed large enough to warrant such a loud cry. It only went to show just how vast nature could seem—it was endless and it was everywhere. It was beautiful. Yes, I could stand being here.

I didn't even change my opinion when Sai found the gym leader and sent me out to battle. Before, I would have protested against battling here due to being so angry and being reminded of home. But I could at least try here. This forest's clan leader—a young boy who wore a sort of green ranger outfit—also made the place appealing. My clan was facing off against his, and who would win? I wanted to win.

"Why does Senori get to battle?" Kuiora said, jumping up and down and looking frantically at Sai.

"Does it matter?" Sai asked, peering down curiously.

"Yes! I've been training for this!"

"He hasn't seen you train," I pointed out. "I was with you the entire time and even I didn't see you train."

"You were in a pokéball!"

"My point still stands. No one's seen you do much," I said, smirking, and I turned toward my opponent. We were in a clearing, which so far was the only part of the gym that wasn't crowded and full of trees. This area must have been set aside for pokémon battling, with the rest of the place being a home to these clan members. I was going to face one of them. There was a small green bug that was about half my size. Its red antennae were twitching randomly, and I wondered what it was thinking about me. The clan leader was smirking for some reason. Were they communicating somehow? It took a special bond to be able to communicate with silence… a bond that Sai and I didn't have.

"You can battle if Senori gets knocked out," Sai said after a few moments. "So, uh, we can get started, right? I want to get this over with and go get the next badge."

"Yes," the clan leader said, his voice eager and rather high in pitch. "The challenger is allowed to attack first."

"I remember now!" Sai said. "Well, Senori, start out with a… tackle, right?"

So he had remembered some things from when we were fighting wild pokémon, too. Saying a single word instead of giving a full description of the attack surely helped things. I crouched down on all fours and then sprang forward, focusing on the power of the attack rather than the speed, since I didn't think the little bug was moving anywhere.

Apparently, the clan leader knew this, too. "Caterpie, tackle it back!" he cried.

But I had had much more time to prepare myself and I was already close to it when the attack was called. We collided, and the little bug was sent flying back toward his clan leader's feet. I had fallen forward, and struggled a bit to keep my balance. My head stung a little, but otherwise I was fine. The caterpie's tackle was only successful in making me cautious about attacking it, knowing that I would get hurt as well. The little bug was still suffering the most, and it tried to keep himself upright.

"All right!" Sai cheered. "Now, uh, tail whip!"

I vaguely wondered how Sai could have remained so quiet during Atis's battle at the last gym, when now he was anxious to call out attacks and cheer for our victory. Still, his excitement was contagious, and I was even more determined to win.

I got down on all fours once more and sprang forward, looking straight into the caterpie's large black eyes. He wouldn't look at me, because it knew that it was done. My tail alone was bigger than the caterpie itself, and it was, in my opinion, the strongest part of my body. How could a clan leader have sent out such a defenseless member out to fight? But I couldn't worry about that. I didn't bother with the fact that it was still trying to stay upright, and when I was close enough to it, I swung my body around and slammed my tail into its side. I landed on my feet and was able to watch long enough to see the little bug slam into a nearby tree with a wail.

"You're doing good, Senori! One more tackle and it's done for!"

I looked at the clan leader, who was still smirking for whatever reason, which worried me. But I had to listen to Sai, and I did just that. For what I thought would be the last time, I pounced at the caterpie's defenseless body once more.

"Caterpie, use string shot," I heard the clan leader say calmly.

Since there were plenty of caterpie back at my forest, I knew what the attack could do. I knew that it would be very, very problematic and dangerous if I let it succeed. But I was already going too fast to stop myself, and when my body slammed into the caterpie's once more, it used the last of its energy to shoot its attack. Out of its mouth came a long, sticky, white string that easily wrapped around my body since I was so close by. I wouldn't have been so worried if the string also didn't restrict the movement of my tail. I tried to break free by putting as much pressure on the string with my body (specifically my tail) as possible, but that only helped me make the string tighten with each passing moment. And when I tried to walk away, I simply fell, since my tail was my main source of balance.

My tail was restricted, and therefore so was the rest of me.

I turned to the caterpie and scowled only to see it close its eyes and give no response. It reminded me that there was still another pokémon left to fight, and I thought that maybe Kuiora would get to fight after all.

"Caterpie, return. You finally got some experience and that was great," the clan leader said, preparing a pokéball. My enemy was enveloped by a red light and was gone. I wasn't sure who had won, and my confidence wavered. I stood in place, and just waited as the boy took out another pokéball and sent out his next pokémon.

I was expecting another tiny little bug. What I got was a big bug with long, sharp scythes. And a menacing look that sure put Sai's angry face to shame. It was at least three times my size, and I was used to fighting enemies that were short and tiny. I was tied up and hardly able to move, too—even better.

The green creature let out a noise that resembled something like a battle cry. I might have whimpered.

"Senori, you can still use tackle, right?" Sai cried frantically. He knew how awful the situation was as well. That was a good sign, though I didn't think he knew what to do about it.

"Yes," I said as loud as I could. I could still tackle, yes, but I couldn't run. I'd get close to the enemy and be stuck there. And I couldn't prepare myself as well when my body was restricted by the sticky string. Could Sai understand that? I just knew that if he called the command, I would listen if that was what he thought was best.

"Scyther, use quick attack!" the clan leader ordered.

The scyther didn't hesitate in its pursuit. The wings on its back fluttered wildly and soon it was in the air, heading my way. I could see it smirking, and though I knew that I had little hope, I tried to move out of the way. I was about to trip over my own feet when the creature's head slammed into my belly, and I was sent flying into the same tree that the caterpie had hit. I scowled, making an attempt to not make any painful noises that would prove to the scyther that it was going to win.

"Even if I lose," I started, then took a moment to catch my breath, "another clan member of mine will take over."

"What are you talking about?" the scyther asked, its smirk disappearing only for a moment. "No matter. I'll end you."

"You do that," I said, making an honest effort to smile.

"I will. I'm just waiting for the command," it replied, turning its head to motion the boy to speak.

"Fury cutter," the boy said confidently.

The scyther nodded and turned to me once more. He wasn't moving as fast this time; he was probably trying to make this as miserable for me as possible. I had to admit that this was a rather admirable clan member that the boy had here. He looked strong, and he could probably ward off any potential predators by simply standing around. I closed my eyes and braced myself, knowing this would probably hurt. Those scythes seemed too sharp to only cause some mere scratches, and I knew it. I told myself it wouldn't be so bad—it was my punishment for not being a strong enough clan leader, anyway.

I heard the scyther's wings fluttering again. Over and over. It became louder with every passing moment, and I knew bracing myself was worthless since I would knw when the attack was coming now. A light breeze brushed against my cheek before I felt intense pain, before I felt some of my skin being dug in to. I screamed and screamed again when the other side of my body experienced the same blow.

And then it was over. The scyther hadn't cut into me as much or as deep as he could have, but the pain lingered. I winced. Something warm was dripping down my sides, now—probably blood, since it couldn't be tears. I wouldn't dare cry. My theory was confirmed when I opened my eyes and saw blood dripping from the creature's scythes through teary eyes, staining the forest floor. I feared for Kuiora—she would be next, and would possibly go through the same pain. And she was so young, too…

"Let the little thing stand up," the clan leader said suddenly.

My eyes snapped open fully, looking around frantically for what could possibly be a trick. But the scyther was simply waiting in front of me, and the clan leader was standing on his side of the arena, his arms crossed. I also noticed that the scyther had cut the sticky string that was restricting my body. I was free.

"You heard him. Stand up," the scyther said, its smirk gone and its scythes at his side. He showed no sign of wanting to defend itself. It was obvious that the scyther didn't have to defend itself, but I could do anything I wanted to right now.

"Why should I? You said you'd end me, or something along those lines," I said in between breaths.

"Stand up. I'll let you get on free hit on me. You can do whatever you want… and then you're done."

So the scyther had cut the string on purpose. But if I was being honest, I didn't want to move. My sides hurt and I didn't want to see just how much blood would be shaming me, taunting me. But this… There was still a chance to win? I could somehow, possibly, maybe gather enough energy and concentrate on one attack. I was free from the string now, so that made things a lot easier. But I hadn't hurt the scyther at all, so the chances of me winning was really low. Still, it was a chance. Wasn't I trying to force myself to take chances lately?

But I wouldn't even get the chance. Sai intervened before I could even begin trying to get on my feet. He charged into the battle arena, frowning and clenching his fists. He picked me up, and I winced again as he wasn't trying to be careful about it.

"You know that walking onto the arena and interrupting the battle disqualifies you, right?" the clan leader asked. I couldn't see his face, but he sounded confused and somewhat disappointed.

"No, I didn't know," Sai said. "But I don't care. I don't want to fight you if you're going to go easy on me and treat my pokémon like they're jokes."

I flailed in his arms, ignoring the pain. I had suggested to come here, and we both knew that time was running out… I felt like so much had to be done in so little time, and I didn't know why. But if it matters to Sai, it mattered to me.

"Sai, it's fine," I said. "You can still use Kuiora, and—"

"No, it's not fine!" he cried, cutting me off abruptly. "Bugsy here used a weak pokémon on purpose. Now he's obviously using a strong pokémon, but won't use its strength because he feels sorry for you."

Now I could hear the clan leader—Bugsy—was walking onto the arena, saying, "I didn't do that to go easy on you."

"Why did you do it then?" Sai said, holding me tighter, which only caused me more pain. I didn't say anything else.

"Most trainers think that only strong pokémon are good for battling. But not's not true," Bugsy said, shaking his head. "Even weak pokémon are useful, and even strong pokémon have a chance of losing."

"I don't see why this matters. I came here for a gym badge."

"Gym battles aren't just about winning and losing! I wanted to teach you, a new trainer, about this as early in your journey as possible. It'll be important—"

"Stop," Sai said, taking a few steps back. "I'm really tired of people telling me what's right and what's wrong. Part of the reason I agreed to go on this journey was so that I could figure it out myself."

"I understand… but we learn from others, you know."

"That should be a choice. You shouldn't be forcing it on me in the gym battle that I have to go through to complete my journey."

"You're right, I can't influence your decision completely. But I did it so you could at least think about it," Bugsy said, digging into his pocket. "I admire you, however, for standing up for yourself and your pokémon."

"I don't want your badge, so you better not be getting one out of your pocket," Sai said defensively. He started to turn and go to where Kuiora and Atis were standing. They looked at each other and shrugged. Kuiora must have been happy since this would mean she could get a second chance, but I didn't know about Atis. He was probably fine with whatever happened.

"I would give it to you if you would take it," I heard Bugsy say, but his voice was becoming more and more distant.

"I don't want it..." Sai muttered.

"Sai! This means we'll be coming back soon, right?" Kuiora said, jumping up and down again. "Real soon, right? Because we're running out of time and whatever."

"This certainly wastes more time. We'll just have to make sure I don't stay in a town this long anymore, okay? If that's even possible…" Then he looked down at me, and I winced again. Looking at the scyther's eyes was terrible, but Sai's eyes were still just as scary. "I'm sorry you had to fight and get hurt for nothing, Senori. Bugsy wasn't trying at all and it was unfair."

"It's okay," I said weakly, though I didn't really think it was okay. I hadn't seen it at the time, but the clan leader really wasn't trying. A real clan leader should be putting his own pokémon above everyone else, no matter what. He shouldn't have been worrying about us. And the fact that I had fallen into that trap made me feel like a terrible leader myself, all over again. I was angry and frozen—again.

I didn't say anything more. He took us to the pokémon center. We were right back where we started, I thought. It was a fresh start, kind of.

The nurses took me to the back room and removed the rest of the sticky string. They stopped the bleeding and patched me up as well. I was hardly paying attention as they tried to say reassuring things and treat me like a baby. I just thought about how could I help Sai now? He was unpredictable, and his varying moods kept me from thinking straight. He couldn't think straight, either, which didn't help. If I hadn't become angry and frozen, I would have told him to march right back in that gym and just use Kuiora for the rest of the battle. He could demand a fair battle if he wanted, but he couldn't leave. But I had let him leave, and who knows what we would be doing next?

I wondered if I could try to become immune to Sai's emotions. I would always put him above myself, sure. I just couldn't get angry when he was angry, or excited when he was. His emotions couldn't effect me or cloud my judgment, no matter what.

It would be difficult, I knew. But I could at least try.


	8. belong

chapter 8 ; [KUIORA]  
>belong<p>

I had learned some things while traveling with Sai thus far. First and foremost, I had learned that every person and pokémon should have their own name for the sake of clarity. I had learned that not everyone knows about the legendary pokémon and how special they are. I had learned that every building looks almost the same, with some exceptions. I could live with those exceptions. But I could not live with the exception for the most important thing I had learned: I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from everyone else that no one could realize my superiority.

I hated admitting it, but Senori was right. Sai didn't know how hard I had trained, and therefore he didn't use me in the battle like I wanted him to. I had foolishly expected him to just… know what I had done. Panic coursed through me as I saw him send Senori out to the battle field. I jumped and jumped, tried to get his attention, but it didn't work. Asking directly didn't work, either. Anyone can expect things to happen, jump up and down, or ask for things. But not everyone can work as hard as me to get what they want. So, naturally, I was beyond confused and had way too many questions.

The only conclusion I could come to was that there were exceptions. Senori hadn't done anything at all to get the special attention he got at the gym. He was chosen by Sai without a second thought, and the boy stood up for him despite how he needed that badge so badly and as quickly as possible. Yes, the sentret's battle was rather humiliating, but being chosen by our trainer was still an accomplishment. Why was Senori an exception? Why was he Sai's first pokémon? What about Atis, who wasn't rewarded for the hard work he did at Violet City? How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?

…What about me?

When we started walking out of the forest-like gym, I immediately started thinking of ways to get Sai's attention next time. I accidentally kicked a few bugs on the way out, but thought nothing of them. They were below me, and Bugsy's caterpie certainly wouldn't be causing me as many problems when we returned. We would be back, after all.

I thought that, perhaps, I would have to train in odd areas, like his room in the pokémon center. Destroying his room would force him to look at me, because who wants to pay money for a damaged room when it could be avoided? That was hard when we had separate rooms. Or I would have to force myself to evolve soon so that I could be bigger and even more intimidating than my unpredictable trainer. But I wasn't close to evolving; my body wasn't feeling any changes, nor did I feel ready emotionally. My more desperate plans consisted of asking Senori or Atis for help. They could ask him to pay attention to me, and Sai would listen without a doubt. But that would be a last resort, I decided.

I paced back and forth in the hallway where all of our rooms were. Atis did the same, but he muttered about Senori a few times. The snarky pokémon wasn't on my mind. In my mind I was running from New Bark Town to Azalea Town once more, except this time I imagined myself more successful and stronger. I paced back and forth, but in reality I knew that I was going nowhere. I had to do something—and fast.

I turned to Atis. "Would you have wanted to battle against the scyther and caterpie?" I asked.

The hitmontop halted, seemingly embarrassed at being noticed and confronted so suddenly. "N-No," he stammered, "not really. The scyther looked scary."

"It did, huh? And Senori certainly won't want to fight again."

"I would agree with that…"

"So I'll be fighting next."

"Yes…" Atis said, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to the room to his door, probably wishing that it wasn't locked and that Sai had given us the keys.

"That's not really fair," I pointed out. "That means Sai will just choose me because I'm last choice."

"You're a baby. It's not an insult, he's just protecting you…"

"I'm a baby, but I'm going to be better than you soon enough. Amazing, right?" I said, glaring at the pokémon. For a fighting-type, he sure chose odd battles to fight. "Do you think Sai will be taking long?"

Atis ignored my first comment and said, "It will probably be a few hours, yeah. Healing pokémon takes a while."

"I'm going to the gym. I'm going to get that badge by myself, then."

"W-What?" Atis said, turning to me swiftly and nearly falling over. "Why don't you just wait for Sai?"

"If I can get Bugsy's badge all by myself, then I'll be first choice next time. I'll be doing him a favor, anyway. He's busy and in a hurry to get things done, which is a terrible combination."

Atis looked down, shifted uncomfortably. "I guess… I still don't think you should go by yourself."

"Fine," I said, thinking that I would need to learn from my mistakes and make sure there was a witness to my power, anyway. "I'm taking you with me."

Physically, the city hadn't changed much. It was still light, and it was full of buildings and trees and people walking around, all of which, unlike me, were going nowhere. The gym hadn't changed much either. The bug pokémon still sat on sturdy branches and watched potential challengers walking through the door with disinterest. Things were still quiet aside from the occasional yell of a trainer that the bugs were so accustomed to that they didn't flinch or even look in the general direction of the noise.

The feelings that stirred inside me, however, were much different. Last time, I stayed relaxed yet excited for what was (supposed) to come. This time, I knew that I was going into the unknown, so I was tense yet determined. There was nothing to be done—I had set my eyes on my, and nothing could stop me.

Nothing except Bugsy, that is.

"That's the gym leader right there," Atis said. He stopped walking and lifted his hand feebly, pointing out the small boy with purple hair and ranger clothes fit for the pretender that he was in this fake forest.

"I know that," I said. Perhaps I spoke a bit too loudly, as the boy's head snapped in our direction and his eyes widened in surprise. "And he knows who we are, too."

"Where is your trainer?" Bugsy called out, standing up. His hands were curled around the handle of a watering can, and on the ground near him lay a bowl of what appeared to be berries. It would have been a decent sight had he been taking care of an actual part of nature rather than this fake place he had created.

"He's at the pokémon center, healing the sentret," I said, standing up as tall as I could.

"I see… Is he coming back for a gym battle later, then?"

"No," I said sharply, offended. "I came to get the badge right here and now. I don't need to wait for him."

"Ah, yes. I remember you wanting to battle. Very eager, aren't you? But you're just like your trainer," Bugsy said, kneeling back down and starting to water plants once more.

"My trainer is an idiot."

Bugsy chuckled lightly. "Well, you should know that strong pokémon are not always the only kind of pokémon as well. If you want my badge, then you have to evolve one of my pokémon here. It doesn't matter which, or how you do it—just be civil, of course."

"Of course," I said, rolling my eyes. I considered just leaving. I had come here to battle, and now I wouldn't even get the chance. This was a job for the shy little Atis who didn't want anyone near him. I looked at him curiously.

"We'll do it," Atis said, with no hesitation.

I glared at Bugsy.

The forest was vast, but so was the amount of pokémon in it. Evolving a pokémon, I thought, would be easy. Professor Elm, when confronted by several of our evolution questions, said that while we could grow and evolve fast, bug-types were the quickest. I had been training and traveling with Sai for weeks now, however, and still felt little change. I was stronger, yes, but I didn't feel stronger. My body was growing, yes, but my mind was in the same place.

"Let's see what I can do," I mumbled. Since Bugsy was no longer available to glare at, I stared at Atis instead, hoping to shock him into thinking that this was hopeless after all, that Sai would just have to get the badge on his own time, like a normal trainer.

"R-Right," he said, fidgeting and turning every which way that didn't involve him having to see me.

We came across, of course, a ton of bug pokémon. They all seemed hesitant to come near us, but still intrigued at the same time as they stuck their heads out from behind bushes and as they stared down at us from the branches.

"We just have to pick one," I said impatiently, stopping. I turned to my left. Standing in front of the bushes was a small and yellow pokémon with no limbs that I could see. It had black beady eyes, and it spoke its name over and over with a deep voice.

"This one? A Kakuna?" Atis asked, stopping as well.

"Yes." I didn't mention that I didn't know it was a Kakuna up until now.

"Why?"

"You'd ask that about any pokémon, so I don't feel too inclined to answer."

Atis was silent.

I walked up to the pokémon and very briefly explained our mission. The Kakuna kept mumbling its name, completely apathetic.

"We're pokémon, too, you know. You don't have to say your name as if you were talking to a human… Not that you should have to say your own name when talking at all…" Atis said. He started to back up, probably thinking this was a bad idea. I was at least inclined to agree with him there.

"Uh, maybe we should find a different pokémon," Atis suggested.

"No," I said quickly. "If this thing is dumb enough to talk like that, then it has an awful lot to learn. Learning means growing and growing leads to evolution, right?"

"I guess…"

"Okay. Go ahead and teach it to talk. You're a school thing."

"Um…" Atis said, treading lightly as he moved toward the still Kakuna and its robotic voice. "Well, like I said, humans will hear your name, but you can say whatever you want, okay? Please talk to us."

"Kakuna, Kakuna," it said. Did it even have a mouth?

Atis looked back and forth between me and the Kakuna, as if the little yellow creature was tricking him and going to attack at any moment. "I think evolution refers to fighting experience mostly…" he said.

"That's the only effort you're going to give?" I cried, covering my face, wondering why I was bothering to hide my extreme disappointment.

Atis, the smart and strong one, said, "I know about pokémon, not speech."

"Kakuna is a pokémon!"

He had nothing to say to that. I clenched my fist, bit down hard, wondering if I could chew him to pieces once we were outside and somewhere private. But then I got another idea. With my fist still balled up, I ran over to the Kakuna as fast as I could, drew my arm back, and punched it as powerfully as I could in an attempt to get some kind of reaction. I got a reaction, yeah—from myself. Excruciating pain shot through my stubby arm and then throughout my entire body. My hand throbbed. I winced, but tried not to whine. Don't whine, don't show weakness, even if the Kakuna is hard as rock.

"That was a bad idea," Atis pointed out dumbly.

"You're a bad idea," I said, rather childishly, I would admit. My voice broke and he probably noticed. "I have another idea. I think"—I tried to regain my composure here—"that we should fight instead. Seeing things is still gaining experience."

"I-I don't think that's a good idea…" Atis started, turning to leave immediately. "I think we should just go get Sai and let him take care of it…"

"If you won't fight me, I'll find someone who will!" I said, drawing back the same arm I used on the Kakuna and running toward Atis this time. I supposed that I should have made sure the Kakuna was watching first, but my rage toward Atis wasn't really letting me think straight at the time. Since Atis was turned, I ended up punching him in the middle of his round back, sending him sprawling forward and into the dirt of the forest floor. His wails muffled as he landed, and he didn't get back up for a while. I wondered if I had already won and proven that I was the strongest.

After a few moments, I peered over at the Kakuna. It had at least stopped murmuring its own name. I vaguely wondered if, like Sai and Senori and everyone else, the Kakuna had a special name aside from its species name. I didn't get to think about it much, however, as I saw Atis stir in the corner of my eye. Looking at the Kakuna again, I prepared a water gun attack. The liquid filled my mouth and was bursting to get out, it didn't matter where. Since I was convinced that the little thing was watching, I sprayed it toward Atis, just as I had done in the hotel on a day that seemed like forever ago. I didn't hear any wailing this time, but I could tell he was hurt, since his body was splayed out on the ground once more, unmoving.

I walked up to him, sure that the Kakuna was still observing my obvious prowess. When I was close to his body, I lifted my foot and shook his hands, his legs, anything to get him up. While I wanted to be stronger, it would be bad if he lost here and I wasn't able to evolve the Kakuna. Yes, I had brought him here for something, after all.

"Don't be useless now," I murmured, still kicking him.

Suddenly, a green aura appeared that stung my foot a bit. Naturally, I moved back, afraid of the new… attack? I couldn't tell what this thing was. The circular barrier surrounded all of Atis's body, and continued to do so as he stood up slowly, not facing me.

"I'm not useless, you know," he said—calmly, I noticed. "I know Sai better than you do. I helped children… even if I didn't want to…"

I didn't say anything.

He still didn't turn to face me. He was trying to stand up for himself and was still being shy when doing so, of course. Instead, however, he lifted his leg, and I knew an attack was coming, so I braced myself, tried to move back even further so maybe he'd miss.

But I didn't do it fast enough.

The first thing I felt was his spikes digging into me despite my tough skin. Pain immediately coursed through my entire body, and I could see blood splattering from the corner of my eye. I flew backward, seeing Atis get smaller and smaller, further and further. He was also blurry… due to the tears in my eyes. I had no idea what my destination was until, of course, my body smashed right into the poor Kakuna who had simply been staring and standing still, innocently, the entire time. With the force of impact, the two of us also flew back into a nearby tree with a loud thud.

My head spun, my side hurt, I was crying, even my blood deserted me, the weak Atis was staring in horror, and I was laying on top of a glowing and mute Kakuna. I vaguely sighed in relief, thinking that Atis had found a way to make it fight. But this wasn't a fighting glow. Didn't Kakuna only know one attack, and that was to make itself harder so that poor opponents like me could break their hand with a single punch?

The Kakuna kept glowing, blinding me along with the tears. I could at least make out its figure, which was growing larger by the second. I was distracted as I heard Atis running over, crying out to me.

"You need to move! I'm sorry!" he cried. Screaming as he grabbed me on both of my sides, we made it back over into the clearing, away from the evolving Kakuna.

Evolving.

We could get the badge, now, at least.

I supposed that Kakuna needing a small amount of experience was an understatement, and it made me chuckle slightly, though I vowed not to do that for a while as my body stung in response. I turned my head as quickly as I could while still being careful in time to see the glowing fade away and reveal a new pokémon, one with stingers, a pair of antennas, and black and yellow stripes—definitely something to be feared should anyone else come across the pokemon now. Evolution, I thought, was surely an amazing thing.

Meanwhile, Atis was still muttering, "I'm sorry," so I told him to shut up and not ruin the moment. He listened, but Bugsy decided to ruin the moment instead. If he made it better, I sure didn't feel any better yet. No battle, I was hurt anyway, and Atis had made the Kakuna evolve, not me.

"You managed to evolve Kakuna into a Beedrill after all… and it looks like you got some battle experience yourself," Bugsy said, smirking. Did he enjoy me bleeding on his forest floor? I wondered if he had been watching the entire time, the little brat. "As promised, you may have the Hive Badge."

Atis took the badge in his hand after Bugsy took it out of his pocket. I simply looked at it, but didn't touch it. I couldn't get blood on it and then give it to Sai, though it may have proved I had worked for it… Nevertheless, the tiniest thing in the world, this little red badge with a black strip at the top and three black dots below it, made me smile a bit.

"Beedrill!" Bugsy yelled, also smiling. "Come over here and say something now."

The Beedrill hovered over, and I found it amusing that this was the first time I had really seen the pokemon move. Was evolution really so easy, so simple? And could the Beedrill talk now, when it couldn't before? I quickly received my answer.

"I was shy… so I kept saying my name to avoid fighting or making conversation… but I assure you, the entire time, I wanted to say thank you for choosing me."

My head still hurt.

Every time Atis tried to talk after that—usually trying to say sorry or tend to my wounds—I simply said, "You're weak, and I don't want to hear it."

When we were walking back with the badge, aside from dealing with Atis's annoying self, all I could do was stare at it and think of what the Kakuna—now Beedrill—had said. Now, it would be my turn to get chosen. I would make sure of it. Fighting Atis had given me an idea. We remained silent the entire way back, since I knew that if I brought it up, he would be upset and flustered once more. Nevertheless, I would do what I had to. _If you won't fight me, I'll find someone who will._

It really was that simple. Even though it was getting dark outside now, plenty of people were out and about, and they were all staring at me, some of them covering their mouth with their hands in surprise. But they didn't do anything to help me. We made our way to the pokémon center, found Sai in the lobby, no one bothering to say anything, not even the nurse inside. Sai was even stunned into silence at first. All is always quiet when a known victory is made.

He ran to me with Senori in his arms and dropped to his knees.

"What happened to you?" he asked, his free hand moving toward my bleeding side, grazing it with care. I could tell he wanted to do something to help me, but I wouldn't let him.

Instead, I said, "Fight me."

"What?" Sai said, pulling his hand back.

I took the badge from Atis's hand and presented it to him. "I won this for you. Fight me if you want it," I said—slowly, seriously. He had to understand…

"You won this? For me?" he replied, ignoring me as he stared at the badge dumbly.

"I did. So fight me."

"You're my pokémon, Kuiora. I can't fight you."

"You fought Senori," I said, making the disgust clear in my voice, not because it was immoral, but because he was denying me a chance now. I remembered Senori telling me about this, and knew, at that moment, I'd get Sai to fight me someday soon so that he'd accept me, too.

"I had no pokémon to help me catch Senori."

"Senori was weak and I'm not. Fight me."

"I won't," Sai said, taking the badge out of my hand. Had I not been injured, I would have bit him, punched him, kicked him, hit him with my water gun until—

I did punch him, at least. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see. Sai didn't budge because the attack wasn't very strong; my head still spun and I just couldn't focus. But I was going to fight him and be chosen if it was the last thing I'd do.

Others wailed in horror, and the nurse cried for Sai to stop his pokémon, to return me to my pokéball. Atis tried to hold me back, but I just sprayed him with water and he gave up easily. Senori, with his injuries, was useless, so he simply jumped out of Sai's arms and stood on the side to watch the event unfold. Sai's expression was slightly more angry, but not angry enough to fight me back. I punched him again and again, sometimes in the face, sometimes in the stomach, sometimes in the back. It was much easier than fighting the Kakuna, but I tried not to let that bother me.

Sai took each and every hit, bleeding a bit himself and obviously having some bruises forming. But it wasn't good enough. He wasn't budging. His fists were clenched, and he was frowning, growling. I decided that I had to still be stronger. How could I do that? By getting rid of these wounds. All I wanted was for him to fight me and accept that I was his pokémon, a pokémon so strong that he had to fight back to control.

I had to evolve. Maybe I'd still be hurt, but I'd be stronger. My body had been growing, that was obvious. I was getting smarter, my mind was growing. I had trained so much, and in my desperate state of mind, I needed this, I needed this now.

I finally let myself do so. I stopped punching Sai, stood back, and to them, I was glowing—just like the Kakuna had for me and Atis. I could feel my body changing. I grew another set of spikes, this time on my head. My tail grew longer. My jaw was changing by turning smaller and more round, my teeth growing sharper and larger in quantity as compensation. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all, but I supposed that was the result of my training. Pokémon were meant for evolution, anyway, and the body and mind prepared itself nicely… so nicely that my wounds weren't as severe. The dizziness was gone, and I could concentrate again. I was no longer bleeding, though my side still showed signs of injury from Atis's spikes. The nurse would have to take care of me eventually, and I wondered what she'd think of me.

When I felt complete, I opened my eyes. I was taller, and I was able to look down on Sai now. Perfect. I didn't even stop to get a feel for my new form, just started punching him immediately once more. I would get used to my new body by training more and fighting—just to evolve once more, sometime in the near future, hopefully.

I hit him and hit him and hit him. Over and over, and this time, I could hear him grunting with pain, and asking me why I was doing this, and that I had to stop. I was hardly listening, and finally, finally, when his voice was emanating throughout the entire pokémon center and I still hadn't stopped, I got what I wanted.

Sai punched me. Did he have a choice? He punched me. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see.

That was all I wanted.


	9. suspended

chapter 9 ; [SENORI]

suspended

*

When I was watching Kuiora punch Sai over and over again, when I was watching her evolve… I felt like my body was falling away from me, through the floor, and then back into myself, over and over again. When my body was falling, it was as if I was dreaming of what my life could be, but wasn't. And when my body righted itself again, I was reminded that this was real, and that I simply didn't know what to do about it. The sudden violence wasn't entirely unexpected. She had been getting more and more desperate, and I had told her about Sai fighting me, thinking nothing of it at the time…I had told her that Sai fought me because it was what fate had brought upon me, upon us, not so that she could use the idea herself. Nevertheless, here she was, freezing me and everyone else in the pokémon center, leaving us to wonder only why she was doing this, why she evolved at this moment of shame, and most of all, why Sai felt compelled to punch her back.

I snapped back to reality as I suddenly tumbled out of Sai's arms. Though he was still on his knees, he went to pull his arm back and swing it forward, immediately colliding with Kuiora's rounded jaw. Had she still been a totodile, she may have staggered backward. With her new and larger form, she hardly moved an inch. And just as suddenly, she stopped attacking him. She merely smirked and looked around occasionally, mostly focusing on looking down at the stricken Sai in front of her.

"Kuiora," he said simply, using his other hand to cover the fist that he had hurt her with, "I didn't want to hit you."

"But you did," she said, smiling now, a different smile from the expectant smirk that was present just moments ago.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Sai said, standing up now. He moved slowly, carefully, as if he would break or as if Kuiora would attack him again at any moment.

"I'm strong, and I wanted you to know it. You're not allowed to say sorry!" she replied. She crossed her arms, but made no sign of future violence.

"But I always knew that," Sai said, chuckling slightly. I vaguely wondered if he was telling the truth, but decided that I'd never speak about it.

"Then why didn't you use me?"

"Everyone on the team has to fight. If I only focused on you, all the others would get left behind."

"Who cares about the others? I'm special, aren't I?"

"Of course you are… I chose you for a reason."

"You chose me because I was the strongest, of course!"

"Yes, yes I did. But you have quite the temper, don't you? But you seem easy to please, so let's make sure this never happens again…" Sai said seriously, looking down on her now, scolding her like the child she was.

Suddenly, a new voice cut in. "You can't expect to get away with another situation like this, can you?"

I looked around once more. Up until this point, some people were still watching, whispering amongst each other, probably wondering if they should do anything about the situation and wondering about why Sai was able to understand his pokémon while they couldn't. Others had scattered and moved on, either changed or unmoved by the incident. Only one person decided to stand up to Sai, and I immediately recognized him from the cave and from the pictures in Sasha's house. This boy had the same blonde hair and the same serious look on his face and the same determined eyes; it was just a different day with him wearing different clothes. The boy walked up to Sai, cutting off his view from Kuiora.

"First the cave incident, and now your pokémon is attacking you. I wonder why. You obviously don't give your pokémon the attention they need and deserve," he said, looking Sai straight in the eye.

"I didn't know it would go that far," Sai said, just as serious now and having to shift his attention from Kuiora once more. He did pass her a glance, however, as he added, "I didn't know what she wanted. She's never told or asked me directly until now."

"You should figure it out! You even have the advantage of being able to talk to your pokémon."

I stared at the boy. What was his name, anyway? Did he really have to be here at the same time as us? Was there anything I could do about it? He couldn't understand me… but he had saved me nonetheless. I was torn between wanting to spare this other boy from the grief and from trying to keep Sai on track, his emotions being my main motivation for remaining stable and calm.

Sai glared at the other boy and said, "Are you really going to be angry over me being able to talk to my pokémon while you can't?"

"That's not what this is about," the boy said, breaking eye contact for just a moment. "I bet you don't know a damn thing about your pokémon, especially not the sentret you almost got killed."

Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. "I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won't admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can't quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn't look like I'm listening or watching doesn't mean I'm oblivious."

When Sai said that, I completely forgot about my trying to decide which trainer to stick up for. Did Sai really pay that much attention to us, enough attention to know about the little things? Did I really even like the area with the most grass? I didn't even notice, and it certainly never seemed like he paid attention to anything but whatever crazy ramblings went on inside his head. I decided to stay silent for Sai, and watch him deal with this situation by himself.

There was a moment of silence. The boy looked around, glaring at the people who were still watching. "Doesn't matter if you listen or watch if your pokémon don't feel like you do," he finally said, not looking at Sai anymore.

But it does matter, I wanted to say. It says a lot about Sai. I turned to Kuiora to see what she was thinking during all of this. She was simply standing next to Sai, eyes crossed and looking just as defiant as her trainer. She didn't look angry anymore, and it was smart of her, I decided, to not say anything, knowing that the trainer couldn't understand her either way. She had probably exhausted her voice for the day, anyway. Crying, yelling, battling all day… Just what had happened, anyway? So many questions were running through my head about her and my trainer, but no answers.

"If you're not going to listen to anything I say, then we're done here," Sai stated, turning away from the boy. He walked up to the counter and said, "Nurse Joy, I deeply apologize for the incident here today. It won't happen again. I would appreciate it if you healed my Kuiora now…"

"O-Of course," the nurse said. "May I ask that your croconaw be put into her pokéball first?"

Sai's expression hardened again, but he looked too tired to care. He returned Kuiora to her pokéball and handed it over.

But the boy wasn't about to give up. He came up to the counter as well and said, "Have you not learned your lesson? I'm surprised Nurse Joy isn't reporting you. If I see one more incident I will report you, though I don't want to let it get to that."

Sai turned to the boy, glaring once more. "And just what do you mean by that?"

"Fight me. Battle me so they can see what kind of trainer I am, and let them decide if they want to stay with you or not."

Decide to stay with Sai or not? It almost seemed like every pokémon's dream—every pokémon who had a bad trainer, anyway. The choice to leave. This had to be happening for a reason, or else it wouldn't be happening at all… Without the entire situation played out, however, it was hard to judge what I would have done, should have done… and what I wanted to do.

"What's your name, anyway, kid?"

"My name? My name is Marty."

"Well, Marty, I'm not worried at all. You're on, but I'm waiting for Kuiora," Sai said, and that was the end of the scuffle in the pokémon center, but not the questions inside my head. Fate may have been trying to tell me something, maybe leaving Sai was really an option… Who could ever know?

The battle took place two days later. Kuiora was anxious to get started right away, of course, but Sai insisted that she wait for her injuries to be healed. It took a lot of courage, I observed, to be able to deny her after what just happened, but she seemed to realize that it was for the best—probably because Sai, at least, wasn't ignoring her.

"You said I tell stories like no other, right?" she asked, hopping up and down on the bed. We were all back in the same hotel room, as Sai said he no longer wanted to spend money that way. He had really calmed down since Kuiora's outburst, and it was extremely noticeable. No one had to chase him around the entire town or wonder when the next time we'd be able to buy food anymore, after all.

"Yes, yes I did," Sai said, simply sitting next to her and bouncing up and down to whatever rhythm she wanted.

"That was different," was all she said. She had already asked about being the strongest at least five times, anyway, since he was no longer ignoring her. Had it been on purpose? I supposed it was futile to ask, but perhaps I would someday.

"I want you to tell a story," I said instead.

"You do?" Kuiora asked. She stopped bouncing, confused.

"Yeah. Why not?" Because yes, I was tired of hearing about her being the strongest. This could have been a more enjoyable substitute.

"A story about what?"

"Anything goes, as long as it's not about you being the strongest."

"Meanie," Kuiora said, crossing her arms. "There are no legends about me yet, anyway, but there will be someday."

"I'll bet."

"Do you want me to tell a story or not?" she pouted.

"Go for it," I said, smirking. It was always fun, picking on her… and that was why I never learned to expect anything serious from her. Her outburst was unexpected, and then soon I came to realize that her serious stories were unexpected.

She told a story of an old man who burned because he was mourning for his lost wife and child. She had died in a house fire while trying to save their three-year-old son. She had sacrificed everything and still failed, according to the entire town. In the man's mind, however, she had succeeded. Until a child is old enough to take care of himself, he thought, the mother should always follow and keep watch.

"It simply would have been a sin to the gods had she done anything else but die saving him," she explained. Atis lay on the top bunk, as usual, saying nothing, perhaps not even listening, just thinking. I lay on the floor, curling my tail around my body, occasionally looking up to watch Sai's reaction carefully. Yes, he was listening, and he was listening well. The croconaw went on.

Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him change his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

One day, however, he wanted to face the very thing that had taken his wife and child. Oh, how badly he wanted to face the fire. He lit a candle and mourned for them. He mourned and mourned, planning to burn it and never see it again when he was done—until he heard a cackling sound, an eerie laugh. He opened his eyes, saw that the candle was gone. The candle had really been a rare pokémon shaped like a candle, its purplish glow said to steal the energy of humans and pokémon alike just to be able to burn some more. The man had no energy to stop the fire, or to even notice it was happening. He died in pain, but without even realizing he was in pain.

"The town," Kuiora finished, "said that he was smoking in bed when he set the house on fire. And then they wondered how the house was set on fire the first time. The end!" she said, bouncing off the bed and scaring me into the corner of the room due to her new larger size and sharper fangs.

The battle took place two days later, after it finally hit me that Kuiora wasn't just a kid—she was the same as all of us: she came with flaws and things that made her great, both of which she was afraid of showing.

Of course, Kuiora was also feeling much, much better. She was practically dancing over to our designated battlefield: Ilex Forest.

And of course, the battlefield reminded me of home. The forest smell and appearance was much different from home. The trees were much, much taller, and it made the place darker than the one I remembered and thought of often. And like the Azalea Town gym, several bug pokémon were everywhere, out in plain sight, as if they knew their home was protected. I wished that my clan still felt the same—I at least had the comfort of knowing that they felt safe at some point. How was Ari doing, anyway? What about the rest of the clan? Had they perhaps relocated due to what happened? I thought and thought but it was no use. No one could answer me, as usual. So I tried to focus on the issue at hand: Marty's crazy ambition and obsession with Sai's training abilities. We were going to be fighting in a clearing, just as Sai had attacked me in a clearing when we had first met so long ago.

Marty stood on one side of the clearing while Sai and the rest of us stood on the other side. Atis stood by my side, while Kuiora was already out in front of our trainer, knowing that she would be chosen to battle. I didn't offer any protest this time, for I knew that this would happen as well. After her outrage, it was simply meant to be.

The other boy took no time in choosing which pokémon to send out. He sent out a pokémon he called Halcyon, a name true to the bug's nature. The purple and white bug flew around with joy, fluttering its wings as fast as it could to pick up speed and show off.

"A butterfree, huh?" Sai said. He sounded tired, and I expected him to say something cocky like saying his croconaw was better or that he would win fast. But his feelings of invincibility seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. "Kuiora, use water gun!"

Kuiora stood up as tall as she could, just as she had when she confronted Sai. We could all tell how proud she was as she inhaled sharply and exhaled a long, steady stream of water toward the butterfree, the first official enemy of hers. Halcyon, with its wings still flapping quickly, easily moved out of the way. It stopped mid-air and looked at Kuiora, waiting for its next move. But its mistake lay in stopping, as Kuiora simply moved her body in the butterfree's direction, bringing the water gun attack with her. The steady stream of natural liquid never stopped, just relocated—and it ended up colliding head-on with the bug's small purple face and torso. Halcyon didn't cry out or move, just took the brunt of the attack.

"Halcyon won't lose to you, he won't! Fly under it and use tackle!" Marty cried, smiling and not appearing too worried about his pokémon's condition just yet.

Halcyon reacted instantly, as if he had known what kind of counterattack his trainer would think of. Halcyon broke free of the water gun, seemingly unscathed, and barely grazed by the attack as he flew under the water and straight into Kuiora's body. Finally, the water stopped, and Kuiora staggered backward.

"I didn't have time to move my attack. You got lucky," Kuiora said. I almost chuckled at her, since her excuses were always amusing and childish to me. It reminded me of the old her—but was there really ever an old her?

"You're fine, Kuiora. Go ahead and use bite," Sai said calmly.

"Will do!" the croconaw responded happily. She stood there expectedly, waiting for the butterfree to get closer so she could attack.

"We simply won't go near you then! Try a stun spore instead."

Halcyon stayed in the air, its wings flapping slower now to help keep the bug suspended, stuck in place, just like the rest of us were at the moment. According to Marty, we were all stuck here pitifully and against our will, and according to Sai, we were all stuck here because the other boy was in our way and was just another obstacle to overcome… Whose beliefs should I have been following? Marty made me wonder, maybe only because he saved me, maybe because fate brought him to me not once, but twice now.

No matter what the case was, it didn't change the fact that Kuiora and Halcyon were fighting right now. Halcyon was emitting a strange, yellow substance, which started emanating throughout the entire battlefield within the minute. I wished that there were more bugs in my forest so that I could have warned Kuiora. She simply stood there and waited for the substance to sink into her, unsure of what it would do and probably thinking it was harmless enough to wait for.

"Kuiora, you're going to have to attack quick!" Sai called, finally realizing what the attack was after seeing that Kuiora was having troubles just by trying to keep her arms from drooping.

Once the croconaw realized the situation as well, she immediately started propelling herself forward, past the yellow substance that was paralyzing her. I could tell that she was trying to run, but it looked more and more like jogging. Still, the butterfree remained suspended and focused on its attack as she got closer and closer, and when she was finally close enough, she jumped as high as she could and grabbed the butterfree with her clawed hands. Halcyon's wings could no longer help him, and the stun spore attack ceased as he tried to free himself in vain. Kuiora had a firm grasp on him, despite the attack—it simply hadn't had enough time to sink in and get to her completely yet.

Kuiora pulled down Halcyon and kept him in place with one hand. Instead of biting, Kuiora pulled back her other hand and thrust it forward, knocking the butterfree right out of her hands and into the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Kuiora, though she did not appear as tall and proud, stood there as tall as she could, tired and restrained from her battle. She was still smiling, though, which was a good sign. Marty ran over to the bushes to check on Halcyon, but came back with nothing.

"I put him back in his pokéball," he mumbled glumly. "I'll send out my next pokémon. It's my only other pokemon, so this will be a two on two battle. Are you still using the croconaw?"

Sai's eyes widened, as if he hadn't considered removing Kuiora from the battle. He was quiet, looking at her, thinking.

"You did well, Kuiora," he started. I could already see her starting to frown. "But you just healed and I don't want you to get hurt more. I'd like to send Senori in… so that you can rest from your victory."

She smiled again at the end, and said that it was okay. Her voice sounded weak and she couldn't nod; the stun spore was taking its effect now, and it probably wouldn't start wearing off until the end of the battle or until she got back to a pokémon center.

So Sai ended up sending me out to battle. Last time, I was facing a menacing scyther that could easily tell my weak point due to its clan leader's commands. This time, I was facing a little cyndaquil that I recognized as one of Professor Elm's starting pokémon for new trainers. Did Sai and Marty start around the same time? I looked back at Kuiora to see if she knew the cyndaquil, but there was no sign of recollection, just a smile that told me she was stronger than this thing despite the type disadvantage.

"Do you know the croconaw over there?" I asked.

"Nope," the cyndaquil said, smiling.

"Gracie, start off with an ember!" Marty cried out, clenching his fist in anticipation. He didn't seem to want to let us talk, probably because of Sai.

The cyndaquil known as Gracie inhaled and exhaled flames, directing them at me. It reminded me of Kuiora's water gun attack, except this seemed much more dangerous and potentially painful. I ran on all four paws in order to dodge the attack. It didn't seem as if Gracie was as good with controlling her attacks, so nothing followed me, though I did ensure this before I stopped running.

"Senori, use tail whip!" Sai called to me.

I ran over to Gracie, who was recovering from using her ember attack. She shrieked and covered her face with her tiny cream-colored paws as I attempted to smack her with my tail.

"Are you scared?" I asked, sort of actually feeling sorry for her.

"I get scared easily…" Gracie said, her voice trailing off, "but I can still fight!"

After she finished her sentence, she removed her paws from her face and ran toward me this time, so quick that she was leaving afterimages behind her every time she moved. Every cyndaquil I saw looked the same, and I couldn't tell who was real and who wasn't. I turned my body to the left and right, trying to find a good time to escape, but each time I turned, Gracie or her afterimages followed and I second guessed myself. This time, she smacked into me, sending me careening into the bushes this time instead of Halcyon.

When I went to get up, however, I saw another pokémon staring down at me.

"I see that boy around here a lot," it said. It was a bird pokémon, with white feathers covering all around its neck, with only one red feather sticking up at the top of its head. Its red colored face stared down at me, smiling. Its beak opened and shut numerous times, trying to speak. "If you want to end this quick, just hit Gracie on the back. It's her weak point. She'll get scared, and with her trying not to fall, you can put enough pressure on her tiny legs to where she can't get back up."

"W-What?" I said, confused. Where had this bird come from, anyway? Had it been watching the entire time? And why even care about Marty and Sai and Gracie and me? I stumbled back to my feet quickly and hopped out of the bushes, not even bothering to say anything or look at the pokémon.

Still, as the battle continued, I couldn't forget what the bird had said. I didn't want to cheat and hit Gracie on the back, but she was starting to wear me down. She had hit me into the bushes, and now she was aiming more ember attacks at me and making me run as much as possible, exhausting my energy. I did want to end this quick so that Marty didn't win and find further reason to antagonize Sai the way he was, but still—

I decided to try a similar strategy, one that I could be proud of. When Gracie shot out her next ember attack, I stopped and let it come straight at me. I prepared my tail as I watched the oncoming embers, and when it was finally close enough, I swung my tail at each and every one. While the embers simply dissipated upon contact, Gracie thought that they were going to come flying back at her and started cowering in fear once more, covering those already closed eyes of hers. Then I ran at her again and tackled her, hitting her in the side rather than mostly on her back. Seeing how small her legs were made me think that maybe there was enough pressure applied so that she couldn't get up again, or perhaps just be fainted after battling so long and using so much energy on her ember attacks. Either way, she was finished battling, as she didn't get up again, just kept whining.

"Gracie, it's okay, I know you're not much of a battler. Return!" Marty said, and she disappeared as a mere flash of red, maybe looking at me with those closed eyes with desperation. How could I tell, anyway?

"Good job, Senori. Return," Sai said, copying Marty, though he didn't return me to my pokéball. He rarely did.

"Well? I may have lost, but it wasn't about winning or losing, just seeing trainer styles and appealing to our pokémon in the best way possible. Let them choose, and let them remember how you almost let Senori get killed and how you let Kuiora get so out of hand!" Marty cried, frowning and glaring at Sai. But Sai ignored him and turned to us instead.

"You did well, Kuiora, Senori. And Atis would have done well too. I'm sorry that Marty feels compelled to do this… and I'm sorry that I'm inclined to agree with him on some points. Maybe, someday…" he said, stopping to smile softly. "Maybe someday I can love you as much as I was meant to."

"I'd like to stay now that I can battle!" Kuiora said immediately, hugging and squeezing Sai's leg closely to her. Sai smiled and rubbed her side, the one that had been damaged by Atis.

"The croconaw is too young to know better, but her choice is her choice," Marty said, crossing his arms impatiently.

"Why are you so set on trying to get rid of me as a trainer?" Sai asked, looking up at the other boy.

"I should just report you and have your pokémon forcibly taken from you," Marty retorted.

"That doesn't answer my question," Sai said, still calm and tired.

"Most pokémon don't know what a real good trainer can be like. The only example they usually have is their first trainer… and by the time they realize what they really need and want in a trainer, they're too far from home to find their way back. It's too late, and they feel trapped. But I don't want pokémon to feel that way!"

"I wouldn't want them to, either," Sai said sympathetically.

"You don't act like it!" Marty cried, frustrated.

"I told you before… You don't know me. I try my best."

"Then let them choose. I let Gracie and Halcyon choose, and I'll let Gracie choose again someday."

"I never said I wouldn't," Sai said. He kneeled down once more, looked at all of us—but not expectedly. Perhaps he truly didn't know what to expect. It made me wonder why he had accepted this battle in the first place. He did care, he cared, he did, I had to believe it. "Senori? Atis? No one should feel trapped or feel like they have to stay, Marty is right."

There was a long silence before anyone said anything else. There were a lot of factors I had to consider. I could start over here. I could build a new clan… not of sentret, but of bugs and whatever else was in this forest. I could try to find my way back—though, like Marty said, it seemed impossible and tough and risky. I could leave Sai's world of unpredictability and go back to a life of routine and serenity…

"I'd like to have time to think about it…" Atis mumbled eventually, finally, though something told me he would end up staying. Where else would he go? Maybe he'd stay until he found another purpose in his life, one that Sai couldn't contribute to anymore.

And me? I wondered. It was my turn. Yes, again, I could start over here. But didn't I say I wouldn't let Sai's emotions get to me? And I had been doing well so far. I acted indifferent when he was going back and forth between being angry at me for losing the way I do and sad at himself for slowing him down, which he was still doing. Surely he'd be sad again soon—he was slowing down, and actually sleeping again, and he was no longer invincible… Yes, he was a rollercoaster. He always would be. And I feared his emotions deep down, even if I ignored them—I never knew what he was capable of, never knew what would happen next, never knew what kind of day I would have when I woke up. Still, he gave me a purpose, and he came at the right time in my life. He did seem to care, though there was something that was preventing him from showing it. Maybe, someday, like he said, he could show me, show all of us, and we could be happy…

In the end… I knew I loved him more than I feared him.

I chose to stay.


	10. grounded

chapter 10 ; [EZREM]

grounded

*

There was a team of pokémon who had a trainer, once. She gave us all annoying names. There was Kephi the venipede, Obieme the tepig, Virokoe the purrloin, and when we went to Sinnoh and then to Johto, we got Rennio the elekid. Despite the weird names, they loved her so. I did not love her, but I tolerated her—just because she was the type of person that made you enjoy your name just because of the way she said it. And we all liked her enough to the point where we all agreed never to evolve simply because she wanted a team of non-evolved pokémon. We loved her—liked her, in my case—because she was easygoing, nice, compromising… and therefore she was also easy to manipulate.

After receiving six badges in Unova and six badges in Sinnoh, she had wanted to go to Hoenn. She never wanted our journey to be over so she never completed any gym circuit, and she wanted to see the waters and the unique cities there, she said. I told her that I was a rufflet that came from Johto, and I wanted to see home once more. Somehow she believed me; she trusted me wholeheartedly. In reality, I had heard of a legendary pokémon that could travel through time. I wanted to travel through the future so that my journey with her could finally be over, and I could permanently find a place I could call home. She had taken me when I was young, and moving around did not satisfy me in the slightest.

Because I pretended to love her and because she truly loved us, she sacrificed her dream of going to Hoenn for me. We took a boat to get to Johto, just so that she could travel the sea as if she were really going to her dream region. She never talked about it, but we all knew she was thinking of it.

When we got to the Johto region, she of course started the gym circuit over. I had agreed to let her do this, since I told her my home was in Azalea Town—only two badges in, it wouldn't take long, I could at least give her that. When we finally reached the town and Ilex Forest, however, I wished that it had been the last gym.

I didn't intend to do it. People in the town said that Celebi, the forest's protector, only came out in the face of danger. Well, then, I thought, I would have to create my own danger so that I may talk to this forest guardian! I asked the tepig named Obieme to start a fire for me and then come help me find food. But our trainer and the other pokémon aren't here to watch the fire, he said! She was out getting wood. I said it was fine, we needed to mark a meeting place anyway, and that was what our trainer had told me to do. She hadn't. But of course the tepig with the silly name listened to me and started the fire and left with me. And of course the fire spread because no one was near it for a very long time and the winds were strong that day.

If the forest guardian ever came, I never knew. All I knew was that my trainer must have gotten trapped somewhere along with the rest of the pokémon. Rennio escaped because he had gotten lost and got help at the next town, and though Obieme was with me, I hadn't seen him since. They were all dead, I knew, and it was my fault. The forest guardian was meant to help me but spited me instead.

My name is Ezrem. I got that name from my trainer, once. She told me that the name sounded like it could be a type of jewel, an item to be cherished because it seemed so delicate yet, beneath its pretty exterior, was unyielding and sharp. She was certainly right, but I never got the chance to tell her so. I could not change my ways and she died for it.

My name is Ezrem, and I don't need pity to suffer from or feel guilty for my actions. This is just the surface of my story, but details are not needed here…

My trainer said Johto was meant to be a new place, a new home, a new adventure. Again, she was certainly right. There was the incident, and then after, I had been watching over Rennio. Being the only survivor besides myself, he was shaken by the incident and at a complete loss as to what to do next. His situation was especially dire in his mind because I had once told him that there weren't many elekid in the Unova or Sinnoh region—they were going extinct! And since then he had been panicking over battles and making sure that he was kept safe at all costs.

"Now that we're the only ones, I vow to protect you!" I said to him shortly after the incident, trying to quickly atone for what I had done. It was the least I could do, and maybe he could help me find a home here in Johto, since, according to the spiteful forest guardian, going back to Unova was out of the question due to the evil stunt I had pulled. I could only hope that we wouldn't find an elekid in Johto, which was believed to be their main region. If that ever happened, what would I do? I had not a clue.

I had not a clue about much of anything. We were, of course, still in Ilex Forest when we met Sai, three months after the incident. When Rennio was away, I liked to stand near the entrance of the forest and watch for potential trainers to manipulate into taking me home or finding me a home. So when I saw those trainers Marty and Sai, when I saw that Sai had little training experience and was copying Marty just to make himself look smart, I decided to butt in. The sentret was thrown back into the bushes, and I found my chance. I introduced myself in the best way possible—with advice! That would surely make them interested in me and think of me as a good pokémon, one who liked to help others…

Seeing the two of them fight afterward only confirmed my decision. Marty had been a contender but had failed. He was too angry, stuck in his own ways… He just wasn't for me. On the other hand, Sai's pokémon stayed loyal to him, and they must have been doing so for a good reason, whatever reason it was. I needed loyalty, for Sai not to betray me. His apparent lack of knowledge appealed to me as well.

I continued watching them, keeping Rennio in my mind. He was out getting food and knew exactly where to find me, just as I knew where exactly to find him. I could have gone to help him, but I was waiting for my chance to step in, here…

"You know my sister?" the boy named Marty cried. He stood in the clearing, fists clenched and his feet spread apart. I couldn't see his face, as his back was to me, but I could assume that he didn't look too pleased.

"I met her and saw your house," Sai said, remaining calm. He was standing now, when before he had been kneeling down next to his pokémon. A hitmontop stood behind him, and the other two, a sentret and a croconaw, stood in front.

"Did she say anything about me?" Marty said, his tone softer, his body still betraying him.

"She said you were a good trainer."

Now, Marty's pose started to change. His stood up straight, his fists unclenched. His voice was growing softer as he said, "She did?"

"Yeah, she did. I bet she'd want to be as strong as you if she were a trainer."

"She is a trainer. She wants to leave Azalea Town soon, too," he said quietly. Then, he tried to flame up again, though I could tell it was fake as he said, "Don't think that she'd want to travel with us or anything! Or that I would want to. I'm out of here now."

I knew his voice was fake because his body betrayed him when he didn't stomp off or anything, just walked like a normal person you would pass by on the road. And with that, he was out of my sight. It looked like he had gone back to Azalea Town despite saying he wanted to leave. Nevertheless, I kept a note in my head—if Marty ever showed up again, he had a weakness: his sister, and maybe just the idea of being a trainer.

This was when I decided to step out. If I waited any longer, Rennio would come back to interrupt me, or Sai would leave, and I'd lose him! It couldn't happen. He was the one and I knew it, had to believe it. With my two stubby feet I made my way through the bushes, ignoring the giant leaves that tried to block my view of the boy. The rustling noise caught his attention, and before I even revealed myself completely, he was looking at me.

"I just saw you!" the sentret cried, darting out even further in front of Sai, as if I was an enemy.

"Yes, yes, you did! And I helped you, and you won," I said, grinning like I was clearly an idiot.

The sentret looked confused for a moment, letting his guard down. He said, "Yes, we did win... You weren't talking like that before, though."

"No? I talk this way, all the time, believe me!" I said, jumping up and down, fluttering my wings ever so slightly. Ever so slightly, yes, but it would change soon enough! This was the beginning of my long flight home, wherever that was.

I looked up at Sai, expecting him to notice me and want to take me in immediately like most other trainers had. Trainers must not see rufflet in Johto very often, and it shows by their excitement, their desperation and the use of all their pokéballs, despite the fact that I can never be formally caught. My old pokéball was out there somewhere, but if Sai was the one, he would be okay with that…

But Sai didn't do anything. He looked down at me, staring rather blankly. I thought maybe he didn't know how rare rufflet were around these parts, and that once he knew, his mind would change easily. So I started gesturing toward Sai as clearly as I could. Speaking would be useless, as he couldn't understand me. I flew over to him, landed by his side and used my wing to point toward his backpack, where I assumed his pokéballs were. Immediately he bent down and opened it for me, allowing me to retrieve whatever it was I wanted. In any other situation that would have been a bad idea, but alas! This time I only took out a pokéball, empty or not, didn't matter. After I dropped it to the ground, I started jumping up and down, up and down to show my excitement. But still, Sai's facial expression was blink, his body limp.

I stopped jumping up and down. Frowning, I turned to the sentret and said, "Tell your trainer I want to join his team."

"He can understand you," the sentret replied automatically, emotionlessly.

"He can?" I asked just as automatically.

"Yeah… He's an interesting human, to say the least."

I turned back toward Sai, looking straight into his eyes and trying to keep a blank facial expression myself. I wasn't afraid of him! I wasn't afraid of a trainer who could somehow talk to pokémon, and I had to show it. Yes, it only confirmed my suspicions of Sai being the one. He was special, all right. I could tell him everything straight to his face someday and he'd understand.

"I want to join your team!" I cried, jumping up and down again. "I can't be caught in a pokéball, but I will remain loyal! I will never stray from your side if you take me with you. I have experience, I'm smart, ask your sentret there…"

"No," Sai interrupted. My beak hung open for a moment, confused as to what I had just heard. Had Sai really just rejected me out front?

Just as I was about to try to change his mind, I heard a crackling sound and a distinct humming noise. It was loud enough to attract the attention of everyone nearby. They were alarmed while I was not. But what bad timing, I thought! It was Rennio, and I knew it. That was what happened when you were stuck with him for so long and watched his every move…

Out of the bushes jumped Rennio, screaming "Rennio has come back to the world!"

The little yellow and black elekid stood there with an armful of red berries, looking around, presumably for me. Once he spotted me, he obviously noted how friendly I was with these pokémon and this trainer already, so he steadily made his way over to us. It would be hard for him to see my inevitable disgrace and disappointment, but such was life, I supposed. I couldn't have predicted, however, what happened next.

"Atis, get that pokémon!" Sai cried suddenly, his arm extended and pointing directly at Rennio. The hitmontop from behind peaked out around Sai as if he were peering around the side of a building, watching for danger. He saw Rennio and had a dreadful look on his face, but nevertheless launched forward and onto the spinner on the top of his head. He started spinning wildly, preparing to kick the poor elekid out of the way…

This all happened too fast for me to react right away. Once I figured out the situation, however, I remembered—I had to protect Rennio at all costs, even from Sai, my future trainer. Blowing the pokéball away in the process, I flapped my wings as aggressively as I could to make it to Rennio in time. I knocked him out of the way, figuring it was safer than attacking the dangerous hitmontop (Atis, was it?) head on.

All the red berries flew out of Rennio's arm as he crashed to the ground beside him with a thud. The hitmontop tried to slow down and control his movement but he only succeeded in wobbling to and fro and then colliding with the same bushes that I had been watching from. He stood up a few moments later, looking for his target but appeared dizzy. Atis was a hitmontop who wasn't too used to spinning on its own head, apparently.

"No attacking Rennio!" I cried, admittedly unsure if I should be talking to Atis or Sai. Atis seemed like he'd listen immediately despite me not being his trainer, so I turned to Sai in the end. "He's my friend. He would also like to join your team with me."

"What?" Rennio asked, looking up at me. I realized that I was still standing on top of his body, so before I got electrocuted, I swiftly jumped off of him, realizing at the same time that he had no idea what the situation was at the moment. I would have to fill him in later. For now, I tried to motion for him to follow along with me.

"We would both like to join your team," I repeated, more calmly and more determined this time. I started walking up to Sai, motioning again for Rennio to follow me. I knew he'd listen to me, as he trusted my judgment despite everything… And he did follow, leaving his berries behind.

Sai frowned, simply staring once more. This time, he was staring at Rennio. There wasn't much else I could say. How much more straightforward could I be? We both wanted to be his pokémon. He looked like he needed a rare pokémon and an electric-type, anyway, right? But I was wrong.

I got my hopes up a lot when he started digging around in his pocket for something. At first I assumed it was a pokéball, but then thought that pokéballs were too big to fit in a human's pocket, even when minimized. My hopes dropped away once he pulled out a black and white dice, and then another one. They stared at me mockingly, just as Sai had been doing not too long ago. I started seeing what was going on when Sai handed Rennio the dice as well. Sai clearly preferred Rennio over me, though I could not tell why.

"Roll it," said Sai.

Rennio peered over at me, and I nodded. So Rennio rolled it, or something like that. Like the berries, he dropped them on the ground as if I had just rammed him in the stomach once more. He probably wasn't ready for another trainer or another traner's attention, the poor guy, but it had to be done, I thought.

Both of the dice landed on the ground with a thud. One of them had a single black dot on it, while the other had three. I looked up to Sai, both eager and wary of seeing his reaction. His reaction was gleeful, overjoyed, and I felt empty.

"You're my fourth pokémon!" Sai cried, diving down onto his knees and leaning in to apparently hug the poor electric-type. Rennio was embraced ever so lovingly, and he looked over to me, puzzled and utterly defeated. His facial expression was the equivalent of asking me whether or not he should electrocute this boy and make a run for it, but I was too stunned to move.

"Are you going to give him a name?" chimed in the croconaw, who had just been watching during this entire ordeal.

Sai paused, then carefully answered, "No. The elekid doesn't have a name."

"My name is Rennio, given by my other—"

"You don't have a name," Sai interrupted, releasing his hold on the pokémon.

"I don't?" he said quietly, looking heartbroken, as if he would really have to give up his old name.

"No, you don't."

"So I'm really your pokémon?"

"Yes, you are."

"Are you sure? What about my friend, Ezrem?" he asked, pointing to me.

"Ezrem is not my pokémon, but you are."

Rennio frowned, but he wasn't the type to deny others. He also wasn't the type to doubt me, so he must have known I had something up my sleeve. Instead of turning away from Sai, he said, "Can I at least say good-bye to him first?"

"Go right ahead, but… Kuiora, go over there and make sure he doesn't run off on us, okay?" Sai asked, petting the rather menacing looking water-type and directing her over to us.

As if she was reading my mind, the first thing that she said when the two of them made it over to the other side of the clearing was: "My trainer is very picky about what pokémon is on his team. This elekid is very lucky."

"Lucky, huh?" I said under my breath. Yes, it confirmed that Sai was a good trainer. But what good did that do for me if I couldn't be with him? Although I was jealous of Rennio, I tried to be happy for him, tried to lay out my future plans, but none were coming to me. And he was looking at me expectantly, clearly waiting for those plans to be said.

"Lucky!" Kuiora said, jumping up and down gleefully.

I couldn't help but smile at the two of them. It reminded me of Obieme and the others with our former trainer, in a way…

"Well," I said, scoffing to myself, "I have a feeling this will be a very good trainer for you, Rennio."

"You're just going to leave me?"

"What kind of question is that? I want to go home with you, and Sai is going to help us do just that."

"Home?" Kuiora asked.

"Yes… to Unova, or somewhere like home."

Suddenly, the croconaw's eyes widened considerably. She began jumping up and down again, this time higher and higher, overflowed with joy. She also tried to tackle me in a fun way, but I thankfully dodged out of the way before any of my wings were broken.

"What was that for?"

"You're a legendary pokémon, aren't you?! You're from a foreign land! I've heard stories about you and your evolved form! I know you're legendary, so don't try to hide it from me!"

"Stories?" I asked. I couldn't help but be curious.

"Stories about such bravery and strength, about rescuing and war. Yes, they were definitely about you. I can't believe I got to find a legendary pokémon so early on in our journey!" she said, holding her paws together and gleaming at me.

I had never heard of such stories, but I pretended like I had. I told her that yes, they were about me and my evolved form breviary. And yes, I was indeed a legendary pokémon. If Sai wouldn't accept me, then having one of his pokémon accept me was clearly the next best thing. Then, maybe, he would realize how much his team liked me, and he would ask me to join the team. Yes, that could work, just maybe! It was worth a shot, at any rate.

"This is just great! Sai is so picky he doesn't know what he's doing. You should be on our team, too," she said excitedly.

"Yes, I should be."

"You should be on the team, Ezrem! I can't do this alone," Rennio said, snapping my attention back toward him. I had been so engrossed in the legendary pokémon business that I had almost forgotten him, the poor pokémon.

"Don't worry, my friend," I said generously. "I will go on this journey with you! I've got it all planned out, don't you worry."

"You really do?"

"I do. You should say yes to being on his team. Walk up to her replacement and welcome him home. And I will follow and protect you, despite the boy's protests."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

I said I promised, and Rennio smiled. Kuiora smiled, for other reasons, but it was a smile nonetheless. I smiled, too, but I didn't know what I was smiling for. After all, I had chosen Sai, but he hadn't chosen me?

He betrayed me from the start. But I was stuck. I had vowed to make it up to Rennio, and it was my fault we were in this mess to begin with, anyway.

Right now, I was grounded; my wings were broken. It was crystal clear that my dreams were hanging from a wire, ready to drop and crash at any moment.

_Rennio, Sai, you don't know what you do to me. _

_I will make it home…_


	11. stranger

chapter 11 ; [RENNIO]

stranger

*

I still remember her like it was yesterday. She had long, flowing blonde hair, green eyes. Her love for us pokémon had no boundaries. She found beauty in all things, even the things that made people cringe when she talked about them, like philosophy and math. She was the first person I saw when I hatched from my egg. Where she got that egg, I never knew, but it was all I could do to thank her for retrieving it.

It was yesterday. In my mind. In my dreams. In my hopes, in my fears.

She asked me once, "If you were to think about it, would you predict that you'd have more fears than hopes, or more hopes than fears?"

Back then, I didn't have to think about it.

Now, I think too much.

Yes, I remember her like it was yesterday… I remember even the little things that I observed over the years. She refused to sleep on her sides, so as to never leave her back wide open. She only spoke of Arceus to those who didn't believe, again, to make them cringe all out of good fun. She never looked at the ground or at the sky as she walked, because she wasn't afraid of the never-ending path in front of her.

My favorite memory was when she embraced me. She made it look like a normal hug, made it feel like a stronghold.

And it's all so ironic, I know. I think too much about it now, these fears that outweigh my hopes.

It's ironic because… the one time she truly needed me, I let her go.

_Annie._

My first thought amongst the chaos.

We were simply out getting wood to build our own fire—and when we found it, all we wanted to do was get rid of it and run. It was just extra fuel for the fire heading our way, after all…

_Fire!_

I had to do a double take before I realized that, yes, there really was one coming our way. The crackling sound that I had heard so many times before on our journey now rang through my ears and tormented me relentlessly. The flames were taller than I'd ever seen them before, and the air smelled burnt, crisp, sharp. My senses were exhausted in a matter of seconds. I stood there, confused and dazed, wondering if I was in a dream…

_Annie. Fire!_

_Annie, we have no water-type pokémon, we're nowhere near the exit or entrance, and there's nothing but more trees surrounding us, more fuel…_

Something had to be done, but judging by our clear lack of action, everyone was thinking the same things as me and no one knew what to do. The fire was growing larger and coming closer to us with every passing second. Closer, closer.

"What are those things that are always in your mouth?" I asked once. We were just beginning our journey to Johto, as we were on the boat that would lead us to the renowned region. Though I had been traveling with her for quite some time, I had never questioned her about her peculiar eating habit.

She grabbed another spoonful of berries for me and placed them in my mouth. I smiled as I chewed in order to thank her. I was old enough to feed myself, yet she was always insisting on me being the baby of the group, the one who received all the extra special attention. I was grateful for the care, and so I thanked her for every bite.

"They're called cigarettes," she said, starting to prepare another mouthful for me.

"Can I have one?" I asked, swallowing the food in my mouth. "They must taste good if you have them all the time."

"Nope, you can't," she said, smiling to herself. She put the white stick in her mouth once more and then removed it, a puff of smoke following behind. She always did this, over and over, until she had completely gone through the stick.

"Why not?"

"They're not good for pokémon, and I can't have my baby having something that isn't good for him, right?"

"I guess not… What about the others?" I questioned, wondering if I would be jealous of the others for once instead of it being the other way around.

"They don't get one, either."

She continued feeding me the berries, spoonful by spoonful. I sat there and watched her smoke quietly, wondering what the taste was like, the texture, the feeling that she had when the eating session both started and ended. I supposed I would never know.

When she was done, she took out a device which sparked a bit of fire, and started all over again.

_Fire._

That's what must have happened. Annie must have dropped one of her cigarettes after lighting it on fire, dropped it, and left it there. There was no other explanation in my eyes. Because of her sudden carelessness, we were all stuck in this mess.

I forgave her instantly, though my body said otherwise. I wanted to stay, but my legs were quickly starting to betray me. My knees felt as if they were going to buckle at any moment, or turn and start heading in the other direction.

It was always this way. My thoughts were much different than my actions. Why couldn't my mind and body just cooperate? Why was I such a baby on the outside and then so sure of myself on the inside? Wasn't the mind supposed to send signals to the brain which would in turn send signals to the body? Or something like that? I remembered Annie telling me once. But it just didn't ring true for me.

I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay and protect her, protect those green eyes in a fire that was turning everything gray.

But I was the first to run.

_Annie._

The other pokémon on the team, particularly Ezrem, always liked to make fun of the day that I was born. Hatching from the egg and not being able to understand their taunting language was apparently amusing. And apparently, the first thing that I was told was my name.

When I hatched from my egg, the last thing that I wanted to hear about was my name. I was hungry and I was cold, so I wanted food and warmth right away. I could no longer turn to my egg to sustain me, so I had to find these things elsewhere. But on top of my basic necessities, I was overwhelmed with a sense of confusion. The only thing recognizable to me was voices, since I could hear them inside the egg. The other pokémon surrounding me were foreign, and so were my surroundings. Where was I? Was I supposed to be where I already was, or was some other place waiting for me? Did I hatch too soon, too late?

Despite my needs, Annie did not feed me or hold me or tell me where I was. Again, I was informed that the first thing she did was tell me my name.

"Rennio. Your name is Rennio," she said. She beamed at me, along with the rest of her pokémon, all of which were foreign to me. They were whispering amongst themselves, however—or making fun of me, of course—so I assumed they must have known me somehow. I didn't know what their names were, so I just stared at them. Their words mean nothing to me.

"Renee was my littlest sister's name, and the end of your name makes it sound a little more boyish. It's perfect for my new baby pokémon!" she said ecstatically.

At first, I couldn't understand. But as Ezrem told me the story once when he felt like teasing me, I began to comprehend the situation's significance. One of the first things a baby does when it's born is try to figure out if the world is a safe place. Is the world trustworthy? Are people trustworthy? Annie didn't feed me or hold me or tell me I could feel safe, but giving me a name and explaining its origin provided me with a sense of relief. That was her way of telling me that she was trustworthy. She knew I existed, and she loved and valued my existence enough to give me an identity.

My hunger and desire for warmth waited, and that was fine. I didn't know much of anything at the time, but I felt safe here. And that was enough.

_Rennio._

"Rennio!"

I heard her cry my name as soon as I started dashing in the opposite direction. I knew it then, I knew I should have stayed. But what else could I do? What was more important, her existence or my existence? Ezrem had told me so many times, so many times: I was the last of my species. If I were to die, there would never be another elekid or electabuzz or electivire.

This belief of almost being extinct had frozen my very being many times in the past. Because of this fear, I was unable to participate in battles, since there was always the possibility being hurt beyond repair. Because of this fear, death consumed my thoughts even in the safest of situations. Because of this fear, it was my goal in life to just be able to survive or create another one of my species.

But I was also able to understand the significance of oneself and others because of this fear. I knew that without my trainer, I could not have come as far I had. She was one who had nurtured me from the very start, and it was extremely important for me to repay my debt to her somehow. In the old days, I would usually just continue to be her baby pokémon, since that's what she wanted, that was what she was content with. Occasionally I'd have to be with her when she cried, and I'd cheer her on in battles from the sidelines…

But because of this fear, I also ran away from my trainer when she needed me most.

I ran past the tree branches that fell to the ground, trying to block my escape. My legs were short and, due to the quick pace that I was running at, started to ache soon after my dash. Despite this, I kept on going, and I didn't dare to look back, knowing that I'd have more regrets if I did.

To be honest, I had no idea where I was going, or even if I was truly saving myself. I just knew that standing still was not the answer unless I wanted death to come, which I certainly didn't.

I ran. The fire was closer than ever before now, and smoke was starting to invade my lungs every time I tried to inhale. My body tried to stop itself a few times so I could cough, but I wouldn't have any of it. I kept trudging forward despite myself, wavering from side to side as I did. Because of this, I got scorched by the fire a bit, and bumped into a few trees that were simply waiting to be devoured. I couldn't see where I was going at all.

Moments like these are recalled as blurs because everything looks the same, no matter how you think of it. There were flames everywhere I looked, I was scared no matter where I was, and I alone everywhere I ended up. So I have no idea how I made it to the end of the forest, the opposite side from where we entered. All I knew was that I must have been running an awfully long time with an awfully large stroke of luck following shortly behind. All I knew was that my startled eyes and burnt body and shrieking self must have alerted the guards at the building, because they soon ran into the forest themselves and put out the fire.

They scoured the entire forest from top to bottom. It wasn't hard, given the destruction. But in the end, only Ezrem and I were found. Annie and the others were nowhere to be seen.

A game.

Ring around the rosie, she called it.

The goal was to make yourself dizzy by spinning in a circle with other people in the group, ones you were holding hands with. Then, at the end, you were all supposed to fall together, laughing.

But she said—ashes, ashes.

She said she'd never let me fall, no matter what.

It was just a game. A kid's game, one she didn't expect me to understand.

I knew what she meant, deep down.

She left through ashes; I fell without laughing.

And remembering hurts.

I'm done.

But I can at least remember Ezrem without pain engulfing me. Ezrem, who has always been by my side. Even when he was teasing me, I knew that he wouldn't betray me for anything. And now that it was just the two of us, our bond was that much stronger.

I often wondered what would have happened had he passed away in the fire with everyone else. With me being far too dependent on others, I can't imagine that things would have gone well. I may have been crying forever, I may have gotten tangled up with a bad trainer, I may have gone off to die somewhere by myself due to some misfortune that I didn't see coming…

_Death._

Yes, Ezrem and Annie taught me all about death and the ephemeral thing that is life. I forgave him, as long as he stayed by my side.

And he did stay by my side. He explained to me his desire to return home, and it made perfect sense to me, given our situation. Who wouldn't want to go home after a long, grueling journey? He said he'd take me with him since I had nowhere else to go, and I was more than happy to oblige. His plan involved getting a new trainer, which also made sense to me, since there was no way for us to know the layout of the regions. To find a new trainer, we also agreed to stay in the forest. Not only had we learned that it was usually full of new trainers whose potential we could judge, there was always the hope in the back of our minds that said Annie would come back for us someday, somehow.

So we remained where we were, avoiding the burned side of the forest as well as we could. We stayed near the entrance, the one full of better memories, better times, which seemed so far away now. Ezrem taught me which berries in the forest were good for eating after I explained that the thought of killing a pokémon for food was unacceptable to me. Then it became my job to retrieve our food and water while Ezrem stayed near the entrance and watched for trainers. Warmth was an afterthought; we never made fires.

I'd come back with berries every day, and I'd stare at him expectedly. He always knew that my gaze asked the same question: had he found anyone with potential? Because we don't want just anybody.

He'd always look at me sadly, shaking his head.

"Someday, but not today," he'd say.

One day, I returned with berries and simply told Ezrem, "I'm scared."

He motioned for me to open my hands and dug his beak into the pile. Halfway through, he pulled back, finally realizing that I had said something.

"Scared of what?"

I signed. If anyone should know what I'm scared of, it should be Ezrem. "What if I die before I'm able to keep my species from going extinct?" I asked.

"Well," Ezrem said, swallowing though he had no berry in his mouth, "you just can't think like that, okay?"

"Why not? It's entirely possible."

"If you let the fear consume you, you are destined to fail!"

"I suppose." I paused. He was probably waiting for me to say something more, but I couldn't think of anything. I stared at the berries, and then said awkwardly, "Will you… feed me?"

"Feed you?" Ezrem stared at me, perplexed. "Rennio, you're not a baby anymore!"

"She used to feed me. Annie did."

Ezrem snickered, but I knew that he was just hiding the pain that came with me saying her name. He dug his beak into my hands again, pulling back and taking a berry from my hand. He leaned in toward me, seemingly handing it to me, but he moved back again and chewed it himself. I stood there, disappointed, but it wasn't like I wasn't expecting it.

"Listen, Rennio!" he said after he finished the berry. "I'll tell you what. You need more confidence. I want to teach you a catchphrase that you can have."

"A catchphrase?" I said, dumbfounded.

"A catchphrase. Every time you battle a pokémon, you must say you have come back to the world! Every time you come back from getting food and water, you must say you have come back to the world. As time goes on you'll say it in more and more situations. This will let everyone around you, including yourself, know that you are, indeed, alive, and that the elekid line lives on. Do you understand?"

"I-I think so," I said, shifting my feet uncomfortably. "The idea just seems silly to me."

"It may be silly, but babies do silly things. Now, if you want me to feed you like Annie used to, say it!"

I hesitated. I did need more confidence, but Ezrem's solution was just words. What power did words have? They didn't magically make me reproduce or cause elekid eggs to start lying around everywhere. They were just there to boost my ego, nothing more.

"Say it!" Ezrem said impatiently.

"I don't know…"

"Then I'm not feeding you."

And not only did I need more confidence, I needed Annie. As comforting as he was, Ezrem just didn't meet all my needs. If I could have just this, I would feel much, much better, and be able to move on for just a little while longer.

"Fine," I said, sighing. "I have come back to the world."

"Say your name and say it loudly, or no one will know who you are!"

"Rennio has come back to the world!"

Ezrem smiled. "Yes, yes you have," he said, taking the berries from me.

An unknown amount of time passed before the day we found Sai, before I felt like I really had returned to the world.

When I came back from searching for berries and shouting my silly catchphrase, I was expecting to find Ezrem still hiding behind bushes, watching. When I saw that instead, he was actually interacting with a trainer, I knew that something special was happening. Ezrem had finally found and picked someone!

I wasn't expecting, however, to be attacked by another pokémon. And I wasn't expecting Ezrem to get rejected, and for me to be welcomed with open arms. And I wasn't expecting for the new trainer to try to take my name away.

Overall, I was overcome with mixed emotions. I knew that a trainer battling wild pokémon to capture them was fairly ordinary, but it had just never happened to me, so I wasn't prepared in the slightest. The idea to defend myself hadn't come to me; I let Ezrem do all the work to protect me, as usual. And when he was rejected despite his noble actions, I thought about unfair it was to him—after all his hard work, he had finally come to a decision only to be shut down. My heart ached for him, but there was nothing I could think of that would help him except to go along with Sai like he requested.

And that's exactly what I did. I trusted Ezrem's judgment, his reasoning. Even after Sai told me I had no name, I decided that he was an ideal trainer. I was okay with not having a name in his eyes as long as I knew my own true self, and as long as Ezrem knew who I was, too. I would continue to identify myself the way Annie identified me, so that her memory could live on.

It was the least I could do for her.

And just like that, Ezrem and I found ourselves making our way to Goldenrod City for the second time. This time was, of course, much different. We were with different pokémon, a different trainer… We were with complete strangers. The air was slightly tenser, for some reason I could not decipher just by looking at or making small talk with the strangers. Perhaps they had just gone through some ordeal, too, though I could not imagine anything as bad as our story.

The atmosphere was also much quieter. With Annie, we were always talking about something or another. Since she could understand us after being with us for such a long time, there was never a dull moment with her. I decided, then, to try to get to know my new teammates, my new trainer.

"Why don't you guys tell us something about yourselves?" I said, talking to anyone who was willing to listen. I motioned over to Ezrem, making sure to include him in the conversations, too.

The three pokémon introduced themselves as Senori, Kuiora, and Atis. The names would be difficult to remember, but I'm sure I would learn them in time. I supposed that meant that he still thought I had no name, but he didn't say anything in protest.

"Another trainer that gives their pokémon funny names!" Ezrem cried, keeping up with the rest of the group, just as he had promised me. I looked up at Sai, and noticed that he was still ignoring Ezrem—even more so, as he wouldn't so much as glance at the bird.

"I do not have a funny name, thank you very much. I think it's quite pretty," Kuiora said, putting her small hands on her hips and glaring at Ezrem.

"It's hardly what I'd call pretty."

"You just say that before you're a boy, and things aren't pretty to you," Kuiora retorted.

"I don't mind mine," said Senori while the other two bickered. "I had a different one before, but I think I like this one better."

"You had a name before? What was it?" I asked, suddenly curious. So Sai had forced Senori to get a new name, but not me? He didn't make any sense to me so far, but I still respected him.

"It doesn't matter now. It was a long time ago," Senori replied, smiling softly.

"Oh." I decided not to press him. "What about you, Atis?" I asked, trying to include him, too, since he hadn't said much yet.

"I didn't have a name before…" he said shyly, keeping his head lowered toward the ground.

"Sai," I said, noticing our trainer hadn't said much, either, despite being able to understand us, "where do you get your names for us, then?"

"I… I knew some people with the same names. I don't know many other names or anything, so I use them," Sai said, looking down at me. He tried to smile but failed, as if he were recalling some painful memory. His answer seemed simple yet weird in my eyes for some reason I couldn't explain, so I didn't press him, either. Yes, there certainly was some pain surrounding this group, pain I didn't know about yet. I was sure it was just another thing I'd learn in time.

If it were up to me, suffering wouldn't exist. But it's part of what makes us who we are, and personally, I was glad to find others who had experienced pain just like I had. So far, my journey with our new trainer seemed hopeful; it seemed like it would be a journey toward healing and peace.

I smiled at Sai. When it looked like he didn't know how to respond, I said, "It was nice to meet you."

"It was nice to have met you, too…" said Sai, offering a slight smile back.

"I had a trainer once before," I said rather impulsively, catching myself off guard since I hadn't talked about Annie to anyone except Ezrem. "She was really nice."

"Yeah? Maybe she can travel with us sometime if we run into her," Sai said, suddenly appearing hopeful and excited. I didn't blame him, I really didn't—Annie would be a great traveling companion if she were alive—but his words stung.

"She won't be able to. She passed away a while ago," I said, now looking down at the ground.

"Oh. Well, it looks like it'll just be me and my pokémon, then… The trainer back there and his sister didn't want to travel with me, either," he said sadly, his eagerness fading. I let the conversation go once more, regretting bringing it up. I made a mental note to myself, saying that I would have to inquire and learn more about these little things that I let go now, but was still curious about.

We kept walking from there, making more small talk about things that were less significant to me. I noticed that Kuiora kept quite close to Ezrem, probably because she still thought he was a legendary pokémon for some reason or another. I thought it was amusing and chuckled at him a few times, only to have him glare at me and shut me up rather quickly.

Occasionally, a wild pokémon would attack and I would get to see my new teammates battle. While they seemed somewhat strong, I knew that had a long way to go compared to me and Ezrem. I vaguely wondered how impressed Sai would be once he battled with us (assuming he'd eventually warm up to Ezrem and want him on the team), but I was also overly pleased with the fact that he didn't ask me to fight even once. A fear of battling accompanied my fear of death and injury, so I didn't want to fight if I could help it. Annie never made me do anything I didn't want to, but with Sai, it could have been different. I supposed I would have to wait and see.

I noticed that Sai fed us plenty of food and made sure we were satisfied with a place to sleep. A few peaceful nights passed before we neared the end of the forest. Given mine and Ezrem's past, I was also relieved about how our trek through Ilex Forest was rather uneventful. The only thing that particularly stood out to me was the damaged areas of the forest. They brought back haunting memories, mixed feelings, and an overwhelming desire to leave. Luckily, that's exactly what we were going to do, and soon, I knew, since I recognized the forest's exit. When we were close enough, I turned one final time to the destruction that caused me so much anguish, and said good-bye. I pretended to be walking beside Annie as I believed I was returning to the world, to our journey, starting with Goldenrod City.


	12. influence

chapter 12 ; [ATIS]

influence

He felt like progress.

…Sometimes, anyway. I couldn't tell most of the time.

On one hand, I had been able to leave Earl and the wild kids that attended the Violet City pokémon school, just like I wanted. I was no longer able to stand giving myself up to the concept of pokémon training day after day, and Sai rescued me from that when I needed him most. But traveling with Sai was partly like being part of my nightmares, where we were training for the sake of training, getting badges for the sake of having them, and not having any future goal in mind. The other half of the journey consisted of being free, of being able to explore the world and see it for what it is. And that was what I liked. I wanted Sai to be able to contribute to the world in some way that didn't involve pokémon, and he was beginning to do that by slowing down his journey, but… Well, yes, Sai felt like progress—but only sometimes.

And somehow, I know that pokémon don't often get a second chance to choose their trainers. I can only count on one hand the amount of situations that could offer a second chance, and I don't even have that many fingers. More importantly, neither scenario is pretty: a trainer either dies or abandons his pokémon. As much as I despised being the pokémon of a trainer, I wouldn't wish that upon myself or anyone else.

But Marty, when he came along, he presented what originally seemed to be unthinkable to a trainer, people who normally can't stand being separated from their partners. He forced Sai into reconsidering his choice in pokémon. He forced Sai into thinking about our opinions and desires and dreams. And Sai gave us a choice—to stay or go! The choice to go or stay, it was as simple as that, really, and not one that many trainers would have the guts to offer.

When it was my turn to decide and answer, I wasn't sure what to say. Again, Sai felt like progress, but was it enough to me? Was it worth it to stay until the boy finished his journey and had to find something else to do with his life? Was it worth it to leave and try to make it on my own in a society where pokémon are nothing more than pets or tools of violence? I weighed my options right then and there, but I was very limited on time. I simply said that I needed time to think about it, and at least it was true.

So, when were making our way to Goldenrod City, I knew I still had a choice to make. Though Sai seemed strict and set in his ways, I knew that he wouldn't honestly take my choice away from me if I decided to bring it up again. He was clearly following someone else's rules and setting his own aside, only allowing them to be set free when he deemed it safe and perhaps necessary. I felt that, this far into the journey, I could say this with certainty, when my life was anything but certain…

It seemed especially so when Sai suddenly stopped walking, when I was expecting him to keep going and going until he reached the gym, even if it took all his energy and hours and hours of no sleep. It wouldn't be out of character for him, anyway. But he stopped, and I crashed into the back of his legs accidentally.

"Sai?" I said. He was glancing at a lone building in front of us. It was surrounded by a short white fence where cries of happy and playful pokémon could be heard inside. The sign ahead read: Daycare Center—We Take Care of All Pokémon! After the previous ordeal, I vaguely wondered if he was considering abandoning us here, but the thought fled from my mind just as quickly as it came. I also knew that he wouldn't do that…

"A daycare is a place where people or pokémon stay and get taken care of, right? Fed and bathed and stuff?" he asked, turning toward Senori. I wondered how Senori would know, but didn't say anything, as usual.

"I don't know," Senori admitted, "but we can always go inside and ask, if you're really curious."

"I am," Sai said, moving forward now to the door. I followed closely behind him, careful not to have the chance of bumping into him again.

When we got inside, there was an older woman sitting behind a counter, reading a book. She glanced up at us and immediately stood and smiled as if she hadn't had any visitors in years. Perhaps she was lonely after being only with pokémon. I would be lonely, too, if I was stuck with them for an extended period of time.

"Hello!" she said, putting her hands together and holding them up to her face gleefully. "Welcome to the daycare center! How can I help you?"

"You take care of pokémon, right?" Sai said, not even bothering to greet her.

"Yes, me and my husband take care of pokémon here. He's out in the back giving a young pichu a bath right now"—so maybe she wasn't lonely after all, I thought, and smiled, too—"and that's just one example of what we do here. If you need a vacation day, we're here for you! If your pokémon wants a unique place to train, this is a place to do it. We're here for any reason you made need our services."

"Ah, yes…" Sai said, taking his backpack off and rummaging through it. "I caught a bunch of magikarp the other day. I know I can't carry more than six pokémon, and I know I won't be using them on my team, so…"

"So you want us to take care of them?" the older lady finished for him.

"Exactly," Sai said. He took out one pokéball and placed it on the counter. He went through his backpack again and pulled out another pokéball. And another. And another… In total, I counted about twenty of them. The older lady looked stunned rather than eager now.

"Son, do you know how much it's going to cost for us to keep all of these magikarp?" she asked.

Sai looked down to the ground, and I could see that his face was turning red. "I don't know why I caught them. I mean, I was going to use them for food… but I thought about it and that didn't seem like a good idea…"

"You were going to eat them?"

"Yeah… I mean, yeah, isn't that normal?"

"I'm glad you changed your mind," she said, ignoring his question. "But it will cost a lot for you to leave them here, depending on how long it takes you to come back for them."

"I don't intend on coming back."

"You don't?"

"I have no use for them. I know they're probably expecting a trainer to take care of them, and this is my way of showing them that they were in my thoughts. I hope you understand. They were in an old, small cave with terrible water before, and here, maybe they'll be treated better."

"So you're giving them to us to keep."

"I will give you anything. I will pay you now if you want instead," Sai said, looking through his backpack again, probably for money.

"That would be acceptable," she said, and told him how much it would cost. As soon as she told him, Sai paused while looking through his backpack, as if he was reconsidering his choice, but he went through with it and paid the older lady. He had a strained look on his face. I wondered if he was guilty for spending money after carelessly buying so much in Azalea Town.

But that became an afterthought as we left and kept heading toward our destination. I kept repeating the scene over and over in my head and noted that Sai could let go of pokémon—if he really tried.

I supposed that was a start.

Goldenrod City surely lived up to its name. The outside of each building was built with yellow bricks, save for the pokémon center, which looked like every other one we had seen so far: made of a grey exterior with a red roof, and a medical sign on the top to indicate the building's purpose. Even the shopping center looked different than the others we had seen so far. Getting closer, I could tell that instead of it being a normal mart, it was an entire mall, with several floors and various types of sales inside. Several people were walking in, while others were walking out with bags in hand.

"This city is huge," Kuiora pointed out as we kept walking around, getting ourselves familiar with the area we would be in for at least the next few days.

"It is! I wonder what they need all these buildings for, anyway," Senori said.

"There's a gambling place," I said, reading the sign of the building we had just passed. I kept reading them as we went by. "And a radio tower. A flower shop, a bowling alley… Regular houses…"

It occurred to me, then, that I should try to take Sai around the town and expose him to these other places unrelated to pokémon, to at least expose him to other ideas out there in the world. It was worth a shot, anyway. The worst case scenario would be that Sai would despise everything and anything about each place, but the boy seemed to be excited about every little thing back in Azalea Town, so that was unlikely. Still, I could tell that he was slowing down quite a bit. I would have to observe his new tired behavior so that I could get used to it, and not be as negatively affected by it as I was by his previous outburst.

"Sai?" I said again, though this time I didn't bump into his leg. Instead, I pulled on his pants leg, trying to get his attention as best as I could. I wasn't used to trying to get another person's attention, and didn't know how much was too much or how much was too little. Still, my efforts seemed to work as he stopped to peer down at me expectantly, saying nothing in order to let me speak. "After we go to the pokémon center, why don't we… you know… actually explore the town more thoroughly? I mean… if you're okay with that, that is…"

"Like go into the buildings and stuff?"

"Yes!" I said a little too loudly. He was understanding me pretty well; things were going smoothly so far already. "Um, again, if that's all right with you."

Sai hesitated for a moment, lost in thought. After a few moments of silence and awkward staring, he finally said, "Sure, if that's what you want. I want to go to the gym first to set up a battle appointment first, but I'll make it happen in two weeks."

Though this was clearly not like his ordinary self, I was cheering on the inside.

Within the hour, it was official: the gym battle would take place two weeks from today. Since we were already so close to the gym, we stopped by to set up Sai's "appointment." I didn't know why he felt compelled to schedule the gym battle, since what we had done so far was just approach the gym leader when we were ready, but he simply explained that he was following the rules now that he knew them better. As his pokémon, I felt obligated to go along with him, so I stayed quiet.

That night, we stayed in the pokémon center, with all of us staying in the same room. Sai explained that although he was earning money from winning pokémon battles with trainers, he didn't have enough anymore to cover the cost of all of us having our own room after the encounter with the daycare lady. None of us complained, as this was nothing new to us, though there were whispers about what we'd do about food. I lay on the top bunk, as always, remembering how he knew this about me, and fell asleep wondering what else he knew and kept to himself.

The day after, the first place I took him to was the shopping mall. With the building being as large as it was, surely there was something unrelated to pokémon inside. And I was right. While there were floors dedicated to supplies and pokémon food, there were sections for clothes, gifts, candy, video games, music, movies, and much more.

"You can buy us more shirts," Kuiora said casually, walking behind Sai to stay close to Ezrem, who was just peering around, exploring the place like everyone else.

"You can have one, but I don't want one," Senori said. "The last one covered my tail and made things feel really weird for me."

I wouldn't have minded a shirt to feel more human, but I said nothing and watched as Sai looked around, trying to decide where to go first. I tried to push him toward the movie section since he was having trouble choosing, but he said, "I've never seen a movie in my life. I don't know."

"You've never seen a movie before?" said Rennio, who was also standing close to Ezrem. I was just glad it was the bird and not me. "Even me and Ezrem have seen a movie before. We saw one about a boy and a girl who wanted to erase their memories of each other, but then changed their minds and had to go through a lot of trouble to remember each other."

"It sounds interesting… People make up things like that?"

"Yeah. Watching movies is something every human should do," Rennio added, nodding.

"I don't think it'd be appropriate to see one… Maybe some other time," Sai said after a moment, and I stopped pushing him in that direction. The last thing I wanted to do was make him uncomfortable. Instead, I offered to take him to the gift shop. Surely he had someone back home to think of, even if he didn't speak about his home too often.

"There's one person," he said, his voice quiet. "I don't know what she'd like…"

"That's the point of shopping—to look around and see!" I said, pushing him over there. Where I was getting this energy and motivation from, I didn't know, but it was nice. This time, he accepted and didn't complain.

When we finally got over there, he glanced at the various items that were stocked on the shelves. There were picture frames, bobble heads, cards, a section for the cheapest little trinkets, plush dolls. Kuiora was glancing through the shelves as well, finding a totodile plush doll and hugging it tightly to herself.

"Look at this, Ezrem! This is what I used to look like! Don't I look much tougher now?" she said, looking at him expectantly.

"Yes, yes you do," Ezrem said, smiling at her.

Senori was following Sai, probably eager to see what he'd choose. The sentret was always watching out for our trainer, I noticed, and that was for the best, seeing as how I couldn't properly do it myself…

Eventually, I caught up to the two of them and started following Sai, too. He was roaming the aisles, lingering at some of them and not others. He didn't appear to be interested in anything in particular until he came across the shelf with pieces of various outdoor equipment. There were tents, pieces of sports equipment, and a shelf for all of the smaller items, like pocket knives. And that's exactly what he picked up: a pocket knife. He held it out in his outstretched hands, turning it over and over in his palm.

"You want that for her?" I asked incredulously.

"That's not a very girly gift, you know," Senori said, folding his arms and smiling.

"She's a fan of weapons," said Sai.

"Sounds dangerous," Senori said, his grin disappearing from his face.

"Hmm," was all he replied with.

"Everyone's got a secret," Ezrem said, coming up behind me and scaring me to the point where I almost jumped. My body turned in his direction, my breath quickly accelerating at his presence. I didn't know if there were any ill feelings about attacking his partner, and quite frankly, his cunning personality frightened me considerably.

"W-What do you mean?" I asked. I was losing my confidence rather quickly. At least I had gotten Sai to think about something other than the gym, but now Ezrem was here.

"Who knows what he really wants to do with that knife?" he said. He fluffed up his feathers and pretended like what he was saying was nothing, though the thought seemed sinister to me, even though I didn't think Sai was a sinister person. "There's a secret in everyone, in every place! I bet plenty of people have stolen from this mall. My old trainer used to do so when she was out of money and desperate for food!"

"W-Well, we're not stealing anything… even though we're low on money…" I said in Sai's defense, though in my opinion, I was doing poorly. Apparently, Ezrem thought so, too.

"I'm just saying," Ezrem said. "How well do you really know your trainer?"

Not very well, I thought, but kept my mouth shut.

"Ezrem, be nice," said Kuiora, who had been listening in on the conversation and had been giggling up until now.

"I am always nice! I'm just saying that I'd like to know my trainer real well, so I'm watching Sai."

"You're scaring Atis."

"It's not my problem if he gets scared so easily," Ezrem retorted, grinning.

"Well, I don't care. Just shut up. You're not even Sai's pokemon," Kuiora said, going back to her childish ways, though I was thankful for it.

Needless to say, Ezrem went quiet after that comment. He watched Sai like a bird always seems to watch its prey. He made sure that Sai bought the pocketknife, and that was the end of the journey in the mall, since I couldn't bring myself to push him anywhere else.

The next day, I brought him to the flower shop because the place sounded pretty innocent compared to the mall, where there was so many things to look at and consider. Ezrem wouldn't be able to bring me down this time.

The flower shop was at the north end of the city, so I made sure to wake them all up early, though I wanted to stay at the top of the bunk and rest a little while longer. So did Sai, as it took quite a lot of shaking to get him to finally wake up, which was odd considering he never seemed to sleep. Now it seemed that he slept too much.

On the way to the flower shop, the aroma of the city changed. Before, the city air was polluted and not very appealing when breathed in. Now, the air smelled much more pleasant and inviting, which made me feel like we were going to a good place, one where we would all feel comfortable.

Inside we discovered the source of the beautiful aroma. There was a bunch of women, each of them doing their own chores within the shop. One was water the various plants, another was placing them in a satisfactory order, another waited at the counter, looking at us expectantly. From the look on her ecstatic face, I could tell that she didn't get many men coming into the shop.

"Would you like to buy any flowers today?" she asked sweetly, cupping her hands together and holding them behind her back.

"Maybe," Sai said quickly, and the rest of the group seemed to take that as permission to look around and see what they wanted. Kuiora was attracted to the blue flowers immediately, with Ezrem and Rennio following close behind. Senori went to the red flowers, and I stood by the yellow ones. Sai roamed around the shop, coming to each of us at least once.

When he reached Kuiora the second time, he picked out a blue flower, bent down a bit to see her face to face, and gave it to her, smiling.

"For you," he said.

"Why?" she said, but she was reaching out nonetheless.

"For being my pokémon, of course," he said as she took it from him.

One by one, he came to each of us and gave us a flower from the vases that we were standing by, and thanked us for being his pokémon. He even went over to Ezrem and thanked him for joining us, which was surprising to all of us considering the past rejection, but none of us protested. Then, he went to all of the individual ladies in the store and gave them one, too, saying, "You give out flowers every day, but how many times do you have flowers given to you?"

After seeing our trainer be so kind, I had to say that I was impressed. Senori must have noticed, too, as he decided to join in on the giving atmosphere and took out a red flower for Sai, trying to hand it to him.

"I don't deserve one, but thank you," Sai said. He took the flower from Senori's hand, but then put it back into the vase, where he thought he belonged. Then he went up to the counter and paid for the flowers that he had given us and the ladies.

"You should take a vase with you, too, to put them in," the lady at the counter offered, handing an empty one to him.

"What do I do with it?" Sai asked.

"Fill it with water and put the flowers in there so they don't die. It's on us, since you were so kind."

"It's okay. You don't have to give me this."

"We want to!" she said, smelling the blue flower in her hand and smiling.

"Well, it's just a vase, right? Okay," he said, finally giving into something. "Thank you, too."

"Our pleasure," said the lady at the counter.

The next day, I didn't take Sai anywhere. I decided to take a day for myself, since this idea of taking charge of my life for once was absolutely draining on me. I stayed in the bunk all day as the others lounged around and talked. Sai filled the vase he got from the flower shop with water and put all the flowers we had bought into it. It didn't look like a pretty bouquet, as the color combination wasn't appealing with three blue flowers, one yellow, and one red. But I lay in bed all day looking at it and I smiled to myself anyway. After being rejected by Sasha and Marty, Sai had gotten the human interaction that he so desperately needed. And maybe even more important than that, he was showing us that he appreciated us for being with him. I thought, again, about my choice to stay or go. I was cherished where I was, there was no doubt. Sai wasn't out to maliciously harm me or anything by wanting to do pokémon training; it was his own preference, and it just happened to be a preference that was similar to most others' in the world. I decided to just keep going with my plan, to keep spending time with Sai and the others, and then I would give myself more time to decide. This wasn't something that I could rush. No, this wasn't something I had to rush at all…

I thought that maybe I'd regret it later, but I took him to the casino after the flower shop. I'd heard horror stories of people becoming addicted to gambling and losing all of their money, but I thought that we had nothing left to lose, being so low on money, anyway. And Sai didn't seem like the type to get addicted to one thing, but instead to a bunch of things.

"This place is loud," Rennio complained the moment we got inside. And indeed, it was loud. The sound of coins clanging against each other and on machines filled the air. Victory music was playing at some machines, but not others. There was angry shouting and cries of joy all at once. Yes, this place seemed to fit Sai perfectly, since he was happy one moment and furious the next and then seemingly sad. At least he seemed interested, but he was also completely lost.

"I have no idea what to do," he admitted sheepishly.

"You've never heard of a casino before, either?" Ezrem cried, trying to be heard over the musical building.

"Nope."

"Well, then. I know the perfect place for you to start," Ezrem said, and I instantly forgave him for the ordeal at the shopping mall since he was choosing to take charge. He navigated the rows of games and slot machines, trying to find whatever it was that he was looking for. Eventually, we reached a table that had a wheel on top of it. The wheel consisted of black and red lines with various numbers on them. People were crowded around the table, murmuring excitedly.

"Roulette," was all Ezrem said at first. When Sai still seemed confused, he continued, "You make bets on what color you think the ball will land on. Or you can bet on what kind of number the ball will land on. Whatever you want!"

"Sounds easy," Sai said, walking up to the table and joining everyone else.

"Exactly!" said Ezrem, clearly proud of himself.

So Sai joined in on the next bet, with all of us sitting at the edge of table and watching intently. Most people were making complicated bets to try to get more money. They offered thirty pokédollars if the ball landed on a red number between one and eighteen, for example. But Sai focused on simplicity.

"It will land on black," was all he said at first. When he was instructed to place money on the table to bet with, he did so, though he was reluctant. He looked at me, and I knew he was silently asking why I didn't tell him we would be spending more money. I shrugged my shoulders, pretending that I didn't know. The others encouraged him to put the money down anyway.

It turned out that Sai didn't have to worry too much about money. In fact, it was the opposite. He ended up winning his first bet, and made a profit off of it. Then he won again. And again, with his simple bets. I wondered how he was so good at guessing when his chances were so low and there was no way that anyone could possibly win every time he played. Well, he did lose about once or twice, but that was it. In the end, he still made more than he lost. It reminded me of the dice he always carried around with him. When he introduced himself as my new trainer, he had instructed me to roll the dice, somehow knowing that the outcome of the roll would show a three—and sure enough, two black dots and one black dot showed up. How did he know? Was his intuition that reliable for him? As I watched him bet on red or black and win again and again, that seemed like the most plausible explanation.

I didn't know how much Sai had earned from his adventures here at the casino, but he was smiling at the end, saying, "Now I don't have to feel guilty for spending so much money at the daycare or at the flower shop. We can have food and a room at the pokémon center still!"

And that was all that mattered to him. He didn't even want to leave and explore the rest of the place, he just wanted to win money at the game he was at. His childish eagerness over adult-like responsibilities made me giggle, which got me some odd looks from the others. I ignored them—was the image of a giggling hitmontop really that funny? It probably was, and the image of myself made me giggle again as we left, pokédollars still in Sai's hands.

On the last day of our thorough exploration of Goldenrod City, I decided to take him to the radio tower. I didn't know that it would be the last place we would be able to go. I just knew that Earl always used to listen to the radio back in Violet City, and the people on air always had something to say. There seemed to be no end to the amount of things they could share and laugh about. This, to me, was a good thing to show Sai. But my plan backfired.

Once again, I woke everyone up early because we had discovered that the radio tower was at the northern end of the city, like the flower shop. I wanted to make sure we had enough time to get to that part of the city and then browse the radio tower. Sai was more eager to get up today than he had been before, I noted, probably because of yesterday's winning adventure.

When we arrived there, the man at the counter explained that the place was free. There wouldn't be much to see, he said, because maintenance was being performed upstairs and we weren't. allowed to go any higher than the first floor. Once the man let us go, we thanked him and wandered around inside. Of course, there wasn't much to see on the first floor. The place looked like the inside of any other building. The only striking feature I could see was that the counter that the man was at extended throughout the entire room, and even more people were behind the counter, looking at us expectantly and smiling warmly. One of them wore headphones and had an interesting, complex piece of machinery in front of them, but that was about it. There were stairs leading upstairs, but we weren't sure whether or not we could go up, despite having paid to be here.

"Well," Sai said dumbly. "This is it."

"I guess so…" I said, disappointed, despite the warning we had received.

"Don't look so forlorn, boy!" called the guy who had the headphones on. "Come over here!"

Sai obeyed instantly, and the rest of us followed. We got a closer look at the machinery the guy had. There was a microphone to accompany the headphones, and the flat part of the machine had a ton of buttons and words on it to indicate what each button did. I couldn't read any of them upside down, though.

"Hello, guys!" the man behind the counter continued. I wondered why he was talking so loud, when we were right in front of him, clearly able to hear. "Welcome to the radio tower! I know you can't go upstairs, so you're probably wondering why you came here…"

"Definitely," Kuiora butted in, peaking her head up over the counter. I winced.

"Well, you may not be able to look around the rest of the place, but you can get your spot on the radio right here! See this jar we have here?" he said, pointing to it. I hadn't noticed it before. It was a small jar that had some pokédollars in it. "If you pay a small amount of money, I'll record your voice so it appears on the radio. You can say just about anything you want!"

"Anything we want?" said Ezrem, who was now peering next to Kuiora.

"Well, almost anything. You must be appropriate, of course!"

"Nevermind," said Ezrem, backing down from the counter.

"What about the rest of you? Some people just like to vent and complain, others say hi to their families, others talk about their pokémon… Why, just the other day, someone even came here just to mention that they had seen a Team Rocket member floating around the city recently," he said, his voice growing quieter.

I could feel Sai tense up next to me almost instantly.

"T-Team Rocket?" he said.

"Yeah, the group of bad guys that took over—"

"I'm sorry, but we need to go now," Sai said. He was turned around and walking before he was even done speaking. The man watched him go along with the rest of us.

"Are you guys confused? Because I'm confused," Senori said to break the silence.

"Well, what are we waiting for? We have to listen to him! Let's go!" Kuiora said, pulling along Ezrem, who pulled on one of the plugs on top of Rennio's head.

Senori and I listened to her, knowing better than to deny her wishes. Senori waved good-bye to the man behind the counter and apologized for his trainer's behavior.

When we were back out in the city air, we struggled to keep up. Since Kuiora, Ezrem, and Rennio got a head start, they had an easier time following Sai back to the pokémon center. We tried not to lose them, all the while wondering what was happening to Sai this time.

"Do you know what's wrong with him?" Senori asked me, then started running on all fours, seeing that his thoughts were keeping us further and further behind. I shook my head and started running.

At the pokémon center, it was at least easy to find our room from the front lobby, since we'd gone done that hallway several times before. This time, though, none of us could get in because the door was locked. We all sat outside in complete silence, none of us daring to disturb our trainer. Eventually, though, Sai showed his face again.

"Atis?" he said, peering out into the hallway through a small crack in the door.

"Y-Yes?" I said, trying to stand up, but my feet were wobbly. I was the one responsible for this situation, yet I didn't know how to take full responsibility. The idea was unfavorable to me, to say the least.

"Come in here, please," he said softly, which calmed my nerves a bit, but not by much. I stumbled over Kuiora's tail and she squealed. I apologized lamely, thinking now that neither the hallway nor the room was where I wanted to be. Sai seemed like the least threatening, so I just went into the room and quickly shut the door behind me before Kuiora could yell at me.

"Atis," Sai said again.

I simply nodded, afraid to speak.

"I'm sorry, but we'll have to go to the gym as soon as possible now. Forget the appointment," Sai went on. "These people are following me. I just know it."

"W-Who's… following you, Sai?" I dared to ask.

Sai was quiet, then he spoke after a few moments: "Do you want to be closer to me or something? Are you feeling like the others are getting more attention or something? I didn't know. You should have told me."

I looked up, caught off guard. "N-No, that's not—"

"I don't know how to be close to people. Or pokémon, for that matter," he said solemnly, ignoring me. "I'm not allowed to be close to anyone, so it's fine. I guess. But if that's what you want…"

I waited for him to go on, but he didn't. He looked at me, his dark blue eyes full of sadness. The panic that he was in at the radio tower had vanished.

He went over to the bed and started rummaging through his backpack. He pulled out a marker, which I didn't even know he had. It made me think that there was no end to the amount of things in his backpack, just like there was no end to the things to the radio.

"I use it to practice writing sometimes," he said. "I don't know what to do. It might sound weird, I know. I don't know. We can share a secret about each other, all right? You share one secret, and I'll share one of mine. You can read my secret, but I won't read yours. You can write it on my back, and I'll write yours on a piece of paper, since you don't wear shirts."

"Um," was all I could think to say. A secret? About me? About my trainer? I had mixed feelings, as I usually did. I had never told anyone a secret about me since I was too shy. But it would be nice to know my trainer a bit more, and maybe it could help me make my decision…

"This could make us feel closer, you know? Since that's what you want," Sai went on. He went over to the table in the corner of the room, and picked up the piece of paper that had been lying there since the day we rented out the room. It had all of the pokémon center's housing rules on it, but he took the marker and wrote over the words. Soon, I would be able to read those words, whatever they were. I noted that it took him a long time to write, as if writing each letter was agonizing for him.

When he was done, he took off his shirt. Since Earl had always told me I shouldn't look at his body out of self-consciousness, I turned to look away from Sai as well. But then Sai came closer to me and bent down, making it hard to not see him. He handed me the marker and nodded.

"This is…" I said, trailing off. I didn't know how to put it. It was weird, writing on a human's back, was it not? Would it stay there forever? What if someone else saw? Couldn't I just not write a secret, and Sai would never know?

But Sai seemed so calm compared to his panicky demeanor at the radio tower. I wanted to keep him calm. So I took the marker and wrote on his back as quickly as I could to get the awkwardness over with. I didn't even have to think about what I wrote: _I wish I was human._

Yes, I did wish I was a human. If I were human, I would do my absolute best to get rid of my shy demeanor. I'd travel the entire world, see what each city and town had to offer. I'd meet all the great kinds of people out there, and all the terrible kinds of people, too. I wouldn't have pokémon to protect me; I'd protect myself. And as I traveled, I'd find out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I wished the same for Sai.

I had believed that I had done a good job of finally forcing myself to do something I wanted in life. I had believed that I was doing a good thing for Sai by showing him around the city, proving him that there was more to like than the pokémon that constantly followed him around. Perhaps I had been wrong, because now he was being paranoid. Now he seemed to be crazy again, thinking someone was stalking him, watching his every move. This seemed completely illogical to me, but there was nothing I could say to prove it to him. All I could think was that, at the end of the day, his life revolved around this journey for the gym badges. To him, there was nothing else, and though it bothered me, I couldn't change him. His emotions and passion were fierce, his eyes set on one goal and one goal only. Still, I would wait out my decision. It wasn't anything that I had to declare right now, and truthfully, I was afraid of deciding, anyway.

To thankfully distract me, Sai handed me the piece of paper he had written on, and turned to look away from me. I went to read it, both terrified and drawn to the idea at the same time—

_I am always sick._


	13. automatic

chapter 13 ; [RENNIO]

automatic

I had only been with Sai for a few days now, and already I could spot the many differences between him and Annie. For one, Sai was just weird. He'd never seen a movie before? Annie couldn't leave a city without watching at least one. He bought knives as gifts? Okay, Annie might have done that, too, but I always thought she was silly for it, while she said it was a joke. Sai was clearly serious. And then there was the part where Sai fled out of nowhere! He seemed so easily frightened, and Annie was fearless. Were the two of them even from the same planet? It didn't seem very likely.

Despite this, he was a good trainer—he kept us fed, sheltered, and was guilty when he felt he couldn't take care of us. And I was glad to learn more about him. I was always glad to learn something about people. I had much to learn about the world, I knew, and being with this new team was helping me. I also learned more about religion thanks to Kuiora and her constantly following of Ezrem. She worshipped him, no doubt. I didn't know how Ezrem was so special, though, but I didn't say anything. And I learned that Atis was quiet, but I still have yet to figure out why. I hope someday to get him to talk to me.

Senori, he told me his story about his old clan after I told him about Annie. We had been walking to the north side of town, to the flower shop that day.

"So there are others out there like me," I said to him, trying to cheer him up after he kept looking down to the ground solemnly.

"What do you mean?" he said, peering up.

"There are pokémon—and probably people—out there who carry around an endless amount of guilt, and try to hide it," I said. "It feels good to be understood, to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt understood before…"

"Well," Senori started, "if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I like to take care of others, so you're on the right team."

I thought so, too.

Over the past few days, the idea of the team being carried around by a ton of pain had… slightly gone away. With Senori and me, there was clearly a lot of pain. There was pain with Ezrem, too, but he hid it a lot better. And there was clearly something bothering Atis and Kuiora and Sai, but they showed me that they could forget about their suffering under the right circumstances. In their cases, they needed proper distractions, and then they seemed fine. I wondered how they felt, then, when reality came crashing down on them.

I decided to figure it out on my own rather than asking. Asking could be too personal, after all. "So what is it like to be happy, and then have your life come flying back into view out of nowhere?" I wanted to know, but that wouldn't go over too well. So I kept an eye on the people and pokémon around as we went from place to place every day. I kept mental notes to myself, notes about every happy instance that I saw.

A little green pokémon that looked suspiciously like one of the plush dolls we saw helped an older lady find her way to the shopping mall, as she was obviously lost, what with her going around in circles and everything. The little green pokémon helped the lady, and then went back to her trainer, receiving praise. That was happiness, I thought, being able to help others in their time of need. But who could I help at this moment? Senori was supposed to help me, so that didn't make sense. I didn't know the others well enough yet to determine whether they needed me. So I tried to lead Ezrem to all the places that we went to, tried to stay in front of him and tell him to follow me, but he brushed me off, scoffing each and every time. Still, I was glad to be with him.

Something else I saw: a human saying hello to everyone and anyone he passed by on the street. Those he said hi to had originally been staring down at the ground rather emotionlessly, but as soon as they were acknowledged, they had a giant smile on their faces. I started saying hello to everyone, too. The pokémon I said hello to waved or said hello back, while the humans just looked at me, confused. I stopped once Kuiora told me that not every human was like Sai, that not all of them could understand pokémon—but it was an interesting experience for me nonetheless.

Finally, I saw a most peculiar thing: a pokémon carrying another pokémon. The larger pokémon, the one who was doing the carrying, almost looked like a human, but its skin was blue in color, and it wasn't wearing any clothes aside from a black belt around its waist. Its muscles were also fairly big compared to a human's. The smaller pokémon was a simple purple rodent. My best guess was that it was injured somehow, probably from battle. Well, I could certainly sympathize with the rodent, and I left it at that.

The rest of the city seemed sad, or emotionless, somehow.

So, what did I learn in Goldenrod City? I learned that people came and went… They interacted with each other, sometimes on a superficial level, and sometimes on a deeper level that only the people in question could understand… But why they interacted with others, I could only guess. Maybe it was to ease themselves in thinking they were important. Maybe they just liked the way others made them feel. And maybe they did it because they simply felt they had to, like it was a rule that all humans faced.

In the end, I knew the truth: Annie was gone. I was still coming to terms with it, and it was hard, when everything reminded me of her. Even the way that the city air smelled reminded me of the many other places we had been. But there was nothing that I could do to bring her back, as much as I wanted to. There was nothing I could do to erase the fire, to erase our search for a new trainer, to erase the surprise and grief that accompanied us fully. All I had were memories to think of from time to time, when I felt I could handle it. So now I knew: when reality crashed back down on me, it felt like… being kissed by her ghost—as if she were kissing me on the cheek, calling me her baby, like she used to—and having her promising me that the distance between us was nothing.

It didn't take long, though, for my suffering to increase tenfold…

Originally, Sai had planned for the gym battle to take place in two weeks. Two weeks! That gave me plenty of time to try to prepare mentally, in case he wanted me to fight. And while looking for happy pokémon and people, that's partly what I did. Happiness could maybe keep the nerves from getting to me when the time came. I wished that I could say I was sure, but it had been far too long since I battled. The last time I had battled was against Ezrem when he had said something to offend me—whatever it was had escaped my mind now that I had forgiven him—and he knew better than anyone about my fear, so he went easy on me…

That wasn't very likely to happen in a gym battle, against two people who were very, very determined to defeat each other. Then again, I hadn't seen Sai's fighting style, nor much of the Johto region's gym leader. I just didn't know what to think.

Needless to say, I was surprised when Sai announced that we would be going to the pokémon gym the day after we visited the radio tower. A while after calling Atis inside by himself for whatever reason, he gathered us all back into the room and sat us down to talk about it.

"After today, I've decided to forget about the appointment and just go," he explained.

"But why?" I couldn't help but blurt out. Maybe it was childish of me—no, it definitely was—but it just wasn't fair!

"I know you're new, Rennio, so you don't know, right? We've been flying through the cities up until now. We've gotten the last two gym badges without problem. So we have to continue doing that, okay?" he said, trying to be reassuring. My nervousness must have been shining through somehow.

I thought that Ezrem would say something in protest, but apparently he didn't think it was his place to speak. And none of the other pokémon said anything, either—they were used to this already, and accepted it for what it was.

But I couldn't accept it. That night, I lay in the bottom bunk with everyone else, too anxious to sleep. And I wasn't even sure if Sai would use me in battle or not! But what if he did? What if he used me in battle after all and I got hurt? What if I got injured so badly that I died, or had to be carried like that purple rodent? Who would carry me, then, and help me? Was there any help for me? There was just no telling what would happen to me tomorrow, and it killed me.

I huddled up next to Ezrem, wishing for Annie's warmth, and didn't sleep at all.

In the morning, we went to the Goldenrod City pokémon gym… just as planned. I tried to distract myself by finding more happy things in people and pokémon outside, but we were going far too fast for me to be able to pay attention to others and still keep up with everyone else. When we got there, I was more nervous than ever.

Next distraction: the inside of the building. It almost felt like a maze, and an inviting one at that! Like the flower shop, the aroma inside was nice. Several plants lined the walls and the ground, and the walls were colored white with various shades of pink. Every time we walked to the end of a path and turned onto a new one, we hoped it was the last path that we'd have to go through, but they never seemed to end. I would have been okay with that.

As luck would have it, we eventually reached the end of the… maze. It didn't really feel like a maze anymore by the time we were done with it. It was too straightforward to be one. But as any path promises, we reached our destination and received our prize for it: the gym leader. She looked very young with that smile of hers, just like Annie had, and she almost blended in with the walls with her pink hair, her pink shorts, and her tight white shirt. It wasn't much of a distraction, but I vaguely wondered what kind of pokémon she specialized in. I would soon find out, I supposed.

"You're back already?" she said in a sing song voice. "I thought we had set up an appointment. Not that many trainers set up appointments, anyway, but, you know."

"Yeah…" Sai said, rubbing the back of his head. "I'd like to just battle now, Whitney. If that's possible, of course…"

"Well, does it look like I'm busy?" Whitney retorted, spreading her arms out as if she was encouraging us to look around. All I saw were more plants, more walls. "We can battle now if that's what you really want."

My heart fell, but Sai's smile was wide.

"Thank you so much," he said.

"Sure. It'll be a two on two battle. Get over to that wall, and we'll battle right here," she instructed.

"Okay," Sai said. He turned and motioned for all of us to back up, which we did. When we were against the wall, I knew it was time for him to pick which pokémon he was going to use. "Kuiora"—I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding—"do you want to battle first? I know you like to fight."

"Yes! I do, I do!" she said immediately, and jumped back forward into the arena.

"All right, then, let's get started," Whitney said, smiling now. She reached behind her and pulled forth a pokéball. She didn't say who was going to be choice of pokémon as she threw it forward. Perhaps not so surprisingly, a small, pink pokémon emerged from the ball. Yes, the pokémon was all pink, and it seemed exuberant over the fact with the hearty smile on its face and with its body dancing over to the middle of the arena.

"Clefairy!" it cried.

"I don't know what that is," Sai admitted, "so, uh, Kuiora, you can start off however you want."

"Too lazy to think of an opening strategy? That's not going to help you win!" Whitney cried, putting her hands on her hips. "Clefairy, use encore when you get the chance."

I simply watched the battle, wondering what move Kuiora would use and have to repeat. Encore was a nasty, deceptive move, I knew, having had teammates be the victims of its manipulation once or twice.

Kuiora looked like she wasn't going to do anything at first, but then she pulled her body back, preparing for an attack. When her body lurched forward, she also released a massive stream of water from her mouth, and it was headed straight for the clefairy. The clefairy jumped to the left in an attempt to dodge it. When Kuiora simply moved her jaw in the direction of the clefairy's location, the pink pokémon jumped to the right. Kuiora kept moving her body and the clefairy kept dancing around like this until the croconaw got fed up and stopped.

"Why did you stop?" cried the clefairy. "It was such a good move! Please do it again!"

"What?" Kuiora asked, dumbfounded. "You thought it was a good move? It didn't even hit you!"

"So? The water was so pretty."

"Uh, Kuiora—" Sai said, probably understanding now where this was going.

"Fine," she said, not listening. "I'll do it again!"

And she did exactly that. She did it the same way as she had done before, right down to the part where she had to keep chasing the clefairy by turning her jaw in the direction of the pink pokémon's jumps. This time, however, the clefairy jumped not only to the left and right, but also forward—and eventually, it became close enough to become a threat to Kuiora. Despite this, Kuiora did not stop the attack.

"Clefairy, doubleslap!" cried Whitney.

Since the clefairy was close enough, it took its tiny pink paws and scratched at Kuiora's face, immediately stopping the flow of water emerging from her mouth. The clefairy did this over and over, on both sides of Kuiora's face. Due to the tiny claws on its paws, the clefairy was able to draw a little bit of blood from Kuiora.

"Kuiora, punch it back so it stops hitting you!" Sai cried.

"Clefairy, keep using encore," Whitney said calmly.

"That's… not… going to happen again!" Kuiora said in between slaps, and finally she pulled her arm back and punched the clefairy in the belly, sending it flying backward. The opponent's pokémon landed on its feet, but just barely, as it was putting its paws against the ground to help keep composure.

"But the water was so pretty," the clefairy whined, dusting itself off.

"Of course it's pretty! It's my attack," Kuiora said, grinning wildly. Still, she knew this was no time to be joking around, and she got right back down to business shortly after, her face turning serious. She stood there in battle position, presumably waiting for a command from Sai.

"Oh," Sai said. "Well, water gun isn't working, huh? Try bite!"

"Okay!" Kuiora said, making me wonder how she could be so silly and so serious at the same time. I wondered about that regarding myself, often, as that's how Ezrem described me—but it was another thing entirely to see it happening in another pokémon. I kept watching, intrigued by her—and Sai's—battling style. Sai, it seemed, didn't like to be too involved; he liked being a spectator, just like me.

Kuiora leapt forward, dashing straight toward the clefairy, who simply stood there, also waiting for a command.

"Use sing, Clefairy!" cried Whitney, a hint of franticness in her voice now. Apparently, that encore trick worked a lot longer in the past.

The clefairy had started the song before Whitney had even finished calling out her command. It sang a song that sounded suspiciously like a lullaby I had heard in the past. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, my heart fell further, as it reminded me of Annie.

As far as the battle went… The attack was meant to put Kuiora to sleep, but it didn't have an effect on the croconaw. Either the clefairy didn't have the time to sing enough of the song, or Kuiora was beyond determined to fulfill our trainer's commands. She reached the clefairy rather quickly, opened her jaw, and clamped down on top of the clefairy's head, immediately causing the pink pokémon's lovely voice to be replaced by shrieking. This seemed to cause Kuiora to only bite harder, as the shrieking grew louder and louder over time. Eventually, the shrieking was reduced to crying, and Kuiora let go, leaping backward and surveying the damage.

"Clefairy, are you okay?" yelled Whitney. She looked like she was going to run into the arena, but stopped herself just in time.

"Yeesh… It hurts…" the clefairy said, rubbing the top of its head, staining its hands with a tiny bit of blood. I decided never to get on Kuiora's bad side, as her teeth seemed too powerful for me to handle.

"Let's keep going, clefairy! You can do it. Take your chances and use metronome!"

Surprisingly, I had never heard of this move before. I watched with interest as the clefairy did its best to recover and stand its ground. It took its bloodied hands and lifted them up in the air. Then it started moving its fingers in unison back and forth, back and forth. It did this for a long time, so long that I came to the conclusion that it was just a move to regain composure and focus one's mind.

"Um, okay," Sai said, apparently having similar thoughts. "Use bite again, Kuiora!"

Kuiora nodded and made her way over to her opponent, slower this time, probably not seeing the clefairy as much of a threat this time around. Once Kuiora reached the clefairy, she opened her mouth and was about to attack when the clefairy suddenly split into two. When Kuiora clamped her jaw down, the clefairy she was biting down on turned out to only be an illusion, one that disappeared just as quickly as it came.

"What?" she cried. She looked around. The clefairy had split again and again, and now a total of five pink pokémon were surrounding Kuiora on the arena.

Whitney laughed and said, "You already know double team, Clefairy! But I guess it works. Use metronome again!"

"Kuiora, find the real one, and fast!" Sai yelled as he was starting to finally see how dangerous the situation could turn out to be.

Kuiora went to each clefairy, one by one, and attempted to punch each in the stomach. The illusions disappeared, and she could tell she was running out of time as all of the illusions—and the real one—were waving their fingers around again. She went through three of them before the clefairy's fingers glowed brightly. I heard the familiar cackling of electricity coming from the arena, and closed my eyes in response. I knew what was going to happen next; I didn't need to watch. I didn't hear Kuiora cry out, but I did hear her fall to the ground with a thud. Only then did I dare to open my eyes and see that she had fainted.

"Wow. A thundershock attack against a water-type! Yeah, how lucky!" Whitney said, confirming my thoughts. I let out a sigh of relief, glad that the thundershock attack was over. It had shaken me up inside, reminding me of my past battles, and how I had shocked others and been shocked myself. It was never fun, or fulfilling, or enlightening, or whatever pokémon battles were supposed to be.

"Whatever. I bet you knew it was going to an electric-type attack," Sai said bitterly, returning Kuiora to her pokéball. He placed it in the backpack, which he had taken off and set behind him. "I guess that means I need someone who's resistant to electricity…"

I froze. I had the vague notion that I should curse Ezrem for being a flying-type pokémon, but that wouldn't have been fair. I knew what was coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was nothing I could do in any situation, it seemed.

"I want you to fight," Sai said, turning to me.

"What?" I blurted out. Stupidly.

"I want you to fight," he repeated.

"But—" I stopped myself, wondering what I could say. I didn't know enough about the metronome attack to argue. In my haste, I tried to reason. "Whitney said that it was lucky, right? Right? That means—oh man—that the clefairy can use any attack out there… Any attack… Ground-type attacks… Oh, oh…"

The more and more I thought about it, the more devastated I became. I was about to be put up against an enemy that could use any attack in the world! One stroke of bad luck and I could surely be killed! I couldn't face that.

Then again, I couldn't put any of my teammates in that situation either. Now, I decided to curse the gym leader for having such a dangerous pokémon on her team. That just wasn't fair! It wasn't! Surely it was against the rules. I peered over at Ezrem, who only nodded to me.

"Ezrem! Ezrem—"

But that was all I could say.

"You should fight, Rennio! For our new trainer!" he said. He was trying to be reassuring, but I could tell that he didn't have much hope for me. I didn't know how I knew. It was a hunch of sorts that I couldn't deny.

"But it's been so long! And the gym leader has t-two pokémon left!" I cried, flailing my arms around.

"Please," said Sai. "I need someone who won't get hurt by electricity."

"But the clefairy can use attacks other than electric-type attacks!" I cried, but Sai just wasn't getting it.

"If you won't fight for Sai," Ezrem said loudly, "then you should fight for Annie."

Annie. That hit me, and it hit me hard. Even though she considered me her baby, I knew she wouldn't want me to act like one forever. She'd want me to grow and be strong and proud. I just couldn't do that, not when I was the last elekid in the world, not when my species' continuation depended on me.

But apparently, Sai took my quietness as a sign of surrender, as he said, "Okay. My elekid will fight."

And apparently, Ezrem took my time to think as a sign of surrender, too, as he pushed me into the arena and left with a cheery "Good luck!"

I didn't even have the energy to yell at him, to call him a jerk. Because that's what he was being. A jerk! A real jerk… And what was I being?

"All right," Whitney said. "Clefairy, use doubleslap!"

The clefairy was coming my way now. I knew that I had to get myself together, and fast. In reality, I knew I could win this battle. I had seen enough moves and strategies and battles for me to put something together quickly and come out as the victor. I had been on a journey long enough for me to have evolved into an electivire by now, though I hadn't done that because Annie didn't want a team of evolved pokémon. Yes, I knew that I could win, and easily. I wouldn't die, or even come close to it. Still, I was frozen.

I was still frozen as the clefairy came up and hit me in the cheeks, over and over again. There was hardly any pain; the clefairy wasn't that strong, which again told me I could win, and that I wouldn't die. But there was another pokémon to fight after this! Even if I mustered up the strength to fight the clefairy, I'd have to do it all over again whenever the second pokémon came out. I just couldn't handle that. So I stood there.

"Elekid, use your own thundershock!" Sai cried.

My first command from Sai. And I wasn't going to be able to follow it. I continued to let the clefairy hit me, and pretended it hurt. In some ways, it did hurt. It hurt my pride, what little of it I had left. It hurt my species, and the image of strength that I believed we had… I tried to imagine being the clefairy as it used its thundershock. I tried to remember the feeling of releasing the neverending amount of electricity from my body. But I was so detached from myself that I couldn't imagine it.

"Thundershock!" Sai said again, his voice louder this time.

I vaguely heard Ezrem's voice, too, cheering me on. Then, I heard everyone's voice. They were all trying to encourage me to fight, but it wasn't going to work. I could barely hear them above my own thoughts.

I tried to imagine what it was like to be another elekid or electabuzz or electivire in their time of dying. Did it hurt? What move had finished them off? Or was it an accident? What happened when you died, anyway? What would happen to our legacy if I died and didn't fulfill my goal to keep the species alive? It was times like these where I wished it was just all over already, so I wouldn't have to bother trying.

Finally, I tried to imagine Annie… What her face would look like if she were here right now… I saw the fire, and the smoke, and the faces those guards made when I showed up at the end of Ilex Forest… It all haunted me, and perhaps it always would.

I knew—it all came down to one thing: I just wasn't ready to move on. I just wasn't ready to try.

"I forfeit," Sai suddenly said. "I forfeit! Stop hitting him!"

The clefairy ceased its slapping session and stepped back. It smiled at me, but it was a painful smile, not a victorious smile. I wondered how pathetic it thought I was, and then decided I didn't want to know. I bowed, turned around, and made my way back to my... new trainer, my new team.

"I should have listened to you," Sai said as I walked back. He put his hands on the sides of his head. "Why don't I ever listen to anyone? Why do people always tell me what to do?"

"It's okay. It's not your fault," I said, suddenly feeling more terrible. I had been thinking far too much during the battle, but not once had I thought about Sai. Since he was my new trainer, I wanted to please him, I really did, but now I had done nothing but fail him and cause him to question himself.

"It is my fault! They always tell me that it's my fault—"

"Who does?" Senori chimed in.

"They always do! And now, I'm not listening, so they're following me!" Sai cried, shaking his head.

I looked at the team, hoping that they knew him well enough by now to know what to do when Sai got in these situations. But no one did anything, no one said anything. How could they not know? Then, I turned to Whitney, wondering if her knowledge of being a gym leader could help somehow. But she looked like she was about to cry, she was staring at us so sadly.

"I need to go," Sai said, turning around. He walked around the corner, going back through the maze that we came through. He even forgot his backpack.

"Let's go," Senori said, leading us all to the maze as well after picking up the bag. When we reached the corner, though, we could hear him running instead of walking now. We started chasing after him, but when we reached the entrance to the gym, he had already left.

"He's probably going back to the pokémon center," Senori offered.

So we started heading there.

"Rennio, you really gotta learn to fight again sometime," Ezrem said on the way back. I knew that he was going to say something, but I didn't want it to be now. Couldn't he tell that I felt horrible about what happened? Couldn't he tell that I was still shaken up?

"I know," I said quietly.

"Really, I meant what I said! You gotta do it for Annie. But now, more importantly, you've got to do it for Sai. He's our new trainer! He can give us the happiness we've always dreamed of! But we can't just get it for free," Ezrem said, his voice turning calmer now. "We have to work for it. Okay?"

"I know." My voice was barely above a whisper.

"Okay. We'll work on it. I know you can do it," Ezrem said, and that was the end of that. The rest of the journey to the pokémon center was uneventful and quiet.

We all thought that we'd find Sai locked in his room again, and we all thought that we'd have to sit outside in the hallway again. Senori knocked on the door over and over when we got to the room. But he didn't answer. He wasn't there.

"Where else could he be?" Senori said, talking to himself more than he was talking to us.

"Maybe the radio tower," Atis offered.

"A good idea."

But he wasn't there either, despite the emotional reaction he had had there yesterday. He wasn't at the flower shop, giving flowers to everyone. He wasn't at the shopping mall, browsing and buying crazy things. We tried other places in the town, places we hadn't explored yet. We tried searching all day.

…I never expected it to happen so soon.

I'm not talking about fighting, though that was unexpected, too. I'm talking about losing my trainer once more.

Sai, we couldn't find him anywhere.


	14. chance

chapter 14 ; [SENORI]

chance

We thoroughly searched the city and its outskirts for two days before we… stopped. I don't want to say that we gave up, but it almost felt that way. It seemed that we had accepted the fact that Sai was erratic, and to find any sort of predictability in his life was impossible and a waste of time. So we stopped searching—or gave up—all the while hoping that he would come back to us, and soon.

Though we had settled on having him find us, I of course was worried about him and his health. Surely, a human thinking that other humans following him wasn't a good sign. There was that and the fact that he had left his backpack behind, so where he could go without access to money—and therefore human food—was beyond me. And hadn't he said his home was in Vermilion City? That was in another region entirely! There was no way he would be going so far away to see that female friend or family member of his, but then… where else could he have gone? Nothing made sense to me.

But I didn't have much time to think about Sai, because while we waiting for him to get over whatever spell he was going through, we had to figure out how to take care of ourselves. For the first day, things were easy. Since Sai had left his backpack behind, we had access to the room key and were able to stay in the pokémon center room. All I had to do was climb on Kuiora's back and insert the key into the lock, and we were inside, even after a few unsuccessful tries on my part.

In one of our many group discussions, it was suggested that we try backtracking and going to Azalea Town, but it was too risky. What if Sai came back while we were gone? The idea of going to the next city, where no one had ever gone before, was worse. Besides, it was even riskier to separate and not be able to keep an eye out on each other—it was especially worrisome for the younger pokémon like Kuiora and Rennio. The only ones capable of taking care of them were me, Ezrem, and Atis. But I had so painfully learned that I couldn't be in two places at the same time, I wouldn't be able to trust Ezrem when I was so far away from him, and Atis didn't seem too interested in the job anyway. I decided it, then: we would stay in Goldenrod City.

The next problem had us questioning whether or not we would be staying in the pokémon center until Sai came back, or if we would have to settle for temporarily living as wild pokémon again.

"I don't want to be spending all of Sai's money," I said, "but I want him to have a place where he can look for us when he comes back."

"If he comes back," Kuiora said.

I shot her a look and said, "He'll come back."

"How do you know?"

I didn't know, but I had to believe in him. I had to believe that this journey wasn't all for nothing and that it wasn't going to crash so easily. "I just know," I said.

"Well," Kuiora said, "I don't care what we do, but it'd be cool to know what it's like to be a wild pokémon."

"You don't want to know," Rennio said rather solemnly. He was probably still feeling guilty, and I didn't blame him.

"No one else has anything to add?" I said, trying to keep things on topic.

"I-I think we should stay here… for now," Atis said.

"You do?"

"Yeah… This is a big city, and it'll be a lot harder to find him when we're out in the wild…" Atis replied.

"Fair enough," Senori said. "In that case, I say we should stay here for five days. That seems like a reasonable amount of time, right? If he's not back in five days, then we'll leave."

No one protested or offered any other possible solutions.

And just as I had suggested, we waited for five days. Amidst all the curious thoughts I had about Sai, I tried to take care of everyone. If anyone wanted to be out of the room—which was fairly often, as our personalities liked to clash so much—the pokémon that wanted to leave had to make sure that someone was still there, just in case Sai came back. For food and water, we used what Sai's backpack had available; there was plenty to spread around. We passed the time mostly by sleeping, and there was the occasional teasing between Atis, Kuiora, and Ezrem. I thought that I even heard Rennio crying at some point, but I didn't want to intrude. He needed time to heal, I knew.

Yes, we waited for five days… but Sai didn't show up.

Needless to say, it was unfavorable to all of us when I said that we were going to leave the pokémon center room and return to the wild for now. We were bored and antsy and confused and we just wanted our trainer to be back, but we had to make the best out of our situation.

That was when Ezrem spoke up.

"Who said that you get to be in charge here?" he said.

"W-What?" I said, not expecting that from him at all. Even though I didn't trust him, I didn't expect him to have anything against me.

"I asked you what makes you think you get to be the boss of everyone."

"Well," I said, pausing because I really didn't know, I really didn't deserve it, "no one else wants the position, do they?"

"I do," said Ezrem, standing up and walking over to me. "I'll be the new leader."

"You?" I said. "You're not even officially on the team!"

"I can make a better leader than you."

"You think so? How?"

"I've been with a trainer a lot longer than you, so I know what to do in dangerous situations," he explained. After a moment, he added, "Plus, when we met, I gave you good advice on how to win that battle, so you owe me."

"You may have been with a trainer longer, but you haven't been with _our_ trainer as long as I have. I was Sai's first pokémon!" I said proudly. I could feel Kuiora's subsequent glare.

"We should stay here. It'd be safer! What are you going to do if an extra strong pokémon attacks us? Huh?"

I thought for a moment before saying, "The pokémon around the forest are weaker, we already know that. We could stay there."

"What about food and water?"

"We have food and water in Sai's backpack still. And we know how to get food in the wild. Is that what you're afraid of? You don't know how to be a good wild pokémon, so you want to hide?" I said, grinning.

"That's not it. I just think it's a dumb idea!"

"Look, Sai's money is not ours to spend. We need to save it for when he has to buy us stuff. And what are we going to do when we run out of food and water? We can't go buying food like a human can. We were lucky that Sai had paid for the five nights we've spent here already!"

"And what are you going to do when a trainer comes along and tries to catch us?"

"I'm not worried about that. We're strong, and can't be caught by pokéballs," I said, feeling more confident in myself when Ezrem didn't say anything in response. "Now, I think everyone should have an escort that stays with them. This should keep everyone safe, especially when you want to wander off and do whatever."

"Fine," Ezrem said, smiling now and going back to sit with the others. "I'll let you be the leader if I get to go with Kuiora."

"Really?" Kuiora squealed.

"Yes, really!"

"That's fine," I said. I looked at Rennio and Atis. Both of them had been mostly quiet until now, but it was time to get their input. "I'd like to take Rennio with me, so I can protect him if needed. Is that okay with you, Atis? You're strong enough to handle yourself, right?"

"Right," Atis said immediately, and I could tell he was thankful for my decision to put him alone.

"Okay, then Rennio is coming with me. Is that fine?"

"Yeah," Rennio said simply, looking down. I could tell he felt ashamed, and perhaps a little upset that he wasn't with Ezrem. I looked over to the bird to see if he had any reaction to the pairings, but he was busy talking with the croconaw.

"Good," I said softly. "Then let's go."

If Ezrem was good for anything, it was for deciding where to stay while we were in the wild, because he had brought up a good point, after all: strong pokémon could be out there. Staying near the forest was out best bet. So I took everyone to the outskirts of the forest, a little bit past the daycare center. Kuiora suggested that we stay at the daycare center for the time being, but I explained that that, too, would cost money that wasn't ours to spend.

And so began our journey into the wild once more. If I was being honest, it did feel strange to be back right where I started. Still, I had to continue believing that Sai would return when he was ready, no matter how long it took. He was my trainer, and he wouldn't just abandon us like that.

It was amusing, at least, watching Kuiora try to be a wild pokemon. I second guessed my decision to let her be paired together with Ezrem, noting his deceitful nature, but he seemed to genuinely help her out. I had suggested that they try to avoid the food and water in the backpack and try to earn it out in the open, so that they always had something to come back to if they were desperate. Surprisingly, they listened, so now Ezrem was teaching her that drinking out of ponds and rivers was the only way to get water, aside from having her shoot out water guns, of course. And since killing wild pokémon for food was apparently against his personal beliefs, Ezrem and Kuiora explored the area to find out where the best berries were, and he taught her how to choose which ones were good to eat.

"This isn't fair. I have to be a wild pokémon again? I'm sick of these berries and gross pond water!" Ezrem said once, but I knew he was just making excuses so he could devour the food and water in the backpack, so I laughed at him.

"Don't laugh at Ezrem," Kuiora said seriously.

"You should choose your battles more wisely," I said, remembering how Kuiora had recently confronted Ezrem to stick up for Atis.

"Whatever you say."

I laughed again. Whatever I said, huh? I admitted that I liked when everyone followed my rules, my directions. It made me feel like a leader again. Granted, I had always felt like the leader of this team, since Sai seemed incapable of taking care of himself sometimes, but now, this only confirmed my self-centered thoughts and made me feel as if I were truly back with my clan once again. Still, I hoped Sai would return, because a part of me felt lost without him.

Atis stuck to himself, which wasn't a shock at all. Occasionally, he tried to help out Kuiora when Ezrem could only laugh at her for whatever reason, so that was nice to see. But otherwise, he stayed in between the trees and kept himself hidden, and he slept by himself, as usual.

As for Rennio and me… Well, it was a quiet adventure. That was the best way I could put it. I just couldn't get many words out of him, no matter how much I tried to make small talk. He knew what he was doing, however. He knew how to pick berries, where to get water, and he followed all the rules I put on him—the ones that said we should all sleep together, we shouldn't leave our partners, and so on. So he wasn't completely intolerable.

Eventually, though, I decided to try getting to the root of the problem, since it was clear that making small talk with him wasn't going to get us anywhere.

"It's not your fault, you know," I said to him a couple days after we had ventured out into the wild.

"Huh?" he said—with no emotion, so I knew he was pretending to not know what I was talking about.

"It's not your fault that Sai left," I said. "He's always been a little bit weird. If you had been around longer, I guarantee that you wouldn't be blaming yourself as much as you are now."

"How do you know I've been blaming myself?" he said. That was the longest sentence I had gotten out of him thus far.

"Because I've felt guilty for things in my life, just like you, remember? Once you feel guilty for one thing, you pretty much feel guilty for everything bad that follows. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

"Oh. Yeah. You're right."

"See? So don't worry about it," I assured him, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'll try not to."

"Is that all that's bugging you?" I said, having a feeling that there was something else. There was always something else when it came to guilt—it was true. I hadn't lied to him.

"Well," Rennio said, "we're so close to where my trainer was killed. I don't know if I like it." A pause. "Okay, I definitely don't like it."

"I understand," I said. "I went back to my clan after the incident, and it wasn't exactly the best experience in the world."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But it helped me start to let go. So hopefully, this can be the start of your new adventure… again. You get a third chance."

Rennio chuckled lightly. It was a success in my book. But then he frowned and sniffled… and then he started sobbing.

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping at his eyes. "Water is supposed to be a good thing for electric-type pokémon, I know, but I can't help but be so sad."

"It's okay. Don't cry," I said. "Don't cry."

He did anyway.

We continued with what we were doing. At least we were no longer bored and antsy, but we still definitely wanted our trainer to come back. But then, there was an incident. As if our luck couldn't get any worse.

Sai's backpack was stolen.

Even though I carried it by day and kept it near me by night, it was stolen. One night, we had gone to sleep with it there, and when we woke up, it was gone.

All that money, all that food, all that water… It was now gone. I vaguely wondered if Sai had come back to pick it up, but it didn't seem likely. Surely he would have taken us with him if that were the case. Also, even if he was back in Goldenrod City, he wouldn't know where we were. So someone—another trainer, probably—had swiped it while we were sleeping.

"Really?" Ezrem remarked, grinning. "It's ironic to have all that money and food and water stolen when you were trying _not_ to use it all, don't you think? I knew I should have been the leader."

I said nothing, evaluating the situation. On one hand, things were not so bad. We were faring quite nicely in the wild, here. The loss of water and food was not a problem. It was really the loss of money that worried me. What would happen when Sai came back and found that all of his hard earned cash was gone? Even worse, the two badges we had won were gone! How would he react to that? Would he go crazy again? Would he leave again? That's how unpredictable he was.

I sighed.

"I guess we could keep an eye out for it," I said. "Other than that, there's nothing we can do but keep going on, just like we have been."

Everyone agreed, even Ezrem, so that's exactly what we did. The group dispersed and separated into escorts once more, except, I noted, that Ezrem went over to Rennio and whispered to him about something for a few moments before returning to Kuiora. He must have said something better than I did, because later on, Rennio actually decided to start a conversation with me.

"Do you feel guilty now, too?" he said.

"Of course. I was in charge of the backpack, after all. All of Sai's stuff…"

"Well, don't feel bad! I just remembered something about Goldenrod City as you were talking. I know of a way we can fix things!" Rennio said, smiling at me.

"You do?"

"Yeah! When we were exploring a bit with Atis, someone told me a secret about the people of Goldenrod City."

"Oh…?"

"Apparently, they're very giving people. They like to help out in others' times of need. A human could walk up to another human, ask to borrow their kitchen, and the kitchen owner would say yes in a heartbeat! I'll bet they're kind to pokémon, too."

"So you're saying we should go to a bunch of human houses and replace the stuff we had in the backpack?"

"Exactly!"

"Uh," I said, stunned. I hadn't heard anyone say such a thing about the people of Goldenrod City, but it certainly was plausible. It's not like we would be breaking into their houses and stealing or anything. No, they would be offering to us. Maybe it was finally a sign of luck coming our way. We could really maybe replace the money, food, water we had lost, as well as some of Sai's clothes.

"We wouldn't be able to replace the badges we lost," I finally said. That was the most important part to me; that was what we had worked the hardest for.

"No, but perhaps Sai won't even notice," Rennio offered.

"You're certainly optimistic," I pointed out.

"So, are we going to do it or not?"

"It's worth a try," I said. I just couldn't ignore that happy face of his, especially when he was so forlorn the day before. "We can even keep an eye out for Sai while we're there, which is good. Let's go."

"Now?"

"Now."

We let everyone know where we would be for the rest of the day, and then we headed back to Goldenrod City. I should have known better than to get my hopes up, because we didn't see Sai anywhere.

"He'll come back," Rennio said, and I thought about how ironic it was that our roles had switched so suddenly.

"Yeah. I know," I said, but I wasn't entirely sure that I sounded at all convincing.

Coming back to Goldenrod City sure brought back some memories; it already seemed like forever since we had been here. Mostly, they were good memories. Sai was out expanding his horizons while Atis was breaking out of his shell. Kuiora and Ezrem got closer, and Rennio… Well, Rennio got the worst of it, but still. This city was on my list of favorites—until Sai had left us, of course.

Now, we had to pick up the pieces after his selfish disappearing act. I had had high hopes up until this point, because the idea of going from house to house to replace his belongings made everything feel all too real, and I didn't want to accept that my trainer, the one I had put so much faith in since the very beginning, would do this sort of thing.

"Are we sure this house belongs to a human?" I asked when we came upon our first potential helpers. "This isn't a building like the flower shop or anything, right?"

"Don't know. Who cares? Anyone could help us out at this point."

"True," I said. I looked up, overwhelmed by the tallness of the house's door. I wished that, for a moment, I could grow to the necessary height to be able to look into a human's eyes, and plead for help in our time of need. That wasn't going to happen—I simply knocked on the door as hard as I could with my little brown paws.

At first, no one answered. We waited outside the door for a very awkward few minutes before I suggested that maybe no one was home.

"Try knocking again. I know that sometimes, if you're persistent, people will eventually answer," Rennio offered.

So I knocked again. Sure enough, someone showed up within the minute. I couldn't tell if Rennio was right or if I just hadn't knocked loud enough, but I made a note to remember his words for future houses.

The person who answered the door was a man who looked like he was older than Sai, but he didn't look as wrinkly as the lady at the daycare center. He had blonde hair that was parted in the middle, and brown eyes. He looked like he was wearing pajamas, which I thought was odd until I realized the sun was already setting, and that it was probably around dinner time. My stomach rumbled in response.

This seemed to catch the man's attention, since before, he was just looking out the door with a blank look, wondering who on earth had been there. Finally, he looked down at us, and smiled.

"Pokémon at my door, huh? That's a new one," he said. My heart fell—maybe the people of Goldenrod City weren't so accustomed to giving out items and food to pokémon, after all. I was about to lose hope and turn around when he added, "Sounds like you're hungry. Are you here for food?"

I nodded as vigorously as I could. Yes, we were hungry! Yes, we needed food! Nevermind the fact that we could get food back where we were camping. We wanted human food or pokémon food, it didn't matter which. To avoid looking desperate, I didn't say any of this, of course.

"One moment," he said, closing the door on us.

"I can't believe that worked," I said, turning to Rennio, who had a wide grin on his face.

"See? I told you. All of our problems are solved!" he cried, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Yeah," I said. Then, in a quieter tone: "Sai will be happy."

A few moments later, the door opened again, and there stood the same man as before. He leaned down to hand us a bag of opened pokémon food.

"Here," he said. "I'm sure my snubbull won't mind sharing, right?"

"Awesome," I said. "Thank you very much."

"Have a good night," he said, and closed the door once more.

Again, I couldn't believe it had worked. Maybe all of our problems really were solved. There was only one way to find out, so we went next door to get to the next house. Again, I knocked—as loud as I could this time around.

And again, someone answered the door for us! Things were going a lot easier than I had anticipated. Well, I don't know what I had been anticipating, but it wasn't this.

Of course, things don't always go as planned.

We ran into some immediate trouble as soon as I said, "Hello!"

The person—this time a lady with brown hair and brown eyes, also wearing lazy clothes—peered down at us. She didn't greet us with a smile, though. She looked at me, puzzled, and was about to close the door on us. She only failed because I stuck half my body into the door so she couldn't get rid of us that easily.

"Wait!" I yelled. "We're just looking for some food… or water… or clothes. Anything you don't need, anything you want to get rid of! Someone stole all of our stuff, so, yeah…"

But still, she looked at me oddly, remaining mute. Suddenly, it hit me. She couldn't understand pokémon. The language barrier wasn't an issue at the last house because my stomach had spoken for me by rumbling ever so loudly.

"Sorry, I don't know what you're saying. Good-bye now," she said, confirming my suspicions. She went to close the door again, and this time I didn't stop her.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that," Rennio said as we walked away from the house. "I've always been so used to having Annie understand me… Sai could understand me, too…"

"All these gold houses look the same. You would think that all the people inside them would be the same—nice and friendly, like that first guy," I said.

"That's not how things work, I guess."

"Apparently not."

"Should we keep looking until we find someone who can understand pokémon?"

"Is it worth it? I mean, how many people can really understand us? Mostly trainers, and I'll bet the trainers aren't staying in houses here…"

"We could go to the pokémon center."

"They'll recognize us. We were there too long."

"I say we go to one more house, see what those people are like," he said.

I nodded. It would be a waste to go to just two houses and stop there. We went next door, the last house in this row. For what I hoped wouldn't be the last time, I knocked on the door—only to have it automatically open in front of me.

"Uh," I said, knocking again. The door opened a bit further. It was evident that no one was opening the door, but that they had already left the door open, and that my knocking was propelling it forward.

"Does that mean anyone can go in?" Rennio said. I should have taken this as an obvious no—if even Rennio, after traveling from place to place, region to region, didn't know, then we should just accept the defeat and leave. Still, I was curious—what if the answer was yes? There was so much to gain, and little left to lose.

"Stay here," I said. "I'm going in."

"Are you sure about this…?"

"Yes," I said. I was the leader here, and I was going to do what I thought was best. So I got down on all fours and crept through the door. It was unexpected for me, really—I used to yell at Sai for walking into random houses and for acting like a creepy person, and now I was doing the same exact thing. Almost, anyway. The owners were practically inviting me in by leaving the door open! If I was wrong, it wasn't my fault that I didn't know everything about human customs. I was just a pokémon that was swept away by fate from the forest near New Bark Town, that was all.

Of course, there wouldn't be a way to relay that to the owners of the house, if they saw me. No—they had to see me, or me taking anything would be stealing. I started to purposefully look for them amongst all the human things that surrounded me. I hadn't gotten far yet; I was still in the front hallway. I could already see stairs leading upward, but I decided to stay on the floor I was on. It seemed more inviting that the unknown, anyway, what with all of the paintings hung on the wall and the comfy-looking couches and the lamps that offered a dim amount of light, enough for me to make my way around. I vaguely wondered what kind of people lived here, since their house seemed much different from Sasha's in Azalea Town. It was strange to me how the furnishing and layout of a house was made to fit the lives of the humans in it, while pokémon center rooms were so bland and made for anyone. I hoped that Sai would have a comfortable place to live someday, and that it would look like how he wanted it to.

While I was thinking of Sai and us and living in a house in the future, one odd thing occurred to me: there wasn't a single sign of pokémon living in this house. There wasn't even a painting of a pokémon. This seemed so odd to me, as all the houses I had been in had shown some sign of being our fans.

I should have taken this as an immediate sign to leave, but I kept on going until I reached the kitchen. It looked like a normal kitchen, with a stove and a fridge and a table and such, though there was some weird thing protruding in the middle of it all. I think Sasha had called it an island, once. It didn't seem to serve a purpose for anything, not like everything else. I thought that it was good for keeping me hidden, but that was about it.

As it turns out, that "island" wasn't good for anything, not even keeping me hidden. I didn't get a chance to search the rest of the house or find the owners, because they found me. And they obviously weren't very happy to see me, because I was met with a big slap in the back from a broom. The bristles scratched against my skin, and the impact of the blow caused me to fall flat on my stomach. I cried out briefly, and tried to get back on my paws to flee, but I was hit again.

"Get out of my house, you evil creature! How dare you come in here!" I heard a lady yell, along with some other crazy obscenities that made me look like I was a monster sent to her house to kill her.

After a few more hits, I was able to get on my paws and escape the next swipe of the broom. I darted back toward the front hallway, and saw my escape! The door was right there! But the lady was chasing me, and was doing quite a good job of it. She managed to hit me one more time before I was able to swiftly run out the door, past Rennio and out onto the street. I had to backtrack in order to get Rennio, because he was as confused as ever and now he was being hit by her broom, too. I ran up to him, grabbed him by the arm, ignoring how the open bag of pokémon food was spilling all over, and dragged him to the other side of the street.

"And stay out!" the lady yelled, threateningly waving her broom in the air. She then slammed the door, and that was the last we saw of her.

"What was that all about?" Rennio asked, rubbing his head.

"We explored the house of a pokémon hater," I said. "Go figure. I think it's safe to say we're done, now."

"I'm sorry," Rennio said. "I was just trying to help."

"It's not your fault. At least we got one bag of food…" I trailed off, noting how there was very little left in the bag after having to run away from the lady. "Well, we got some, anyway."

"Yeah…"

On the way back, I wondered who on earth would tell a pokémon that the people of Goldenrod City were so nice, when it was anything but true. I decided to ask him about it.

"Rennio, who told you that knocking on peoples' houses and asking them for things in Goldenrod City was acceptable?"

"Um… Ezrem did," Rennio replied. "He said not to tell you that he said it because you don't like him… Why do you need to know?"

That explained everything—why Ezrem was okay with giving up the leader position, why Ezrem was whispering to Rennio that one time, and why Ezrem was okay with letting Rennio stay with me… All this time, he was planning to use Rennio to spite me somehow, someway. And his plan, whether it was thoroughly thought out or not, had certainly worked.

"Nothing. I'm an idiot."

When we returned to the group, everyone except Atis came up to us to see what we had retrieved. When they saw that all we had was a measly bag of pokémon food that was already opened, they looked clearly upset.

"You guys were gone for a long time, and that's what you come back with? Geez, I could have done better than that!" Kuiora cried.

"Yeah," Ezrem said. "All that work for nothing."

I glared at him. "Don't you even talk, Ezrem. I know it was you who told Rennio about that. You wasted our time!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, smiling widely.

"I would think that your smile lights up the sky, considering how nice you were trying to be, but now I know it's just the glow of everyone else's hopes and dreams being incinerated," I said, too angry and upset to care if my words hurt him or not.

"You don't say," he replied, still smiling.

"I'll bet you stole Sai's backpack and hid it somewhere just to make me mad!"

"I wouldn't do such a thing to my new trainer," he said. "You're losing your head over something so silly. That just goes to show you that I should have been the leader!"

And maybe he was right. Maybe his deceitful nature could have benefited us in this situation. Had he gone instead of me, he may have been able to convince those humans to give him what he wanted. I didn't know how that was possible since the language barrier would still exist and that lady would still be hating pokémon no matter what, but after what happened, I was second guessing myself yet again. He probably would have kept us in the pokémon center for a longer time, and then we would still be there, happy and safe, with all of our belongings intact.

I was no leader, and if I was, I was a shameful one—forever and always.

That night, I didn't sleep. There wasn't anything to protect except one bag of food, but I kept watch over it anyway. I lay there all night, wondering what I could do to be better. I thought that I had gotten past this pain already by scrutinizing the team's individual needs and by deciding that I wouldn't let Sai's rollercoaster emotions get to me. Those things had gone over well for me, but now, Sai was gone entirely… and my world was turned upside down. He obviously needed me at this very moment, but I couldn't help him because I didn't know where he was. And the team here obviously needed me, too, but in different ways… in ways that always seemed to backfire against me no matter how hard I tried.

After thinking some more, I couldn't rationalize any reason for me to continue thinking that I was a bad leader. I had done the best I could, and the bad things that had happened were out of my control. Besides, the bad things that happened weren't even… bad. They hadn't extremely harmed anyone emotionally and physically, after all. Really, all I had to do was go along with my instincts and not follow others', mainly Ezrem's (and Rennio's, which was unfair, but look where it had gotten me this time).

So why was I still doubting myself? I recalled the conversation that me and Rennio had had earlier in our adventure. And of course, I concluded that the guilt of ruining my entire clan was still haunting me. Everyone's cries, the sneasel's lies, being banished after all of my hard work and after all of my heartfelt explanations… I always knew that it wouldn't be something I could get over so easily, but the fact that it was still bothering me made me wonder if I would get over it.

There had to be another way.

I vowed to figure it out, with or without Sai.


	15. unfettered

chapter 15 ; [EZREM]

unfettered

Ah, how nice it was to have things go my way once in a great while.

I do mean that. It truly felt like it had been a long time since the positive side of life had catered to me. First, there was Annie's death… which I tried not to dwell on, but it seemed to keep showing up in my life, thanks to Rennio's obvious and subsequent grief. Then, I spent the longest time looking for a new trainer. When I finally found him, he had rejected me faster than I could blink! And now… that new trainer was already gone, off doing whatever, wherever. It was like Annie's disappearance all over again—except this time, an air of uncertainty wafted about us. I couldn't imagine what that had done to poor Rennio! If things like this kept happening, not only would he have issues about death and loss, but he would have abandonment issues, too. Well, I could at least make sure that I stayed with him, even if Sai despised me.

And so far, that was exactly what I did. Even when Sai, my main reasoning for staying, left, I remained by Rennio's side. I stood by the team. I even offered to be the leader! Seeing Senori send us out into the wild once more was the last thing I wanted, especially when it reminded me of Annie, so I wanted to take over. That didn't go as planned. (I had started learning that most things, when done for my selfish reasons, didn't go as planned.) I agreed to let go of my offer if I was with Kuiora, because at least she treated me with some respect. She marveled over me every chance she got! It was a boost to my ego which I always so desperately needed.

Still, I didn't like Senori for bringing us closer to the place that had caused me so much pain in the past. I looked for any way to get back at him, and when the backpack was stolen (which, contrary to popular belief, I had no part of) I found my chance. I told Rennio that all of Goldenrod City's citizens were nice people, and that Senori and him should go see them and try to get more supplies. I knew that the city people probably weren't so nice, as I had learned in the past that snobbish people often lived in big, expensive cities like this one. Apparently, Rennio hadn't noticed. And I could tell by the look on Senori's face when he returned that things hadn't gone as well as he had previously hoped. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Kuiora's called me evil for it—and various other things—a few times, but I don't like that term. It makes me sound worse than I actually thought I was. I preferred being called… ethically unfettered.

Yes, that sounded about right.

"So, what do you think is wrong with Sai?" Kuiora asked me once. We were sitting against the trees near the entrance—or exit, depending how you looked at it—of Ilex Forest. I was sure that the rest of the team couldn't hear us, so I didn't bother telling her to hush, as Sai seemed to be a complex, confusing, and argumentative topic among the group.

"As if I know!" I said, my eyes closed as I rested. "Haven't you been with him longer?"

"Of course I have," she retorted. "But you're a legendary, so you should know these things."

Legendary. I wasn't legendary, that much was very clear to me. I had been given special treatment before, for some unknown reason… but no one went so far as to bow down to me. To her, however, I was the most important thing in life! I was the last thing she thought about before she went to sleep at night, and I was the first thing she thought of when she awoke in the morning. I was the one she worshipped and put before her own self. Religion, I knew, was something that people and pokémon believe for the same reason children believe in fairy tales: it gives them false, redeeming hope. I could provide that for her, I supposed. So I had to continue playing my newfound role, or it would be lost forever.

"Well," I said, thinking, "it's like Sai has read the handbook for human behavior, but he didn't quite understand most of the instructions."

"Tell me about it," Kuiora said, and her calmer demeanor told me I had done well in answering her, even though I was being about as vague as I could possibly get. "You think there's really someone following him?"

"Who knows? Paranoia is poisonous. It's a poisonous wish that makes everything become true, so even if it's not true, it's at least real in his mind."

"That's creepy."

"I know. He better not go off and get himself killed or anything," I said softly.

"Death," Kuiora said, her chin lifted, "is just a myth invented to scare young children."

"You think so?" I said, looking up at her. I knew she was young, but to be this naïve about such a pertinent concept seemed unreal to me. Could I possibly tell her about Annie, about what I did? Surely, she would accept that it was the work of a legendary; it was something that simply had to be done to communicate with other fellow legendaries. Still, I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was always the off chance that she could tell someone else… and I mostly worried about Rennio finding out. It would have simply broken his heart into a million more pieces.

"Yeah. There's all these stories about dying too soon, or too late, or in the most horrible ways, and it's all meant to scare people and pokémon like me. I don't know why anyone would go to the trouble to make those things up! If you believe in the legendary pokémon, you can never die. It's as simple as that. They'll always remember you, no matter what happens to you."

How delusional, I thought, but didn't say anything.

A few moments of silence passed before she changed the topic and said, "Do you want to hear a story?"

"A story?"

"Yes! I know plenty of stories about rare and legendary pokémon. You might already know this story, but I'd like to tell you anyway. It's about your evolved form."

At this I was intrigued. There were tales about my species? About my evolved form? Now, that was something. I nodded, wanting to hear more.

"Okay," she said. "Most stories try to avoid spoiling the end. But you need to know before we decide to continue: she didn't want to come back."

"Who was?"

"Shut up, and listen to the story!" she snapped, hitting me lightly in the face.

"With a temper like yours, I'm truly surprised the world is still here…" I said, rubbing the spot where she hit me.

"Shut up," she said again. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Yes, yes. I will be quiet," I said. For thinking I was a legendary pokémon, she sure still had a lot of guts, standing up to me the way she did. Maybe she believed that it was a way for legendaries to remember her better, I thought—it was the best I could think of, and I admired it, in a way.

And so, she went on.

There once was a girl who was a con. She was a con because she became close to anyone and everyone she came into contact with in Unova, just to steal their hearts. Everyone became enamored with her at first sight, and they always wanted to be there for her, always wanted to be by her side, even in the darkest moments. But she was only with them for her own benefit. She just wanted their money, their jewelry, their priceless heirlooms—anything that she could get her hands on successfully, and in a decent amount of time.

But one day, she stole too much. She had taken a diamond ring that her boyfriend—whom she pretended to care for—had bought for her, and then immediately left him in the dust. And she didn't have an explanation for this boy who had come to love her so much, so he kept bothering her and bothering her, becoming for threatening each time, hoping for an answer. This was the first time that anyone had ever called her out on her selfish crimes, and she couldn't handle it. Somehow, she had let her guard down, and now, it was time to pay for all that she had done. She decided to leave the town.

Leaving by train or by plane was out of the question, as it was easy to follow those who left that way. Besides, to take a plane or a train meant that she would know where she was going, and she had not a clue where to go.

She decided to leave in a hot air balloon that she had taken from an old friend, to put it to good use and to make sure she wasn't followed to wherever she was going. She made sure it was a light blue hot air balloon, so that if anyone looked into the sky at the exact same moment she was passing by, they wouldn't notice her, as she was blending in perfectly.

But her plan still backfired. The boyfriend had been a trainer once, and a very strong one at that. He sent his braviary out to look for her, because he knew that the braviary would not give up, no matter what. It took many days and nights to find her, but the braviary eventually located her hovering above the sea. And then it took many days and nights for the braviary to turn around and come back home, but she wouldn't listen. She was starting to feel bad for all she had done, and she couldn't face the past.

What happened next was both karma and a stroke of luck all at once. A streak of lightning crashed down on the hot air balloon one night when there was a storm, and she went careening, along with the remains of the balloon, into the water below. But the braviary, despite its confusion and disdain for the girl's audacity and thievery, caught her in its claws just as she was about to break her fall. It took her home, and from there, the girl worked to improve her life so that she could form real relationships that she reciprocated fully.

"The end," she said. She added hastily, "Of course, if we were at Professor Elm's lab, there'd be pictures and stuff, but we don't have that here. Sorry."

I thought about the story for a moment. How appropriate, to hear a story about my species and have the human in question have a similar personality to my own. Perhaps Kuiora had done that on purpose, or maybe it was just fate to have the guilt of thievery follow me wherever I went. The difference between me and the story was simple: I couldn't save anyone, not even Rennio. That was definite, it was a given. And besides that, there was something else bugging me.

"I have a question," I said after a few moments, not wanting to make her angry, but I was genuinely wondering about this, above all else.

"What?"

"Legendaries aren't owned by trainers. It's just not feasible, right?"

"Yeah, legendaries are far too powerful. Why?"

"Well, the braviary in the story is owned by a trainer. So, by default, the braviary is not a legendary pokémon. And, well, Sai has me as his pokémon. Kind of, anyway. So…" I explained, trailing off. I braced myself, waiting to be hit again or something. But surprisingly, she had an answer for me.

"Rufflet and braviary are really rare. I heard they can only be caught by the toughest of trainers on Victory Road! That's almost legendary status. You're right, normal rufflet and braviary aren't legendary. But you, Ezrem, are legendary, and for a very special reason!"

"What reason is that?" I asked, so very curious to hear something that could potentially redeem my terrible personality.

But I didn't get my answer, as I was knocked in the head by something other than Kuiora's fist. I let out a tiny squeal of surprise, and looked in the opposite direction, wondering what on earth the team was trying to do to me—probably trying to get revenge somehow, I thought. But I didn't see the team. All I saw was a red and white object on the grass.

A pokéball.

"Oh, man," I said. "Not this again."

"What's wrong? What was that?"

"A trainer's trying to catch me. As usual. It happened a lot in the forest. Look"—I frantically looked around, and saw a girl running up to us—"I have to go. You should hide if you can," I said, and with that, I darted away from her, away from the rest of the team.

At first, I didn't know where to go. All I could think about was why so many trainers were after me. Yes, rufflet were rare. Yes, rufflet were usually only found in Unova. But it didn't mean that every trainer who looked at my pretty face had to come after me so aggressively! I considered myself lucky because no one could officially catch me by pokéball, thanks to Annie, but there were other means of catching a pokémon, I knew. The trainer could try to battle me and take me by force. I know—trainers have tried.

Before I knew it, I was heading back into Ilex Forest. I passed the gates and the guards, their expressions more curious than alarmed. It wasn't the brightest idea, heading back to the place that brought so much pain for me, but it was a lot easier to hide amongst a bunch of trees than it was amongst clear, open paths.

I dared to stop and look behind me for a moment to see if the girl was still following me. Indeed, she was, and she didn't seem to have any intentions on losing me in the forest. Well, we would see about that. I darted to the left, crossing a pond by running on the rocks that stood out above the water. The human tried to cross, too, but since she was much larger than me, she was also going much slower.

I made my way through this part of the forest, and of course came upon the burnt part of it, the one I had so casually knocked down in the past. Though it would hurt, I decided to stay here, because it was more likely for the girl to try to find me in an area with a lot of trees, rather than a part of the forest that had a small amount of hiding places. I slowed down now, sure that she wouldn't catch up. I started walking, surveying the damage. I stepped over dropped tree branches, had to go around fallen trunks, saw nothing but debris polluting a nearby body of water… I saw no pokémon—surely no one would want to live here anymore.

And the next time I turned, I came across another pokéball. It was floating in the nearby pond. Curious, I made my way into the water until I could grab it. When I got out of the water, I examined it. The ball showed no sign of being affected by the fire, so maybe it was a fairly new item here, or maybe it had been spared. And it was a special kind of pokéball, not just a regular red and white one…

It looked like the one Annie had had for me—it was blue on top and white on bottom, with two stripes of red on the sides. A great ball, she had called it once, though I didn't see what was so great about it. But it hit me—this could be my pokéball! This could have once belonged to Annie! Now, I had to decide what to do with it… Who knew how much time I had to consider, given my situation?

Part of me wanted to destroy the pokéball. Part of me wanted to be set free of Annie's grasp—forever. If that was the route I went down, I would crush the pokéball and make it crumble into a bunch of pieces. Part of me thought this was a bad idea, because then maybe other trainers could really catch me with pokéballs now. Is that even how it worked? After all this time traveling, I didn't know. And then, part of me was skeptical, wondering if it was really my pokéball at all. What if there was a pokémon inside? If I destroyed the pokéball, would the pokémon inside die? I didn't want to kill anyone else…

I heard a rustle, and the girl appeared once more.

So she had followed me to the burnt area of the forest. She was smarter than I gave her credit for. Luckily for her, I suddenly didn't have the energy to move. I turned to face her, and we stared at each other for a few moments. I realized the direness of the situation once more—she wanted me as her pokémon, when I already belonged to someone else. I went to run again, but she called for me to wait.

"Wait," she said again. "That pokéball might belong to my brother! We've been looking for it for a long time."

I stood there, unsure of what to do. Part of me wanted the ball to be mine after all, and part of me wanted to give it to this girl and forget this whole situation had even happened.

I looked at the girl again, seeing that she was putting away the pokéball she had in her hand. She put up her arms and said, "My name is Sasha. I won't catch you if that's what you want… Please, could I just have the ball, and I'll leave you alone?"

"Ezrem!"

"Sasha!"

Two new players of this game showed up—Kuiora, and a boy who looked like this Sasha girl. Great, I thought. Now I had to worry about Kuiora being caught—what if Sai hadn't properly caught her in a pokéball?—and I had to worry about the new guy potentially chasing us.

"Ezrem, why did you run away like that?" Kuiora said, walking up to me and looking me over, as if to see whether or not I sustained any damage.

"She was trying to catch me," I said simply.

"Look, Marty, it might be Halcyon's ball. Remember, you dropped it while we were out here?" Sasha said. I looked down at the ball, so curious about its true origins. How hard it was, to think about the possibility of passing up this once in a lifetime chance!

"Oh. That's right. So that… bird… has it?"

"It's a rufflet, from Unova! I was trying to catch it to give it to you for your birthday, since pokémon like that one are one in a million! But it didn't work…"

"It's the thought that counts, right? Besides, that Sai's croconaw. Looks like it's his… rufflet, too."

"Sai? I didn't see him anywhere…"

"Oh…" said Kuiora. She whispered into my ear: "That Marty kid really hates Sai. We can't let him know that Sai's disappeared or they'll kill each other for sure."

Then, to Marty, she said, "Sai's out shopping."

I automatically said, "Sai is sleeping at the pokémon center, and we're out here exploring." This, of course, only got me knocked in the head by Kuiora again for telling two completely different stories.

"I don't know what they just said, but I'm fairly sure whatever the rufflet said can't be repeated in polite conversation," Marty said sarcastically.

"Idiot," I said, now realizing that our efforts were futile, since they couldn't understand us, anyway. "And I was almost destined to be your pokémon? As if."

"Sai's probably letting them run rampant on purpose. Go figure," Marty said.

"You should really be nicer to him. He does try."

"Not hard enough."

At this, I threw the great ball directly at Marty's face. At this point, I didn't care if the ball was mine. I was just glad that I hadn't been caught by this imbecile, and that I hadn't chosen him during the battle between him and Sai. I felt fiercely proud of having Annie as a trainer, and therefore suddenly didn't care if I was still bound by her or not. She was never so stuck up and she never looked down upon others the way he did. Sasha, on the other hand, was nice—but it didn't stop me from being a jerk to her brother! And of course, there was Sai, who was nice to me half the time and completely ignorant during the other half.

"Thanks a lot," Marty muttered, rubbing his head as he reached down to get the pokéball. "Let's go, Sasha."

I stuck out my tongue at them as they turned to leave, with Sasha looking back at me one more time, regretfully. I also got another hit in the head from Kuiora once they were gone. Soon, I would have a permanent bump there.

"Well, should we go back, too?" Kuiora said. "Senori might kill us if he realizes we've been gone."

"I'll only go with you if you stop saying that word," I said, but I was already walking in the direction that would lead us back to the team.

"What word?"

"Don't make me say it."

"Don't make me guess it."

I turned, walking backwards so I could glare at her. "If you're going to say it, then stop following me."

"I'm not following you. I'm following the path," she said, pointedly keeping her gaze on the horizon just to prove a point.

I sighed. I felt that this was one of the longest days ever. Still, some things had been made concrete to me. Kuiora cared about me, for one. This meant more to me than I could say. There was always Rennio, but Rennio stood by my side because he didn't know my faults. Kuiora knew I had faults, knew that there was plenty of them to go around, but she stayed with me, and she even put me on a rather high pedestal.

In addition, it appeared that I cared for Annie more than I originally thought I did. For the first time, I had felt pride over being her past pokémon, and I didn't mind the fact that I gave up the possibility of destroying my old pokéball. She was always in the back of my mind, whether I liked it or not. She kept my conscience at bay. I vowed to continue trying to be good, for her—once I figured out what good was, anyway.

In a more general sense, I had learned that having something wasn't the same as keeping something. It was a lesson I wished I hadn't learned, but such was life. This meant that just because I had Rennio and Kuiora's love, it didn't mean that it would last forever. Just because Annie had been there for me once, didn't mean that she would ever be there for me again. Just because I thought Sai would make a great trainer for me, didn't mean that he would actually live up to my expectations. And just because I would have made my home in the future, didn't mean that it would stay with me forever.

Yes, there were many levels to my pain. I unraveled each level, one by one, as we went back to the team, wondering and wishing. The pain wasn't like a knife, or like fire, or ice, or any of a thousand other metaphors. It was simply just pain. And it drowned out the rest of the world as I felt a harsh, white flash of sensation take over, reminding me that I should try a little harder.


	16. connection

chapter 16 ; [KUIORA]

connection

If I had learned anything about the team this past week and a half, it was this: everyone makes mistakes—even me, unfortunately. Of course, I had known this before, but the consequences of my mistakes had increased greatly since going on a pokémon journey. After all, who at Professor Elm's lab cared if my water gun wasn't as powerful as it was supposed to be? Well, I did, but that was beside the point. No one else saw, and that was what mattered.

On the other hand, now my mistakes were becoming much more noticeable. How embarrassing it was for me to lose to that clefairy when it was a simple normal-type pokémon. It wasn't my fault that it so luckily had an electric-type attack at its disposal, but the defeat was still unbearable. I had spent the rest of the day lamenting and imagining the scene over and over in my mind while I was in my pokéball, which was different from the peaceful restfulness that the ball had provided for me in the past. Ezrem had told me that Rennio had experienced a loss much more painful, though, and it made me breathe a slight sigh of relief.

Ezrem was also so nice to inform me that Sai had disappeared… My trainer had made the greatest mistake of all, by leaving his team when they needed him the most! We needed him to retrain us for the gym, and then have us all head back there for a rematch! Where could he possibly have gone to at a time like this? I couldn't so easily forgive him, no matter where he was. Maybe I was just being stubborn, but I didn't care.

Then there was Senori, who went and lost our supplies in the blink of an eye—a blunder that also wasn't his fault, but the blame was still on him. Atis made the mistake of never wanting to fight or become stronger. And Ezrem seemed to miss the memo, too. He was a legendary pokémon that didn't even know he was a legendary pokémon! I had been about to tell him why he was so special, especially to me, but we had gotten so rudely interrupted.

I knew that he was special because I had seen pictures of rufflet and braviary in the past, at Professor Elm's lab, when I had heard the story I had recited to Ezrem. I had noticed a difference between Ezrem and the rufflet in the pictures—it hit me a few moments after we had met—and I thought: weren't rufflet supposed to be blue, not red?

I made a note to myself, saying that I would have to ask him about it sometime, so he knew.

Two more days passed after the interruption me and Ezrem had during our conversation, but I hadn't brought it up to him because he had suddenly turned so quiet. Something had clearly happened to him on that trip where he ran away from me and from Sasha, but I couldn't figure it out, nor would he tell me. He never told me much about himself. The only things that came out of that bird's mouth were things that made me feel like I had the right to slap him upside the head, even if he was a legendary. And I had done that, several times. But I had stopped entirely for the last two days—that's how mute he was being.

Needless to say, he wasn't making great company. I vaguely wished that I could switch my partner, but Senori wouldn't allow it. "I think I'm a better fit for Rennio, and you don't like Atis, anyway," he had said. Well, fine. I would just find my own, new partner outside of the team, then!

When Ezrem was napping against the trees we had sat against while talking and laughing, I went over to a pond that he had shown me when we first arrived into the wild. Being a wild pokémon, I had gathered, was nothing special. You had to retrieve your own food and water instead of having it handed to you, and there was other competition out there, whereas everyone at the lab had been… friends. Those who wanted a trainer waited ever so patiently, while those who didn't want a trainer had to live in fear of being caught. Yeah, it wasn't anything special, and not for the first time, I was glad to have been raised by Professor Elm. But I would at least put good use to this pond by finding myself a new escort.

I stood by the edge of the pond, leaning over and washing my face with my paws. I thought I would wait for a water-type pokémon to come around and talk to me—one was bound to swim up to the surface of pond eventually, after all. Getting bored rather quickly, I remembered that I was a water-type pokémon myself, and decided to just plunge into the water myself and find someone. Diving into the water, I wondered what kinds of pokémon I would run into.

I soon found out. There were plenty of magikarp swimming around together and murmuring to themselves as they passed by. A few psyduck floated around the water, some on their backs, which looked rather odd, but I said nothing. To my dismay, I didn't see any totodile—I guessed that they were only really found near Professor Elm's lab, after all.

The most peculiar thing I found was a pack of poliwag, all huddled around together at the bottom of the pond, away from everyone else, as if they were discussing some secret that couldn't be known to the rest of the pokémon there. I made my way over to them, curious and hoping to learn more about them. There were a couple psyduck and magikarp in the pack, I noticed as I swam over to them, but not too many. There was also a larger version of the poliwag present, one with arms and longer legs. I assumed it to be a powerful, evolved form.

As I approached, I heard one of the poliwag say, "The ceremony will take place tonight, so everyone should be there if they can."

"Ceremony? What ceremony?" I instinctively said, butting in as I placed my feet on the bottom of the pond. I put myself in between the poliwag who spoke and a psyduck, noting the rough, pebbly exterior of the pond floor. Whatever they had to say, I wished they would say it fast so I could get the feeling away from my poor feet.

They all looked at me curiously, suspiciously, and no one said anything for a while. Finally, the poliwhirl stepped in and asked, "Excuse me, but who are you?"

"I am Kuiora, the only croconaw in this pond!" I cried, my voice full of excitement as I was able to prove myself to others. "Since I am the only croconaw, that also makes me the strongest."

"I see…" the poliwhirl said, scratching its belly. "You are new to this pond, then."

"I have a trainer, but he's kind of missing at the moment," I explained, "so here I am."

"I see," the poliwhirl said again. Since it had no real mouth, just a stomach full of swirls that all went in the same direction, I couldn't tell if he was happy to see me or not. He seemed to accept me, at least, when he added, "Well, welcome to the pond. We have a tradition here that takes place once in a great while, at no specific times. Would you like to join us?"

"Sure!" I said, filled with glee over finding not just one partner, but several of them. I could least tell that the psyduck were smiling at me with their upturned bills, so I felt comfortable.

"There are very few staryu around these parts," the poliwhirl—who I came to see was the leader, now—started. "There are also very few water stones that we come across. They're either left by trainers who found them in other bodies of water, or they are left from the skies above. We find them around here before anyone else does, with any sort of luck. As you can probably tell, we've found a water stone, and therefore we are ready to evolve one of the chosen staryu."

"Why is this a ceremony?" I interrupted, remembering some more stories about certain pokémon from Professor Elm's lab. "Don't pokémon evolve from stones all the time?"

"Well, yes," the poliwhirl admitted, "but the staryu are an interesting, special species."

"Special? How?"

"The creature that staryu evolves into is known as starmie. Starmie are considered to be… alien creatures. That status shows us that they are very rare and are deserving of special treatment."

Once the poliwhirl was done talking, I was even more certain that I had come to the right place. Not only had I found several partners, now I had come across the chance to meet another rare, legendary pokémon! This day was just getting better and better.

"Every participant gathers their own food around the forest. Any food goes," the poliwhirl went on. "The choice has been given to all pokémon, as we couldn't reach an agreement on whether or not killing others for food was acceptable. For some, it is okay by their moral standards. For others, not so much. Anyway, you will bring this food to the ceremony, and the rest will be made clear to you during the actual ritual. Oh, and another thing—men are not allowed to know about this ceremony."

"Why not?" I asked, suddenly feeling a bit more solemn. I was hoping to bring Ezrem to the ceremony if I was able to. Then again, he wasn't a water-type pokémon, so he wouldn't have been applicable no matter what. Still, I wanted to share this momentous occasion with him.

"Some ceremonies involve only men. It depends on the sex of whoever finds the water stone. This is because staryu are genderless," the poliwhirl explained. "In this case, a female found the stone."

"I see," I said, my voice quiet and probably barely audible above the magikarp that swam above us, still murmuring the same words over and over.

"Any other questions?"

"Nope!" I said, while the others shook their heads no. I wondered why they had been so silent up until now, but I assumed that they were just unaccustomed to my presence, and felt a threat to the unknown water-type that had so dared to take over the conversation.

"In that case," the poliwhirl said, lifting her arm, "I will meet you all at the south end of the pond at dusk."

Everyone nodded this time, and then they all swam away in different directions. Only the poliwhirl remained.

"This is the first time we will have a croconaw at our ceremony. I think it's a bit unnerving for them, to have the ritual turn out a bit differently," she said, laughing. Apparently, she had been reading my mind. "By the way, my name is Lynn. You don't have to remember, since I'm the only poliwhirl in Ilex Forest and therefore I'm easily recognizable, but there it is, just in case you were wondering."

I thought that it was very nice to meet Lynn, but that it would be even nicer to meet that legendary starmie later on. I looked forward to it immensely.

One of the drawbacks to being a pokémon was that it was very difficult to tell time. At Professor Elm's lab, I hadn't paid attention to the prospect of time. I just knew that when it was dark, it was time to sleep, and when it was light, it was time to wake up and train. Naturally, then, I had no idea how long I had until it would be dusk, until it would be time to head to the south end of the pond for the ceremony. I even asked the entire team, but no one knew, not even Atis.

"Why do you need to know?" the ever so curious Senori asked me.

"I have to be somewhere at dusk," I said.

"You're not supposed to be going out on your own. What if we need you and can't find you?"

"I'm not a baby like Rennio, you know," I retorted, ignoring his question. "I'm young, but I can handle myself. I met some friends, okay? I want to spend some time with them before Sai comes back. If Sai comes back," I corrected myself at the last minute.

Senori glared at me. "He'll come back," he said, just like he had told me once before. His face was strained to the point where I could feel the pain of the situation he held inside him.

"Well, I need as much distraction from this situation as you do. I don't like it any more than you or anyone else on the team," I said, willing to admit just about anything to be able to see that rare, legendary pokémon. I was being vague, but at least I wasn't lying.

Senori was quiet for a few moments, contemplating my answer. Finally, he said, "Just don't go getting into trouble. And make sure that Ezrem is with you or knows where you are, at least. We don't need to lose another member of the team."

"I'll be fine," I said. I thought for a moment, wondering how much leeway the sentret was going to offer me. "Say, can I take that bag of pokémon food that you got in Goldenrod City?"

"Definitely not. Now you're asking for too much," Senori said, glaring at me again. "Eat some berries. I know you like those."

"Fine, fine," I said, sighing. At least I had won one battle—the most important one. The second battle was miniscule in comparison.

I turned, smiling as I did so. I hadn't gotten much out of the conversation except a full-hearted confirmation of Sai's future return, which I did hope for, despite my negativity toward the suvject. Again, I wanted a rematch at the Goldenrod City gym. I wanted his continual affection as he saw me grow stronger. I wanted to evolve for him one more time, and grow so tall that he had to look up at me just to see my face. Yes, I wanted him to come back, but knowing his personality, it wasn't very likely.

The concept of Sai and his crazy self consumed my thoughts as I searched for the berries that I would eat during the upcoming ceremony. I chose to get Cheri berries, which were my favorite because of the spicy, pungent flavor they offered, but were hard to find because they were located around flowers. There were mostly trees and bushes around the forest, which made my quest difficult. In the end, I had to settle for only a couple of Cheri berries, and a mixture of other types. I hoped that would be satisfactory. I also hoped that the situation with Sai wouldn't be so similar—what if I had to settle with whatever came my way in the future, and he wasn't a part of my life?

I went back to find Ezrem still napping against the trees. He awoke when he heard my footsteps, but he was as silent as ever. Naturally, we didn't exchange many words. I sat there, counting out the amount of berries I had, and finding a wide leaf from a nearby tree to place them on, making the job of carrying them easier.

When the slightest hint of darkness came over the horizon, I told Ezrem that I was leaving for a while, and that I'd be back later.

"Where are you going?" he said, which was the first time he showed any interest in me all day.

"I met some friends. Water-type friends!" I said. "You wouldn't understand the joys of water-types, would you?"

"No, no at all. You're right. I will stay here," he said, smiling.

Good, I thought. And with that, I set out toward the south end of the pond. When I got to the edge of the pond where I had originally dove in, I realized another drawback to being a pokémon: I didn't know my directions… so I didn't know what south even meant. Luckily, I saw a group of poliwag on the other side, and swam across the pond to meet up with them.

"Hello!" I said, trying to be cheerful so they would accept me, just like Lynn had. It looked like they had had plenty of time to reconsider my participation, as they gleefully said hello back. My own glee disappeared, however, when I saw just how thin the poliwag looked when they were outside the water. It appeared as if I could see their internal organs! It made me feel uncomfortable, and I thought vaguely that at least they were going to be putting some food in their stomachs to fatten them up some more during the ceremony.

Each of them had some food with them, as expected. Some, like me, had berries, while others had some caterpie and weedle with them… I could see some of the poliwag eyeing the dead bugs and shifting around, but no one said anything about it. Lynn wasn't kidding when she said that some pokémon had different moral standards when it came to killing pokémon, I supposed. I was against it, but I felt no hatred to those who were for it.

Soon, a couple of psyduck came waddling up to us, joining the group. They expressed their regrets for the magikarp who wanted to attend for the entire thing, but couldn't make it due to not being able to breathe on land.

"They'll be able to see part of the ceremony later, at least. Too bad it mostly has to take place on land," one of the poliwag said.

"Why does it have to take place on land?" I asked.

"You'll see. Anyway, I think we have everyone. Lynn and the staryu are at the entrance to Ilex Forest, so let's go," she said, leading the way.

We left the area where my team was camping, and we went past the gates and guards so that we could enter Ilex Forest. Once we were inside the forest, we went around what seemed like a million trees that were all part of a labyrinth we'd never be able to escape.

"I thought they were at the entrance," I said, growing weary of being lost.

"Sorry. Here we are," the poliwag said, moving to reveal a large clearing, filled with even more poliwag and psyduck, all of which were chattering amongst themselves, waiting for the ceremony to start. Lynn and the staryu—the future legendary starmie!—stood in the middle of the clearing, and I could see a blue, shimmering item in Lynn's hand.

The poliwag and psyduck from my group went to join the larger group, and I stood there, lost and confused. What was I supposed to do now? I followed behind them and placed myself in the circle, pretending that I knew what I was doing. There, apparently, were downsides to being the only—and the strongest—croconaw here. And I felt like I was the only living thing here among a bunch of bones, since all the poliwag were so skinny. Even from afar, I could tell that Lynn was not so different, though she was evolved. At least the staryu looked normal…

"Ladies!" Lynn roared. Immediately, everyone stood to face her, and quieted so they could hear her. "Thank you. I am glad to see that you could all make it. Without further ado, we can begin the ceremony. We will make it as quick as possible, as Comerhi here has been waiting for a long time for this day to come. Isn't that right, Comerhi?"

"Yes, yes it is," said the staryu.

I took a moment to take in the presence of the staryu. As expected, the main shape of the pokémon involved a star. It had five appendages, all of which were a golden-brown color. The appendages were also apparently very flexible, as the staryu was taking every moment possible to move its body around in anticipation. The middle part of the star was a dark yellow, and in the very middle of the pokémon, there was a circular, red ruby that was glowing, like the water stone in Lynn's hand. So this was what a rare pokémon looked like, one I hadn't even heard of before! I wondered how that was possible, and mentally scolded Professor Elm for not telling me about staryu and starmie before.

"Now, we all have enjoyed having Comheri as an addition to our team here in Ilex Forest and Goldenrod City. She—for today, she has stated that she would prefer to be referred to as a female, to fit in with all of you—has lived here for about ten years, and is now finally ready to set forth into the unknown, mysterious adventure known as evolution," Lynn said, and bowed. "She was born here to two starmie who have unfortunately left us since then. She was a temperamental baby pokémon, but was easily soothed by the presence of all of us. She appreciated our company. As she grew up… Well, there are many stories to tell. Does everyone remember, when she was young, how she used to swim in the ponds and pretend to be a magikarp, spouting off all kinds of nonsense? I bet we all remember. And then, there was the time where she learned to walk on land for the very first time. Her determination was an inspiration to all of us. Finally, no one can forget the moment where her two parents sacrificed themselves so that she would not get caught by a trainer…"

She stopped, allowing the silence to spread over the group and engulf them.

"Anyway… I'm a bit jealous. Maybe one day there will be no staryu in Ilex Forest, and I can use the stone on myself, though I am not as special as this well-renowned species," Lynn said.

She paused for a moment yet again. This time, the audience chuckled at her joke. I stood there in awe, not knowing previously that poliwhirl also needed a water stone to evolve. How noble and selfless Lynn was!

"Enough memories. As I said, Comerhi has been waiting a long time for this day. She is ready to move on with her life and become the alien creature known as starmie. Though she will be as mysterious as ever, we vow to love her with all that we have, and for as long as we live. Now, Comerhi will come around to each and every one of you, and she will sprinkle some of her body's dust on the food you have brought. This is done to bless everyone and to make sure that her un-evolved form will live on forever in our hearts."

Just as Lynn said, Comerhi made her way around each concentric circle, shaking her flexible body. I could see her body practically falling apart, appendage by appendage, as she went around spreading dust on everyone's food. I supposed that was what happened when staryu prepared to evolve in the presence of a water stone. It was peculiar to me—evolution hadn't been an act of destroying, but an act of creating and molding.

I was the last circle that Comerhi came to. When she passed me, I felt like I was a part of something unbelievable and unique, as if the staryu had already evolved and become legendary. There was something about Lynn's words that made the staryu appear special already, with all of her memories and connections within the Ilex Forest and Goldenrod City group. I wondered for a moment, if everyone was rare, including me—just because of the interesting and different lives that we led.

When Comerhi was finished, she made her way back up to Lynn and the water stone.

"Now, you may all eat your blessed food," Lynn said, "as Comerhi finally touches this water stone, which was found by one of the group members among us today. Let us have a moment of silence for this group member, who has allowed this celebratory occasion to take place."

For a few moments, all that was heard was chewing among random parts of the group. After the moment of silence was over, Lynn turned to Comerhi and held her arms out, revealing to the world the precious water stone that was so cherished within the group. Comerhi stepped forward, and bent over slowly—as if to savor the moment. Eventually, the top part of her star body touched the blue rock, and she began to glow.

It was when she first started to glow that I began eating all my berries, ignoring the bitter taste of dust in my mouth. I watched intently as Comerhi star body grew bigger and bigger. I was even more surprised when Comerhi grew a second star behind the first one! Though what astounded me most was how the staryu's red core was disintegrating and falling apart right in front of our very eyes. All of its red, red pieces fell to the forest floor amidst the white glow. That was all I could make of the new starmie's form until the illumination finally faded away. Once it was gone, I could see that, instead of golden-brown, her body was purple, still with a darker yellow portion in the middle. What fascinated me the most was the red jewel that the starmie now possessed. Unlike the staryu's, it was much brighter, much larger, and much more red, as if to signify an intense passion for life. Once the full transformation had taken place, Comerhi let out a deep grunt, which sounded robotic, yet rhythmic—a symbol of its new alien form, I assumed.

Everyone yelled out for joy or clapped if they had hands. I joined them soon after, and I also finished the rest of my berries. I swallowed the last of the dust that remained on my tongue, and waited for whatever came next.

After what seemed like forever, Lynn continued, "When you are done eating your food, you may come up here and take a part of Comerhi's lost core, which is a symbol of its ability to communicate with others. Embrace this piece of jewelry as you sleep tonight, and use it to dream of your lover, or someone important to you. Once everyone is finished, the last part of the ceremony will commence, and everyone will follow Comerhi to the pond of her choice and take her first swim with her alien form."

Everyone did as Lynn said. Some pokémon were already finished, so they made their way through the concentric circle and picked up a piece of broken red stone, bowing down to Comerhi as they did so, and giving a few words of respect. Once I saw that they were talking to the new legendary, I was more eager to join. I got up and stepped over a bunch of poliwag and psyduck to get to the middle of the clearing. I chose my own piece of red stone, which was very jagged and sharp, so I had to make sure not to hurt myself with it. Since it was only necessary, I also bowed to Comerhi, and asked her, "So, what's it feel like to be a legendary?"

But Comerhi only laughed and said, "I'm not a legendary. There are plenty of staryu—starmie—in the world."

"Then why is there a big ceremony celebrating your evolution?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Because staryu and starmie are rare among this area, and their rarity is cherished here. It really is nice, and I wish I could say we were rare, but that's all," Comerhi said. I wondered if she was smiling or annoyed. I didn't know which, so I just bowed again and made my leave.

Comerhi left with me, though. I walked slower to let her pass me, still thinking I owed her my respects. She treaded through the concentric circles one last time, and I watched as all of the poliwag and psyduck stood up to follow her. Lynn also followed her, and ended up walking beside me, looking at me expectantly.

"So, what did you think?"

"I think it's very special for water-types. I learned some things that I will think of tonight," I said simply, quietly. I was stil trying to get over the fact that starmie wasn't legendary after all.

"I see. Well, if you ever come around here with your trainer, you should visit us again, and see if we have anything else going on."

"I will."

As we kept walking toward the pond that Comerhi chose for the remainder of the ceremony, my walking got slower. It was really dark, now, so no one really noticed—they just kept on walking by. Instead of going to the pond with the group, I turned and made my way back to Ezrem and the others. It took a while, but it gave me plenty of time to think. In the end, though, I couldn't think about much of anything. It was the first time in a while I had been shaken up. My whole understanding of the world had just been brought into question, after all.

Ezrem and the others were already sleeping when I returned. I guessed they hadn't really missed me or worried about me too much, as they had previously said they would. I sat against a tree next to Ezrem, which is where I normally slept, but somehow, I knew I wasn't going to get any rest tonight.

I held the red jewel in my hand, thinking back to the ceremony. It felt like it was years ago already, for some reason. The starmie's words rang in my ears. They weren't rare! They weren't legendary! But the group treated them as such. Where was the justice in that? Wasn't that an insult to the real rare, legendary pokémon? But then, I thought back to the stories I had told the team… All of them had ended up in disaster somehow, someway. Surely, the legendaries wouldn't want that. The legendaries would want humans and pokémon alike to celebrate each other and lift each other's spirits. And that's exactly what the group did. That's exactly what Sai did, when he tried to make us feel special for being a part of his team. What's what Senori did, when he wanted to be our leader and take care of us so lovingly. That's what I did, when trying to impress Ezrem or make myself feel more superior than I really was.

Being ordinary can be powerful after all, I thought. That meant that even Senori and Atis and Rennio and I were special. Ezrem was definitely special, but now, he was special in an… ordinary kind of way. In the end, I decided that I wouldn't ask him about his shiny self—it didn't matter, anyway.

I lay down, and thought of everyone, holding the jewel close to my heart. Yes, they were all special, and I was glad to have them all here. I was glad that Senori looked out for me earlier, and I was glad for Ezrem's terrible jokes and manipulative self. I hoped now, more than ever, that Sai would return.

What happened next was a great stroke of luck. I wished that epiphanies hit me more often, if this was what happened after them. Really. So that is the way of it. You wake up, thinking the day will go as planned. But it never goes as planned. Between all of the exchanges you have with people and pokémon, there's this and that. This and that may change your hopes and dreams! There's _you'll never guess… _and _didn't I tell _you?—both of which may make you feel attacked. But by the end of the day, there's _hey, by the way, I love you, too_…

I heard something. Someone.

I immediately bolted upright, and listened for the source of the sound. Yes, there was definitely someone approaching, and it sounded like… human footsteps.

"Who's there?" I cried, vaguely hoping to wake up the others in case it was a violent intruder. I held up the sharp end of the jewel in my head, prepared to use it if I had to.

"Kuiora?"

It wasn't a violent intruder, or a legendary pokémon, or any other member of the team just happening to wake up and scare me.

It was Sai.


	17. resolute

chapter 17 ; [ATIS]

resolute

Back at the Violet City pokémon school, they all had had high hopes for me. Shannon had thought I'd be a great kick boxer, even though I hardly spun on my top or fought with my legs. Joey had hoped that I would magically turn into a fire-type pokémon for whatever reason. And Jason had wished he could be my trainer someday. They created these scenarios for me without having asked me what I wanted out of life. Well, if only they could look at me now... I was just being reunited with my trainer, who chose to abandon us and leave us to temporarily live as wild pokémon shortly after I decided that he would never do such a thing.

And living as a wild pokémon sure wasn't easy—not for me, at least. It was my first time out there on my own, after all. I wasn't on my own, per se, but since Senori didn't give me an escort (and preferably so), I was basically all by myself. I didn't want to kill anyone for food, but it was dreadful to be eating the same kinds of berries day after day. And the dirty pond water surely wasn't healthy for any of us. Still, I had to fight a few wild pokémon to obtain these undesirable resources, which definitely didn't make for an ideal habitat. I was scared for my life as I fought these creatures. They had tried to talk to me sensibly at first, but I had a feeling that they were only out to backstab me, so I instigated a battle. It was a peculiar habit I had picked up after being out in the wild for just a few days: fight first, and talk later.

It was like this for about a week and a half before Sai showed his face again—in the middle of night, no less. We were all woken up by Kuiora's cry and the two's subsequent exchanges, dazed and tired. Of course, we all immediately felt more awake when we saw that our trainer had so quietly returned. No one showed any excitement, though. The confusion surrounding the entire situation loomed through the air, and we wanted explanations right then and there. But Sai didn't offer any. He simply said hello to each of us, and then said it was good to be back, and that he was so, so sorry. So sorry. But that was it. Eventually, we all went back to sleep, hoping this would all appear as a dream in the morning. I noted that Sai was back to his usual self, at least—he didn't sleep at all.

Needless to say, I felt betrayed. I thought I knew Sai—as well as I possibly could, anyway, given his odd demeanor. I had felt the closest to him compared to the rest of the team. He held my secret, I knew his secret, and we had had many rather heartfelt conversations in the past. Yes, I felt the closest to him… but still, he had left me—left us—presumably knowing the damage that his actions might cause. Even if he was different, he would definitely know that such a sudden disappearance would cause turmoil.

There was no way around it: Sai had truly messed up. And the very next morning, he was trying to cover up his mistakes with jokes.

"I thought about what we should do when I returned," Sai said. We were making our way back to the Goldenrod City pokémon center, leaving behind the area that none of us would miss. "And I thought, we should take over the world!"

"No," Ezrem said immediately.

"Hey, now, you haven't even listened to my ideas yet," Sai said, folding his arms and pouting.

"No," Ezrem said again more sharp this time. Clearly, even he wasn't too fond of Sai at the moment, either.

"Let him talk," I said out of nowhere. Even if I wasn't happy with my trainer, I still wanted to hear him speak, hoping he would crack eventually and tell us what he was doing with his life for the last week and a half.

"No," Ezrem said one final time, grinning at me. I looked away, ashamed.

"Well, anyway," Sai said. "I thought that we'd continue our journey here, the journey to keep getting the badges, you know, and then, once we have all… eight of them? I think there's eight. Anyway, when we get all of them, we can become the champion! The strongest team in the Johto region."

"Isn't that the point of this journey, anyway? This doesn't sound like anything you just made up," Rennio said.

"That's not our goal here," Sai said solemnly, "but it could be. Then, once we became the champion, every pokémon in the world would want to be on our team! We could form an army of sentret, an army of elekid"—at this, Rennio blanched—"an army of hitmontop, and so on. And we would take over the government and make sure no one in the world ever had to suffer ever again."

No one dared to ask the question that we were all thinking, though the suffering part he mentioned gave us a clue.

Apparently, Senori thought that if he couldn't make Sai feel bad about leaving, he could make him feel bad about other things, as he said, "Sai, I have something to tell you."

"What, you don't think it's a good idea?"

"Not that. Well, if you haven't noticed already, we… we accidentally got your backpack stolen," Senori said slowly, carefully.

"Oh. Yeah, I noticed," Sai said, the spirit in his voice still there. "Is that all?"

"That means your badges were stolen," Senori then said bluntly.

"Oh," Sai said. "Oh."

"Yeah… Look, I'm really sorry about that. I should have been paying more attention."

"It's okay. We don't really need them, anyway. Like I said, our goal isn't to become the champion or anything, right?"

"What is our goal, then?" Ezrem chimed in.

"To be the strongest we can possibly be," Sai said after a few moments, and I could tell there was more to it.

There was another pause before he said, "Wait. That means we have no money for a pokémon center room, right?"

"Right…" Senori said regretfully.

"What about food?"

"We have one bag of pokémon food, but that's it."

Another pause. Then—"Well, I was going to head to the gym right after the pokémon center, anyway. I guess we're going there first."

There was a plus side to all of this, I supposed: Sai was back to his cheery, careless self. No longer was he self-loathing, but he felt pride in his actions and words once more. It didn't make sense to me. If he had suffered wherever he had gone, then why did he seem so happy about it? That was what I thought about as we headed to the Goldenrod City gym—much to my dismay, of course—but I couldn't come to any sort of logical conclusion. My head hurt just thinking about the boy.

I did see something interesting, though. Since I walked behind Sai, I could see him reach into his pockets at some point. He pulled out a bottle, and held it as his side. He started at it for a few moments, opened it at his side discreetly, and he took out a small, white piece of… food? It didn't look like food, but that was what I thought the pill was as he put it in his mouth and swallowed it. After a few minutes, it hit me—it was medication, as Earl had called it once. He had taken some for his own sickness, he told me once, though I never found out what that illness was. So Sai had meant what he said: he was always sick. But what exactly was his illness?

My head still hurt—to the point where it was about to burst. Why did I have to have such a confusing trainer? Admittedly, I was still glad he was back, though I wasn't glad about heading straight to the gym…

Luckily for me, we were interrupted by two familiar people before we even reached the gym. I recognized them as Marty and Sasha. Maybe it wasn't so lucky, after all, since Marty hated Sai, but he seemed calm and collected as he approached us.

"Yo, Sai," Marty said. "I saw your croconaw running around Ilex Forest the other day. Where were you?"

If Marty knew that we were all thinking the same exact thing, then he would immediately call the police and have us taken away from him. So no one said anything. It was also curious to note that Kuiora had escaped our clutches, despite being told to stay around the designated area. Had Senori really allowed that?

"She's a strong pokémon," Sai said, avoiding the question. "She could handle herself, so I let her go out and get some exercise."

"Right. Not the smartest thing, you know."

"Marty, she wasn't alone, remember? She had that rufflet right there. See, it really is Sai's, right?" Sasha said, turning to the black-haired boy.

"Uh," Sai said. "He's not exactly mine. He just likes to follow me around for whatever reason."

"Still, she wasn't alone. That's all that matters. Eh, Marty?"

"I suppose," Marty replied. He looked a lot more sociable now that his sister was around. I hoped that, if he had to keep running into him, that she would be by his side. "Looks like you could have caught that rufflet for me, after all."

"What? No way! I never would have allowed that!" Ezrem butted in, jumping up and down to gain attention to his obvious fury. He started hopping toward Marty, threatening to peck him, but Sasha stopped him.

"Yeah, but not if he's taken a liking to Sai," Sasha said, bending down to pet the bird on the head. At this, Ezrem relaxed and accepted the head scratches.

"Anyway… What are you guys doing in Goldenrod City?" Sai said, changing the subject.

"Ah, yes. I had a favor I wanted to ask you, so we've been looking for you the last few days!" Sasha said. Sai's head drooped. He was starting to feel bad for leaving not only the team, but his potential friends, I thought.

"A favor?" he said.

"Yeah. There's a pokémon fan club on the west side of the city. We're here for this month's meeting. Marty is even going to join this time!" Sasha said, putting her hands together and looking at him. Marty nodded, smiling. "We focus on pokémon types, and we're asked to bring a pokémon of the specified types to the meeting if we can, so we can show them off and stuff. Well, this week, we're asking for normal-type pokémon and fighting-type pokémon. But I only raise grass-types, so…"

She looked at Ezrem, and then at Senori, and then at me. Oh, no, I thought. I wished that I was a normal-type pokémon so that I could at least pass off this opportunity to someone else. But I was, of course, the only fighting-type on the team!

"Oh," Sai said. "You want to take Atis and Senori? But we were about to go to the pokémon gym…"

"The meeting is in an hour, and it's only two hours long. You can go to the gym tonight! Not a problem," Sasha said excitedly. "Also, I'd like to take the rufflet, if I can, since he's so rare."

"Well, that's up to Ezrem," Sai said. He paused. His face was strained, and I could tell he was torn between catering to his friends and getting on with his journey after being delayed for such a long, long time. Like I was about to burst from my questions about him, he looked like he was about to burst if he didn't get the Goldenrod City gym badge within the next five minutes. "I don't know…"

"What do you say, Ezrem? Do you want to come with?"

I looked at him, wishing that I was getting a choice. The bird looked back and forth between her and Marty, and eventually shook his head no.

"I'm not going with that guy. I'm sticking with Sai."

"What'd he say?" she asked.

"He said he doesn't want to go with you."

"Pretty please?" she asked, giving him more head scratches.

Ezrem pulled away and said, "First you asked for my potential pokéball, and now you want my enthusiasm and obedience? What's next? Will you be out for my blood? The answer is no!"

"He still said… no," Sai said, keeping things simple. A smart idea, I gathered.

"Aw," Sasha said, frowning and standing up. "Okay. What about Senori and Atis? Is that okay? I promise that I'll return them as soon as I can."

Again, Sai paused. His face still appeared confused and torn. Finally, he said, "Sure... Just be back by dusk, okay? I really need to go to the gym today."

"Deal!" Sasha said, clapping her hands together. She walked up to Senori and picked him up, hugging him and telling him what a great time they were going to have together. Then, she came over to me and grabbed my hand, ignoring the spikes that could easily pierce her skin. She had a lot of guts, I thought. I guessed that was how excited she was for the meeting. She pulled me along, and I forced myself to be dragged in whatever direction she was going to take me. I walked backward for a moment, waving good-bye to Sai and the others, vaguely wondering when I would see Sai next.

First, Sai had abandoned us, and now, he was sending us off to spend time with other trainers! Okay, the second part wasn't so bad. It wasn't as if the trainers were complete strangers or anything. Sasha had proven herself to be nice, and Sai was probably trying to successfully get on Marty's good side. I still didn't like the idea, though. A pokémon fan club? I expected it to be everything that I despised, all in one clear setting.

And it was.

As it turned out, no one else in the pokémon fan club had a normal- or a fighting-type pokémon, so me and Senori ended up being the center of attention. We really were in the center, too, since everyone was sitting around a circular table, and Sasha put us both on the table when we arrived, telling us to just sit back and relax and have some fun. I didn't tell her so, but I wouldn't just be sitting back, relaxing and having fun—of all things, why did she think I would have fun?— during this meeting.

"All right!" a loud man's voice boomed once we arrived and took our places. He was wearing a nice brown suit with a white scarf coiled around his neck. His voice was thunderous, and it nearly made me jump. "Everyone look at these beautiful pokémon! Our own beautiful Sasha has brought them for us tonight along with her brother. Everyone give her a round of applause!" The entire room clapped except for me and Senori. He looked just as lost as I did, but satisfied. "Yes, everyone look at these beautiful pokémon! We revel in their presence! We thank them for being here every day! We look at them and smile. They bring us joy, and they help us with our hopes, our fears, our dreams. We owe a lot to these creatures that make our world a ton brighter. So today, sentret and hitmontop, on behalf of all of us… I thank you."

The man's words just made me feel more uncomfortable. Not only was he near worshipping pokémon, he was making sure that everyone was staring at us. I didn't like being the center of attention... Eventually, I had to sit down because I couldn't make myself stand anymore without feeling like I was going to fall over. My legs were shaking way too much. Senori sat, too, but for different reasons, I assumed.

"We will talk today about the relationship between normal- and fighting-type pokémon. Normal-types are just that—normal! But they offer us a great perspective in life and offer a sense of what it means to be unique. Fighting-types teach us to stand up for ourselves"—at this, I cringed, because this is what I only wished I could do—"and, while fighting-types have the advantage over normal-types, we know that they can work in harmony somehow, someway. Sasha"—she snapped her head toward him, as she previously was too busy looking at us and smiling—"why don't you start out the conversation today, since they are your pokémon?"

"Oh, no," she said, laughing. "They're not mine. They belong to a friend of mine. It is as you say, George. We are very lucky to have them today." She stopped, and everyone clapped again. "It is also true when you say that normal-types are unique. I know that they can learn almost any kind of elemental attack! This includes fire-type attacks, electric-type attacks, and so on. It truly is a wonder."

"It really is!" said the man named George. "This sentret, when it evolves and becomes stronger, will learn many moves that will be useful in battle and useful in learning more about the world."

"Now that you mention it, George," Sasha said, looking at Senori confusedly, "this sentret's trainer already almost has three badges. Aren't sentret supposed to evolve at a low level? I'm surprised he hasn't evolved yet!"

At this, Senori stood up again. He turned around and around, surveying the audience's reactions. Everyone was nodding and whispering amongst themselves.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"I've been around for a long time, and the idea of evolution has never really occurred to me. I didn't know it was so… commonplace for my species," Senori said slowly. "They gave me an idea."

"You're going to evolve? Right here?" I asked stupidly.

"Don't be silly. I have to put on a show, like Kuiora… or something," Senori said. I could tell he was only joking, and that he would really evolve now if he could. It seemed to be something like a revelation to him. He sat down again, sighing a breath of relief.

"Well, I'm glad you're having a good time," I said as the man kept talking.

"You're not dead, right? That's all that matters. What's life without a little adventure?" Senori said, grinning at me.

"It's safe," I said, "and comfortable."

"…Fair enough."

"Now," George said, bringing my attention back to him, "what about you, son? Sasha's brother. I'm afraid I don't know your name!"

"Marty," he replied. He was sitting next to Sasha, and all eyes were on him now.

"Do you have anything to add?"

"Well, while normal-types have access to a lot of different types of moves, the attacks aren't as powerful as, say, a fire-type's attacks would be."

"That's very true," George said, nodding.

"Way to be a downer," Senori said, glaring at him, but the boy couldn't understand.

"Fighting-types, on the other hand, are almost the exact opposite to normal-types," Marty went on, ignoring Senori. "They have a lot of advantages, too, but they also have a lot more weaknesses, not like normal-types. And they have very limited attacks. I have yet to see a fighting-type that knows a move that doesn't match their type."

"This boy is very knowledgeable! I am glad you brought him along, Sasha."

"That's my brother for you," she said, smiling at the two of them.

"Yes, yes. Well, the last thing I have to point out for now is that hitmontop are really rare around these parts. Again, we are blessed to have this one here with us today," George said.

I gulped. Why did I have to be such a seemingly rare pokémon? Just because my species and pre-evolved forms evolve a little differently than others, doesn't mean that we should be so rare! I wished that I was as common as a sentret, like Senori. Then I wouldn't have to be worrying about this extra attention. I gulped again, and moved my feet back and forth, trying to focus on the rhythm of my movements. It didn't work; I was still extremely nervous.

Someone raised their hand. George messed with his white scarf for a moment before called on them and the man, who said, "Can we get the hitmontop to show us some of its signature moves?"

"Signature moves, my boy?"

"Yeah. It should be able to spin on its top and do handstands and stuff like that."

"A marvelous idea!" George said, clapping his hands, which sounded just as thunderous as his voice. I shuddered. "Hitmontop, will you do this for us? Will you?"

"Uh," I said dumbly. How could I say no when they couldn't even understand me? I tried shaking my head no, but they only egged me on by offering encouraging words that only served to make me more self-conscious in the end.

"Come on!" Senori even said. "You can do it. I'll make sure Sai doesn't use you in the gym battle if you do it."

Well, there was some honest motivation. I shakily stood up on my feet, which took a lot longer than it should have. Everyone cheered, to my dismay. I bent forward, my hands now touching the table. It had been such a long time since I had done this, I wasn't sure if I could still do it. There was only one way to find out. I pushed off of my legs and soon, they were up in the air. I tried to use my hands to balance, but I found myself shaking in all the wrong directions, and I almost fell. Somehow, I moved my hands so that they were in a different, more comfortable location, and I was able to keep myself up. Everyone cheered again.

There was one trick down. There was only one more trick to do. I kept my handstand position, trying to remember how to spin on my own head. Soon, I thought I had it, and I used my hands to propel myself to the left. I then moved my hands out of the way completely so that the only thing that keeping my upright was the pointed top of my head. I was spinning slowly, as I hadn't given much power when I moved my hands. There wasn't much I could do about that except keep moving my body in the direction that I was spinning, but, again, it had been so long since I had done this, that I couldn't get enough momentum. I eventually had to stop spinning, as I was dizzy and I didn't have enough speed to keep going. I fell over on my stomach, and sighed.

Still, everyone cheered and commended my attempts, especially Sasha and Marty. I didn't say anything, just smiled weakly and waved my hand in a passive manner. I could tell that I was sweating, but at least not profusely.

When the audience quieted down, George had another grand idea. "It is well known," he said, "that fighting-types have the advantage over normal-types. These two pokémon, however, have the same trainer! That means they have seen each other battle, and they know each other's moves well. Why don't we have a mock battle?"

Dizzy, a mock battle was the last thing I needed. Senori, on the other hand, was all for it.

"I need practice now," Senori said. "Won't you show me what it's like to come close to evolving?"

"Uh," I said. "Do you really want me to? I mean, we could always say no…"

"Nah," Senori said, lifting himself. "I'm making you do this."

"I wouldn't expect anything less from you," I said, sighing, and also lifting myself.

"You two don't actually have to hurt each other," Marty said immediately, probably seeing the worried look in my eyes.

"Ah, Marty, you are concerned for these pokémon's well being, I see," George said.

"Yes, I'm always concerned about that."

"Why is that? I mean, of course it's natural, but I'd like to hear your point of view."

"Well, mine might be a bit unique. At least, I hope so," Marty said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "I don't like admitting this, but… my father used to abuse pokémon"—at this, everyone gasped slightly, some dramatically, but truthfully—"and I hated that. I really, really despised that, actually." He paused. "There was nothing I could do to stop it when I was younger. Now, though, I've rescued my pokémon from him. And since then, I've vowed to keep them safe, and other pokémon safe. That includes… these pokémon. I'm not saying their trainer is abusive, but…"

"But?"

"He's concerning. Sometimes."

"That's understandable. These pokémon are lucky to have you."

Marty's story was touching to me. I thought about it for a moment, wondering what my life would be like if Sai was truly abusive. I mean, he had run away temporarily and all, but he didn't mean to hurt us. He said he was sorry, and perhaps he had his reasons to be secretive. If he was physically abusive, however, we'd have bruises… We'd be scarred while battling and while talking to others—like Rennio was, only worse…

Yes, things could be a lot worse.

Then again, things could be a lot better.

Again, I was torn—did I want to stay with Sai, or did I want to go somewhere else… anywhere else? I was coming closer to my decision, though I was scared of what the future might bring.

"So," Marty said after a few moments of silence, "if these pokémon don't want to fight, I won't make them."

"I want to fight!" Senori said, raising his little paw as high as he possibly could. He ran over to me, then, and raised my hand, too.

"W-What are you doing?" I asked, forcing it back down.

"I want you to fight," Senori said, "and as your leader, you should listen to me."

"I-I don't know…" I said, looking around. Admittedly, after doing all those tricks already, things were a lot less nerve wracking. I could battle if that was what Senori really wanted. I owed him, anyway, for taking care of me when Sai couldn't… "Okay," I finally said, raising my hand again.

"It appears as if they both want to fight!" George cried, and everyone clapped—hopefully for the last time, because I was getting tired of hearing it. "The rules are up to the pokémon. They don't have to actually hurt each other, as Marty said. You both may begin whenever your hearts desire!"

Senori went to the other side of the table. I stood on the other end, by the door of the building. I supposed that I could leave whenever I wanted, if I really wanted to… And were we really fighting on a table? We would have to keep our attacks as light and playful as possible, so we didn't break anything…

Senori got down on all fours, and immediately charged at me. He lifted his body up in the air and kicked his legs out, preparing to hit me with them. I put up my hands in an X formation in order to block him, and it worked—he barely moved me an inch.

"As expected of you," Senori said. "Your defense is high. Always. Even outside of battle."

"You… know me so well, don't you?" I said sarcastically. It reminded me of how I thought I knew Sai, and I felt dispirited suddenly.

"Yes," Senori said. "Just like I know that you've been thinking of leaving the group recently."

I froze. How did the sentret know that? Just because he was the leader… That didn't give him the right to read minds… or the power…! It wasn't fair. What if he told Sai and Sai stopped me? Previously, I didn't think he would stop me, but now, I wasn't so sure…

The sentret used this moment to try to kick me again. This time, it worked, and I fell backward into someone's lap. They immediately picked me up and said it was okay, "just don't let your guard down again," as if it were so easy. I climbed back onto the table, trying to appear unfazed.

"You've appeared very distant from the group ever since Sai gave us the choice to leave or stay," Senori explained, grinning. "It's very obvious, really. Your defenses failed you, in a sense."

"I see…"

"It really is up to you, though. I won't stop you."

"You won't?" I asked. Senori nodded. "After Sai disappeared, I was really thinking of leaving… for real this time…"

"Is that your feeble idea of revenge? You base your life decisions on what Sai does?"

"Well, he is my trainer, and he dictates everything…"

"I'm sure that your life revolving around his is all that he's ever wanted. I'm sure that he hates that he had to put you through such a trial in order to be on your mind night and day, but if hatred and despair are the types of gravity that keep you near him… Well, you know that he will be that force."

Senori was being as stubborn and as blunt as always… I was starting to get a little mad, to say the least. My life did not revolve around Sai! It revolved around things that made me happy—like poetry, the seasons, the art of growing older and becoming wiser—things that I didn't know much about, but wanted to know about…

And—"You really don't have to make it look like he wants me so much. He doesn't like anyone hating him. I'm sure he would think it's better if I were gone, in that case."

"You really think so? Because I don't. Better prove it to me, then!"

Fine, I thought. I would. I ran over toward him, pulling my arm back at the same time, preparing for a punch. As I reached him, though, he jumped toward me, bouncing off of m. I stopped myself from running, expecting this, as this was popular way for pokémon to avoid my punches. I turned, and as Senori landed on the other side of the small table, I was able to punch him in the back. As angry as I was, I still didn't make Senori feel the wrath of the spikes on my head. I couldn't do that to him. He fell forward, onto his stomach, and stayed there for a moment. The crowd cheered for my apparent victory.

"Yes, I want to grow older and become wiser, too. I know now that I want to evolve," Senori said, getting back on his feet. "But I will do it with Sai."

"That's where we differ, then," I said, and I felt that I really accepted it, really accepted leaving as my fate.

"Where will you go? What will you do?" Senori asked, facing me now. He looked genuinely curious.

"I don't even know…" I said solemnly.

"Then give yourself some time to think about it. Don't leave us just yet."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"Good."

"Don't get me wrong. I feel trapped if I stay and guilty if I leave… I'm not heartless or anything…" I said, feeling the need to explain myself.

"That sounds unpleasant."

"…It has its moments."

"Just don't act too distant toward us from now until then!" Senori ordered.

"Yeah, yeah," I said quietly. It would be easier said than done, as I was afraid that I would change my mind the more that I spent time with them.

"And let me win this battle!"

My guard had been let down once more; I was no longer angry. The sentret charged toward me again, this time without preparing for a kick. I stood there, unsure of what his next move was. When he reached me, it didn't seem like he was going to attack me at all. In the end, he tricked me—he only hit me with a headbutt, not a prepared punch or a kick. I flew backward, this time missing a person and landing on the floor behind everyone.

Apparently, that meant I had been knocked out of the official designated arena, as George said, "The sentret wins! This goes to show that even normal-types can overcome any obstacle that comes across them!"

For the last time, everyone clapped. And for that, I was thankful.

As the meeting came to an end and as Sasha and Marty took us back to Sai, I was lost in my own thoughts. The meeting had confirmed a lot for me. Yes, I was thankful not only for the meeting ending and helping me, but for a lot of other things, even if I didn't show it sometimes. I was thankful to know that the beginning of understand comes in the small form of knowing that life is hard, but that doesn't mean it won't break… I was thankful for the concepts of ritual—like eating three meals a day—and feeling the sensation of fullness, of temporary completeness. I was thankful for the planet's ability to give meaning to both life and death. I was thankful for simple daily moments, such as the sunrise, and the moment where the clouds break through the moon at night. I was thankful for the odd kindness from strangers, for intense emotions such as grief and ecstasy, for the ultimately unknowable organ that is the heart. I was thankful for having a mind that was curious at all.

At that moment, I was mostly thankful for the chance to leave. And I knew… I honestly knew now: soon, it would be time to go.


	18. crescendo

chapter 18 ; [SENORI]

crescendo

Sometimes, I thought that life was defined by the distance between what you wanted and what you needed. I especially felt this way at the pokémon fan club, where the solution to all of my problems came to me in the most unexpected instant, in the most unexpected fashion. Who knew that a human could solve what they had no knowledge about? Who knew that fate would bring such an opportunity to me? I surely didn't. I just knew that I needed to move on from my past, and that I wanted to do it in the least painful way possible. The pokémon fan club had provided me with some insight I never would have thought of myself; it helped me realize that the distance I originally thought of as so far apart was as close as it could possibly be!

As Sasha and Marty brought us back to Sai, and as we shortly thereafter made our way to the gym (before Sai went completely insane over breaking the rules once again), I felt like I was at home. I felt as if I were in the forest and experiencing every part of nature as sharply all over again; this was how I knew my answer was correct.

There was something odd about the clouds moving in our direction that sent shivers down my spine. The few trees in the city swaying in the wind made me think they were speaking to me. There was a silence that emanated from the cracks in the pavement below my feet; it was a distant echo of the times that I was alone. The memories were muffled by all of our footsteps; they were only tearing loose in an attempt to break my shell. What would they find? I could only guess that they'd find my resolution of thinking it was best to stay away from my clan, and then, the memories would try to bring me back to the nightmare that I had already lived through once. Well, I had already vowed not to live there again—the dead, the result of my carelessness, hung below me, muttering to themselves in discontent. While I was deeply sorry and forever would be, I had to do this for myself.

And why did I believe evolving would help, anyway? The reason was simple, and almost agonizingly so. I would be getting rid of the one thing that every sentret of my clan cherished most about themselves.

I would be getting rid of my tail.

When all sentret were born, we held a ritual to bless it. It was a blessing that we hoped would bring about great growth and prosperity to this important part of the body. We even made a point to say that we didn't want the sentret to evolve, just so they could keep this vital part of them forever. We always had contests to see whose was longer and therefore most efficient in helping the clan succeed—this was how Ari and me were chosen as the leaders. And if I were to lose my tail, no longer would the leader in me be telling me to stand on it and keep an eye out for others, to keep an ear out for danger, just like I had done so many nights in the forest, including the one that ruined me. I could instead look at the path right in front of me rather the one that was miles away.

And it just so happened that were heading to the gym at this very moment. The timing couldn't have been any more spectacular.

I willed my heart to stop pounding, but it ignored me.

"You're back again, huh? It's been a while. You must have been doing a lot of training," Whitney observed when we approached her for another battle.

"Something like that," I said sarcastically. The revelation that I had come to felt even better knowing that Sai was here to witness it, but I wouldn't admit it. I was still bitter toward him for leaving at all, and I was still curious as to where on earth he was. My next goal would have to be finding this out, since once I evolved, I would be prepared to deal with him and his emotions even more fully.

Sai glared at me for a moment, which just made me grin at him. "Yes, we've trained a lot for our rematch," he lied.

"Well, we can start the battle whenever. We will again use two pokémon each," Whitney said, pulling a pokéball out of her back pocket. She thrust it forward, revealing the same pink pokémon that had fought and won last time.

"Clefairy! I'm here!" it cried as it emerged.

"Can I fight?" Ezrem chimed in, pulling on Sai's pant leg.

"No?" Sai said, as if the answer was obvious.

"Rude… Well, then, what about Rennio?" Ezrem said, now pulling on the elekid's arm, making him panic in retaliation.

"I won't do that to him again if he doesn't want to fight," Sai said firmly.

"On a more serious note," I said, glaring at Ezrem and taking Rennio from him, "can I fight, Sai? We're all so eager to fight for you, as you can see!"

"Kuiora first," Sai said, just as firmly. "She asked me earlier. She wants a rematch against the clefairy, and I don't blame her. But you can fight second, okay?"

"Okay," I said after a few moments, thinking that this was acceptable. As strong as Kuiora was, I didn't think she could beat both of the gym leader's pokémon. They seemed far too powerful and their strategies were better than her's, though perhaps she had come up with something in all of the time we had spent doing practically nothing near Ilex Forest.

"Yes! Thank you, Sai!" Kuiora cried ecstatically, taking her place in the middle of the arena. She stood her ground in a position that made me immediately question my previous beliefs about her. Maybe she really could beat both pokémon, and then, I wouldn't have a chance to fight. Well, my trainer's decision was already made. I would just have to wait it out. Of course, if I didn't fight now, there would be other opportunities—but why would I want to wait any longer than I had to?

"Okay, Kuiora," said Sai, though he didn't appear to know what to say next; he was talking for the sake of talking. "Uh, just like we planned, all right? Start off with a bite attack!"

Though she appeared perplexed by his confusing words, she obeyed, and pounced at the clefairy with lightning speed. The clefairy didn't even have time to move, nor did Whitney have time to call out an attack. Kuiora bit down on the clefairy's arm, causing the fairy to cry out in pain.

"That's so you can't use your metronome attack this time! No electricity will be coming from those little paws," the croconaw said through gritted teeth.

I laughed and marveled over Kuiora. How had she gotten so fast in a short amount of time? And not only was she faster, but she looked more determined. She looked… wiser, older. Just what had happened to her while Sai was gone? Whatever it was, I was suddenly glad that I didn't have to worry about her being off on her own anymore. If I didn't end up having a chance to fight against one of Whitney's pokémon, this battle would at least still be worth it.

The clefairy tried to use its good arm to cradle the bad one, but its arm just wasn't long enough to reach over to the other side. Its bad arm hung there, limp and slightly bleeding, apparently now unusable, just as Kuiora had intended.

"I see how it is," the clefairy said, wincing.

"You do? Show me what you've got, then!"

"Clefairy, don't let it get you down! Use growl!" Whitney ordered.

The clefairy obeyed. Though its voice clearly showed that it was in pain, it grunted and then let out a high pitched howl that made even Kuiora (and the rest of us) take a few steps backward. It was unfathomable to see such a tiny creature let out such a ferocious sound, but apparently it was possible. And the clefairy's plan worked—it had regained its self-confidence, and was ready to fight again.

"Now use pound!" Whitney cried.

Though the clefairy had one arm out of commission, the other was still perfectly fine. The clefairy proved this by charging at Kuiora while she was out of commission herself. The fairy used its good arm to punch Kuiora in the stomach over and over, causing the croconaw's feet to slide backward against the gym floor with each and every hit.

"Good! Try a doubleslap now. Keep her confused."

The clefairy obeyed by jumping off of the ground. Keeping itself suspended, it was now slapping its paws into Kuiora's face, making it move back and forth, back and forth. Kuiora was clearly shown to be dizzy when she tried to swipe away the clefairy with her own paws, but kept missing and swiping the air instead.

"Kuiora," Sai said, uncertainty still in his voice, but a hint of excitement, too, "use water gun! It's a perfect chance!"

And indeed it was. The croconaw immediately spat out a spray of water, hitting her target dead on, since the clefairy was right in front of her face, her mouth. As the stream of water grew longer, the clefairy was thrown further backwards, as it could not escape the flow. Whitney had to even move out of the way before getting hit, and the attack finally ended once the water gun and the clefairy struck the wall outside of the arena.

"The pokémon got knocked out of the arena," Sai observed. "Does that mean Kuiora wins?"

"That would work in an official tournament," Whitney said, smiling weakly, "but not here. Clefairy, you can get up, right?"

"Oh," Sai said, clearly bummed that the battle would go on.

As Whitney had predicted, the clefairy was able to stand up, but just barely. After feeling the impact of a limp arm and the full force of a water gun attack done by an evolved pokémon, it looked like it was going to faint at any given moment. It had a lot of spirit, though—I could give it credit for that.

"All right, Kuiora," Sai said. "One more water gun and you should win."

Kuiora nodded. She thrust her head backward, preparing to shoot another stream of water. When she brought her head forward, a blast of water shot forth as well, heading straight for the clefairy.

"Clefairy, dodge it!" Whitney said, a hint of worry in her voice.

The clefairy dodged it in a peculiar way. Instead of moving out of the way, the clefairy suddenly grew… smaller. It happened in tiny increments. Every time the clefairy changed size, an afterimage was left behind, and it disappeared as quickly as it came. By the end of the move, the clefairy was hardly visible, and the water gun ran right above its head, missing completely.

"Clefairy, why did you use minimize? That may make you smaller, but it makes you hurt a lot more!" Whitney whined. Once again, she looked like she was about to run into the arena, but she restrained herself by keeping her arms folded above her head, and by spinning around on her heels.

"It was the only way I could dodge," a voice even higher pitched than the previous growl said. "I can barely move…"

"Oh, dear," Whitney said, placing a hand in front of her mouth dramatically.

"Well, bite isn't going to work," Sai said, "and water gun isn't too likely to hit. Try… stomping on it? Knock it out once and for all!"

"Okay," said Kuiora happily. She walked over to the clefairy casually, staring down at it when she reached her target. She smiled and lifted her foot, and at that moment, the clefairy started growing larger again, bit by bit. This time, afterimages of the tiny clefairy were present every time the fairy grew a little bigger. Just when the clefairy was about to reach its full capacity, Kuiora brought her foot down as hard as she could on the clefairy's head, causing it to fall forward on its stomach with a thud.

The clefairy did not get up.

I thought that stomping on the clefairy was a little harsh, but I didn't say anything. It was a legit pokémon attack, one that had occurred in several battles before today, and one that would continue to appear for all of eternity. The clefairy simply had to suffer the fate of being a pokémon, just like the rest of us. Just like I would be doing soon enough, I hoped.

And I did get that chance. It was surprising to all of us, but Kuiora stepped down from battling as soon as she defeated the clefairy.

"I got my revenge, just like I wanted," was all that she said. But Kuiora—the one that I knew, anyway—wasn't ever likely to turn down a battle. So this was entirely new. Not unwelcome, but definitely new. Still, I appreciated the notion, and I congratulated her and told her that I would win the battle.

"If you don't, I'm still able to battle, right? I'll pick up the pieces for you," she said.

"Don't worry. I never lose," I said, feeling confident. In that moment, I honestly couldn't remember a time that I had lost a battle—one that consisted of fighting, anyway. I was sure that it had happened, but it wasn't going to faze me. Not today.

"What if you really do lose, though? It can happen! Even I've lost!"

"If I lose, then you'll have witnessed the single most unlikely thing to ever happen," I said, grinning. As much as I wanted to—in order to keep everything a surprise—I couldn't hide my excitement. This was my answer, my salvation. And it was going to happen now, in front of Sai, in front of my—our—team.

I eagerly leapt out into the arena, waiting for my opponent to appear. After a few moments, though, it didn't look like Whitney was going to send anyone out. I looked at her, confused, and saw that she was trying not to cry.

"My poor clefairy!" she lamented, burying her face in her hands, sobbing.

"Uh," Sai said quickly, "Kuiora won fair and square. A gym leader should know that, yeah?"

"I do, don't you worry. We can still win!" she said, now wiping her eyes. She recalled the clefairy and took out another pokéball out of her back pocket. "Go, Miltank!"

When it emerged, I thought that the miltank… Well, at least it lived up to its name. It was a cow, so it provided milk, and it looked like a tank. Yes, the thing was huge compared to me when I was on all fours. It was at least two feet taller, and considerably wider and thicker. It was mostly pink, though not as pink as the clefairy had been. Its belly was a cream color, and there were six well-placed protrusions on its belly that I thought were called utters, I wasn't sure. Its ears and its feet were black, and it had a pink tail with a black ball on the end of it. I vaguely wondered if a miltank's tail was as important to the species as it was to my sentret clan. The creature also had notable white horns on top of its head, which could have been important as well.

"Miltank!" it cried. Apparently, Whitney's pokémon had a thing for announcing its name to the world when they approached a battle. Well, that was all fine and dandy, I thought, though I wondered if it ever confused Whitney into thinking she couldn't understand pokémon—if she could even understand pokémon at all, anyway. The human species was certainly an odd one.

"Okay," Whitney said. "We're going to try to end this as quickly as possible. Miltank, use body slam!"

Ouch, I thought. If I thought that Kuiora's stomping attack was bad, since she was a big pokémon herself and particularly powerful, then this was terrible. Not only was the miltank probably stronger than Kuiora, but it was at least twice her weight. I braced myself for an awful attack.

The miltank ran toward me, its utters and body fat flapping along the way. It was an amusing sight to see, but I couldn't let my guard down already. I got down on all fours, frowning and yet reveling in how big of an adversary I had to face. Well, that was just fine—if my opponent had to look tougher and be larger than me, then it was giving me all the more reason to evolve in the middle of the battle.

When the miltank was close enough to me, I hopped in its direction, landing on its head and using its head to bounce forward and back onto the ground behind it. The cow took a few moments to stop its momentum, but when it did, it turned and looked at me furiously.

"How dare you evade my attack!" it said, charging at me once more. But I did the same thing again, successfully dodging. Not only was the opponent fearsome, but it had quite a temper as well. Very fortunate. The scene reminded me of heading into that lady's house and trying to escape the broom that she so eagerly swung at me with.

"I'm just doing my job," I said, teasing. I put my finger up to my head as if to say that was an obvious answer, and that the miltank was rather dull. The move only served to infuriate the cow further.

"Use your own body slam, Senori!" Sai ordered.

"My attack is just called slam, thank you very much," I said defiantly. Still, I did the same thing that the miltank had been doing before, though I was much quicker due to my smaller size. This also meant that the miltank couldn't jump over my head, or even move in any direction to get out of the way in time. My body blasted against the miltank's, causing it to lose its breath as it was knocked backward. I noticed that I didn't move him much, but the impact was still there, as the pokémon's shoulders had drooped a little and it appeared less confident.

"Good job, good job. Use slam again," commented Sai.

"Yes, yes," I said, mimicking him. I didn't say so, but I was glad for his praise, his attentiveness. It would, hopefully, serve me again sooner rather than later.

I prepared to use my slam attack once more when Whitney shouted, "Miltank, use defense curl!"

I should have known better than to attack the miltank when it was using defense curl, since it was one of my own moves that had proven to be very useful in the past. With the miltank's size and weight, the effect was all the more difficult against my small frame. I was running to the cow when it was putting itself into a rolled up position, but I was going too fast to stop myself—one of the disadvantages to being fast. When my body collided with the miltank's—just as before—this time it was me who was knocked backward. The miltank's body was rock hard, and I now had a throbbing headache. I grabbed my head, knowing it was futile, but hoping it would stop soon.

"Okay, Miltank, I think it's time for your signature move. Rollout!" Whitney commanded, and all hints of her crying self were gone.

"What's rollout?" I asked myself, afraid to soon find out. Since we were both normal-type pokémon that hadn't quite reached the threshold where we could learn the elemental moves discussed at the pokémon fan club, I was expecting for every ordered attack to be familiar and similar to my own. This, however, was completely new to me.

I waited for the miltank to obey, but it stayed in its ball-like position. It looked daunting just like that, but it was even more damaging to my self-confidence when it started rolling toward me, and at a remarkable speed I wasn't anticipating from the larger pokémon. Stunned, I wasn't able to dodge the rollout as it crashed into me, forcing my body to bend back so that I was leaning against my tail in an awkward position. The miltank continued to flatten my body as it tumbled over my stomach, my face, my ears. Out of every body part I had, the tail hurt the most. And it went without saying that I was sick of my tail hurting. It signified pride. It signified strength, and I was tired of pretending that it was an object I didn't really own just because it was in a location that I couldn't always see.

I had to evolve now, or never.

Up until now, I hadn't noticed the urge that my body had had to evolve for ages, now. It was a peculiar sensation that other sentret in my clan had reported having in the past, but they never dared act on it. It was the sensation of feeling like you were about to burst out of your skin at any moment. Your eyes bulged at random times, wanting to pop out of your body and watch from the outside as the inside of you was turned completely inside out. Your ears were hearing sounds that didn't really exist—it was the inner cry of the soul that they were hearing, but they didn't know that. Only the heart knew, and I had kept it from reacting all this time, but no longer.

The miltank must have realized what I was about to do, no doubt, since the sensation was so strong within me. It had unfurled and been watching me carefully for the last several moments. It looked entirely unhappy, unpleased. Now, however, it was rolled back up into a ball, and it was heading straight toward me, faster than ever. I had time, though, since it was all the way on the other side of the arena.

"I'm not going to let you do that, darn it!" it said harshly.

"Senori, dodge it, and quick!" Sai said.

But I wasn't planning on dodging it. No, I didn't want to dodge it. I wanted to stop the attack dead in its tracks. I had to prove that strength lay hidden inside of me somewhere else, and not just in my tail. I had relied on it in battles and in other situations too many time in the past. I didn't want that anymore.

I stood exactly where I was, facing the miltank, keeping my body as straight as I could, not allowing for any twisting or the desire to turn away. I thrust my arm and my paws forward, and waited.

"Senori, what are you doing? Dodge it!" called Sai.

"Nah," I said, grinning and hoping he could see it. He would just have to trust what was to come. He seemed accustomed to trusting people, anyhow—almost too much. So I could follow myself, just this once, and then I would never obey another command from my trainer again.

Finally, the miltank reached me and collided with me once more. Instead of allowing myself to be flattened like a pancake yet again, I pushed at the big ball, keeping it suspended on the ground. I grimaced; I was using every ounce of my body, every ounce of my power, just to keep this miltank here. And for what? I wasn't attacking it or causing damage, so this was simply delaying the battle further. I supposed that I was causing the miltank to waste some of its energy but I didn't know if that would be enough.

"I… won't let you… stop me!" I cried through gritted teeth. I couldn't see miltank's face as it rolled, but judging by the sudden increase in power at my words, I could tell that it was more angry than ever.

So I had proven to myself that I had strength somewhere else. It was an enlightening feeling, to say the least. Who knew that I had it in me? Now, I had to figure out how to give myself a chance to evolve. The miltank, given the chance, was going to try to stop me at any cost… I had to keep it distracted somehow, someway…

And in a battle, the best way to do that was to let the opponent pokémon recover from getting hurt.

I started letting the miltank push me back on purpose, letting it believe that it was finally beginning to overpower me. It was quite the opposite, but of course I didn't say so—I was controlling the situation entirely. I looked behind me, seeing how close we were to the wall. It was still quite a stretch to get there, but I could manage. I let the miltank push me back even faster now, and the fury emanating from the cow vanished—it really thought that it was winning. When we were close enough to the wall, I moved my feet to the left and then jumped out of the way completing, allowing the miltank to smash into the wall, just as planned.

I didn't waste any time after that. I let go of my inhibitions, and all of the inner energy inside of me that I had been keeping contained in a bottle of sorts. Through my eyes, I could see that I was beginning to glow. I didn't dare look down anymore—my old body was old news. Surprisingly, the transition didn't hurt at all. I could feel my body grow longer, more slender. My arms—which had felt sometimes like an odd pair of wings in the past—were now shaped like normal arms, with longer paws. My ears grew shorter, which pleased me as well, as maybe now my hearing wouldn't be so sharp, as that had also been a prominent feature in my clan… I wondered how my insides were changing, but it didn't matter, as long as everything significant was present. As far as my color went, I couldn't tell if I'd still be the dark shade of brown that I had always been. I would have to look in a mirror later, or, preferably, have Sai tell me.

When the evolution was completely, I immediately looked behind me. My bushy, important tail was no longer there. Of course, I still had a tail—I was expecting this—but it was a longer tail. A natural tail. One that wasn't blessed. And that was what mattered.

I looked at the miltank, who was staring at me vigorously. It had stood back up and kicked at the wall a few times while I was finishing. While I was fully happy with myself, it wasn't happy for me at all.

"Senori," Sai said. "You evolved! Wow…"

Ah, yes, and then there was the spectating crowd. I looked back at him, waving to him with my new arm, which felt awkward, but I was sure that I would get used to it. For now, he seemed content, and that was what counted to me.

"Miltank, I know things aren't looking too good, but you can do it! Use rollout," Whitney said. The hint of urgency had returned to her frail voice.

Miltank huffed and obeyed, returning to its ball-like form. As he headed toward me, I swished my tail around, reveling in the fact that it was a soft tail now, not one made of any substance at all.

"Use a new attack or something, Senori!" Sai said.

I chuckled. "Just because I evolved doesn't mean that I forgot all of my attacks or anything," I said, also reveling in the fact that my voice was the same.

All the while, the miltank was charging toward me once more. Yes, I was treating the miltank like a joke, now. I knew there was no hope for it.

When it was close enough to take seriously, I focused my senses. While my hearing was still intact, everything else had enhanced. I started intently at the miltank. When I thought it was best to perform a body slam, I did so—and my prediction was dead on. I hit the miltank with the full force of my new body directly on its head, stopping not only the rollout, but the entire pokémon itself. I returned to my original position, watching the effects take place. The miltank was grabbing its head and going around in circles, dizzy and confused.

"All right," Whitney said. "That's enough. A gym leader knows when she's… lost…" Before she even finished her sentence, she had already burst into tears. Her sobbing echoed throughout the entire gym, it was so loud.

"Ah," Sai said sheepishly. "I don't know… I'm sorry! I didn't expect to win! Well, I was hoping to win, of course, but I didn't want to make you cry! Can I tell you some jokes or something?"

"Jokes won't work, you jerk!" she cried as she returned the miltank to its pokéball. I watched it as it was immersed in a flash of red, thanking it for its time and effort silently.

Next, Whitney pulled one last thing out of her back pocket. She peered down at it in her hand for a moment before she flung it in my direction. It landed on the ground in front of me, so I picked it up in my new paws. The object was shaped like a golden diamond with silver edges. The gym badge certainly lived up to Goldenrod City's expectations, I thought.

I ran up to Sai—rather clumsily, I must say—and handed it to him.

"I believe it's your win, not mine," he said cheerfully, petting me on the head, "but I suppose I can hold onto it for you."

"If the miltank had made me use any body parts that I couldn't control yet, I would have been doomed. You flatter me," I said just as eagerly.

"Jerk," Whitney said again.

I looked at the others, gouging their reactions. Atis looked proud, though he didn't say anything and kept himself behind everyone else. Kuiora didn't appear as jealous of the attention as I thought she'd be. Rennio was beyond relieved that I took over his fighting position—when our eyes met, I could tell that he was saying thank you.

As for Ezrem…

"How about a good math joke?" he said. "That always cheers everyone up. So, say this gym leader and her opponent have two pokémon. The opponent loses no pokémon, while the gym leader loses both. How many pokémon does the gym leader have now?"

"Ezrem?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up," I said, but nothing could ruin my mood. My voice betrayed me; I was trying not to laugh.

We had not only won a gym badge from Whitney, but money. The first thing we did with our money was buy a new backpack, new food, new water, more clothes for Sai. He spent it all in one place, as usual—back to his old self. The second thing was purchased was a night in the pokémon center to celebrate. It was a major step up from being out in the wild, I had to admit.

Back at the pokémon center, Sai insisted on the idea that the badge was entirely mine.

"But what about me?" Kuiora cried. So she was jealous after all, I thought.

"Senori evolved! After all this time. I thought it was never going to happen," he said. "Your badge is the one you won in your own gym battle."

"That badge is lost, thanks to Senori," Kuiora pouted.

"Sorry," I said. "We can share this badge. You earned it, too. And next time, the spotlight can be yours."

"Deal," she said, satisfied.

All of us—except for Sai—sat in a circle on the carpeted floor, passing the gym badge around and indulging in its presence. That wasn't the only thing that I was thinking about, though.

Sai was sitting on the bed, looking happy yet strained at the same time. Wasn't he glad that we had won? Wasn't he glad that we could move on to the next part of journey? I got on all fours—finding this position much more preferable to standing on my tail, as if I were constantly watching for danger—and went over to Sai's new backpack. I dug through it, looking for something. When I finally found it, I wobbled over to the boy, and handed it to him.

It was the bottle of medication that he had brought back with him Atis had told me about it, and I agreed it was peculiar… but not unwelcome.

"Won't you stay with us this time?" I said. "We were worried when you left..."

Sai took the bottle slowly, turning it over in his hands for a very, very long few moments. He looked at me, smiling sadly, and he patted me on the head.

"I'll try to stay," he said simply.

And that was what I wanted. This Sai—the loyal one, the excited one, the happy one—was the one we loved and wanted to stay with us. Though he was reckless and his emotions ran higher compared to all of the other people and pokémon I'd met, it wasn't anything that we couldn't deal with. Yes, this was the Sai I wanted to protect and serve at the same time. This was the Sai that, with my new form, I wanted to continue growing as a leader with.

That night, when we were all sleeping, with Atis on the top bunk and with everyone else on the floor, I went up to be on the bed with Sai. He just smiled at me, said his mind was racing, as usual, and he couldn't sleep… as usual. I didn't say a word; I rolled myself into a tiny ball and curled up next to his side, silently telling him that I hoped that he meant what he said what he told me he would stay with us.

It was the most comfortable that I had ever been.


	19. ephemeral

chapter 19 ; [RENNIO]

ephemeral

I had to been to many places. I had been to small villages, large villages, cities, towns that wished they were cities. I had been to the sea, the desert, the highest bridge in the world. I had been to these places and back again, only in different regions. It was all the same when you thought that you could die at any moment, when you couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with you. So I could tell anyone that what could have been tasted like sand, which made me ache for something to drink as my conscious dragged me across a desert of regret. What should have been tasted like salt water, which made ships roar out to the stars in the dead of night, hoping to be answered so it wouldn't have to feel so alone on the big blue sea.

What could have been, what should have been. That was what my life consisted of. I was beyond limited, when I wanted to be limitless. I no longer wanted to fear every threat that came my way. I no longer wanted to let Annie creep into my thoughts when she was least wanted. I no longer wanted to let Ezrem's words make me think that I had to accomplish something huge, something larger than myself.

What could I do about it? Well, I had already spent enough time learning about other people and pokémon. It only hit me now that it was entirely another thing to learn _from_ people and pokémon. Yes, that was why everyone came in and out of my life in such a wild, quick paced fashion—they were meant to heal me in their own way. It was time for them to finally teach me something that was not only full of wisdom, but useful to the way in which I thought about life.

I mostly thanked Senori for this. I thanked Sai, too, but for different reasons. When Sai disappeared, I was crushed. Simply crushed. I fretted over him day in and day out, wondering if he was okay. I thought it was the Annie situation all over again, except without the fire! How could he do that to me, when we had just become partners? We had scarcely touched the surface of our journey… and then he left, leaving me to wonder what could have been all over again. It wasn't a pleasurable week, to say the least. But Senori helped me out. He showed me that I was having a strange sort of combination of delusions of grandeur and guilty delusions. I thought that everything was my fault, yet at the same time, I thought that I was invincible. Since I had already had such a low event occur in my life, it simply couldn't happen again—that was my reasoning. Senori showed me that it was all a lie. Sai had disappeared—it was true. I had to accept it: a low event had happened again. And I thought it was my fault, for not battling, or for battling poorly, rather…

Then, Sai came back. To say that I was ecstatic was an understatement. He was perfectly okay! He wanted our journey to continue! Even though he said we were going to the pokémon gym right away, I swear that it didn't matter to me at that moment. And then—when we really did arrive at the pokémon gym…! Senori's fight had inspired me. He had finally found a way to let go of his past. Even though he didn't tell me this, I could see it on his face the moment that he evolved. He looked like a free pokémon, through and through. For a moment, I felt like we were at home, though that was nowhere permanent yet.

Home.

That was where me—and Ezrem—wanted to be.

I finally approached Sai about this. I finally tried to find a way to get us there, once and for all.

That would be step one, I decided.

It was the morning after the second Goldenrod City gym battle. I woke up early that day, full of energy and determination. I noticed that Sai was up already, too—he was lying in his bed, murmuring to himself about something—and used this chance to talk to him.

"Sai," I said, approaching him. I made sure to be quiet, since Senori was lying at his side, sleeping still.

"Yes, Elekid?" he said, turning his head to look at me.

"Won't you call me Rennio?" I said first. If he was going to listen to my thoughts and take them to heart, then he had to know who I really was.

"I don't consider that your name," he said plainly, "but I know you do, along with the others. Did your old trainer give you that name?"

"Yes," I said, smiling at the positive memory of Annie. "That's why I want you to call me it, too, especially if you're not going to give me another name…"

"It would be even worse to give you another name. You can keep calling yourself what you want. Anyway," Sai said, "what did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to talk about me and Ezrem," I said, allowing him to change the subject. Someday, I believed that he would call me by my name. "Our goals for the future…"

"The future?" Sai said, as if the idea was foreign to him. I wondered if it truly was. Annie always had had a goal in mind, but they were the exact opposite of each other, it seemed.

"Yes," I said. "Me and Ezrem have been looking for home. We really want to get there someday."

"Where's home for you?"

"Unova. Rufflet are from Unova, and apparently… so were elekid… once upon a time…"

"Oh," Sai said simply, my words apparently having no effect on him. "I don't know where that is."

"There are maps and stuff to help you figure those kinds of things out," I said quickly. "And there's ships. And planes. Plenty of transportation modes!"

"Why didn't you just go there after your trainer passed, then?"

"We're just pokémon…" I said. My voice was soft; he had stung me with his blunt choice of words. Did he have any social skills at all? "We can't do that by ourselves. That's why we need you."

Sai thought for a moment. "So you want me to bring you to this Unova place, huh?"

"That's exactly right! I'll do anything for it! And so would Ezrem, if you'd give him a chance to be on the team," I said, glad we were getting somewhere now. It felt invigoration, empowering.

"What would you do?" Sai said curiously.

"I'd… finally battle for you. Ezrem would, too, if you needed him. I'll stop being a baby for you. I'll try, anyway. I'll really try… and I've never even tried before—"

"Stop," Sai interrupted suddenly. I froze, wondering if I had said anything wrong. "You don't have to try for me. That's up to you. Either way, I wouldn't be able to fulfill your request."

I could feel my heart fall. It had become a familiar sensation lately, it seemed. "Why not?" I asked.

"I can't leave the region."

"Why not?" I asked again.

"It's complicated. I have—had—people following me… If I left the region, surely they would hunt me down until the end of time… and do unimaginable things…" Sai said, looking up to the top of the bunk. He looked lost in thought now, forlorn and desperate.

"So you'll never leave the region?"

"No," Sai said, "but maybe I can get you guys there. I can't make any promises, but—"

"That's good enough!" I cried, and then I remembered that I had to keep my voice down. I stopped for a moment, then continued, "I promise that I'll fight for you from now on. We're leaving for the next town soon, right? I promise that I'll battle the first trainer that we come across. You'll see, I'll do better than I did at the gym."

But Sai didn't look impressed. "Like I said, you don't have to fight for me. In fact, your not fighting probably helps you out even more."

"What? That doesn't make any sense…" I said, wondering how on earth my not being able to fight was at all useful to anyone.

"I can't explain. But do what you want."

"Okay," I said, deciding not to push him further. He was already being mysterious and confusing as it was, and I had completed my goal of getting him to think about us going to Unova, anyway. That was a start.

We were quiet for a few moments, with him looking at me peculiarly. Even when my eyes shifted back and forth between him and whatever else I could look at nervously, he didn't stop peering over at me. His dark eyes were an odd color of blue; it almost made him look crazy, as if he were feeling intensely wound up inside. He looked like… he was longing for something. That was the best way I could put it. Maybe it had to do with me, since he was staring at me so intently.

Well, since he was looking to please me (maybe—hopefully), I dared to ask, "Will you… feed me sometime? My old trainer used to feed me… It's been a long time since anyone's done that… I just want it done, for old time's sake, you know. I'm sorry if that's weird. Yeah. I'm sorry."

At this, Sai just laughed. "I feed you all the time. Every day, in fact. So I don't know what you're talking about."

"Feeding me. Like… a baby."

Sai chuckled again. "I still don't know what you're talking about, but you aren't a baby. You can feed yourself. But maybe. Maybe that could be your prize for fighting."

I thought for a moment, satisfied with his answer—it would give me further motivation to fight, after all. "I have one last question," I said, thinking back to older times, now. His disappearance hadn't happened too far back, but still, it was just as fresh in my memory as Annie's death.

"Go for it."

"Why did you leave us? We were so worried about you…"

"…Senori said the same thing."

"Because it's true."

"I can't tell you," Sai said quietly, finally looking away. "I had… business to take care of. If I could have taken you guys along, I would have. I would have put you all in your pokéballs or something. But be glad you stayed where you were."

"Why? Being wild pokémon when we belong to a trainer is no fun at all," I said, shuddering at the idea all over again.

"Maybe one day, you'll come with me, and you'll regret you ever did."

…And that was the end of that conversation. At least we had gotten somewhere, but I understood my trainer even less, now. When would it all finally be clear to me? Perhaps never, but that wouldn't have been very ideal. I would just have to wait and see.

Though my words had seemed to come out of nowhere, I intended to keep my promise of fighting the first trainer we saw on our way to the next destination: Ecruteak City. Of course I was nervous, and of course I would probably want to back down as soon as the situation was closer, but I pushed those thoughts aside for now. We left early in the morning—shortly after our conversation, as everyone else had risen to the sound of our voices—and we headed through the northern exit of the city. I noticed Sai was walking quicker than he usually did, as if he was in a hurry.

"So, uh, why are we flying through the cities? I think that's how you put it before, anyway," I asked, keeping my pace brisk in order to keep up with him. It wasn't working. The others seemed perfectly fine with doing this.

"We are flying through the cities… because that's what I was ordered to do."

I gave up my pace in order to think about this for a moment. As long as I could see the group, I supposed that I could afford to keep myself slightly behind. Again, I tried comparing Annie to Sai. Annie was on a journey because she wanted to be. Sai was on a journey, even though he didn't want to be. Annie was a free spirit, and Sai was tired down by some invisible wires that only he could see. Yeah, that sounded about right. Did it make any more sense to me? Not at all.

I decided to try a different approach. I went up to Senori and asked him how long they had been traveling.

"Well, we spent a week and a half out in the wild recently… And we spent a week in a cave, once… but other than that, we've been moving quickly. So maybe a month, or a month and a half," Senori said thoughtfully.

"Do you know why he's going so fast?"

"No one does. You're not alone."

"Hmm. Well—"

Suddenly, Ezrem, who had been walking in front of me until now, stopped moving and let me bump into him. I stumbled backward, mumbling that I was sorry, and to watch what he was doing.

"Oops," Ezrem said, grinning. "But really. I'm trying not to let your mind wander too far. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself, don't you think?"

"Hey! That's not very nice," I said, huffing and crossing my arms.

"You're the one who says he's a baby," Ezrem said. "Look, enough's gone wrong already, right? Don't try to bring any more drama into our lives. Our schedules are full."

"Oh, yeah? And what exactly are we so busy with?" I said.

"Moving on to the next city, and getting closer to home. You should know that."

I did know that, but I didn't say anything in response. Smiling, I figured that soon, I would tell Ezrem that I had talked to Sai about going home, and that he had agreed to at least think about it. That was closer than we had ever gotten in years, since Annie never seemed like she was going to let us go or finish her journey (not that I would have left, had she not passed—but Ezrem was another story). He would be so thrilled, I just knew it! And after he knew, nothing would be able to bring his spirits down like they were at this moment, for whatever reason.

Things were quiet for a while after that. We kept traveling, and we only dared to speak up when we were hungry. Sai, of course, being the good trainer that he was—and I still believed he was a good trainer, despite what his sudden leave, because I thought that that was a problem with me, not him—fed us, but he told us that we should walk and eat at the same time, because we were running out of time. Dusk would start setting it soon, he said. Due to past experiences, I didn't feel that we had been moving long enough for it to be dark anytime soon, but I listened anyway. That was just the kind of pokémon that I was.

It was only when dusk really did start setting in that Ezrem approached me again.

"So you talked to him about going home, huh? It was hard not to notice that smile on your face after I talked about it."

"Yeah. I told him about Unova and everything," I said, surprised in a good way about his more normal demeanor.

"I don't know if Unova is really home or not. I mean, rufflet live there and all, and so did elekid, but who says that we'll like it there?"

"Ezrem?" I asked, not sure what he was saying. After we had come all this way, he was going to change his mind? It didn't make sense.

"Home could be just about anywhere. We could just take life as it is, and end up in the same happy spot as we would if he went to Unova. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"I guess… So you want to give up the plan?"

"No. If we can get to Unova, we should take that chance. I'm just saying that I'm not as excited about it as I once was."

Well, that was certainly a better response. Had he given up the plan entirely, I would have felt simply crushed. I had only followed in his footsteps was because he was so much smarter than me and because I was always so lost on my own. If he didn't even know the path to succeeding in life, I obviously wouldn't have a chance.

"Yeah…" I said, deciding to change the subject to something that I was (slightly) more confident about. To get him to think about it, I also told him that I'd fight again."

"You did?" Ezrem said, his eyes growing wide.

"I did," I said. I thought for a moment, then added, "I meant it this time, too."

"Then what am I focusing on my own self-pity for? I can find a trainer for you! This won't be a problem at all!" Ezrem said.

I didn't stop him, because he seemed so happy about my words that I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't ready yet. In truth, I didn't know if I was ready or not anymore. Senori had certainly inspired me, and I had grown a lot when Sai had disappeared, but still. I only knew that it wouldn't be hard to find a trainer. While I had promised to fight the first trainer we came across, we had encountered several trainers thus far, and Sai hadn't spoken to any of them about a battle. Either he had forgotten, or he truly thought that not fighting was best for me. I couldn't believe that. How else was I supposed to gain respect to the electivire line?

Ezrem literally ran up to every trainer we saw after that. He frantically tried pointing to them, and then to Sai, since none of them could understand him. Most of them blew him off, confused and in a hurry to find shelter before it got completely dark. When he got tired of being ignored, he started kicking them in the shins. I couldn't help but laugh. Such behavior was so… Ezrem-like, and it appealed to me greatly compared to his earlier self.

Eventually, he found a trainer who approached Sai.

"Is that your rufflet?" he said, pointing to Ezrem.

"No," Sai said, "but he likes to follow me around. He wants me to battle you."

"I can battle you," the trainer said immediately, automatically. "Let's make it interesting, okay? If I win, I get that rufflet. If I lose, you can, of course, keep him."

Sai thought for a moment. Was he really going to use Ezrem as a bargaining tool? My heart began to pound. If this was how my first battle as a brand new pokémon was going to go, then I definitely wasn't prepared or willing to participate anymore.

Finally, Sai said, "I'm not interested in making bets. Ask him."

"Tell him it's a deal. I have faith in Rennio," Ezrem said.

"Ezrem, just because you're have an identity crisis doesn't mean that you can gamble your life away!" I cried, waving my arms at him frantically. He simply kept his eyes on the trainer in front of him.

"He says okay," Sai said emotionlessly.

"All right," the boy said, licking his lips. "Let's do this."

And so it started. While I started sweating profusely, Sai and the other boy took their positions, turning the clearing we were standing on into an arena. I was already standing in the middle, so at least I didn't have to walk to the middle while my legs were shaking. This battle was off to a good start, I thought sarcastically, bitterly.

"Go, Arcanine!" the boy cried, eager to get started.

I, as usual, wasn't mentally—or physically, as it turned out—prepared for my opponent. The pokémon that appeared resembled a dog. The most notable thing I saw was that it was at least three times my size. It had a cream-colored mane covering around its neck, head, and legs. The otherwise orange pokémon had random black stripes on its body.

As a greeting, it growled ferociously.

"You have got to be kidding me," I said weakly.

"I believe in you, Rennio!" Ezrem called again from the sidelines. "What do you have to lose, anyway? Your life? You got that for free!"

I waved to him slowly, and I felt more like I was signaling for him to shut up than thanking him for his (very kind) support. I tried hard not to let my thoughts succumb to death, and so far, it was working, aside from being forced to think about it due to Ezrem's comment. Yes, there was an obvious change that had taken place in me, and it was already showing.

"Don't forget your catchphrase!" I heard Ezrem call amidst all of his cheering.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Rennio has come back to the world!"

The arcanine laughed. "You have, have you? This should be an enthralling match between me and a little pipsqueak like you."

Words were either exceedingly encouraging or exceedingly brutal, I realized. I didn't say anything, but took the mention of my size to heart. If only I had evolved… But it was too late for that. My promise to Annie had been made—and kept.

"Elekid," Sai said kindly, "show me what kind of moves you've got, okay?"

"Right," I said, trying to put myself into an intimidating stance, but the arcanine didn't seem fazed.

"You know why my trainer made such a dangerous bet for your trainer? Because he knew he wouldn't lose! You don't scare me!" it roared.

"Hmm," was my response. I couldn't back down now. I wanted to crawl back to Sai and beg him for forgiveness already, but it was too late. I had gotten myself into this mess, and it up to me to get out of it, too. This had to be done not only for my sake now, but for Ezrem's as well. I would have to smack him later for putting me—and himself—into such a life-threatening position.

I started running at the arcanine, unsure of what attack I would even be doing or how it would affect the giant monster. It had been so long since I battled that I apparently forgot the meaning of strategy. Nevertheless, I ran until I was in front of the arcanine. The dog crouched downward, looking like it was going to bite me the first chance it got. I wasn't going to give it that chance, so as I got close to his mouth, I slid down on my knees, going under his head and positioning myself under its belly. Here, I felt somewhat safe, compared to being outside in the arena, where anything could happen. I knew that I had to attack, though, so I jumped up to the arcanine's underside and kicked it with as much force as I could muster. The arcanine yelped, as he probably wasn't expecting any move from me, much less one that was so powerful. I immediately made my way back out into the arena, afraid that he would crush me in retaliation.

"Not bad for someone of your size," the arcanine said, one eye closed from wincing.

"Exactly… Don't underestimate me…" I said, but my words didn't sound very strong. My voice was still shaky, confused and lost. Baby-like.

"Sure," it said. "I won't."

"That was my low kick attack," I said, turning to Sai to make sure that he could hear me. Of course, this turned out to be a big mistake—it left an opening for the arcanine to attack me.

"Arcanine, use take down!" the pokémon's trainer called.

Before I knew it, I was being sprawled backward, landing by Sai and the others. I cried out in pain, not expecting the sudden impact of the attack. The arcanine had collided directly with my stomach, and I held it comfortingly, swaying back and forth, hoping the cradling motion would send the terrible sensation away.

"Don't talk to me," Sai ordered. "Use your own attacks."

I nodded. I had learned that Sai mostly enjoyed being a spectator of battles, while checking in here and there to keep everything sane and controlled. That made sense to me. Besides, he wasn't experienced enough to control me, so this was for the best. I made my way back to the center of the arena, legs shaking from the sudden pain. It hadn't been a terribly powerful attack, but it told me that the arcanine not only knew what it was doing, but it knew how to make full use of every single move it had.

I continued trying to run under the arcanine and using low kicks, but this time, the dog knew what to expect. Every time that I got close, it hopped out of the way with extraordinary speed, and it tried to fight back with more take down attacks. Similarly, I dodged out of the way each time—but just barely, due to the pokémon's enormity and my nervousness attempting to keep me frozen. At least my speed, during all of this break time in between battles, hadn't betrayed me much.

Eventually, I decided to stop playing games, and to try really attacking—with a move that couldn't be avoided, no matter how hard the arcanine tried. I ran to my side of the arena, making the arcanine think that I was forfeiting. I tried to focus my mind, recalling what it was like to use this attack. It felt like being pure, as if I was striking the arcanine with the full force of the night sky that everyone wishes upon. I released a series of bright, solid stars toward the dog. The arcanine tried to avoid the volley of stars, of course, but I kept shooting so many of them that several of them hit, causing more and more damage with each blast.

The arcanine growled. "How dare you use those cheap tricks," it said.

"They're legit attacks…" I countered. "Obviously."

This only made the arcanine angrier. I scolded myself, wondering why I was only serving to aggravate the pokémon further. A more furious pokémon meant more powerful attacks, and more powerful attacks meant that the battle would turn against my favor.

Apparently, Sai noticed this. "Use thundershock, Elekid!" he cried.

That, I could obey. It was the next attack that I was going to use, anyway. With all of the sweat that I had been building up on my body due to anxiety, the attack was going to have a much greater impact. I tried to focus my mind once more, remembering not only myself using the attack in the past, but the clefairy from the Goldenrod City gym. If a normal-type pokémon could use elemental attacks, then so could I…

When I released the loud, crackling streak of lightning, it felt like a huge relief to me. I had done it. I had really done it. And by my own free will, no less. It wasn't done as self-defense, and it wasn't done just for the sake of doing it. I was doing it during a battle, a real battle. I had never felt more immensely proud of myself, and I smiled as the electricity engulfed the arcanine in a beautiful yellow glow.

Then, things backfired on me. I hadn't been wanting to make the arcanine angrier, but apparently, losing made its fury rise and rise. That was the goal of the battle, of course, so I wanted to win, but… Apparently, the arcanine hadn't been expecting me to be this powerful.

"This must be a joke," the arcanine snarled. "That trainer is new, no doubt. And you—you are anything but new to this. I can feel it in my bones."

"Y-Yes… Well, that's a long story, you see—"

"One that I'm not interested in hearing," the arcanine interrupted. "If you want to play a game of elementals, then I will join you."

As if they were communicating telepathically, the trainer yelled, "Arcanine, use flamethrower!"

That was when I froze completely. Flamethrower, I knew, was the most powerful fire-type attack anyone could use. Since it was being used by a fire-type pokémon, the flamethrower's power was probably going to be beyond my imagination. It was a simple logic that even I, in my anxious state, could understand. I remembered Ezrem, and I remembered that I was the last elekid, and I remembered other instances in which I had seen hurt pokémon—none of these memories were pleasant, to say the least, though I cherished Ezrem dearly.

The arcanine drew in a deep, deep breath, and I could swear that it was grinning at me as it did so. Its head drew back, and when it burst forward, so did an intense streak of red and orange flames. I stood there, unsure of what to do. I wasn't ready to die or be hurt. I still had so much to do.

"Rennio, you have to do something!" Ezrem cried, flapping his wings up and down, up and down…

But later, I knew that _he_ knew I wasn't going to do anything. He was flapping his wings not to get my attention, but so that he could fly over to me as quickly as possible. He stood in front of me, and I saw him, and I wanted to scream at him to move, but I couldn't—even my lungs were shut down. Ezrem braced himself with one wing as the flames clashed with his tiny body.

I simply watched as Ezrem was shrouded by the fire. It hurt me, as if I were the one being hit, and so I couldn't imagine what kind of agony that my friend was going through. It reminded me of Annie, of the forest fire, all over again—like so many things did. It was as if the world was conspiring to be against us, forever and for always.

When the attack ended, Ezrem started shrieking from the pain. He hopped around like an imbecile, holding on to the wing that had taken the most damage.

"What's going on here?!" the boy cried. "The rufflet wasn't supposed to be in the battle! I can't believe this! You just hurt my shiny pokémon!"

At this, Ezrem stopped hopping, though he looked like he was going to topple over instead.

"Shiny?" he said, and he was so quiet that I was probably the only one who heard him.

"Battle's over," Sai said quickly, rushing over to me and Ezrem.

"Shiny?" Ezrem repeated. "That's what I am? That's why everyone's after me? Because I'm shiny?"

"I need to get him to a pokémon center," Sai explained, picking up Ezrem in his arms, holding him carefully.

"This isn't over yet! The bet is still on!"

"The bet is over! No one wins," Sai said firmly, glaring at the boy. He started running back toward Goldenrod City, motioning for all of us to follow.

We all followed, with me being the farthest behind.

It took about an hour to get back to the Goldenrod City pokémon center. The entire time, Ezrem was shrieking from either pain, or from the realization that he was a shiny pokémon. I wasn't sure what that meant, but evidently it was nothing special.

When Sai handed Ezrem over to the nurse at the counter, she asked what on earth had happened.

"We ran into a tough pokémon," was all Sai said, his head drooping low. He was out of breath, but he was doing a good job at trying not to let it show.

"My goodness," she said. "It definitely looks like he got burnt. I'll have to take a closer look at him. Please wait in the lobby, and I'll come get you as soon as I have more information."

"Thank you," Sai said.

The running, the encounter with the nurse, the waiting—it all went by like a blur to me. It wasn't something that I pleasantly wanted to remember, anyway. I had gotten Ezrem hurt, and badly so. I hadn't meant to, I really hadn't. My freezing was supposed to be my problem, not his! He shouldn't have run into the arena so selflessly. He shouldn't have taken the blow for me. It should have been me who had gotten burnt. At least he wasn't killed—that would, of course, be the worst outcome—but still… Once again, I was overcome by endless, all-encompassing guilt.

"It's okay…" Sai said, noticing this. He was patting me on the shoulder. "Rennio, you did a good job," he added.

"Rennio…" I said to myself. Sai had finally called me by my name.

I started crying, both from happiness and sadness.

Until now, I hadn't thought such a thing was possible, but it was.


	20. mentality

chapter 20 ; [EZREM]

mentality

To think that the world was keeping such a huge secret from me was unbelievable. To think that this was how everyone repaid me for all the damage I had done… It was deniable. More than anything, I wanted to deny it. I had started trying to be a good pokémon, after all! I was staying away from Kuiora, because she was so much better than me, and I didn't want to taint her further than I already had. I was trying to help Rennio in his time of need by encouraging him in my own way—he would understand entirely, I knew. And I had taken the heat for him—literally, even! While my whole body had been engulfed in pain, my one wing was badly burnt, or so the nurse had said.

I had just been handed over to the nurse by Sai, and she had said that. That was the only good thing about this whole situation—Sai was showing that he at least cared about me a little by taking me to the pokémon center, despite his obvious wish to get to Ecruteak City as soon as possible. So the rotten boy did have a soft spot in his heart for me!

But now, that was by far the last thing on my mind. My head was reeling, and I felt like I was going to vomit at any moment. My one wing ached vaguely, and as for the other one… Well, I wouldn't have minded it being amputated if it meant that the agony would subside.

The nurse brought me into the back room of the pokémon center. There were plenty of beds, some of them filled with obviously sick pokémon, and others completely empty and cleaned, ready for use by anybody. Next to each bed was a large, grey machine that was similar to the one behind the main counter. I assumed that it was used to heal pokémon.

But the nurse didn't hook me up to this machine. She simply set me on the bed and told me to relax, and that everything was going to be okay. Her voice sounded so sad that I couldn't believe her.

"Everything will be all right," she said again. She went out of the room for a moment, and came back with a glass of water. "Drink this," she said. "Keep yourself hydrated."

Next, she went over to the far wall and grabbed a pair of gloves from a small box. She put them on. I knew that she was preparing to touch me, and I flinched just thinking about it. But she didn't even touch me at first. Looking at me, she began mumbling to herself about how the feathers had been charred off, and that the skin underneath appeared very pale. Finally, she reached toward me—I braced myself to feel an immense amount of pain, but shockingly, when her gloves came into contact with my wing, I felt nothing.

"Does that hurt?" she said.

"N-No," I managed to say.

"I see," she said, and I swore she sounded sadder. Just great, I thought. Then—"I'm going to examine your airway," she added calmly, soothingly, "and check your breathing, to make sure that you're functioning correctly there."

That was fine, I thought. I could deal with that. I breathed in and out as normally as I could, and it only hurt when I exhaled, as part of the flames had struck the lower part of my neck. Apparently, she was concerned about this.

"Your airway seems fine, which is good," she said. "But the wing…"

And it all went downhill from there.

The nurse picked me up and cradled me as she brought me back out to Sai. When he saw us, he stood up immediately, and looked at her expectantly.

"Well?" he said. "What's wrong with him?"

I wanted to choke him then, and tell him that there was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing wrong at all… And it just so happened that everyone but me thought the opposite!

"The base of Ezrem's neck and his one wing are minor burns that can be treated with care and in time. The other wing, however… The other wing has sustained severe third degree burns…" the nurse said, her voice trailing off, as if she couldn't continue. She cradled me further, though, and it would have been comfortable—if I wasn't able to understand her.

"So? What does that even mean? What are you trying to say?" Sai said, motioning for her to go on with his hands. Such an impatient little boy, he was.

"Third degree burns are also called full thickness burns. This is because they destroy the entire outer layer of skin, and the layer of nerve fibers underneath. This means that usually, not a lot of pain can be felt, which seems like a fortunate sign," the nurse said. She sighed. "But unfortunately, these types of burns cannot be treated, even with care and in time, even with our machines here. I'm sorry, but he may not be able to use his wing anymore."

I froze. I had been expecting something terrible, but I hadn't been expecting this. I wouldn't be able to fly anymore? I wouldn't be able to suspend in the air, showing off to the world that I was freer than everyone else? A part of me that had been with me through thick and thin would no longer be there. It was inconceivable, impossible…

Sai got my hopes when he said, "He _may_ not be able to? Is there any other way?"

"There could be a way, but I can't be certain. No one can."

"What is it?" I blurted out. I would do anything she asked—

"Well, skin grafts could be an option. Skin grafts are used to permanently replace destroyed tissues. They are very expensive, however, and would require Ezrem to stay for a much longer period of time in order to recover."

Sai thought for a long, long time. The nurse was about to prod him to speak when he said, "I'm a trainer. I don't have much money…"

My heart fell. Of course we didn't, I already was aware of this. And I knew, even though he wasn't saying it, that we were low on time, too, for whatever reason.

"There's another way, though," she went on. "If he evolves, the nerve fibers may be replaced and he could use his wing again. It may not be as effective, but it's better than nothing. It's a possibility, anyway."

… I would do anything she asked, except for that.

Of course the solution to my problem would be the one thing that I had promised I wouldn't do for Annie. I mean, at the time, I only did it because I wanted to get home, and I willing to listen to anything she said… and I had planned on evolving sometime when I was on my own… and she was gone now… and I wanted to keep her memory alive now that I cared what I had done to her… I just didn't know. This was also inconceivable, impossible.

"Okay," Sai said. He looked at me solemnly, as if he were telling me sorry for neglecting me all this time. "What else can we do?"

But I was lost in a train of thought, and I didn't want to hear it.

I was hit with two low blows in a row. I had lost the use of my wing, through a situation that could have been entirely avoided if I weren't so stupid. That's not to say that I regretted saving Rennio. That just meant that I shouldn't have pushed for him to battle in the first place… even if he really needed to do it eventually.

And the secret. The secret!

How could I not have known? That was the first thing that I wondered when I found out. Really. After all these years, why hadn't Annie told me? Knowing her, it probably wouldn't have mattered whether or not she told me. But she had always believed that one should be aware of their own identity, so… why hadn't she told me? Why hadn't Rennio told me? And why hadn't Kuiora, given her love for rare and legendary pokémon? On second thought, she had been close to telling me, once, but we had gotten interrupted. Thinking back on it now, I was grateful that she hadn't told me, because that meant that she didn't have to see me this way…

My mind continued spinning as we left the pokémon center and started heading back toward Ecruteak City.

"We're heading back, now," Sai said. "I'm sorry for the interruption." And that was all that I had bothered to listen to. He carried me as he walked briskly, as if he thought that my legs weren't able to move or something. And maybe he felt sorry for me. And I was sorry to say, buddy, that I didn't want your self-pity. But I didn't make a sound. No one else did, either, but I thought that I heard Rennio crying—again.

I soon found out what the nurse had said about healing my burns, however, when we had reached the same clearing where the incident had taken place. Sai had stopped here on purpose and set me down. He asked for Kuiora to step forward, and for the rest of the group to back off.

"Kuiora," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. Could she still think that I was special? Probably not!

She nodded. Her head tilted backward, and when she lurched forward, a soft stream of water came, too. She hit me in the neck, and then moved toward my other wing. Since the wounds were still fresh, I roared in pain.

"What was that for?" I cried through gritted teeth.

"The nurse said you have to take cool baths for your burns," Sai explained, "and it just so happens that we have a water-type pokémon on the team. Aren't you lucky?"

I felt anything but lucky, but I said nothing.

Next, Sai handed me two small pills, similar to the ones he had been taking himself. "For the pain," he said, and we both nodded. I opened my mouth and he stuck them on my tongue. I nearly died trying to swallow them without water, but I managed to get them down and keep them down.

"And now," Sai said, taking out a small bottle from his pocket, "we put some cream on it."

He put some of the cream on his hands, and he gently rubbed it into the side of my neck, and on both of my wings. Of course, the wing that would be out of commission forever didn't hurt, while the others were still trying to make me scream. I didn't know whether to be thankful or spiteful over the fact that the worst burn was mocking me by staying so silent.

Finally, Sai took out some bandages from his pocket. I assumed that he got all of these supplies from the nurse, and I vaguely wondered what would happen if we ran out on the middle of the route. I thought back to when I told Rennio our schedules were full. This conversation had just happened this morning. Then, my only worry was getting home. Now, I was worried about being a shiny pokémon that everyone targeted, and being a useless flying-type pokémon for the rest of my life.

Sai placed a square shaped patch on my neck, over the minor part that was burned slightly. Then, he wrapped the other two wings fully. He had to try at least three times before he got it right, though.

"Sorry," he said. "I've never done this before."

"It's okay," I said sadly. "Me neither."

When he was finally finished and satisfied with his attempt, I tried flapping my wings and immediately regretted it. My left wing didn't—couldn't—move at all, and my right wing paid me back in full for daring to move it. I cringed.

And soon enough, all was quiet again. Sai offered to carry me the rest of the way, but I said no, I wanted to walk with the rest of the group. In truth, I wanted to talk to Kuiora… and after that, I wanted to talk to Rennio.

I ignored the desperate looks from the elekid as I motioned for Kuiora to come to the back of the line with me. I saw Rennio turn his back to me regretfully as he started following Sai. Occasionally, I saw him turn back again and again, but he never said a word. He acted and looked as if he had been the one burnt instead. And in a way, I was sure he felt burnt. I would have to take care of it later.

I wondered what would come of these conversations. At least Kuiora was still caring for me. That was a start. But she looked angry, I knew, as if she didn't want to help me to begin with. Maybe it was all in my head, but I sure didn't think so.

"Well, what do you want?" she said in a tone that pretty much confirmed my fears.

When I didn't answer, she looked as if she was about to leave, but I stopped her by pecking her on the tail. She soon acquiesced, sick of the passive-aggressive attacks.

"Do you want to know," I started, "what's worse than a legendary pokémon who has a short temper, is a bit smite happy, and who has no developed sense of humor?"

"Uh," she said. "Sure?"

"What's worse is a legendary pokémon with a short temper who is _very_ smite happy, and has a highly developed sense of humor."

"I'm not sure I know what you're getting at…"

"Even the legendary pokémon can be just like us! They can destroy others, destroy places, and get lost in their own minds. It's such a mind blowing catastrophe."

"Ezrem, are you okay? I mean, I know you're not okay… But even before all of this, you haven't seemed like yourself lately."

"I'm special to you, and therefore I am invisible, like the rest of your worshipped friends. Who cares?" I said, knowing that I was being difficult, but I didn't care.

"I do, and that's exactly why!"

I couldn't stand it. I wanted her to care, but at the same time I didn't. Looking over at Atis, I thought about bothering the others.

"What about you, Atis?" he said, hopping over to the fighting-type pokémon, who was staying close to Sai from behind. "Do you care?"

"I guess so…" he said, looking at Ezrem oddly. Apparently, he had been eavesdropping. As expected from the quietest member of the group.

"What do you think about the legendary pokémon? What do you think about me? Am I evil?"

"W-Well, I've never seen you do anything bad… like hurt anyone or anything…" Atis said, walking slower and slower now, his feet turning uncomfortably as he did so.

"Any decent human being wouldn't do such a thing. But I am neither decent or a human being. You lose."

"Ezrem—" Kuiora tried to start, but she didn't seem to know where she was going with it.

"Calm yourself, Kuiora," Ezrem said, speaking for me. "I am clearly having an identity crisis here, and you are not allowed to interrupt."

"You're my friend. I'll interrupt if I want to. Why don't we keep standing in the back and talk it out a little?"

But I didn't want to talk it out anymore, though I knew it was inevitable. Torn, I kept spouting out nonsense, talking about how everyone in the world was keeping a secret from me that I just couldn't figure out.

"But I finally found out," I told Kuiora. "I'm a shiny pokémon. A real, live, breathing shiny pokémon. Isn't that fantastical?"

"Ezrem," she said, "it's not a bad thing. That's why I've thought you were special all this time, and you're still—"

"But you must be mad, right? Obviously, I didn't know that I was shiny, but I still claimed myself to be legendary in front of you. That's some deceitful stuff right there, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I'm angry… but I can't stay angry with you, considering the state you're in," Kuiora said, looking me over thoroughly, making a point. "I've been angry before, and I've learned from it. I don't want to be that way again, especially not with you."

"You should be angry. Angrier than you've ever been."

"Why? What's so bad about being a shiny pokémon?" she asked, genuinely curious.

She wanted to know why it was a bad thing? I could tell her why. I told her everything. I told her about making Rennio believe that he was the last elekid on this planet, just so that he would become attached to me and never want to leave. I told her that being a shiny pokémon suddenly made me feel like the only shiny rufflet in the world, and it made me feel lonely, and I wanted to bring someone down with me. I was missing my monster more than anything. I told her that I wanted to be the same monster that I was when I killed my previous trainer in a fire. In a fire that I started. I told her how ironic it was, now, that I should get burned myself. It was karma, I knew. Pure karma.

"And that," I concluded, "is why you should be mad with me. I am a terrible pokémon, and I know it, and I won't stop it, though I've tried. I tried keeping quiet with you, and I'm going to tell Rennio… soon. Not today, but soon."

Kuiora stopped walking, making me stop, too. Her face was turning red, the sides of her mouth turned down as low as I had ever seen them.

"You killed your trainer? You told Rennio that?" she said weakly.

"I did," I said, smiling for dramatic effect.

"I don't want to be angry. Don't do this," she said, noticing my theatrics. She knew me too well.

"You should hurt me. Or kill me. Or something. Really. I deserve it."

"No, Ezrem!" Kuiora cried. "I won't!"

When she continued this persistent refusal for a little while, Sai finally stopped moving, probably having heard part of the conversation despite being several steps ahead of us, thanks to Kuiora's frantic screaming. I couldn't see his face, but his fists were clenched, and I feared for the worst.

He turned, bent over, and picked me up by the wing—the bad one. I hung there, trying to flap my other wing wildly, ignoring the pain, trying to make a point that I was still stronger than he ever would be as a trainer. I was either yelling out obscenities or grunting sounds at this point, and eventually, when I realized that I truly needed both of my wings to get anywhere, I let Sai win and let myself go limp.

"Let's get this straight," Sai said, keeping his firm grip on me. "You are not on this team. I helped you and broke the rules yet again out of the kindness of my heart, but you are still not on this team. I don't know what you were saying, but you won't antagonize my pokémon if you're going to keep following us around. You've only been allowed to follow us around because of… Rennio. It was a favor I did for him in exchange for his being on my team. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, yeah," I said quietly. I was much calmer now, but looked much more ashamed. I should have felt ashamed, I thought. I wanted to be on this trainer's team, and I already had very little hope of doing so… and now, my chances might have just been ruined forever.

"Besides," Sai said, suddenly calmer now. "He cares a lot about you, so you should listen. He came to me just this morning to talk about you. I'll leave you to guess what it was about, since you won't talk to him or listen to others."

"Okay," I said simply. I didn't mention how we had already talked about it, and I dreaded the fact that we had to talk yet again, and soon. My witty comments and his jokes were set aside. "I'm sorry," I added, my voice even more quiet.

It was strange, in a way, to have Sai being the only one to calm me down. There was some solace, I knew, in the fact that he didn't like me. I felt that I deserved it. With Rennio and Kuiora, I wanted them to hate me yet I wanted them to love me at the same time. It was a poor place to be on the battlefield on friendship.

Sai lowered his arm and released his grasp on my wing, causing me to start falling to the ground, but I kept myself levitated before I crashed, making my wing explode with pain yet again. At this rate, how long would it take to heal? My landing was soft and quiet, unlike the previous conversation and confrontation.

Kuiora didn't give up, as expected. I both despised her and cherished her for it at that moment. She came up to me, asking, "Do you know what the most important thing in this world is?"

"If you say friendship, I'll stab you with your spinal cord," I retorted.

"Despite everything, I know you wouldn't do that," Kuiora said. "It _is _companionship, though. I used to only want companionship with legendary pokémon, and ignored everyone else at Professor Elm's lab for it. Now, I regret it, and I'd like to start over. I won't even consider you legendary if you think it's a bad thing, okay?"

I looked down at myself. I was red. The color of passion, of violence. Even more ironically, it was the color of fire. It fit me perfectly. What color was I really supposed to be? I asked her.

"Blue," she said. "I've seen pictures. That's how I knew."

"I see," I said. The color of loneliness was blue. I was not meant to be blue, and therefore… I wasn't meant to be lonely? Was that what it was? It was such a strange, strange concept. "So… you still want to be with me?"

"I do."

"Then… if you really want to… I'd like to spend more time together, too. I say that Arceus made another one of me to love you better than I ever will, but we can settle with my stupid self for now, I suppose. So… what are you doing between now and forever?"

Kuiora giggled, and I knew that all was well.

That was one battle down. Now, I had another battle to face. In some respects, it was the harder of the two battles, and in some respects, it was easier. I knew Rennio better, for one, so I knew that he would instantly begin by incessantly asking for forgiveness. But it was this same exact thing that made it harder—I knew him, and yet he didn't know me. He didn't know the first thing about me, even after all these years. The fact made me want to open to him, but it wasn't time. Not yet.

"Rennio," I said, leaving Kuiora with her giggling self to go to talk to him.

He snapped his head in my direction, and I could see his teary eyes. So he had been crying, after all. This was nothing new. It was only new in the sense that he was crying over me. Usually, he was always crying about himself… I mentally scolded myself for making him cry, even though I had tried to be… heroic. Something less than sinful.

"E-Ezrem!" he said, turning his body around fully and embracing me. I winced at the agony, but made no attempt to pull back.

"You're, uh, squishing me," I said to make him let go. He finally did, and I ruffled my feathers with my beak to make me feel at tiny bit more comfortable among all these bandages. The medicine was starting to settle in, at least, and I felt more at ease.

"Sorry," he said. "I bet that must have hurt"—I shook my head up and down—"but sorry for everything. I tried to battle, I really did. But that attack just seemed so powerful. And look, I was right! It got you burned, and it's all my fault…"

He started sobbing again. I used my head to turn his body around, and made him keep walking, so we wouldn't get too far behind. I saw Kuiora turned toward us, smiling, but she turned to face Sai again when she saw me looking at her. It gave me some of the strength I needed to talk to Rennio.

"Rennio, do you know why I jumped in front of that arcanine's flamethrower?"

"No… Not at all…"

"Because I wanted to. What would happen if you got injured?" I said, stopping myself for a moment. I didn't want to pull the card that told him he was the last elekid in the world, not anymore. "My… My best friend would have gotten hurt. And badly. And that would have made him very, very sad. So I wanted to prevent that. It was only the natural thing for me to do."

"I would have been sad, yeah… But now I'm sad that you're hurt, too!" he wailed.

"I know. I know," I said. "But it's not so bad. Um. I'd even… prefer myself to be this way, you know?"

"You… You do? Who would ever want to be injured?" Rennio said.

"Think of it this way. I'm really strong, right? And these burns are a setback, yeah. But when I face pokémon in battle and defeat them—or any other adversary, really, such as life itself—think of the praise I can receive when I win!"

"Oh… I guess I get it…" Rennio said, wiping away his tears.

"Do you, Rennio? Praise shall be sung from one corner of the nation to the next. Statues could be raised in my honor. People could name their children after me. That sort of thing, you know? Usually, notes of the famous songs die out, statues crumble, and more people die. Still, I would live on as a monument of pride. People will tell tales around campfires to send shudders down others' spines, mothers will tell children that if they are bad I shall return for them and drag them screaming into the night, scholars shall use me as a cautionary tale that power can have too high a price, and both the pious and the wicked will pray to their gods in their temples and cry upon their deathbeds to save them from the fires below, where I shall be waiting for them. That, my dear Rennio, is legacy. So yeah, I don't mind these burns one bit."

"Wow," Rennio breathed, and his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Exactly. I've blown your mind, just like I can strike the hearts of many others with my newfound self."

"Are you really sure, Ezrem? You like to tell these stories all the time," he pointed out.

"I'm very sure," I said, finding it somehow odd that he had noticed and yet believed me every other time I told him something.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I'm not a water-type pokémon or anything, but I can surely do something…"

"Not really."

"I want to do something, though…"

"Ask Sai to change my bandages next time. We'll see if you can do it."

"Okay! Is there anything else?"

"Rennio, I am miserable for the moment and perfectly happy about it. You don't have to do a thing."

The idea of me being happy was a lie, but in this case, it was a lie that was necessary and warranted. Without it, Rennio would carry around the guilt of hurting me forever. That was just the kind of pokémon he was. And anyway, white lies were simply truths that someone tucked under the bed, all the while showing the receiver of the white lie to the doorway so they would not ask any questions. The other lies I had told—the ones I had confided to Kuiora instead, for the moment—would be handled somewhere further down the line.

Eventually, Rennio gave up. The conversation was short and it was over. It had gone about as well as I had expected. If I had had any luck, he would have hated me for the rest of my life, and then asked me to leave him and Sai in peace. Such was not the case. Maybe someday, I thought, when he finds out everything, but I didn't have much hope.

For now, we weren't anywhere close to Ecruteak City, our real destination, but I felt that I had reached a new part of my life. There was going to be hard times and good times, obviously—but I could handle them. I was handling burns, and I was becoming more and more aware of myself. Those two things would help me become… a better pokémon. A better bird. A better friend.

I thought of Annie again. I thought of the ways she compared the grand scheme of life to the more ordinary gifts of life. She said that when she pictured herself it was always just like an outline in a coloring book with the inside not yet completed. Or she said that, if no coloring books were available, she would look at the night sky and think that her life would make up a picture within the stars; she would connect the dots and everything would make sense. The lines had finally been filled in. That was how I felt.

Up until the incident, I was nothing but a good liar. Now, I was nothing but forgiven.


	21. cynosure

chapter 21 ; [ATIS]

cynosure

If there was anyone in the world I didn't want to be (next to my hitmontop self, of course), it was Ezrem. Though valiant, he was being incredibly reckless. Running into an attack like that… I could never dream of doing it. And finding out he was a shiny pokémon… Well, it was a shock to me, too. Of course, I knew what shiny pokémon were, thanks to Earl. Their rarity and value were very well known to me; some of the kid's dreams were to find one for themselves one day. So I knew what kind of trauma it would cause to find out you were one of them—to be wanted by so many pokémon lovers in the world would be unbearable.

While we were waiting in the pokémon center, I thought about what it would be like to not know myself as well as Ezrem. What if I didn't know whether or not I hated my species? What if I didn't know how I truly felt about humans? What would I have? Who would I be? In a sense, I didn't know myself. I didn't know where I wanted to go with the life that I was given. I didn't know where I would go once I left Sai.

But Ezrem's situation had given me some ideas. Maybe I could offer to work in a hospital—one for humans, and maybe pokémon—so that I could help people who truly needed it. Maybe I could volunteer—the term that Earl had pinned down for my job at the pokémon academy—my time to charities and assisting others. I would be around people whose lives didn't revolve around pokémon, which was what I wanted, and I could explore other options—reading, poetry, games that involved skill and strategy—on the side.

Yes, I had ideas now, which is more than what I had ever had before. It was time to go. It was time to help Sai out, and repay him back for all that he had done for me… And he had done a lot, despite everything. He gave me shelter, and food, and entertainment, and he taught me what it was like to be human… It was tough, being human, there was no doubt. Though he didn't live up to all of my expectations, it didn't mean that I didn't enjoy our time together. I only hoped that he thought the same, but I couldn't be sure. I believed that I was one of his problems. The art of pokémon training put such a great strain on him that I wondered if he thought he could go back and change it all. All those rules, all that pain, all those breakdowns… None of it could have been healthy for him.

If I could rid Sai of one of his problems, I could do that.

"Sai," I said quietly as we waited, not wanting to disturb the peaceful atmosphere of the healing building. When he didn't answer, I poked him in the shoulder gently. He looked thoughtful and stressed when he looked at me.

"Yes, Atis?"

"I…" My voice trailed off; I wasn't sure how to go about this. "Well… Do you remember the time you gave us a choice? You made us say whether or not we wanted to stay or go..."

Sai was quiet and his stare lingered. I swallowed and twiddled my hands around, nervous. Finally, he said, "Yeah, I remember. Why… Why do you bring it up now?"

The pause in his voice—it sent shivers down my spine. When he talked, he was always so brash, so sure in what he was saying, even if he regretted it later. In the moment, he knew what he wanted to say, and he said it with such admirable boldness. But now he was stopping his speech, and it made me wonder—

"I… I think I've made my decision," I said, not daring to look him in those heartbreaking eyes of his.

"You want to leave, don't you?"

I nodded, still refusing to look his way. The others, however, weren't afraid to glare or peer at me, depending on their sudden views.

"So, you finally decided something for yourself, huh?" Senori said. He smiled at me, albeit sadly, and I forced myself to smile back.

"Atis," Kuiora said, "we haven't settled our competition yet to see who is stronger out of the two of us!"

"I can assure you," I said, trying to sound as bold as Sai, "that you are stronger than me now."

"You think so?"

"Yes. I never fight, and I don't hone my skills. You do—all the time."

"You're still going to leave? Don't you want to get stronger?"

"I want to get stronger," I admitted, "but not in the physical sense."

"Atis, I don't know you enough to say you should stay or leave," Rennio said, "but I would have liked to learn more about you. I'll be sad to see you go."

"Thank you, Rennio," I said, surprised at his wanting to learn about me. I wondered what he would have thought about me, what with my abnormal view of not wanting to be all that a pokémon _can _be. In the end, I decided that this, too, was for the best.

Now, all that was left was to wait for Sai's response. He continued to look at me, and I cast my eyes upward to see him. I knew that I would have to do it sooner or later, and it was as good a time as any. Those dark blue eyes still looked sad, but I was entirely convinced that it was only because Ezrem was in the back of the pokémon center, hurt and probably scared for his life. I didn't envy him, but I empathized. And I was sympathetic for Sai, thinking that it even though everyone looked forward to being a trainer, it wasn't a walk in the park when all was said and done.

"When would you like to go?" was all that Sai said.

"Soon," I replied quickly, believing that his response was his way of telling me that he was glad for my departure, "to get out of your—"

"Atis," he suddenly interrupted. "Do you know what today is?"

I froze. Today was the day that Ezrem got hurt, and today—hopefully—would be the day that I left this team for good. I couldn't think of any other possibilities.

"N-No," I managed to say.

"Earl told me all about you," Sai said. He paused, seeming lost in thought. He seemed to be doing that a lot today… Eventually, he continued, "He told me that in the middle of June was the time that you came to him at the pokémon academy as a... tyrogue, I think it was. He said that you were with him for three years. If you were still with him today, this would mark the beginning of the fourth year."

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Even I hadn't remembered this. Did Earl really care about me so much that he remembered the exact day that I came to him? And he cared enough that he told my future trainer all about me! I mean, I never doubted that he was a caring man, but it still came as an eye opener to me. The beauty of loving pokémon seemed to shine through at times like this…

"It's the middle of June, isn't it?" I said, finishing his thoughts for him.

"Yeah," Sai said. "It's not the exact day, but it's close."

"Why," I couldn't help but say, "does it matter?"

"Atis," Kuiora immediately scolded, "don't you know what that means? It's your birthday!"

My birthday? I knew what a birthday was, and it certainly wasn't this. Nevertheless, I didn't protest, and let her believe what she wanted.

"Professor Elm always celebrated the day that me and the other pokémon at the lab joined him. He said that the year was full of good memories of us growing up," Kuiora went on. "This means that we should celebrate before you go! It's a must, and I won't take no for an answer. If you want," she added, winking, "we can even celebrate the fact that you admitted I'm stronger than you."

At this, I had to laugh. Kuiora's childish self was really shining through, and I admitted to myself that I would miss it. I was sure that I could find a childish character just about anywhere in the world, but no one could be better at it than her.

"I don't know what a birthday is," Sai said peculiarly, "but I think she's right. We should celebrate before you go." He stopped again, thinking. "Please stay with us long enough to get to Ecruteak City again. This place has brought… interesting memories, but the celebration's location should bring only good ones. And as you know, we have to tend to Ezrem, too."

"O-Okay," I said, knowing I could manage just a few more days with them. It would give them time to accept my leaving and adjust to the idea without facing the pain that I was already gone, anyway.

It was the least that I could do, I thought, considering the bad news that soon followed.

The next two days went by slowly and quickly at the same time. It was slow in my mind, because I was still befuddling myself over the fact that I wasn't one hundred percent sure what my next actions would be. Clearly, I would be starting in Ecruteak City, but I didn't know what the renowned city had to offer besides burned towers that once housed the legendary pokémon that created Johto. As fascinating as that was, the stories weren't going to get me anywhere. They would be good for Kuiora, at least, though she had probably already heard the stories a thousand times before, knowing her.

The trip was quick—literally. With Sai carrying Ezrem in his arms and with his swift pace, we were making great time. We had reached the same clearing where the incident took place by the middle of the first day. We took a break, however, to temporarily tend to Ezrem's wounds. Why Sai had waited until we reached the clearing again was beyond me; if it were up to me, the wounds would have been taken care of in the pokémon center. But I was in no position to judge Sai, no matter how odd he seemed.

As we went on, there then was the point where Ezrem was having his so called identity crisis, and he went off on Kuiora and—to a much lesser extent—me. Sai had to interrupt, and his sudden fury made me cower, as always, and it only made me glad that I was leaving. I would only partly miss his rollercoaster emotions. The situation did serve, however, to prove to me what happens when someone doesn't know themselves—they go crazy, and can only be tamed by the goals they have set for their future. I continued to sympathize with the bird, even though he had caused many problems for me in the past. He did help me to know, after all, that I didn't want to be someone like him.

Everything after that was quiet. I saw Ezrem and Rennio talking, but I couldn't hear them. And Kuiora seemed both furious and pleased at the same time, but I didn't question her. Senori passed me his famous all knowing smiles at me from time to time, as there were no more words to pass between us. All that needed to be said was said during the mock battle at the pokémon fan club. That was fine with me.

The night before we reached Ecruteak City, I woke up just in time to see Sai sneak off. I was too dazed and tired to follow him, but I still took great note of it. His walk was slow, too, making me believe that he was just… thinking. Yeah, he was just thinking. I convinced myself of this and went back to sleep. He would be there in the morning.

And he was there in the morning. This brought about a great sense of relief to me. To have him disappear on me again would have put a big dent in our plans and an even bigger dent in our broken team. No one asked where Sai had gone the previous night—it would only be until much later that I would find out.

"So," Sai said as we walked past the front gates that indicated we were now entering the city, "what are you supposed to do on a birthday, anyway?"

"Have lots of cake," I said before Kuiora could butt in and say something completely out of line.

"Don't forget presents," she said, getting her own word in, anyway.

"Okay. Cake and presents. Uh," Sai said, stopping to rest for once. He peered around, taking in his surroundings. There were plenty of tall, well made oriental buildings around, and they looked like they were recently—and frequently—cleaned, to keep away graffiti and the harshness of nature. They were also thoroughly taken care of in the sense that, up close, I couldn't see a single hole in any of the walls. The pavement below our feet was set up with a grid-like pattern, and along the roads were high, triumphal arches—I had learned that structures like this were meant to honor the rulers who had built the city in the past. The towers in the back of the city, of course, stuck out among anything, as they were among the tallest. One of them was noticeably burned and broken, while the other's embattlements at the top still looked strong and loved.

This was obviously a city that took care of its buildings, and therefore its people. It looked like a very efficient and suitable place for me.

"Okay," Sai said again, breaking my focus of the city. As he said this, someone approached the gate, motioning us to move out of the way so he could get past. We took a few steps forward, with Sai mumbling in discontent over the idea that someone had pushed him around yet again. Afterward, however, he was thrilled and inspired.

"Good thing we have money again, or this would be impossible," Sai went on happily. "Clearly, the first place we should go is to the shopping center."

And so that was where we went. We had to peer inside several buildings that were open to the public, seeing a restaurant and a dance hall in the process, but we eventually found it and ventured inside. The shopping center wasn't nearly as huge as the mall in Goldenrod City, but it still brought back memories, and I vaguely wondered what Sai had done—or would eventually do—with the pocket knife he had bought. And I hoped that he wouldn't think such a thing was a perfect gift for me.

Luckily for me, he didn't think so. He went up and down the aisles, picking up peculiar items, just as he had done before, but he always put them back where they belonged. Soon he reached the electronics section, and he picked up a small, cheap camera.

"Atis," he said, "do you like taking pictures?"

I was nervous so I nodded but then said, "I've never taken any before, so I don't know…"

"Is it something you'd like to do? Won't you remember us with it? Pictures can show you just about anything, right?"

"I could. Right. I could do it," I said, now smiling. Sai was being thoughtful and considerate toward me, and only me, when often he put himself at the center of his world. I was grateful for that, even if I couldn't show it. It only made me wonder further, though, about what kind of person he associated himself with back at home.

"It's settled, then," Sai said, handing it to me. "This will be your present from all of us."

Kuiora cheered, Rennio was explaining to Ezrem what the situation was, and Senori was quiet. Would I like to capture this moment forever? I took the camera from Sai, and we went to the counter to purchase it.

"Next," Sai said as we walked out of the store, "we'll need a cake. That's a food, right? So we'll go back to that restaurant we passed by."

Inside, chandeliers hung from the ceiling—the lighting was dim, giving off a relaxed atmosphere. I soon noticed that this was a pokémon themed restaurant, however, when the frames on the walls were full of pictures depicting pokémon from different regions, and, when we were seated (which Sai was confused about, since we had never been to a formal restaurant before), the table's design was embellished with etchings of small, quick pokémon related facts. The theme served to remind me of why I was leaving, and, even if I wasn't fond of it, the idea was appropriate.

Overall, though, the restaurant was a nice one, but I was pretty sure that it wouldn't be so specialized to the point where it would serve cake to anyone who asked. And I was right. Looking at the menu now, there was no cake listed anywhere. I had to laugh, though, when Kuiora was looking at it upside down, asking what all of the funny shapes on the paper was.

"Kuiora doesn't know how to read," Ezrem said in a teasing manner.

"Neither do you," Rennio retorted. It helped that he knew things about Ezrem that no one else knew, and he gave Kuiora a high five for it. The difference in size between the two pokémon's hands made it difficult, so it was amusing.

"Well, Atis," Senori said in the middle of a chuckle, "what are you going to get? I can't read, either, so I don't know what's there."

"How nice of you to admit that you can't read," I said. "Aren't you… confused as to why I can?"

"Nah," Senori said, smiling that all knowing smile of it. He was probably remembering that I came from a school. It had seemed like such a long time ago that the three of them—Sai, Kuiora, and Senori—had come to whisk me away from the school just to fight Falkner at the Violet City gym, and then consequently take me on an entire journey.

"I see," I said. "Well, they have cupcakes. I guess that works…"

At the right moment, the person who was waiting on us came to our table, asking us what we wanted. Sai immediately said that everyone just wanted a cupcake.

"Just cupcakes. One for Atis, of course"—he pointed to me, and then the others—"and one for Kuiora, Senori, Rennio, me, and I suppose Ezrem can have one too. Cupcakes."

"Atis is the only one who should get a cupcake, Sai!" Kuiora said, rising from her seat. "It's his birthday!"

Sai ignored her, and nodded to the waiter, who looked confused. Since this was a restaurant that specialized in hamburgers (since that was what the menu mostly consisted of), I assumed that he didn't get many orders like this. Not to mention the quick, informal tone and words that Sai used to order. His odd self was continuing to show, and I wondered how it was possible that he had never been to a restaurant before, not only with us, but in his past.

When the waiter left, we all sat there, talking about random things. Rennio was the first to bring up the pokémon facts on the table, asking if there were any about his species. I looked over the table, seeing that apparently, the legendary ho-oh could revive dead people and pokémon, while the rare bird called skarmory could replenish its steel feathers by itself. There were other etchings, but these particularly stood out to me, showing that there was always a second chance in life. I didn't see anything about the electric-type, and I told him that. He looked disappointed.

"Hey, now," Ezrem said. Though he was burned by the neck, his voice sounded normal, and I was sure everyone was thankful for that. "Let's all think about the cupcakes. I want to order so many cupcakes so that I can eat until my internal organs start a revolution and leave."

"Haven't they already done that? Kind of, anyway," Kuiora said, though she covered her mouth as soon as she said it. "Sorry," she said, her voice muffled.

Ezrem blanched. "Yes, I suppose they have. Darn it," he said, quickly returning to his cheery self. "I guess I'll have to settle for one cupcake."

"Cupcakes aren't healthy for you, anyway," Sai said.

"So? Cake isn't any better. I say we still should have gotten a cake somehow. We could have split it into parts, and then—"

"And then you could have conned everyone into give you their parts?" Senori said, interrupting him with a grin.

"Yes. You get me, Senori. I am so lucky to have someone who knows me as fantastically as you do," Ezrem said sarcastically.

"You could just... uh… divide the cake by zero, and then keep it forever for yourself," I said. Stupidly. I knew that you couldn't divide by zero, but I wanted to keep the two from fighting, knowing that they weren't particularly fond of each other. Apparently, Ezrem knew this, too.

"How is it logically impossible to divide by zero, anyway?" he said. "Let's say this cake really exists, but no one owns this cake. It just exists. If I divide it by six, so there's one piece for everyone, then there are six pieces. If I divide it by zero, then the cake still exists. It may be mathematically impossible, given that limits exist. But who is to tell me that I cannot divide a cake by zero?"

I blushed at his response. I didn't know how to answer, and I didn't even know if the question was directly aimed at me! Luckily, Kuiora answered for me.

"You, Ezrem," she said, shaking her head, "are a smart pokémon."

"I would hardly say so," Senori said, folding his small arms.

"Annie used to tell you about all that math stuff, didn't she?" Rennio chimed in, winking at Senori to keep the sentret—no, furret—calm.

"Do you want to hear another math joke, then? I know you do. Let's say that my long lost brother"—I cringed at his reference to him being a shiny pokémon—"collects ghouls in his home. Yeah, you heard me, Senori. Don't you look at me like that. He collects ghouls. Now, let's say that two thirds of these ghouls are—"

Ezrem was, thankfully, interrupted by the waiter who had returned with all of the cupcakes. He set one down in front of each of us. I thanked him for it, even if he couldn't understand me. Sai said nothing, and I silently scolded him for his lack of manners, not having the courage to say it out loud.

I looked down, nervous. Noticing the camera at my side, I decided that now was a good a time as any to start using it. I wouldn't be able to look at the pictures right away, but with time, I would know that I was taking good ones without having to even see them before judging.

I picked it up in my hands again, enjoying the welcoming feeling of cool plastic on my hands. Twisting it around in my hand, I wondered if it would be misleading for me to take pictures of them. If I took pictures of them, it meant that I wanted to remember them forever, and maybe they would think that I wanted to stay, after all. I didn't want to give them that impression, but I did want to remember them at the same time. I supposed that even if they thought I would want to stay, there would be undeniable proof at the end of the day: my departure, and, unlike Sai's return… Well, there would be no return for me.

So I took my pictures, one by one. In his picture, Sai was looking at the cupcake as if it was an alien creature that he was studying. Highly appropriate, I thought. I caught Kuiora in the middle of her first bite; her jaws were hanging open and the cupcake lay unassuming on the table in front of her. Also appropriate—I would remember her power this way. Senori actually took the first bite, though, and it reminded me of his leadership. Ezrem was messy in his picture, as he had white icing all over his beak by the time his cupcake was gone. And Rennio, I could tell that his hands would look delicate as they held the food in his picture, as if he were trying very hard not to hurt it in the process of eating it. Impossible, but an admirable struggle.

And that was it—I had a picture of everyone. I could have asked for everyone to gather next to each other so we could all be in a single picture, but I was too nervous to ask. I didn't want to disrupt the peaceful, hunger satisfied atmosphere that we had at the moment. Besides, I didn't want to eventually develop these pictures and see me. I was afraid of seeing that I had made the wrong decision.

"Ah," Ezrem said when he was finished, patting his stomach with his functioning but battered wing. "That was good. It's been a while since I've had any sweets."

"It's definitely different from berries," Rennio agreed.

"Berries aren't so bad!" Kuiora said, folding her arms. "Cheri berries are good, anyway."

"Whatever you say, whatever you say," Ezrem said, waving her off. "Well, Atis, there were your presents. I sincerely hope you enjoyed them. And I wonder if there are any more for you."

"There's… more?" I said, thinking that it was unlikely—and particularly unfavorable—for there to be more.

"Who knows? If there's more, then I'd like to warn you that some gifts are better left unopened, anyway. I'm mostly referring to the kind of gifts that explode in your face upon opening."

"That's…" I started, swallowing, "well, nice. Thanks for the warning…"

"Anytime," Ezrem said, and I saw Senori glare at him from across the table.

"Don't listen to him, Atis," Senori said. "There's nothing more."

"Actually," Sai interrupted, "there is." His voice was quiet, perhaps the quietest that I had ever heard it.

"Oh? Please, Sai, enlighten us," Senori said, looking at him suspiciously.

"It's for Atis only to know. For now, the day is over. Let's go to the pokémon center."

Sai still didn't have enough money to buy everyone their own room, and he apologized for that. I didn't mind—in the end, it wouldn't matter to me. It was odd, though, that it was the last time that I would see everyone together in a pokémon center room. I looked up at the top bunk, wondering if I would be sleeping there tonight, listening to the breathing of those calm heartbeats below me…

Sai was regarding me dubiously. He peered over at me every few moments, as if savoring his time with me, all the while knowing that there was more to come. I shuddered. It was an awkward stare he gave me, and those eyes that gave me mixed emotions would probably give me those same feelings every time I remembered them. I was sure that I would never see the dark glow of his eyes in anybody ever again, that was how unique they were to me.

When everyone was settling into their sleeping positions, muttering to themselves in tired discontent, Sai announced, "I'm going out with Atis for one last time. Say your good-byes… as I will be letting him go."

Everyone stopped what they were doing just to come up to me. Senori simply nodded to me and went back to his position on the bed, with me thinking that it was rather cute to see the two of them so close together.

Since he couldn't use his wings well enough, Ezrem stood up on his clawed feet to peck my on the head. He whispered in my ear, "Don't forget about those exploding gifts." I let out a stifled, forced laugh.

Rennio pushed Ezrem out of the way, and as a reward I smiled at him, telling him that I wished I could have gotten to know him, too. He didn't have anything else to say. I knew what he was thinking, anyway, despite our lack of connection.

And Kuiora, with her enormous size and weight, just had to hug me. I thought she was going to crush my frail, skinny body in the process. Thankfully, she let go soon enough, and said good-bye in the least confident voice I had ever heard from her.

Sai didn't say anything. Due to our past experiences together, I was wholly expecting him to say something later—in private. My gaze lingered on him, the sensation of us knowing something that no one else knew taking over. I got the vague feeling that he knew something that I didn't, but I ignored it. After a few moments, he went to the door and held it open, motioning for me to step outside. I did so, looking back at the others one last time before watching the door close shut, which started this first new chapter of my life.

The walk to… wherever was silent. I wasn't even sure where we were going, and supposedly, neither did Sai, as he was always peering this way and that every few seconds. We were seemingly making our way back to the entrance of the city. The night sky and lit moon loomed above us. There were very few people out at this time, which made me and Sai feel like the only ones in the world, with us being of the light and the city being of the dark. Nevertheless, we continued on, and we passed the front gates, just as we had done early this morning. I was already backtracking through my journey, and I speculated about how far I would go until I was satisfied.

Eventually, Sai stopped. We had reached an area that appeared familiar to me, though Sai had taken a turn that led us into a more forested section. Trees lined the peripheral parts of my view, while a small clearing lay ahead of us, with bushes marking a dead end.

"Atis," Sai said. "Yesterday… Senori had told me that you didn't quite know what you were going to do with your life after this. So I thought about it for you. I… remembered… someone that can help you. She will take you to a place where she thinks she can help you. I, ah, already told her that you would be coming with her, so it's a little too late to say no right now. You can always say no later, I suppose, if you want to…"

I stood there, finding his voice even more unnatural than it had been earlier. I couldn't quite place it—such was often the case with this boy—but the pauses in his words were finally starting to make sense. This was different from when he was giving me answers in other situations. When he talked about himself or his past life, he was at least being honest with us, though he kept his answers discreet for protection's sake. But this… He was lying to me.

He was lying to me, and I didn't know why.

Suddenly, anxiety welled up within me. Shifting around uncomfortably, I remembered when he had temporarily deserted us. Had he gone to this lady he kept speaking about? It seemed that he didn't particularly enjoy her company, either, so perhaps he felt the need to lie about her. Not that this made me feel any better. In fact, it only made me automatically despise whatever disaster was waiting for me.

My concentration was broken when a strong gust of wind blew in my direction and knocked the camera out of my hand. It clattered to the ground, and I chased after it quickly, afraid of it being unusable and unable to be developed. When I retrieved it, I looked up, still feeling the wind blow against my skin. I noticed, however, that Sai seemed unaffected. His hair remained in one spot, and his body didn't threaten to blow over with the force of nature.

And soon, I started to feel lightheaded, ill, tired.

Sai frowned as he noticed my abrupt distress.

"Earl told me all about you," Sai went on, just like he had said at the pokémon center. This time, he didn't pause; he let it all out, word by word.

I listened, wondering if his voice would be louder than the beating of my heart.

"He told me," Sai started, "that you were an obedient pokémon that always acted with a clear head and a clear conscience. He said that you were smarter than he could ever be. Though you were shy, he always took it as a sign that you were simply breathing in the air and thanking life for every chance you could do that. As time went on in our journey, I could see that he was right, and I could see that I was proud to have you on my team. He also said that someday, you would want to accomplish great things. I suppose that now is the time…" I flinched at his pause yet again. "I know you've always been outcast from the rest of us by your own wishes, and I respected that, but I wished that we could have spent more time together. I will wish that always. You can say that you won't miss me, but I'll think about you every day."

As he spoke, I began sobbing, not only because of his obviously heartfelt words and my consequent confusion, but because something was happening inside of me, and it felt terrible. I was sick to my stomach, as if I would start retching at any moment. My head was about to split open. I wanted to believe that Sai would help me, but he did nothing. He knew this was going to happen. He knew it. I wanted to believe that this was really my trainer, the one I had trusted all this time…

My head kept spinning, spinning. Spinning.

Whatever was happening to me was happening fast. Soon, I was falling backward, hearing that Sai was sobbing, too. Before I could even question his enigmatic betrayal, everything went black.


	22. epitome

chapter 22 ; [KUIORA]

epitome

I had heard of many stories in the past, but the ones that I remembered in my mind, along with the ones I told the others, seemed to be of most significance.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kuiora who loved a boy named Sai—and then the boy left her and she did not love him anymore. True. Not fiction. Fact. I had lost a ton of respect for Sai when he had disappeared on us, and he was slowly starting to gain my trust back, but he hadn't quite reached the pedestal that I had put him on all those days ago, when he cradled my emotions and told me that I was the strongest pokémon he had.

Still, the story made me wonder. Did it have any unknown relation to Sai? Did he feel that it was his duty to leave us and do whatever he had to do? Was he affiliated with any legendary pokémon that gave him the chance to go on a journey with us? There were so many questions surrounding the boy, and no answers. I thought that perhaps the story could give me answers, but I didn't like any of them. It meant that one of us would die—probably me, if I chose to go after him. It would be just like the story. Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl—and when the girl died by his hands, he could not stop loving her. The roles were reversed, but they could still ring true. I believed that if I sought to figure out my trainer, then I could potentially be in danger. I didn't want that, but Sai was irresistibly mysterious and indispensable to me.

And then… there was the story perfectly related to Ezrem, who was also an important part of my life when it came to friendships and teaching me more about what it means to be extraordinarily ordinary. He had recently told me that he burned down the forest and killed his trainer. In the story, a man was mourning his losses, and at the end, the town had accused him of killing his own wife and child by starting the house fire. It sounded perfectly applicable, almost scarily so. Again, I didn't like the story's ending. It meant that Ezrem would die of the burn wounds he had received lately. I worried incessantly for his safety and health once I figured out the connection between him and the stories.

Despite my worry, I was still conflicted about him. I wanted to believe that he was a good pokémon, but he was dead set on proving otherwise. And the things he had done were… unforgivable, to say the least. But he was trying. This, I could tell, and it made all the difference. I could deal with him and his trickery if it meant that he was going to try harder for me and everybody else. I hoped that whatever legendary pokémon was watching over him would keep him from dying.

Finally, there was the story about the thieving girl who stole hearts and never returned a single favor anyone gave her. While Ezrem was probably thinking that it was about him at the time (and I may have agreed with him… at the time), I believed that the story was about me. I was a con, a stealer of hearts, too. Sai obviously cared for me and so did Senori and Atis and everyone else, but I never showed any respect or love toward them. I only cared about myself getting stronger. Well, thanks to the ceremony with Lynn and the starmie, I had realized that everyone was special in their own way, and I was working on trying to be as supportive of others as I could possibly be. I feared for the karma that awaited me, but I hoped that the legendaries would find me to be inexorably invincible.

It was strange, being suddenly surrounded by the idea of death. I had told Ezrem that it was all a myth meant to scare children like me, but I had been lying. It was right in front of me, all the time, in these stories… and I knew that the legendaries wouldn't lie to me. I just didn't want to believe them, no matter how much I cherished them.

A story's ending could be undone…

It had to be true.

It came as a shock to me when Atis left. It gave me the sensation that I had felt when I left Professor Elm's lab. Although I hadn't cared for the other pokémon, it was the familiarity that had made me feel comfortable there. And even though Atis was almost invisible to me, due to his quiet nature, his presence made everything feel more calm and peaceful. Without him there, I could only see a large, empty hole that couldn't be filled.

Apparently, Sai was thinking the same, too.

It was safe to assume that no one was able to sleep the night that Atis left. We were all thinking about our own decisions to stay. We were all thinking about where Sai had gone with the hitmontop, and what they were saying to each other. Our thoughts had altered after seeing Sai leave, seeing Ezrem get burned, and seeing a fellow teammate leave. Before, the thoughts consisted of consolation. Now, they were full of fear and the sad feeling of wishing that we had known earlier what we knew at this moment.

Well, since none of us were sleeping when Atis left, no one was sleeping when Sai returned, either. He was in a rush when he closed the door. He was clearly sobbing, and we all believed we knew why. He was distressed over Atis leaving, over losing a pokémon on the team he had tried so hard to build. I vaguely wondered why he didn't force Atis to stay with us, but I knew that it wasn't in Sai's best interests to do so.

Inevitably, we all couldn't pretend to sleep anymore. We got up, tried to comfort Sai, but it didn't work. We sat in a circle, as usual, and told jokes to each other to try to get us to laugh and calm down. But there was one thing we didn't joke about, no matter what (and even Ezrem was mostly quiet and tame about it):

Sai cried all night.

When Sai's demeanor was finally more serene, he immediately announced, "We're continuing with our journey… We're going to the gym."

The sun had just started rising and peering in through the shut window on the far wall of the pokémon center room. We were all exhausted and emotionally drained, but no one protested. Sai stood up from the bed—where he had been all night—and opened the door, almost pushing us out of the room.

"Watch it, pal," Ezrem said, frowning at the boy, but that was all he retorted with, which was unusual for his normal talkative self. Senori didn't even seem to have the energy to glare back at him.

We slowly made our way to the Ecruteak City pokémon gym. Sai was walking slow compared to his preferred swift pace. The sun was fully visible in the sky now. It was just a speck in the daytime, and it was cold, distant… It was brighter than it had any right to be. It still seemed to be dark in my heart. Our hearts.

The gym had a more appropriate atmosphere for our team. It was eerie and shallow, to say the least. The gym was almost completely dark, with only three striking blue lights on either side. It was enough to illuminate the leader that stood in the back of the room, looking at us emotionlessly, as if he were nothing but a lifeless, heartless man. The simplicity of it all sent shivers down my spine. I found it odd that there was no trick to this place. The Violet City gym was intentionally open for flying-type pokémon. Azalea Town was purposefully made into a forest to encourage growth, and in Goldenrod City, there had been a maze. Here, there was nothing but a few lights, brown hardwood floors, and a… man, if you could even call him that.

Even Sai approached the "man" with caution. He kept his distance as he spoke: "Hello… I'm here to face the gym leader. Is that you? If you don't mind, I'd like to fight now instead of making an appointment."

The man lifted his arm, his sleeve falling down to reveal pale skin underneath. He snapped his fingers, and six more lights were suddenly lit up in various locations. We could see him a lot better. He had spiky golden hair with a blue headband around his forehead, and he had a matching blue shirt with yellow cuffs. He wore plain jeans, and now, he looked more alive and human. He was even smiling! I slapped myself for falling for the joke and letting him scare me. I should have known better than to fall for the tricks of a man who obviously wanted us to believe in ghost stories that I already knew were fake. Though the odd connection between my team and some stories made me really wonder if they were fake.

"Hello," he said. "My name is Morty, and—"

"Marty? Is that you?" Sai said, his jaw nearly dropping the floor.

"No, no. Morty, not Marty. I assume you're talking about the boy who just recently came by to say he would be challenging me soon. Our names are similar, but that is not me."

"Oh," Sai said, his body relaxing. "I don't have to be afraid anymore, I suppose," he added, chuckling. It made me smile. "The Marty I know wouldn't hand me a gym badge even if I beat him ten times over."

"Ah, yes, that would be a troublesome gym leader," Morty agreed.

"Yes," Sai said. There was a pause. "Can we battle now, then?"

"Sure. We will use two pokémon each," Morty said. "I look forward to seeing your strength."

Sai looked over to me. "Kuiora," he said, "do you want to battle?"

If I was being honest, I didn't want to. I was tired and sad and I wasn't particularly focused on being stronger anymore. I wanted to help Atis, wherever he was. I appreciated Sai's efforts to make it a point to let me fight first in every gym match, but he had to come to an end. I shook my head no.

"Okay," Sai said, nodding, as if he could read my thoughts. "Rennio probably isn't ready to fight yet. Uh. I'll use Senori, then, since he just evolved."

"Sure," Senori said simply, running on all fours to get to the middle of the arena.

"A normal-type, huh? I'm sure you'll have some interesting moves up your sleeve, then, if that's the case," Morty pondered, stroking his chin with one hand. He maximized a pokéball that I just noticed was in his other hand, and he threw it forward, bringing forth what looked like a spiky ball of purple dust… one that had hands and the ability to float around.

"What… What is that thing?" Senori asked.

"Who knows?" Sai said. "But you're going to beat it, okay? Use tail whip!"

And like that, the battle was underway. Senori sprang toward the purple cloud of dust, a gleam of weary determination in his eyes.

"Haunter, just stay there for a moment," Morty ordered calmly.

This made Senori halt his momentum. He was able to come to a complete stop before running into the haunter and falling for whatever trap the gym leader was trying to pull.

"What are you doing, Senori? That would be a free hit! Tail whip!"

"Okay…" Senori said carefully, probably not wanting to upset his trainer any further. If it were me in the battle, I would do the same.

Senori sprang forth once more, this time preparing to swing his tail in order to hit the haunter. When Senori collided with the smiling ball of dust, however, his tail went right through, as if the haunter were a… ghost.

And then it hit me. The haunter was a ghost-type! This explained why the gym was so creepy and why the gym leader was trying to pull jokes. Ghost-types always liked pranks and the darkness, and the trainer was just trying to accommodate their needs. It all made sense now, and I had apparently learned something new: normal-type attacks couldn't effect the ghost in any way, shape, or form.

"You're joking," Senori said. "My tail just went right through it! This thing has no solid body!"

"Hmm," Sai said. "Try a different body part! Tackle!"

But the same thing happened all over again. The furret charged at the haunter, this time looking like he was going to use a headbutt attack. This time, Senori's entire body went through the haunter, and he landed on the other side, staring at it. The haunter looked completely unfazed.

Senori growled and said, "Evolution was useless for here, Sai. None of my attacks are going to hurt it."

"Exactly," Morty said, shaking his head. "You should have done your research before you came here. Ghost-types aren't affected by certain kinds of moves. I hope you have something else going on in that head of yours, or this battle is as good as over."

"I knew that already, but I had forgotten. I'm… a little out of it. If Atis were here," Sai said solemnly, "I bet he would have warned me about that. He would know those kinds of things from being in the school. He would…"

"Sai," I said, walking up to him and hugging his leg. He looked down at the ground, his eyes appearing stricken and confused.

"But just as certain attacks don't affect ghost-types, ghost-type attacks don't hurt normal-types. So you've got some advantage… just not enough. Haunter, use sucker punch!" Morty cried.

Fortunately for the haunter, Senori was already in close range so he could attack. Senori was peering back at Sai, unassuming about the move that the haunter was about to use. The haunter drew a significant amount of dark energy to one of its floating hands. It then raised its hand, causing a shadow to appear in front of Senori. Senori turned to look at the haunter now, and was about to dodge out of the way when the haunter struck him straight in the stomach. Before Senori went flying backward, the dark energy transferred into the haunter's other hand, and the haunter struck Senori yet again.

"Senori," I called, watching as he lay there, trying to get up after being attacked not just once, but twice, "are you sure that none of your attacks are going to work?"

"I don't have any special elemental attacks," Senori said slowly, rubbing his stomach, "so yes, I'm sure."

"Sai," I said, poking him in the shoulder. "You should call Senori back. He isn't going to do well at all. He'll just get beat up!"

"You think so?" Sai said, looking up. He had apparently missed the sucker punch attack. "Okay. Senori, return."

"Are you sure you want to do that? If you call the furret back, then you only have one pokémon left," Morty said.

"I'd rather lose once than let my pokémon continuously get hurt for no reason," Sai said, though he still didn't sound like his normal self. His voice sounded forced and hurt more than it had when he had been crying last night. My heart ached for him. "Senori, return," he said again.

"You should use whoever's strongest here," Senori advised. "These ghost-types are no joke. They're really tough, and they're probably even more tough than usual since they belong to a gym leader."

"But Rennio doesn't want to fight, right?" he said, looking at the elekid.

"That's right. Sorry… I have to prepare myself yet again…" the young pokémon replied.

"And Ezrem is injured… He's not even my pokémon… Kuiora, you need to fight, okay? If Atis were here, I guess I'd try using him… He'd be smart enough to figure something out…" Sai trailed off, lost in thought. He appeared to be out of commission yet again.

"Sai," Senori said, "I know you're sad that Atis left, but you can't let it bother you too much. You're in a gym battle, for crying out loud! Get yourself together!"

"I agree. Don't lose sight of your goal now!" I said, trying to be as encouraging as possible. "Can't we have a normal gym battle for once?" I added, exasperated. I found that Senori was much better at handling these sorts of things and that I'd have to work on it.

"You don't understand. You don't understand what I did to him. You don't—"

"I think that," Morty interrupted, returning the haunter to its pokéball, "for the moment, this battle is over. Come back when you are ready."

"Sai? What did you do with Atis? You didn't hurt him, did you?" I said, ignoring the gym leader. We could always come back later, as he said. Sai would just have to deal with breaking the rules once more. I watched as the gym leader turned and disappeared in the shadows, turning off the lights yet again. We were shrouded in darkness.

"I didn't really hurt him. Someone else did. They're going to hurt him more, just like they hurt me," Sai said frantically. He was speaking so quickly that Senori and I were having trouble keeping up.

"Who did, Sai? Where is Atis?"

"I need to go. He's in Mahogany Town. After all this time, of course I know exactly where it is! I don't want to know where it is, but I know where it is," Sai said, out of breath. "Look, I need to go," he said again. "Stay here. Don't follow me."

Just like he had during the Goldenrod City gym breakdown, he turned and dashed out of the building, leaving all of us behind. And just like before, when we left the place and searched all over for him, he was nowhere to be found.

"At least we have a lead this time," Rennio said thoughtfully, trying to keep from crying. "Are we heading to Mahogany Town?"

"I have a feeling that none of us know where it is," Ezrem said, and I nodded to him, "but yes, Rennio, I believe that is where we are going."

We all stood there, slinking our shoulders and tired bodies, wondering where in the world Mahogany Town was. It could have been anywhere. We didn't have a guide, or food, or water, or money, or a trainer. Again. Without any of this, we couldn't get anywhere, anyway. All we had was each other, and just barely.

Our pathetic team, for the moment, was the epitome of loss.


	23. armageddon

chapter 23 ; [SENORI]

armageddon

Out of all of Sai's breakdowns, the one in the Ecruteak City gym had to be the worst. His dark blue eyes, which had been reliably switching from crazy to sane in the past within a matter of moments, were completely, insatiably wild now. I would have even said they looked like they were about to roll into the back of his head, and then he would inevitably pass out. No such thing happened, but it was close. Instead, he ran off (again), his body moving in an odd zigzag pattern, as his knees were wobbly. He was screaming about Mahogany Town, and how much of a wretched place it had been all of his life, and he was screaming about all of the obscene things he would do to the place if he ever got the chance. It was the first time that I had ever heard him want to be violent, aside from the time where he had attacked me. I had come to the conclusion, though, that he had done it out of necessity, not out of malice.

And again, he was nowhere to be found when we left the gym. He had darted off quite fast, making it a point so that we wouldn't follow him. It was either that or he was really in a hurry to put an end to the city that had apparently ruined his life. I remembered the last time that he had disappeared on us… It was safe to assume that all of us had lost some respect for him as a trainer, and that we had suffered for it. We had been cast off as wild pokémon, gotten our belongings stolen, and I had been beaten by a lady with a broom because I was, undoubtedly, trying to steal from others as a sort of revenge.

Admittedly, and unsurprisingly, I was feeling guilty over Sai's second disappearance. I had finally found the path to moving on from my clan's banishment by evolving, and now, since I was no longer focused on only myself, I was supposed to be helping my trainer. I still felt responsible for his overall well being. But after all this time, I had learned next to nothing about his past life, his tendencies, and his emotions. I knew no more about how to control him than I did my own life.

The only consolation we had was that we knew where he was going.

It would have been even better if we knew how to get there.

"The fact that none of us are humans is really a catastrophe. Then again, if we weren't pokémon, we wouldn't be in this mess," I said, trying to keep everyone's spirits up, but I was failing.

"I can't tell you how many times that I've wished I was human, just to find a place. This is one of those times," Ezrem said, shaking his head.

"Agreed," said Rennio.

Kuiora remained quiet, and I knew that she loved being a pokémon, but now was not the time for us to be helpless and relying on a trainer.

We were standing outside of the Ecruteak City gym, ignoring the stares of people passing by. Obviously, it was strange for a pack of pokémon to be out and about by themselves. It was a good thing that no one could understand us talk about our missing trainer, or perhaps they would be calling the police, just like Marty had threatened.

And then it hit me. Marty. Marty knew about Sai's untamed demeanor. As soon as that boy saw us, he would be questioning our trainer and threatening to do something about it. It was possible that some unfavorable consequences would come out of our search, but at this point, I was desperate for anything.

"It's risky," I said to the team, "but I think I know who to find."

The first and most blatant place for us to look was the pokémon center. That was where most of the trainers decided to stay in a city, after all. Inside, the four of us disregarded the new, stranger looks of the new people as we went from room to room, knocking on each and every door. We split up to save time, though Rennio had to stay with me because he wasn't sure what Marty or Sasha looked like. Some people answered, and when I didn't recognize them, I bowed in apology and went to the next door, knowing it was useless to try to talk to them. In the end, however, no one found either of the people we were looking for.

"It was a good idea," Ezrem said, which made me feel grateful for his presence for once. "But it didn't work."

"And we don't have time to wait for the people who aren't here, do we?" I said, rubbing my chin, making everyone believe that I was thinking. I really was only spacing out, worn out and wanting to rest, but it was good to pretend.

The next places we checked were the fancy restaurant and the mart, the same ones we had gone to with Sai for Atis's "birthday." We scoured the entirety of both places, but we didn't find Marty or Sasha, and even worse, we eventually got kicked out of both places for supposedly causing a disturbance. We stood quietly outside of the pokémon mart now, more lost than we were before.

"This is a place where a lot of history about legendary pokémon originates, right?" Kuiora finally said. It was the first thing she had said during the entire search.

"Right," I said. Even I knew about the story of the towers in the back of the city without the croconaw telling me.

"That probably means there's lots of visitors, right? Like… Professor Elm was famous, and so a lot of people visited him. They always stayed in… hotels, I think they were called. Maybe Ecruteak City has a place like that for Marty and Sasha to stay in."

"A brilliant idea, Kuiora," Ezrem said, hopping over to her. He was getting along well without the patent use of his wings. "Let's go find one."

I hadn't wanted to explore buildings in the city that we hadn't been to yet, in case we weren't allowed in. Then again, we hadn't been allowed in the restaurant or the mart without our trainer, so this would be no different, and Kuiora had a point when she said that it was a likely place for Marty and Sasha to be. I nodded, deciding to go along with them.

So then we went from building to building, choosing to look in the windows instead of going inside. We saw normal houses, more restaurants, a dance hall, and I saw Kuiora even take a peek into the towers, though she clearly knew that they weren't part of a hotel. The search reminded me of when I tried to get Sai to stop looking into buildings, and I wished that we were still at that point of our journey, when things somehow made more sense than they did now.

The last building that we looked in, of course, happened to be the hotel. Rennio had spotted it, saying that he could tell that it was a hotel because of the bellboys walking up the stairs with trays in their hands, and with the lady at the counter checking people in. We rushed inside, eager to have finally reached our destination. The hallways were mostly quiet except for the occasional person walking about, so we weren't worried about getting kicked out this time. Again, we went from room to room, knocking and knocking and hoping.

By some great stroke of luck, we found Marty on the third floor. He opened the door, looking up and down the hallway, confused as to who could have been knocking. I had to pull on his pants leg to get his attention, even though there were four of us there, and none of us were particularly small anymore. He was rubbing his eyes, making me think that he had just woken up and was simply in a daze.

"A furret?" he said sleepily. "And a croconaw… And I've seen that rufflet before. Sai's team?"

I nodded. "Sai isn't here," I said, although he couldn't understand me. I had to say it to make it feel real.

"What the hell? What are you guys doing here?" he said, fully alert now.

"Sai isn't here," I said again, trying to hold back tears. They had snuck up on me when I least expected them. Stepping forward, I pulled on Marty's leg, motioning for him to come with us.

"Do you need me for something?" he said, not moving an inch.

I nodded again, pulling him harder. The rest of the team looked up at him pleadingly, unable to say a word.

"I don't know what you want… I'm sorry… Here, maybe Gracie will know," Marty said. He pulled away from my grasp and went into his room for a moment. He returned with the same small fire-type pokémon that I had fought back when we had the battle to decide who would stay or go. This pokémon looked slightly different, however. For one, I could now see her maroon-colored eyes. Her body was longer and more slender, though the colors were exactly the same. And instead of having just some spots on her back for flames to shoot out of, I could see that she could use her head to fight, too. She had evolved sometime between our battle and now, it seemed.

"You've grown," I said stupidly, trying to figure out a way to start this awkward conversation.

"You, too," Gracie said. There was a pause. "What do you guys need? This is a little, um, different…"

"Our trainer… is missing. He went to a place called Mahogany Town, and we have no idea where it is. We were hoping Marty or Sasha would know. They're the only two other humans we know…" I said, soon trailing off. I didn't realize until I was done talking that I had been speaking almost as fast as Sai had been. At some point in time, it seemed that I had adopted some of his idiosyncrasies.

I smiled so widely when she replied, "We've been there once or twice. I'm sure we can take you there."

"Really? Oh geez, this is great. Thank you so much," I said, running up to hug her.

"Watch out for the fire-type," Ezrem said, pulling me by the scruff of my neck. I glared at him, but was thankful that I hadn't burned myself, too.

"Ahem," I said, leaving that clumsy situation alone just to head into another one. "I don't mean to be pushy, but can we go… now? We don't want him to get himself hurt or lost." I avoided saying that he had done it once before.

"Of course," she said, smiling timidly. "One minute."

After somehow conveying the situation to Marty for a few moments and after Marty told Sasha the situation, Gracie led all seven of us out of the hotel, taking us to the eastern edge of town. I had a feeling that the only reason Marty was listening was because it was his own pokémon. If it weren't for Gracie, we would definitely be going much slower, or we wouldn't be going at all.

When we reached the gate that would take us to the next section of the Johto region, she pointed to a sign and signaled for Marty to look at it.

That was when Marty got angry.

"Mahogany Town? Are you kidding me? Sai went to Mahogany Town and left his pokémon here?" He looked at me scarily, and for one brief moment I wished that I wasn't the leader of the team. Ezrem could take the heat for this one if he really wanted to.

"Marty," Sasha said serenely, probably trying to project her feelings onto him. "Maybe he had a good reason for going. We don't know anything yet. Let's just help these pokémon get to him for now, and stay calm."

"Fine," Marty muttered, and he kept walking ahead of all of us.

Sasha turned to all of us. "I'm sorry about him, guys," she said. "We'll find Sai. It'll be all right."

I could only hope that she was right. Despite everything, I had to admit that I wasn't feeling as optimistic this time around. Sure, I was certain that we could locate him, since we were lucky that he talked more than usual, but I wasn't so certain about us being glad when we found him.

We passed through the gate that would lead us to the Mahogany Town path. The guard there waved at us, and it was a relief to not be given threatening looks for the first time that day. Sasha waved back and smiled. I thought about how we were also lucky to have someone like her with us. She was always kind to us, and exceedingly so. It was preferable to her brother, who, instead of having identical characteristics as siblings should, had quite a temper and easily held grudges toward others. I remembered hearing Marty's story at the pokémon fan club, however, and somehow I was glad to have him around, too. More than anything, he cared about our well being.

Deciding to bring this up to someone who could understand me, I caught up with Gracie, who was walking next to Marty while the rest of us trailed closely behind.

"I know now why Marty was so keen on having us battle before," I said. It seemed like a perfectly pleasant way to start a conversation.

The newly evolved quilava flinched at my sudden appearance next to her. "You do?" she said. "I don't… I don't know what you're talking about…"

Luckily for the quilava, Marty interrupted the beginning of our talk. Immediately after the guard postings was an entrance to a cave and a rather small body of water. I could already see the other side, and I hoped that it led to where Sai would be.

"Well"—I noticed that Gracie's attention shifted toward him suddenly instead of me—"we could either go the long way, or the short way. And there is no way in hell that I am spending over a week in a cave for the sake of Sai. So we're going over the river."

He reached behind his back and pulled a red and white pokéball off of his belt. He threw it forward, just like every other trainer would. His throw was different, however, as he had thrown it into the river, and the ball disappeared beneath the water's surface. Soon, a massive water-type pokémon emerged and floated above so that we could see the top of its body. It looked like it had long, blue wings, like a flying-type might, but they were really just fins that were larger than most sea pokémon's. Short blue antennae sat on its head, swishing around with excitement. It had black beady eyes that were looking at us expectantly.

"She can help us, guys," Marty said. "Marin, I need you to do us a favor. We need to get across this river and go to Mahogany Town. Do you think you can carry all of us?" he asked, motioning to every member of our group.

Marin surveyed us, giving us a good look over for a few seconds. Its face scrunched up into a ball when it peered over at Kuiora.

"The croconaw can swim," she said, and I thought that she would tell the rest of us no for a second. But then she smiled, and I knew that everything would go smoothly from here on out.

"Fantastic," Sasha said, stepping up to the edge of the river. Marin got close enough so the young girl could climb on her back and rest peacefully, without wobbling and falling over. Marty did the same, and then gazed back at us.

"Do you want to go back in your pokéball, Gracie?"

"No," Gracie said, shaking her head. "I have to get over being around water sometime, right?"

So the quilava was scared of water. It was typical for a fire-type. I thought that was why she was scared of my sudden appearance—she simply was afraid of what was coming next. But soon I would learn that that had nothing to do with it.

Kuiora was able to lower herself into the water, and she mentioned how it had been a long time since she could swim like this. After that… Well, it was a gratifying thing that Marin was as long as she was wide, or the rest of us wouldn't have fit. Gracie stood on her hind legs behind Marty, and I went to be next to her. This made sense since we were long and slender, and thus could accommodate our body positions satisfactorily. Rennio and Ezrem, on the other hand, had to sit in Marty and Sasha's laps respectively.

"Your poor wings," Sasha said, noticing rather swiftly. "What happened to you?"

Ezrem didn't answer her. He sat there, looking straight ahead.

"Hmm," Marty said after a few moments of awkward silence. If he seemed concerned about the rufflet, he didn't express it. "I suppose we're off."

And so we were. Marin slowly turned her body around so that she was facing our destination. It only took a couple seconds longer for her to start wading through the water at a quiet pace that would keep us all from falling backward.

After a while, it occurred to me that it could be a long ride. I attempted to talk to Gracie again by saying, "But yeah, anyway, I know what Marty went through. He mentioned it at the pokémon fan club Sasha goes to."

"Oh," Gracie said simply. She was shy, and perhaps I was going to be pushing too far, but I wanted something to distract me from the mess that was Sai.

"Do you know anything about it? You're a pokémon, after all, and Marty's father used to… abuse pokémon."

"I was supposed to be a pet, so I was in the house when he did that. It was because of that man that Marty left and went on a journey to the first place. He didn't like it… as you know," Gracie said. Though she was speaking more, I could tell that she was still being vague.

A part of my heart instantly ached for her. Her flinching at my appearance wasn't because of her being scared of water; it was because of her being scared of touch in general. And why would someone be afraid of touch? I almost wanted to slap myself in the face because of how obvious it was.

"Hmm," I said, not wanting to force her to admit to anything she didn't want to. I despised talking about my clan; similarly, she would probably hate talking about Marty's father. "That stinks," I went on brainlessly. "Would you have rather been a battler or a pet?"

"It doesn't matter to me either way," Gracie said. "It's just that Marty gets to be too much sometimes. For instance… you know how Marty's acted with Sai. He acts intensely insane with every bad trainer he comes across, even if the trainer doesn't seem too bad to Sasha or me. Sasha's the only one who can keep him somewhat calm… since she can talk to him…"

Of course, Gracie didn't know that I knew what was going on inside her head. I felt that I was invading her mind and making her spill all of its contents against her will, when in reality I was doing no such thing. And in a sense, I felt that I was betraying Marty's privacy. We were talking about a very intimate part of his past without him knowing it, and even worse, we were doing it right in his presence! It was times like these that I wished others were like Sai—private and able to talk to pokémon—only less eccentric and less prone to running away.

To avoid feeling even more guilt, I kept quiet. It was Gracie who intentionally went on and said, "I wished that would leave it alone and let me forget."

"You'll move on," I said. "I don't know how exactly, since I've never been in your situation, but you will. I did, too, so I know you can."

"Thanks…" Gracie said shyly, and then she turned away.

The rest of the trip was relatively quiet. There was some more murmuring from Sasha about Ezrem's wings, and she kept checking them to make sure that the bandages were on as snugly and as tightly as they could be. Marty made some comments about being scared of accidentally dropping Rennio in the water and consequently electrocuting us all, and thankfully, though his fears were warranted, it never happened. The only other noise that accompanied us on our journey was the sound of Kuiora gurgling in the water, enjoying her time swimming.

I was reflecting about Gracie's ambiguous yet straightforward story, my story, and Rennio's and Ezrem's and everyone else's. I had originally thought that nothing bad could happen to me, and once I was banished, I thought that my story was the most unique in the world, that no one else's story could ever compare. Like most older pokémon (or like most of the sentret in my clan), I thought I knew everything that I needed to know. When I met Sai, I realized that I'd been a total idiot and that I needed a lot more focus in my life. I worked hard as his pokémon, and when it began to dawn on me that my heart was not necessarily being my best friend, I tried very even harder to beat it. And did beat it, by evolving and getting rid of my tail, my only connection to my clan. Now, as Sai's relocation was just a hair's breadth away, I felt that everything I knew was wrong, my perspective was utterly indefensible, and that there are no objective standards for anything anyone could imagine… including the idea that there are stages to life that everyone must follow. There's not much imagination or creativity there, when you start thinking about it. Humans and pokémon alike have created these artificial goals simply because we wanted to have some way to explain the way the world works.

At this point, I decided that I didn't care much anymore. I hoped to spend the time that remained in a way that was best for not only me, but for every single one of us on the team… including Sai.

Mahogany Town looked like a pleasant enough place, one that I would have loved to spend more time in, if we weren't on the lookout for our renegade trainer. I would have loved to spend more time here because the town almost looked like a humanized version of a forest. All of the buildings were a light green color, with the roofs being of a darker green. Unusually, there was no pavement to walk upon here, and the grass looked well taken care of, beautiful and alive. Several carriages were lined up next to every building, with a crowd of people at each—they were waiting for their turn at whatever goods the carriages were selling. Not a single person looked like they wished they were somewhere else in the world.

Well, we were about to ruin this trend, effortlessly so. None of us wanted to be here. Marty and Sasha and Gracie probably wanted to be in their cozy hotel room, and the rest of us wanted to be at the Ecruteak City pokémon gym, pretending that nothing was wrong with our trainer.

"Let's start looking," Marty mumbled. As expected, his mood was growing lower and lower by the minute.

Sasha decided to take over the hard part for Marty, as he "would talk about him terribly and then we'd never find him," apparently. I supposed that was true. When Sasha talked about him, he seemed nothing short of ordinary. She went from person to person, speaking to anyone who would talk back, asking them if they had seen a boy of about fifteen years coming by lately.

"Medium build, black hair, blue eyes… Plain clothes…" she added, trying to think of anything that would make Sai stand out. His personality would, but that didn't seem helpful at the moment.

"Are you trying to cut in line? Get in the back!" one old man said. He clearly wasn't paying attention to anything Sasha was saying. We ended up leaving those kinds of people alone, not wanting to hear them speak again.

"I haven't seen a boy like that," one old lady said. "But there aren't a lot of young people in this town. I'm sure he would stick out."

That sounded more promising, but it took a few more tries before we reached any sort of conclusive answer.

Finally, someone answered nonchalantly, "I saw a boy like that. Hard not to miss him when he's away from everyone else. He went toward that laboratory over there." The woman pointed to a lone metallic building at the edge of town. It was away from all of the other buildings, and no carriages or large amount of people were there.

"Thank you very much," Sasha said, bowing curtly. She was suddenly in a hurry. She strode over to the laboratory, and the rest of us eagerly followed.

"Of all places, he send Atis to a laboratory? Maybe Atis left us to be a lab rat," Ezrem commented, scoffing at the thought.

"Shut up," I said. "Sai would never do that. And Atis would never willingly agree to that, either."

Ezrem said nothing more, but he coughed mockingly. Rennio was shrinking back from the place, staying behind all of us. Kuiora looked up at the building in awe, probably never having seen something more creepy yet fascinating in her life. Gracie didn't seem to have a reaction… since it wasn't her trainer that we were talking about. And Atis… I looked for him, but then I remembered that he wasn't here.

He was in the building in front of us. And so was Sai.

Sasha stopped in front of the entrance, but Marty barged right on in, fists clenched and raring to go if necessary. I knew he wouldn't hesitate to punch Sai in the face once he was given the chance. The rest of us followed. We were more reluctant this time, but we knew we couldn't turn back now.

The first floor of the building seemed anticlimactic to us. I didn't quite know what we were expecting to see, but it wasn't an empty floor with a simple counter, much like the one we saw at pokémon centers. A fountain stood in the middle of the room, with plants and chairs surrounding it for comfort. Other than this, only one thing stood out: there was a guard blocking the stairs leading upward.

Marty approached this guard first and said, "Excuse me, but we were told one of our… friends came through here. We really need to see him. If you don't mind, would you let us through?"

"Sorry," the guard said in a husky voice with the slightest hint of an accent, "but no one is allowed upstairs. Authorized personnel only."

"Authorized personnel? Like hell the boy is authorized to be in a place like this. He barely knows how to tell his right foot from his left."

"If he was able to get upstairs," the guard said firmly, "then he was authorized."

Marty gritted his teeth; he was getting real angry, real fast. "I didn't come all this way to be told that Sai is as mysterious as ever, and that I should leave him alone to stay that way. Let us through."

"The answer is no," the man insisted.

"Marty…" Sasha said, about to lightly touch him on the shoulder, but it was too late.

Marty had gestured to Gracie to attack, and, as loyally as ever, Gracie obeyed him. She dashed forward, running underneath the guard's legs and knocking him off balance. He fell on his stomach, groaning at the impact of his chin hitting the ground. Marty thanked Gracie for her services and stepped over the guard, running up the stairs and motioning for all of us to follow. Stunned, we felt obliged to obey just as well as Gracie had.

Upstairs was where the real scenery came into play. The first floor donned nothing that any normal building would—and should—have. I had never been inside a laboratory before, so maybe that contributed to my unusual viewpoint, but I was sure that this place wasn't normal. Along the walls were several computers and full desks where people sat, wearing long, white lab coats. They were holding clipboards and scribbling on them with their pens furiously, or they were messing with the vials that sat in front of them. What stood out the most, however, was the machine in the middle of the room. Part of the machine hung from the ceiling, and part of it was connected with the ground and a cot. On the cot lay a purple snake-like pokémon, and it was writing in pain as a man next to it was taking notes…

On the first floor, Sai wasn't there, but there was the buzzing of the machines and a ton of screaming.

"Keep going," Marty yelled over the screaming, "until you find him."

We went to the edge of the room, which led us to the stairs leading to the second floor. As we ran through the room, the scientists nearby looked up from their clipboards and looked at us curiously, suddenly panicking and demanding that the intruders be attacked. As we ran as quickly as we could, I noticed that there were also stairs leading down, and I kept a mental note to myself that said we should return to this floor if we didn't find Sai anywhere else.

The second floor wasn't much better in terms of content, though it was quieter. The room was completely empty save for two people and two pokémon, taking their places on the arena that was designated by white chalk on the otherwise empty, bare floor. The battle would seem normal if the pokémon didn't look like they were battling to the death. There was blood—both dried blood and new blood—all over their bodies and in the fighting area. The pokémon were panting heavily, while the trainers—if you could even call them that—stood by watching, completely unscathed.

"What the hell is going on here?" one of the people yelled when he took notice of us.

"I swear to Arceus… If I see Sai do anything so much as touch one of these pokémon like these other bastards, I'm going to pound his skull in," Marty said.

Even Sasha didn't try to stop him from speaking bad things about Sai this time. Her mouth was raised over her hand in shock. There was something wrong with the place, and there was something even more wrong with our trainer being so closely associated with it. Still, no questions were answered. Instead, more questions arrived.

"Attack the intruders!" said an unfamiliar voice. We looked behind us and noticed that some of the people in lab coats from the first floor had pursued us.

The other man from the arena pointed to us and said, "You heard the guy. Attack them, granbull!"

"You too, sunflora!" cried the second man.

"Oh, this is such a joke. You mean to fight with two injured pokémon?" Marty teased. "I'm just trying to find someone. Get out of my way."

"No can do," said the scientist behind us, and the ones who had followed us—there were three in all—also took out pokéballs and released their pokémon. I didn't have time to get a good look at them, nor did I want to. I just wanted to find Sai and leave and forget any of this had ever happened.

"Senori," Marty said harshly as he released Halcyon and another pokémon I didn't know he had, "go find your goddamn trainer. Me and Sasha will be fine, here. Tell Sai that I'm going to beat the crap out of him when I see him, too."

"Sure," I mumbled. "Come on, guys."

I darted forward on all paws, crossing the arena. The granbull tried to catch my tail in between its teeth, because I stupidly got too close—that's what happens when confusion takes over—but I narrowly escaped. The sunflora tried to take Ezrem out since he appeared weaker, but Ezrem yelled something about being a flying-type and having the advantage, so the grass-type shrunk back, trying to cradle its wounds instead. Kuiora and Rennio got by without problems, unless you counted Rennio's sudden sobbing problematic.

"I just want Annie!" he cried, and when he stopped, Kuiora had to start carrying him and tell him to suck it up. He stopped talking about his older trainer and now asked to stay and fight for his new trainer, but no one was actually going to let him do so.

"Not in this mess," Ezrem agreed.

The third and fourth floors were standard rooms with desks and machines lined up everywhere. The only difference from the first floor was that it seemed that there were individual offices for the people who worked here. The privacy that the enclosed walls offered thankfully allowed us to sneak by quietly, and without being noticed. Kuiora let out a huge sigh of relief, but that was the only sound we made, and it was hardly damaging.

We kept running and running, floor after floor, not daring to stop even once. Most of the rooms looked the same, and thankfully, we went by relatively unnoticed. It was finally different on the seventeenth floor—I think it was the seventeenth floor, anyway. It resembled a modern, humanized living room. There was a couch in the middle of the room, a coffee table in front of it, and some plants in the each corner, giving the place a rather relaxing atmosphere. We were anything but relaxed, however. Questions were running swiftly through my mind. Where was Sai? Why was he affiliated with a place like this? Where was Atis, and what kind of tests could they be running on him? Why were there pokémon fighting so brutally when battling was supposed to be fun? My thoughts lingered on the basement that we didn't get to see, but it was too late to go back and explore.

The stairs in this room were hidden behind the tall couch. When we arrived at the foot of the stairs, I could see that there was a door at the top, which was different from all of the other floors. From the light that was pouring inside, it seemed that these stairs led outside.

"Well, guys," I said, out of breath from running, "this is one of the last places Sai could be. Let's hope he's here." I paused. "Or not. Whichever you prefer," I added solemnly.

Luckily—or unluckily, depending—Sai was at the top of the building. I was glad to see that he was safe and that he seemed physically unharmed. He wasn't alone. I was also glad to see that Atis was standing a good ten feet in front of him. The only person I didn't recognize was a woman that was by Atis. She was short and had a small body, but it seemed that she had a rather firm grasp on the fighting-type's arm. And the fighting-type was visibly shuddering; we could all see it, even though we were far away.

"It looks like you have friends that are here to see you," the woman said calmly.

"Mother, please—" Sai started, but then his body unmistakably tensed up. He turned to see us, and his eyes went wide with amazement.

I took a closer look at the woman that was with Sai. Apparently, it was his mother. Why wasn't his mother back in Vermilion City, where he said he was from? Was it just another lie he told us? And surprisingly enough, she didn't look very similar to him. She had green eyes instead of blue, and her hair almost looked black, but I could tell it was just a dark brown because of the sun that was highlighting it.

"You've grown, Sai," the woman went on. "You have such loyal pokémon now… just like you always wanted." I saw her squeeze Atis's arm, and he only shook harder. "And you look even more like your father than before. You've got the same wildly lonely look in your eyes. Are you still lonely, Sai?" she said in a sympathetic, motherly tone.

"Stop it!" Sai cried, snapping his attention back to her. His voice had a much harsher tone than it normally did, and it almost made me shake myself. "I just want Atis back. Give me Atis back right now…!"

"You willingly gave me the hitmontop. You even let us poison him and make him faint just to capture him, so he wouldn't fight back. And you're telling me that you want to take it all back?" the woman said tauntingly.

I gasped. Had Sai really done that? It seemed unreal to me, to hear of him being so unnaturally… cruel. I looked at the others, and I could tell that they were all thinking the same thing.

"I do," Sai said determinedly. "I thought… I thought I could abide by your rules, if it meant I could be free. I can't do it, though. I won't." His words sounded reassuring. They sounded more like the Sai I knew, but I was still beyond confused. I stood there with the others, utterly frozen.

"You were ordered to prepare pokémon like this, and give them to us. You've done exactly so. We thank you for it."

"No! I want him back! I've seen what you guys do to pokémon. You call yourself Team Rocket and say that you're just trying to make the world a better place, but I've seen what you do! It's nothing good. Nothing good at all. I won't put Atis through that. I won't—"

"And then you will never see the light of day again. That was the deal, was it not? I created this project to save you, Sai. To save you. To give you a life you've always dreamed of…"

"I didn't want this! I never did. I only did it because… because you promised me things would get better. That I would get better. But I never got better! Not even for a second!"

"It's not my fault that you believed my words," the woman said evenly, but her words didn't match the ruined expression on her face.

"You _promised_! You promised…" Sai said. He started sobbing as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the knife that he had bought in Goldenrod City. I almost cried, too. Had he been waiting for this moment all his life? He held it out threateningly toward her. His arm was as firm as the woman's grasp on Atis.

"Are you going to hurt me, Sai? Just as I've supposedly hurt you?" she asked.

"Why not? You like weapons. You love them so much that you decided to name _me_ after one. How nice of you," he said sarcastically between sobs. "Give me Atis back. I don't want to have to use it."

The woman frowned, and she let go of Atis and put her hands in the air, as if signaling surrender. I watched in awe as Atis ran over to us quicker than I had ever seen him run before. When he got close to us, I could see real terror in his eyes. I went up to him and hugged him, but Atis said there was no time for a reunion.

"We've got to get Sai out of here," he said with haste. "Before he goes crazy. Please, Senori, you've got to talk to him and… and…" But he couldn't continue.

It was clear to me that Sai wasn't fond of this woman. Despite this, she obviously knew about him more than anyone else. She knew everything, perhaps.

"If she knows Sai, maybe she can help us keep him from going crazy," I offered quietly. Apparently, I hadn't been quiet enough, because my trainer obviously heard me.

"Don't talk to her! She's only going to tell you about all the bad things I've done. Even if what she says isn't true, she'll win. She always wins…" Sai said, his arm twitching slightly now. He was staring directly at her, talking loudly to make sure we could hear him.

"Sai," his mother said. "Just as you weren't allowed to get close to your pokémon, I'm not allowed to be close to you. I'm your mother. Why else would I want to be like this to my son? I don't want to be like this. Please understand and put the knife down."

"No," Sai said. "I won't. I'm done listening to you."

"…Then you will pay for it."

"Please, Senori," Atis begged again. "You have to do something."

More than anything, I wanted to help Sai. I felt that it was all I lived for, really…

But Sai already seemed too far gone.


	24. stand my ground

_You don't want to hear the story_

_of my life, and anyway_

_I don't want to tell it, I want to listen_

_to the enormous waterfalls of the sun._

— _Mary Oliver_

chapter 24 ; [SAI]

stand my ground

To my pokémon—

For you all to understand me is the last thing I want. It is a type of contradictory consolation when you tell each other that you want to know me better and I instruct myself to be gracious, but it is true. To truly understand me, my thoughts must flow through you and then consume you. You must see through my eyes to believe what seems to be a million tower-inspired legends, and you must fall victim to numerous pits. I would never demand this of you. For you to understand me is the last thing I want because I am nothing but the sum of the parts that others have made for myself, and that means I am either next to nothing or I am too much, an endless source of devastating fireworks (yes, I've seen those—once) and breath that feels like smoke. In the end, if I ask you to understand me, I will be selfish, and I will disappoint you somehow. I would never demand this of you, so think, think before you take a memory…

I was only four years old when Team Rocket claimed that I was a threat to everyone around me.

My mother had moved to Johto from a place that she called France. She said that she adored the things that we call pokémon because of their potential power and because of the kind of all-important feeling that they gave her when she owned this strength of theirs. She upped and left without a problem. My father was in prison for constant drug abuse, anyway, so she had nothing else to lose. When she reached Johto, she heard of an organization called Team Rocket and immediately went to join them, as her goals and Team Rocket's were one and the same. She was loyal and a hard worker, and she went through the ranks faster than anyone the organization had ever known. Within no time at all, she was considered an executive, and she suddenly had a say about what went on in that little laboratory in Mahogany Town. But she was pregnant with me at the time, and I was inevitably her downfall. I was soon born, and for the first few years, I was fine; I was her precious little thing. At the age of four, after my brain had some time to develop, something went wrong with me.

Supposedly, I was an outrageous child—one that couldn't be controlled by any means. First of all, my mother suddenly found it impossible to send me to any sort of daycare or babysitter because I would scream bloody murder every time I was apart from her for more than a few minutes. This separation anxiety that I experienced forced her to take me to the laboratory with her each and every day, which was where my recklessness shined further.

Unlike a normal child, I wasn't interested in playtime. My moods shifted faster than the ticking of the clock, but no matter how I felt, I only wanted to follow my mother and do whatever she was doing. She was often in her office filling out paperwork and talking on the phone to other members in other cities, other regions. Besides this, she would supervise the experiments that went on in the laboratory, or she would supervise the battles that tested how strong pokémon were and whether or not they were fit to join a Team Rocket member on their endeavors. I would watch as pokémon were hooked up to machines with what seemed to be an endless number of black and white cords, and I would look at the fear in their eyes and wonder if I would ever want to trade places with them. I would watch as pokémon fought until their eyes were clawed out, until every part of their bodies were paralyzed with exhaustion.

It didn't take long for me to start interfering with the experiments and the battling. During my frequent outbursts, I was running into the middle of the arena, screaming at the top of my lungs and getting hit by pokémon's attacks. While I broke quite a few bones doing this, they always healed, so I felt no need to stop. I ripped cords out of the machines and I destroyed a ton of the research that the scientists had spent so much time working on. I was irritable and miserable and unstoppable, even as people tried to hold me down. I was irritable because I wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else, but I couldn't find my own strength to actually leave. I was miserable for no discernible reason, and I was even more confused when my mood would skyrocket within the next few minutes to the point where I thought that I was the most special person in the world. I thought that I was the only person in the world who could fly, and instead of destroying things, I felt that I was creating. I jumped on desks and tried to pretend I had wings as I hopped off. The workers found this, at least, somewhat humorous, but I was always made angry yet again by their laughter and then I continued my destructive tendencies. I was unstoppable not only to others, but I also couldn't even control myself.

I never listened to my mother when she told me to quit this kind of behavior. I wanted to listen, but I didn't have the heart to do so. More research was ruined and more experiments were interrupted. More bones were broken. After a while, the leader of Team Rocket even called me into his office to speak with me in the sternest voice I had ever heard… but even he didn't cease the insane thoughts that went through my mind and were translated into actions.

As time went on, things only got worse. My thoughts had changed from not only wanting to hurt myself by being a part of experiments and battles, but I also wanted to hurt others. I didn't like the other scientists. They looked at me funny, they never seemed to smile, they hurt the pokémon that my mother loved so much, and they obviously wanted me—and my mother—gone. It started with me simply drawing pictures of stabbing them and killing them by breaking their necks. When I was finished with a drawing, I would show my mother proudly, thinking that she would agree with me, as she never spoke too highly of the other workers. But apparently her words were only jokes, as she quickly reprimanded me and told me never to draw things like that again. Of course, I didn't listen.

What happened from then on was also out of my control. My thoughts raced so quickly that I couldn't tell what I was thinking about most of the time. When I did unbelievable things, I only realized it after it had all happened. I spilled vials full of chemicals all over the workers, sending quite a few of them to the floor with their skin being torn apart. They writhed in pain, and I only laughed at them like they laughed at me. I yelled at them to try experiments on humans to see how they liked it. (Later, I would regret this, as it seemed that they took me literally.) I felt the pressure to keep talking, so I insulted them incessantly until my mother came to seize me and take me home for the day, even if she wasn't done with her work.

Things weren't much better in our actual home. I destroyed things and the house was often a mess that my mother never cleaned up. At night, I would either sleep too much or sleep too little. When I slept too much, I had vivid dreams about violence and gore that made me wonder every day about whether or not they had really happened. It was likely that they could happen, after all, given the nature of the laboratory. At other times, I found it impossible to sleep, even though my own bed was familiar to me. After spending about six hours trying to fall asleep, I would wake up sweating and screaming because of night terrors. The lack of rest only contributed to my untamed moods and actions.

Occasionally we went out to other places. Sometimes we went to restaurants and went to celebrate holidays and went to the park and went to buy things, and soon, I would have even been sent to school. But mostly there was no time for that, so I stayed inside those four metallic walls and learned about the world that way. If I had known that this was all I would see for about ten years of my life, I would have been fine with leaving more.

For two years this went on, until the leader of the laboratory had finally gotten sick of me and my wild antics. The boss had given my mother leeway since she was of a higher ranking, but there was only so much he could take.

I was only six-years-old when Team Rocket wanted me executed immediately.

"This boy has contributed nothing positive to Team Rocket's goals," the boss started bluntly. I had heard once or twice that his name was Giovanni, but not many people dared to say it. His appearance didn't help matters. He was a tall man with broad shoulders. He had dark brown hair and thin eyebrows. He wore a black suit with black slacks that were held up by a belt. He wore an evil grin, too… and I didn't think he was much better than the others I knew. My mother was the only good person in this place.

He had specifically set up a meeting time for my mother and me to come see him. She had brought me along, of course, since the meeting was about me. We were on the seventeenth floor, watching the leader intently as he casually sat back on the blue couch in the middle of his office. We stood in front of him, on the opposite side of the coffee table. All I knew was that he didn't look happy, so I clung to my mother and let her do all of the talking, though I definitely had something to say.

"Master Giovanni, I can explain—"

"There is nothing to explain. If you had an explanation, the boy would have been stopped a long time ago. He has destroyed years of work, and he has put a temporary halt to our future research. He has blatantly hurt other workers in this building and made several of them quit. Above all, he has shown no signs of getting better throughout these past two years." There was a pause. I flinched at his words and hid behind my mother now. "I like you, Melanie, and I want to like your son. But he is too much to handle, even for you."

"What… What are you trying to say, Master Giovanni?" my mother said. Her voice was unnaturally weak.

"The boy is clearly… mentally impaired," the leader said, "and he has no home in a place like this. I want him gone for good."

"Master Giovanni, with all due respect, I don't want to do that," my mother said quickly. I clung to her harder, trying my best not to lash out. "He is my son. I have nothing left but my son. My husband is in jail, and I don't want to lose my last connection to him. I can't go through another loss like this. Besides, where will he go? Who will take care of him?"

"Melanie," Giovanni said gently, though he was grinning. "If you let the boy loose now, he will speak of everything he has seen. You cannot tell me that he won't speak, because he's not yet been put in a situation where he could tell someone something. We cannot depend on him going somewhere else and staying quiet."

"Master Giovanni, please—"

"I want the boy executed."

My mother's eyes widened. "You want him… killed?" she breathed.

I didn't know the meaning of the word "execution" at the time, but my mother cleared it up for me. The leader of Team Rocket wanted me gone for good. I was only six years old. It didn't seem plausible to me. Even though the team was ruthless and heartless, they didn't kill people. They didn't kill pokémon. At least, I had never seen them kill anyone… My hatred for them grew tenfold as I realized that this had probably been done in the past without my knowing. My feelings welled in my chest, and I huffed. I darted forward, reaching forward with my hands. I jumped at Giovanni, attempting to scratch at his face, but he had apparently been prepared for this. He held out his arms and kept me still. He was much stronger than I was, and there was nothing I could do to get any closer to him.

My mother gasped and pulled me away from him. "Sai, how could you attack Giovanni, of all people?"

"He's evil! He wants to get rid of me!" I cried.

"Master Giovanni, please reconsider. This is probably just a phase. He will grow out of it…"

"I've given him two years, Melanie. As I've said, he's shown no improvement. I want him gone, and that's final."

"Surely, there must be another use for him," my mother said. She was struggling to speak, as she was still trying to hold me back. Eventually, finally, I went limp and started crying. I wailed and wailed and wished that my mother's grasp was more comforting. I started thinking up ways that I could hurt Giovanni further—in his sleep, when he wasn't expecting it…

"Another use? I cannot think of anything this miscreant could be useful for."

"…I thought you might try to get rid of him. Hush, Sai, this is important," my mother said, though I could tell that she was trying to hold back tears too. I sobbed quietly, but I couldn't stop myself completely. "I thought about what happened if he couldn't get better. Look, Giovanni, I don't want to lose my job here. Or my son. There has to be a way. Why don't we keep my son here while I'm working? In the basement, with the other pokémon?"

"He does apparently think he's a pokémon that deserves to fight like one," Giovanni mused. "Go on."

"He'll stay… locked up as I'm working. I'll take him home at night, and—"

"No more. Have you not thought about him running away and hurting others? We can't have him ruin our reputation."

She gulped. "As you wish, Master Giovanni. He'll stay in the cells. I will teach him there in my free time, as if he was going to school."

"I have yet to see how he will be of use to us."

"Well, as you said… Sai seems fond of pokémon. When he is old enough—you are free to choose the time, so that you no longer see him as a threat—we will set him loose on a journey." She paused, waiting to see if he would interrupt again. When he didn't, she continued, "He will raise pokémon and send them back for Team Rocket to use. We can see if he is any better at raising pokémon with his… outlandish personality, compared to the rest of us. It will be a… survival project of sorts."

Giovanni leaned back in his seat, smiling. "Now this," he said, "sounds interesting. Again, go on."

"Okay," my mother breathed. Her voice was barely audible. "Okay."

"Mommy?" I said quietly, looking up at her.

What was she possibly planning for me?

Giovanni demanded that the plan be put in effect immediately, so that I wouldn't cause any more unnecessary damage. We went home shortly afterward, though my mother certainly was in no hurry. She walked slowly and stayed quiet the entire way. When we got there, she instructed me to get my suitcase and pick out my favorite toys while she looked at clothes. It was one of the first directions I got as an experiment for Team Rocket, but I didn't know it at the time. I was still lost and asking questions that had no clear answers.

"We will feed you there, so there's no need to pack food. Or water," she said. She kept mumbling things like this, and then she was mumbling obscenities about Giovanni, which again made me wonder why she obeyed a man like him.

For once, I listened to her. It seemed like a life or death situation that I should follow. Since I didn't care much for playtime, I didn't have many toys to get. I only picked up a few stuffed animals and some talking machines that reminded me of the ones back at the laboratory. I put them in a suitcase and watched as my mother filled it with all different kinds of clothes, pieces even for different seasons.

In the middle of her packing, I stopped her by climbing into her lap and hugging her because she seemed so depressed. At such a young age, I even knew what depression was. It was feeling too little when you wanted to feel something, anything. It was a small yet enormous amount of apathy and hatred and loneliness and sadness all built into one hollow soul. Depression was needing all day tomorrow to recover from today. It was something that no one should have to experience, so I tried to comfort her. And I tried to get some answers.

"Mommy," I said, "are you going to leave me?"

"No, Sai," she said. She immediately broke into sobs and switched from holding me to holding her face in her hands, trying to mask her sorrow. It didn't work; I could feel it emanating from every fiber of her being.

I sat there quietly, listening to the sound of her crying mixed in with my racing thoughts. Neither was pleasant to listen to. I couldn't even come up with anything to say to her because I was thinking too quickly.

We sat there in silence for a long, long time.

Finally, she said, "Let's go… before he thinks too much and changes his mind."

We made our way ever so slowly to the laboratory. We passed the green brick houses and the green grass and my mother told me to remember the view forever, because it would be a long time until I ever saw it again. I didn't take her seriously, of course, but I wished I had later on. The grass below tickled my feet and the green of the houses—including my own—made me feel envious of other people. It was an emotion that I would continue to feel for many years to come.

When we reached the laboratory at the edge of Mahogany Town, the one I had grown so familiar with, we went into an area that I had never been to before. We usually always went upstairs, but this time, we went downstairs. I thought that it would resemble the basement that we had in our own house—which was comfortable as it was a combination of a family room and a toy room—but it didn't. Not at all.

In the middle of the basement was a movable cot which had a long, leather strap lying out. What caught my eye closely after that, however, were several cages lined up on the walls. They were all filled with pokémon. Some of them even had two or three of them in one small cage. So this was where all of those experimental pokémon came from, I thought. They came from these cages in the basement, and they were strapped onto that cot and wheeled upstairs for further examination or to battle. It all made so much more sense to me now.

My mother brought me over to the far left wall where three empty, larger cages stood. She explained that they were there for bigger pokémon… but now, they would be used for humans.

"This," she said, "will be your new home, Sai."

I stared at it, unimpressed. While my old home had two floors and several rooms, this cage was only about as big as the bathroom. It had a small bed in the corner, a sink, a toilet, and… a barred door. It wasn't exactly appealing. I swallowed hard, squeezing the handle of my suitcase, wishing that there was no reason for it to exist.

My mother went to open the door, waiting for me to go inside. After a few minutes of me refusing to move, she pushed me and told me not to be so difficult. The time for being difficult had to be over, or I'd never get released. I didn't think that the things I had done were really that bad, but I was starting to reconsider my notions.

"Sai, you are going to do extraordinary things for us," she said in a more lighthearted voice. "Can you do that for me? Can you agree to this? I'll be here with you always. I know that will help you. Can you do this for me?"

For her, I nodded. I trusted her wholeheartedly. I was only six years old; I didn't know what I was agreeing to at all.

She smiled weakly and she shut the doors, but I couldn't tell if they were shutting me out from the world or if they were shutting me in to keep me safe.

And so began my life as a human experiment for Team Rocket.

At first, it didn't seem so bad. I was beginning to live in a relatively peaceful state of mind, which happened once in a great while. It had started when I had attacked Giovanni and had been hushed by my mother… I knew that I was going to be quieter because I hadn't been as tough or as violent as I usually was. I felt luckier than ever whenever these kinds of serene moments happened in my life. For a while, it made me think that this cage was meant to be my home, after all. It was cozy enough. The bathroom was always accessible, and the pokémon that often stared at me from across the room looked away when I had to go. And I had my toys to play with whenever I felt interested. And the bed was comfortable, even if it was small, and I wondered what would happen when I outgrew it. Would my mother buy me a new one?

As she promised, she didn't abandon me. She came to visit me every day—several times a day, in fact. She was becoming more involved in my life than ever before! It seemed like a great deal to me. She was teaching me my numbers and my letters, saying that I'd normally be in school by now and that she wanted to keep me on a regular schedule, like most kids would be on.

But as time went on, my old habits returned. The only thing that had improved was my separation anxiety; I had, indeed, grown out of that phase. Still, it became increasingly difficult to think about numbers and letters long enough to attempt memorizing them. I wanted to destroy things… and people, if given the chance. I was either too sad or too angry. When I was too sad, I spent most of my time huddled over my suitcase in the corner of the room, begging to go home. This riled up the other pokémon in the room, but I ignored them. And when I was too eccentric, I tore up the clothes that I had and the flashcards that my mother had given me to practice with. I yelled and yelled and yelled, both obscenities and random things on my mind, just to get the thoughts out of my zipping head, but no one came to rescue me. Not even my mother.

"If you ever want to get out of here," she told me sternly, "then you have to focus. You can't let your emotions get the best of you. I'm going to teach you everything that you need to know so that you're prepared when you leave this… nice place. But we have to start small."

I tried my best. I used self-made routines to help me. I used my forever growing fingernails to etch the alphabet into the stone wall of my cell. I continued to do the numbers, zero to one hundred, even when I started bleeding. It was the only thing I could think of doing. I needed something that I couldn't destroy, and this was it. My mother didn't seem to approve or disapprove; she only seemed pleased that I wasn't being completely destructive. As a reward, she told me that most pokémon trainers set off on their journey at age ten, which was only four years from now. Four years! The first four years of my life now seemed like a blur, so perhaps the next four would go by just as quickly. I didn't think anything of it.

Time passed so quickly I couldn't keep up with it. Since I didn't even have a window in this place, I couldn't tell if it was day or night, winter or summer. Many things happened, but the one event that stands out the most to me is when I received a very special visitor.

He was a short man with a shiny bald head. His face was lean and taut. He had a soft, inviting smile, so I didn't scream or attempt to attack him, though I was feeling especially wild when he came. He wore a red tie and a gray suit, and all I could think about was how I was so glad to see those colors outside of the blood and stone on my walls. I had never seen him before in my life, so I knew he wasn't from the laboratory. He said that his name was Dr. Richards, and then my days were filled to the brim with new experiences and feelings that I didn't even have names for.

"Sai… Sai Luart. Age ten. Is that right?"

"Oui."

"I don't speak French. It's my understanding that your mother has taught you several languages thus far. Is that also right?"

"…Sorry. I guess so."

"It's best to learn multiple languages when you're young. You're able to speak the different sounds and learn them better."

Silence.

"You know, I don't get many young patients like you. I would say that you're special."

"That's what they all said."

"Who said that?"

"Everyone above us. They wanted me dead."

"That's not very kind, is it? Well, I don't want you gone."

Silence.

"Sai Luart. Age ten. I have a lot of information written down about you besides this, but I'd like to hear your side of the story. Is that all right with you?"

"Did my mother bring you here?"

"Yes. She did."

"…Nevertheless, I have no story to tell."

"I bet you do. Everyone does. From my understanding… You were a very worrisome young boy. You seem to harbor a ton of anger toward yourself and others, and you seem to cherish violence when it seems most convenient for you. Many interviewees pointed out that they knew how you were feeling based on the look in your eyes. What do you think?"

"Yeah. Well, I've changed an awful lot since then. I'd _love_ to tell you about it."

It was true—I had learned many languages. And several other things. After teaching me the basics, she taught me how to write and read. Writing didn't take long, since I had already partially taught myself by carving in the letters. My handwriting was legible enough for her. She said there wouldn't be many instances where I had to sign something. Next came reading. This, at least, gave me something to do when sitting in my cell, but it was extremely difficult with my short attention span. It took much longer than it should have to teach me to read according to her, but she succeeded eventually by giving me plenty of children's books. She had to replenish them every two weeks or so because I tore those apart too. When I said I wanted harder material, she brought young adult books for me. The new books were a challenge that I gladly undertook. My mother occasionally made jokes about me reading the research materials that were always being made on floors above, but I didn't find it funny. I really did want to take part in that, just to have a chance to be somewhere else, breathing in air that wasn't heavy and full of unpleasant smells.

Next, she taught me the basics of pokémon. There were different types belonging to each individual pokémon, she said. She used the ones across the room as an example. Mostly, there were fire-types and poison-types and dark-types with us, with a small number of steel-types. These types were the most difficult to raise, she said, but they were highly rewarding. She taught me which types were effective against others and which were not so effective. Fire beat grass, water beat fire, grass beat water. It seemed simple enough, and I passed these tests with flying colors. I thought that if only Giovanni could see how intelligent I was becoming, he would let me out sooner, but my mother solemnly told me not to get my hopes up.

History and basic mathematics came next. I learned addition and subtraction and division and multiplication, and my mother told me that although the lessons didn't seem too fun, they would be useful later on when trying to keep money. Money would be absolutely vital, she said, and she promised that she would have plenty of it prepared for me. Every time, I told her not to go through the trouble, but she just shook her head and asked me to repeat the stories behind Kanto and Johto and Hoenn and other pokémon regions, along with the story of how pokémon were discovered in the first place. Apparently, these regions were uninhabited in terms of humans, and one day, pokémon showed up on the shores of Africa. Though plenty of animals lived in Africa, pokémon were deemed as reckless monsters at first, and the people there went to great lengths just to keep them in their native habitats. It took many years for the trusting bonds between pokémon and humans to form. It made me wonder whether or not I was meant to be a pokémon instead, only I ended up in the wrong body, the wrong life.

The lessons, though simple, kept me busy. The books kept me busy. My mother's daily visits kept me busy. But it wasn't enough. As it turned out… four years was a very, very long time when most of what I did was simply sit there, looking at the pokémon from across the room. While my mother taught me French (our family's main language, I knew) and English and German and Japanese—she told me that I'd want to be prepared to speak to anyone I came across on my journey—I, out of sheer boredom and slight curiosity, taught myself the art of speaking to pokémon. When all I had was time, it was relatively easy, and I figured that it would be important to talk to my partners. Why my mother hadn't taught me this on her own time was beyond me.

I learned by genuine observation. Since, to anyone who couldn't understand, pokémon only spoke their names, intonation and body gestures were key. Each and every pokémon had a clear voice that they used for all of the individual emotions that they could possibly have. I learned the sounds of sadness, of anger, of happiness. The pokémon shook their tails in delight when they wanted something (in the cells, it was usually food), or, if they didn't have tails, their eyes glittered when they talked. Ears flattened when they were worried or feeling guilty. And so on. I could feel the emotions pouring out of them with every action they did, and this translated into an understanding of their speech.

The first full conversation that I had with a pokémon—a long, purple snake named Arbok—went something like this:

"Hello?" I said, feeling pretty prepared. I wanted to practice. Above all, I wanted to socialize. It had been far too long since I spoke to anyone besides my mother and Giovanni. I knew that saying hello was appropriate, at least, because that was what my mother used to say when she answered the phone.

"The boy is talking to himself again," I heard the arbok say nonchalantly. He wasn't even trying to be quiet, and in truth I had come to understand the many insults that he had thrown my way over the last couple years. These insults had triggered numerous rages of mine, but I hadn't stopped them. With my lack of self-control, I didn't know how.

"That's not very nice," I said now. I was in one of my calm, peaceful states. It wouldn't last long, so I had to make use of it while it was still there…

"It's not?" the arbok said, glaring at me. And then his face softened and mouth opened in surprise, revealing a long, red tongue that looked like a fork. Forks were one of the things in the real world that I missed, since my mother couldn't give them to me for fear of me using one as a weapon. The sight of the arbok's tongue made me want to give up, but I somehow kept pressing on.

"It's not," I repeated his words, suddenly too overwhelmed to think of my own.

"It's apparently a special gift to be able to talk to pokémon, boy. How long have you been listening to us?"

"I think," I said, ignoring his question and finding the courage to go on, "it's just because I have nothing else to do. I have a lot of time to learn, whereas everyone else is too preoccupied with life." I shifted around uncomfortably, the bareness of my feet feeling the cold of the stone floor below me. It seemed appropriate and fitting, so I didn't put any socks or shoes on. I wasn't even sure if I had some anyway.

"That could be it, too. Would explain why all the Nurse Joys in the world can listen to pokémon and understand them perfectly fine."

"Nurse Joys?" I asked curiously.

"You'll meet one someday, I'm sure. They do nothing but spend time with pokémon… just like you," the arbok said rudely. He sneered and looked away from me, and I could hear the sarcastic tone of his voice. It rang through my entire body, and I could feel his scorn firsthand amidst all of my own emotions that were stirring in my heart.

"Why do you say that?"

"You're getting out of here. We're not," Arbok said, his contempt abruptly showing.

"I'm still stuck here for a long, long time," I said sadly. I couldn't bear to look at the snake anymore, so I stopped.

"Then rest, little boy. Quit making so much ruckus all the time. Be calm. And prepare yourself for the world," Arbok said. It turned away from me and didn't look back, and I knew that that was the end of the conversation.

Rest, he said! It was easy for him. He didn't have a never ending list of things he needed to do when he got out of this forsaken place running through his mind. Okay, maybe he did have this, even though he was supposedly never leaving, but I could say for certain that my thoughts raced faster than his, so that didn't count. He didn't have a mind that constantly ticked over, counting the amount of specks in the patterns on the stone walls surrounding three sides of his body. He didn't have three songs running in his head all at once, songs that were once sung to him by his mother. He didn't have images from last night's dreams haunting him and talking to him. Rest, he said… I would, if only it were that simple.

But it was getting easier. The symptoms of my mental illness (as Giovanni called it, though I wasn't sure what it entirely entailed) were changing dramatically as I grew older. I no longer wanted to tear things—or people—apart. That was one thing that I had always been worried about thanks to the boss. My impulses consisted of other things now. And when my moods shifted, they stayed for longer periods of time instead of changing every hour or every few minutes. That meant that I had longer moments of peace and clarity as well. And my delusions of grandeur graduated from thinking that I was impossibly able to fly to thinking that I was, more realistically, sent as a special gift from the sky above to do Arceus' bidding.

But while many things were different, many things were still the same.

I was still sick, no matter what happened.

"I would love to hear it, if you'd be willing to tell me."

"I either feel too much or feel too little. I believe that I am better than everyone else and that they're just keeping me locked up because they don't want to admit my greatness. Despite this, I have no desire to live my life half of the time because things can't possibly improve. When I do want to live, I want to do too many things at once. I have many plans for the future... My father is dying in prison, miles and miles away, and I feel like I'm the one killing him. I feel guilty, like I'm being punished for doing that to him. I can't eat, or I eat too much. I can't sleep, or I sleep too much. I can't make any decisions for myself, so I have my mother make them for me. I am bored with everything, dissatisfied. I can't overcome my loneliness or fear for the future. I can't be with others without going crazy, but I can't be alone. I can't concentrate on anything for too long. I want to fight and fight and tell everyone that they've all let me down. I want to talk too much, all the time… if you couldn't tell by now."

"It sounds like you are very, very overwhelmed."

"I am. I am beyond overwhelmed. All the time…"

"I think I can help you, Sai."

"You can? Are you sure?"

"Yes. Why not?"

"No one's ever offered to help me before."

"Yes. Well. I can give you medications to keep your moods stable."

"What's wrong with me?"

Silence.

"Give me a name. Tell me what's wrong with me."

"They call it bipolar disorder. Very uncommon in children, but it does happen."

"…Thanks."

"There is one problem, however. As I told you earlier, Sai… you are very young. Medications for younger patients aren't forbidden, but they aren't encouraged, either. Do you know why that is?"

"No."

"This is because your brain is still growing. Your body is still growing. These medications can do things to permanently… mess up your brain chemistry."

Silence.

"You're young, but this isn't going to be a phase you're going to grow out of. Bipolar disorder is forever. Medication will almost be a necessity for the entirety of your life. Nevertheless, it's up to you. What will you do?"

Silence.

"For your mother, will you take the medication?"

Silence.

"Sai?"

"…Yes… I will."

"I hope they work well for you. I sincerely do. It may take a long time to find the right one, so… let's get started."

Another peculiar symptom that came to me when I was about eleven years old was… delusions. That was what my mother called them, though she regretfully said that she could do nothing for me. She said that Dr. Richards would have to take care of it. Dr. Richards only said that he wasn't sure if it was because of medication or if it was just natural. He suspected the latter, as it was apparently common among the mentally ill. And I had come to accept that that was what I was—mentally ill. Messed up in the head. Forever sick.

I was lying in my tiny bed—I was, indeed, starting to outgrow it, and my mother promised that it would be replaced soon—trying to sleep when it happened. The room started spinning around me. I completely forgot where I was, even though the room was so familiar to me. My breathing grew heavy, and I wanted to punch myself or burn myself and convince myself that I was real. But I couldn't move. It was hard to even breathe when it felt like a heavy weight sat on my chest, and my lungs seemed to have finally noticed that there was a dead spot in the middle of my chest, shriveled up due to lack of use. Everything I looked at quickly became blurry. I kept blinking to make everything clearer, but in my mind, everything was still muddy. I was suddenly convinced that all the memories I had belonged to someone else because I believed that I was a pokémon. In reality, I knew that I wasn't, but that was what it felt like.

I was a small creature. I looked down at myself when I finally had the strength to do. I was a dark brown color, with some cream on a circular part of my belly. I had tiny paws and tiny feet. My sense of smell had increased tenfold, and the ears that I now had felt nothing but danger nearby. Yes, I was a pokémon, yet I was not.

Images flashed through my mind. There were images of destruction, of blood and gore, just like I had seen in my dreams so many times before. This felt different. This felt utterly and terrifyingly real. Several pokémon that looked just like me were being torn apart and eaten alive, even the babies. From far away, I was a spectator who was powerless and unable to fight, even though the urge to do so clung and screamed at every part of my body. I couldn't do a thing. I watched and watched, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

I violently shook myself back to reality. I sat straight up, taking in the view in front of me. All was dark. All was quiet, aside from my obvious panting. I jumped out of my bed and tried to run to the other side of the room, crashing into the bars in the process. I wanted to look for that pokémon, but I had never seen it before in the laboratory. I had to find it. I had to find it and save it, but I didn't have the means to do so.

The next day, someone was brought into the cell next to me. I was in my bed yet again, sleeping, so I never got a good look at him. When I woke up, the pokémon were murmuring and laughing to each other, saying that the person next to me was "just as crazy as the Sai boy." I didn't dare speak to the other boy because he was talking to himself frantically, wildly, praying to Arceus that He would shed some light upon him or that He would come rescue him, Senori Deliro, from the life that he had so suddenly been thrust into. Apparently, I had been so successful up to this point that they decided to bring in another test subject.

I had thought about it all night. I still vowed to find that pokémon. I vowed to put that pokémon on my team and take care of it as best as I could, since it was obviously injured emotionally after what it had seen. Remembering that everyone had to have something to call their own, I decided that I didn't want to use my mother's name, and I didn't want anyone to remind me of the boss. I would find that pokémon, and I would call him Senori… for the sake of the one that was just like me, stuck behind bars in a life that was less than ordinary.

Sertraline hydrochloride, anti-depressant, 50mg. Used to confirm the diagnosis of childhood bipolar disorder. Reported frequent headaches, symptoms of mania (delusions of grandeur, high motivation and energy). Discontinued.

Fluoxetine hydrochloride, anti-depressant, 10mg, increased to 20mg. Used upon request by Master Giovanni upon seeing the effects of sertraline hydrochloride. Reported weight gain (10lbs), frequent nausea, sweating, symptoms of mania (worsened insomnia, delusions of grandeur, impulsive and aggressive behavior). Discontinued.

Lithium carbonate, anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer, 300mg. Reported severe pain and tremors, and thinking that he was a "zombie, though I'm not sure what that means, but I've heard my mother describe it as a bad, bad feeling." Discontinued upon having intentions for suicide.

Lamotrigine, anti-convulsant/mood stabilizer, 25mg. Reported better sleeping, calmer moods, slight paranoia. Discontinued upon seeing rash.

Quetiapine fumarate, anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer, 50mg, increased to 100mg. Reported sleeping too much (16+ hours a day). No other reaction. Discontinued.

Aripiprazole, anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer, 15mg, increased to 30mg. Reported extreme paranoia (thinking that others wanted to poison him) and an unwillingness to eat. Discontinued.

Patient tried to refuse all further treatment but called for me five days later, saying he had changed his mind.

Divalproex sodium, anti-convulsant/mood stabilizer, 25mg. Reported severe weight gain (30lbs), returned homicidal thoughts, frequent dizziness and aggression, strange and vivid dreams. Discontinued.

Chlopromazine hydrochloride, anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer, 10mg. Reported lethargy, depersonalization, numbness. Discontinued upon request.

Risperidone, anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer, 0.5mg, increased to 1mg, then 2mg. Reported slight anxiety, calmer moods, better sleeping.

I believed that I was nearing fourteen years of age. I had asked my mother to stop celebrating my birthday at the beginning of every January. After missing all of the holidays in the two previous months, I didn't want her to take pity on me and try to cram all of those days into one. It only made me miss the outside world more, which wasn't what I needed.

What I needed was to get smarter and stronger, both mentally and physically. And that was exactly what I did. The readings got harder, the mathematics got crazier, the history more complex, and science came into play, too, since it would be nothing short of important to know the kind of land I would be treading on. And soon, my mother went back to trying to teach me life skills.

At first, she tried to teach me about cooking, saying that food would be absolutely essential not only for myself but also for my future pokémon. Eventually, this endeavor failed, as the leader of Team Rocket made it absolutely forbidden for me to leave my cell for any reason. He thought that I would go on a vengeful rampage if I were let out too soon. As he had said in his office, it would be he who decided when I could be set free. So my mother told me all about berries, about which ones were good for a pokémon's growth and which ones were poisonous. She told me about which types of human foods were good for me (for this, she brought well-planned meals to show me in person) and which were bad for pokémon. Avocados were bad for flying-types, excess chocolate was unhealthy for anyone, and so on.

She taught me how to fight. This, she said, was something that we would learn together. She read up on martial arts and watched videos about it and relayed all the information that she had learned to me. In the small room of the cells, we practiced kicking and punching and headlocks and any kind of move that could stop a potential murderer dead in his tracks. I asked her whether or not I would really have to use these techniques someday, and she said she hoped not, but it never hurt to be prepared.

She taught me about traveling. She told me to keep all of my pokémon out of their pokéballs at night. This was to ensure safety for myself when I was sleeping. I was to make damn sure, however, that none of them snuck off and got themselves hurt. Well, that would be easy enough, I mused, since I didn't sleep much anyway. She taught me about making fires and how to prepare my backpack for upcoming trips and how to find clean water nearby if I didn't already have some. I asked her if this was really okay, since one of the rules of the game was to not have any trusting bonds between pokémon and me (to prevent separation anxiety when the time came to give them away), and she said that it was just a risk that I'd have to take.

Lastly, she taught me how to read maps. She taught me about what all the little symbols meant, and how to tell which way was north and south and east and west. I learned information about each individual town in Johto, but that was it, seeing as how it would be impossible to leave the region. This would important, she said, when trying to figure out where to go… especially if I ever had to return to Mahogany Town at any point. She hoped that would never have to happen, because she could tell I didn't like it here. Well, wasn't that the truth? But I trusted her to make this game play out as fairly and as peacefully as possible, so I kept my mouth shut this time.

I tried to keep it all straight in my head, but my skill at retaining information was easily starting to fade. Ever since I had started the medication, my memory had become worse and worse. That was what Dr. Richards had meant when he said they could potentially ruin my brain chemistry, I supposed. I didn't tell him or my mother, however, because I didn't want to make it look like I was going to give up so easily, and I didn't want my mother telling Giovanni that all of the lessons that were aimed at me were for nothing.

I focused on getting better, on not being sick anymore. But it was the hardest thing I had ever done and probably would ever do. Not being sick anymore required me to be an entirely different person… a person that I just didn't know how to be. The fact that I had little contact with others made it impossible to live vicariously, and the fact that it was my brain causing me to be this way, not my own personal choices, made my decision even less than useless.

More people came into the cells. They were just as crazy as me, so they didn't help. A woman named Kuiora Loki said that she had the same disease as me, though hers was easily controlled by creativity. She was obsessed with the idea of sculptures and carvings of pokémon, especially legendary pokémon. She tried to etch her drawings into the stone walls at first, threatening to break through the walls and escape to her freedom. My mother—who was officially in charge of this project, it seemed—brought her several carving blocks over the course of a few months. Kuiora was released almost immediately once Giovanni saw how gentle and genial she was when she expressed herself in her own way… and once he saw how much money he could make off of selling her work.

Another man, Atis Harleen, was the quietest person I had ever met… not that I had met many people. To me, it seemed that the saying which claimed the quietest ones were the ones to watch out for was true. It took me two months just to get his full name out of him. He slept most of his time away, and once I was released, he was still there. I never figured out what was wrong with him or if there was anything wrong at all.

The last person to come to the cells when I was there was another man. He could only stand it for one night. He soon went into a screaming frenzy, yelling about how he didn't deserve to be put in a place like this. He was apparently going to go somewhere else, somewhere better, against everyone's will. He said that he was going to give my mother—and anyone who could hear him—two hours before he let himself go. "If you really want me," he said, "you'll come and get me!" But no one came. Two hours later, just as he vowed, I heard the loud sound of bone cracking against concrete. It sounded very familiar to me, given my previous excursions on pokémon battlefields. I covered my ears, but still I heard it over and over. It was so loud, and soon, there was nothing. Later, I found out that he had banged his skull against the stone walls until he had put himself into a coma. Giovanni had him executed since he didn't want to pay for the care it would take to repair him.

These people, though I had little to no contact with them (they were uninterested in me and in the pokémon in the room), they meant the world to me. I felt them in my heart and I didn't even know them. They gave me hope, they gave me strength, even the unknown man. I especially felt this way when Kuiora was released. I knew that I would be set free somehow, someway, and that things would get better not only for me, but also for the world—because of my doing. My mother promised me the same thing, and when she did, I smiled wider than I ever had whenever she wasn't around.

Above all, they helped me to shape my future pokémon team. I wanted to honor their lives and memories, and I was going to do just that. I pledged to keep my future pokémon with similar personalities or hobbies. They would even have the same names. There was Senori and Kuiora and Atis and—well, I would figure out his name later. It seemed like the perfect plan to me, despite knowing that I would have to return them to Team Rocket someday. That part of the project was always stuck in the back of my mind, mostly ignored. I would deal with it when the time came, I decided.

And instead of having delusions (which the medications seemed to have thankfully destroyed), I had strange and vivid dreams instead, ones that also helped me shape my future team. I saw flashes of yellow and cackling electricity, which reminded me of the poor nameless man and the price he had to pay to reach the sky above. There were many rivers where water wavered between rippling calmly and rippling wildly. And there was an army and a strong leader in front of the pack. I took these as important signs that I should remember someday, as I wasn't imagining gore and violence for once.

I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed, and for once, my future seemed beautiful.

"So, what was that man's name? I'm sure my mother tried to get you to come and talk to him. Am I right?"

"What man?"

"The one who I assume tried to commit suicide and failed."

"That has no place here. I'd like to know how you're feeling."

"I'd feel a lot better if I knew the man's name."

"I don't know the man's name."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now, how are you feeling?"

"I feel better. But I still miss the outside world."

"I don't think that will go away."

"Aren't you supposed to be the optimistic one?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

Silence.

"How about if I do you a favor?"

"A favor?"

"Tell me anything that you want to see. Anything from the outside world, and I'll bring it to you."

Silence.

"You will?"

"I will. Right now, whatever it is."

"Well… I don't have a window in here. Show me what looks like outside your window at twilight. My favorite part of day."

"I can do that. I'll be right back."

A very, very long silence.

"I was starting to think you'd never come back."

"Of course I would. I had to think about it, though. I couldn't just take a picture and develop it, since it's not twilight yet."

"What time of day is it?"

"Mid-afternoon."

"Oh."

"I brought you this."

"Dice?"

"Yes. I guess I can tell you one bad thing about myself... since I know so much about you. I'm, ah, afraid of the dark. At twilight, everything starts to turn black, just like the dots on the die. And for me, it's scary. The only safe place is inside. It's light and bright inside. The white resembles the purity that I feel from this safety. The intensity at which I feel this fear varies each day… thus the varying numbers on each side of the die."

"You're highly creative. I wish I was."

"So I've been told. Does it suit you?"

"It wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but yes, I suppose so. …Can I keep it?"

"You can."

"Thank you. Thank you."

To keep myself occupied, Dr. Richards suggested that I should try to find ways to make my future pokémon journey special. I told him that that would be breaking the rules. I couldn't get close to my pokémon. Well, he said. If I really wanted to be creative, then I could find ways to follow the rules and make things special. So I did.

With my mother's insistence, I would have a lot of money, so I would give each of my pokémon their own rooms. That would keep us separated, and would give them a lot of much needed privacy. Yes, that seemed perfect. And I would use the pair of die… somehow. I would make my pokémon roll the dice for me when I was catching them. If they were meant to be with me, then the die would land just right. One, two, three, four, five, six pokémon—they would get whatever correct number they were supposed to get. I knew that I was right because every time I thought about Senori being my first pokémon, I rolled the die and came up with only ones. That would surely make them feel like they belonged on my team and nowhere else, even if they didn't particularly like me (when I assumed they wouldn't, given my… disease).

I was going to be released soon. I just knew it. I could feel it in my bones, in my heart.

Of course, things didn't always go as planned, especially not for me. Things never wanted to go my way.

The medication only partially kept me stable. I still went off into rages, and a few nights later, I went into one of my worst ones yet. It wasn't my fault (at least, I didn't like to think so), but the damage was still the same.

The pokémon in the cages were particularly restless that night. For some reason, my mother was late in bringing us food, and the water was dirtied from not being refilled as it should have been. I didn't mind (and apparently neither did Atis), but the pokémon were fretting. If they had to be stuck here as loyal test subjects, then they believed that they should be treated right in every form possible.

"It's bad enough that I have to share a home with this goddamn kadabra," Arbok said. He, too, was in a hateful mood that night.

"Don't forget that I can mess up your mind. You should watch what you say," the kadabra replied in an even voice.

"If you could do that, then you should have ruined the minds of these scientists long ago and gotten us out of here. You're useless," the snake retaliated.

As their exchanges started to escalate, my mother just happened to come into the basement, a tray of food in hand. She apologized for her lateness, but she had thought of a great idea for me, which only made the pokémon glare in my direction. I shied back into the corner of my cell. She went on, saying that she had wanted to get approval from the boss. It always took a while to be able to talk to the boss. She settled down the pokémon by giving them their food, and then went back upstairs temporarily for the rest. She returned, gave Atis his food, which he thanked her feebly for, and then, before I knew it, she was in my cell, smiling excitedly. I stared at her, expecting her to say that it was time to leave—for good.

"Sai," my mother said. "I thought about how else I could help you on your journey. Well, battles are going to play a huge, huge part. And Giovanni won't let you out to battle on the second floor with everyone else, but he said—" She extended her arms out to show me the room, as if I had never seen it before. "—we could fight in here."

"In my cell…?" I said stupidly. "That sounds quite a bit dangerous, even for you guys…"

"You'll… still be in here," my mother said regretfully, "but the pokémon will be in the center of the room. It's big enough. And they know better than to disobey by now," she added, peering over to the other side of the room. The pokémon didn't dare look up from their feeding bowls.

"Okay," I said simply. "Whatever you think is best. I trust you."

"As you always have," my mother said. "Let's get started."

Once the pokémon were finished eating, she locked me back in and then she took the arbok and the kadabra out of the cells. I silently told myself that the idea of her choosing any other pokémon in the room would be guaranteed if she had heard their scuffling earlier. She brought them out into the middle of the room, and as expected, they were on their best behavior as they obeyed mindlessly. The arbok was placed on my side, and she would be battling with the kadabra. The two pokémon hissed as they stared each other down, and I knew that they weren't pretending to hate each other.

"You've seen battles before… and you've even been in them yourself sometimes," my mother said quietly. "But it's an entirely different thing to be controlling the battle. You have to know your pokémon inside and out to be able to predict how they're going to fight. You have to know their attack specialties, their defensive strategies, and, of course, their moves. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said simply, as I so often had during previous lessons.

"Good. I won't explain much. It's better for you to learn by doing. I'll let you go first."

It suddenly occurred to me that this was what I would be doing in the real word if I ever got released—no, when I got released. I froze as what seemed like a million emotions welled up in my chest, threatening to make it explode. The thought of making pokémon battle in such a harsh manner, as Team Rocket so often encouraged, was unbelievable to me. I only wanted to make friends with pokémon, to share their hopes and dreams and to have them know mine. But I had to follow the rules. I wasn't able to get close to pokémon. I had to battle with them and make them strong enough to become a fearful force of Team Rocket. To do anything else would lead to my death…

I gulped, pretending that there was something stuck in my throat that was preventing me from speaking. Finally, I said, "I don't know any of the arbok's moves."

"Then think of standard moves like tackle, scratch, defense curl, and tail whip. Just like I taught you when we went over pokémon basics."

"Okay… Arbok, use tackle!" I cried, using the force that my mother had instructed me to use, all that time ago. She said that it was vital to sound like I meant it when I was ordering them around, or they wouldn't have respect for me or feel the need to listen to me.

It appeared that I had used the right tone of voice, because the arbok immediately lunged at the kadabra, headfirst and with full power. Or maybe he was just waiting for the command so that he could tear the kadabra apart. Either way, my first command as a pokémon trainer seemed to have worked. There was an odd sense of relief that passed through my body, and I welcomed it wholeheartedly.

This didn't last long, however, as the arbok didn't stop at just a tackle attack. The kadabra flung backward and caught itself before it fell on its back. The arbok darted forward again, and the same scenario repeated itself, except that the snake didn't allow for the psychic-type to get up. He plopped down on the kadabra's body and stayed there, watching the pokémon beneath him struggle to get back up.

"Arbok, get off of him!" I cried, clinging on to the bars, wanting to get closer to help the kadabra out. Apparently, the arbok couldn't hear me over the kadabra yelling the same thing, because he didn't appear to hear me. The snake, of course, was more prone to listen to me than its opponent.

"Kadabra, use psychic! Don't hold back," my mother said.

The kadabra stiffened, holding out the spoon in his hand as he closed his eyes and focused. The arbok was soon enveloped in a bluish light, and he rose up into the air. He tried to lash out at the psychic-type with his teeth without me ordering him to, but it was too late to reach far enough. He went higher and higher into the air, and suddenly, his body started twisting in peculiar ways. The kadabra telekinetically caused the arbok's tailbone to crack and break, making the snake wail and wail. The mixture of horrible sounds seemed to reverberate in the air.

"Why are you doing that to him? This is supposed to be a battle!" I cried, my eyes wide and my heart hammering.

"The kadabra could have easily broken the arbok's neck instead," my mother said, entirely unaffected. "We believe that pokémon should, at all times, use their full power… and their full power should be enough to kill another if necessary. If they can't do that, then they're useless to us." She sighed. "I thought you knew this, Sai."

"I do know that. I did. I just… Bad things should only happen to bad people, like the ones I hurt… These pokémon are good and trapped here for no reason…"

I let my voice trail off as I had to center my attention to my abruptly shaking body. I tried to make it stop, but found it impossible. My volatile thoughts argued against each other. Some of them said that violence was the answer, while the other half claimed that no, there had to be another way, there just had to be, or life was meaningless. Absolutely meaningless. The sight before me was a blur, and the screaming deafened. I was rolling and rolling around in my head incessantly; I had a front row seat to the end of my world, and there was nothing I could do about it.

My grasp on the bars in front of me tightened considerably. I was used to my view being obscured by these long, thick pieces of metal that also blocked my freedom. Sometimes they were moved out of the way, but I could never see out of the door long enough to keep myself satisfied for more than a few seconds. And I thought—even if I were to be let out of this place, maybe nothing would ever be enough. Maybe I would never get used to the feeling of sun beating down on the back of my neck. Maybe I would never get over the way that grass can tickle my feet when I'm not wearing shoes. Maybe I would never get over the way it feels to converse about the simple things in life. I missed it so now, and although I wasn't sure I'd ever get used to the experiences, it could at least be a wonderful time. Better than this. I had to know if things would get better or worse or if they would stay the same. I always wanted to be let go, but the desire to be set free wasn't something you could just get used to, like catching colds or eating at the same time every day… Yes, it was just as terrible, just as terrifying every time it happened.

I shook the bars in front of me, trying to make them bend to my will and break, just like the kadabra had done to the arbok, only my actions wouldn't have been cruel and unnecessary. The bars weren't living and breathing creatures—or were they? What did I know? All I knew was that they didn't budge. Instead, I beat at them with my head, but this only reminded me of the nameless man, and I didn't want to be like him, I really didn't, so I used my arms and hands and legs instead, and every strike hit with a loud clang, but nothing caused any damage, not even a dent. This only made me angrier. I used my own full force, ignoring the obvious pain that followed. Agony shot through my arms and up to my shoulders, through my legs and down to my feet, but I only kept going. I firmly believed that if I gave up now, then I would never get out. I would be trapped here forever, stuck in my own devious mind, my own spiteful body. I couldn't deal with that. I just couldn't.

"Let me out!" I screamed at my mother. Again and again. She was the only one who could help me. She was the one who had given birth to me, she was the one who had raised me, she was the one who had taught me things that I needed to know. She had done all of this for me, so why couldn't she let me out? Why was she so powerless in the one area that could help me the most?

Let me out!

My arms were forming bruises that would last for weeks, a seemingly everlasting reminder of rage that doesn't leave.

Let me out!

My legs hit a small, sharp section that was protruding from the main bar, which sliced my toes. Blood seeped to the floor, drip by drip, as if that part of my body was crying.

Let me out!

I hit and hit, screamed and screamed. My mother was on the other side of the door, trying to soothe me with her calming voice. It didn't work, for it was obvious that she was scared of me. Otherwise she would have come in and held me, like she always did.

Let me out!

I slid to the floor and sobbed and sobbed for a life that I didn't even know.

"You say that bad things only happen to bad people?"

"Yes."

"Bad things just happened to you. Are you a bad person?"

"Yes… I don't follow the rules that I should. I'm afraid that I won't be able to when I get out, either."

"This isn't your fault. You're sick, you know."

"Uh huh."

"You did this, and you don't think you're ill?"

"I never said that I didn't think I was sick."

"Well, you certainly don't seem to act like there's anything wrong with you. You act so… normal when you're around me, it's hard to believe you're a patient at all."

"I don't know who I am."

"You're Sai Luart."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you're a strong, courageous boy who's been through a lot. You're kind and you're a dreamer. And it means that you have a lot to look forward to."

Silence.

"Sai?"

"What do you want from me?"

Silence.

"What do you want from me?"

Silence.

"What do you want from me? What do you want from my life?"

I want to love you… whoever you are and whatever that means. I want to eat ice cream on the swing set in the backyard with you and I want you to watch part of the moon say hello to its other half and I want to watch your favorite movies and listen to your favorite songs and eat your favorite foods just to wear your heart and I want to one day stop counting the months, the days, the minutes, the seconds, until I can see you and I want to have someone to talk to when something good or bad or extraordinary or humiliating happens to me and I want you to like your name just because of the way I say it and I want to learn to cook just for you and I want to laugh at stupid jokes until I cry and I want to try to take care of you before I send you to a doctor and I want you to love yourself more than you love me and I want to save you from your senseless fears and and and

and I want to go on adventures with you and pretend that there's something left for me to find and I want to hear all about your past life and I want to remember every small detail about you and I want to find any excuse in the world to hold you and touch you and breathe you in and I want to worry about you all the time because I'll be so scared that I'll lose you any sooner that I have to and I want to stay up late into the night with you because reality feels okay when I'm with you and and and

and I want to tell you that you're perfect again and again and wonder why you don't believe me and I want to spend my life convincing you that you're perfect and I want to experience the feeling of doing something you don't understand for the sake of another and I want to cherish your existence because it gives me hope and I want to dream about all these things I want to do with you and for you and I want them to happen in real life and I want to tell you that dreams really do come true so we can feel young again

and I want to avoid shame and pain and fear and I want to repress my emotions and I want to beat the social norms I know and I want to fight against coercion and secrecy and I want to receive positive attention and I want to boost my self-confidence and I want to defend myself and I want to reach all of my goals and I want to stop charging toward my death

and and and

with this

and more

I want to

somehow

someway

show you this

unbelievable enduring unbreakable everlasting persistent endless captivating overwhelming completing empowering undying love I feel for life.

More time passed. There wasn't much left for me to learn, apparently, so I stuck to remembering things from the past, but it was hard. It was as if my memory had somehow been blocked recently. I could easily recall emotions that I had felt, but facts such as how type differences affected a pokémon battle slipped my mind. Not having anything to teach me meant that my mother showed up less and less. I became lonelier and lonelier. I slept with my books and shoes and clothes on the other side of the bed to make it feel like I was sleeping next to someone. It somewhat worked.

Once I heard the news-after much, much time had passed since the incident—that I was going to be released the following day, I immediately became restless. I felt wholly unprepared, and it was as if I had literally forgotten everything. I paced around the room the entire night because I was unable to sleep. The pokémon in the room looked at me with disgust and didn't even bother to say good-bye the following morning. That was fine. It would be better, I knew, if we could say hello somewhere else. Somewhere better.

When my mother came downstairs to get me, she ignored them entirely. She took the keys to the cell out of her pocket and unlocked the door. I couldn't help but notice that her hand was shaking as she did so, making it harder to slide the metal open. I looked up and smiled at her. She was nervous too, and I didn't feel so alone anymore.

"Come on, Sai," she said. "We've got a few things to do before you go."

I nodded. I followed her upstairs, looking at my cell one last time before rounding the corner. It hit me that there was, at least, one good thing about being all the way in the basement for the majority of my life. The realization was this: no matter where I would go from here, I could only go up. Up the stairs and out the door into the world.

She brought me to the third floor. Walking up the stairs had already put a strain on my legs, and I made a mental note that I would have to build up strength if I really wanted to go on this long journey. I was also able to notice that the scientists had done a decent job at cleaning up the terrible messes that I had left behind as a child. All of the machines looked brand new, and their desks were organized. The floor I saw was the complete epitome of cleanliness. The second floor was the same, though I was brought into an office that I hadn't known existed. The first thing I noticed was a desk that showed a nametag that said "Melanie Luart" on it.

"Sit down," she said, motioning to the seat in front of the desk. I did so. It was the first of many orders that I would have to obey. I vaguely knew it at the time, but I didn't feel the full force of my obligations until she started speaking again.

"You know your mission, yes? You are to set out on your own pokémon journey. Giovanni and I have decided that you are as ready as you'll ever be."

"Must you be so formal?" I said, shifting around slightly. I didn't know what I had been expecting once I got released, but it wasn't this. There was much more to come; I just had to be patient for a little while longer.

"Yes," she said simply. "Anyway, your ultimate goal is to prepare pokémon for our use, experimental or otherwise. To do this, you must raise them to the best of your abilities. Utilize everything I've taught you thus far. Catch pokémon that have the most potential by any means necessary. The pokémon must become as strong as possible, and when you think they're ready, you must report to us and send them to our laboratory. You are not to become attached to them. This ensures that you won't betray us. You are not allowed to leave the region or stray too far away from the main route."

"The main route?"

"Yes. You will start in New Bark Town and go from there. This is where all trainers start their journeys, supposedly... This is where it will be easiest to find pokémon that you can control."

"...Do I need to know anything else?"

"Nothing that you shouldn't know already. Train as much as you can. Don't stay in one place for too long, or you'll be prone to start wasting time. We can't have you slacking off. If we do catch you doing anything that doesn't meet our approval, then you will be punished accordingly."

I stared at her blankly. Hadn't I already been punished enough just for existing? Saying nothing, I then looked down to the ground, wanting to leave already. If the team was in such a rush, why were we wasting time here? I was feeling too energetic for my own good.

"If I think of anything else, then I'll be sure to let you know," my mother said, standing up. She gestured for me to join her and so I did. Before we left the room, I saw a picture frame sitting on her desk that showed me from when I was younger. Did I really ever look like that? And it had been so long that I didn't even know what I looked like now. She seemed to notice my curiosity, as she led me into the room next door, which was just the staff bathroom. From my peripheral vision I could see a large mirror hanging on the wall, and my skinny frame immediately stuck out.

"You need to clean yourself up before you go. Make yourself look presentable," she said. She reached into her pockets once more, making me think that she was going to lock me in again. Instead, she pulled out a small sharp device and handed it to me. "This includes shaving," she added, smirking.

"How do I do that?"

"Figure it out. You're a man now, right?" she said. She left me in the room by myself, alone and confused.

Of course, I wasn't interested in making myself presentable. The mirror and the image of myself that I hadn't seen in years mesmerized me instead. I leaned in over the sink, taking a look at my face. Noticing my dark blue eyes first, I couldn't help but think that they looked rather intimidating. They were eyes that were accustomed to the dark. They were accustomed to the same old views, and now they were seeing something new. There was a spark inside of them that I had never seen anywhere else. I wondered if they would change at all over the course of my journey.

I also wondered when I had changed so much otherwise. When had my hair turned black? Had it always been black? I thought I had seen the little boy in the picture have brown hair, but now I was not so sure. Seeing myself all at once threw me off guard. And how old was I now, anyway? I still had a young face with soft skin and all, aside from the stubble that covered the bottom half... Well, I wasn't about to ask. The answer would only tell me how many years I had lost.

I stared at myself for so long that it suddenly hit me that I was wasting time already, just like they didn't want me to. After quickly taking a shower (and after not wanting to leave the relieving warm water it offered), I tried shaving, as my mother requested. For the most part I succeeded, but there were clear cuts that I made in the process that made me bleed slightly. I brushed the blood away, wondering if I was making myself look worse or better.

When I was finished, I stepped out of the bathroom to find that my mother was waiting for me, and that she had probably been standing there the entire time.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I got sidetracked."

"Well, don't make a habit of it," she said, motioning for me to follow her once more.

This time, she led me outside. The sensation I automatically felt after my first steps out was overwhelming. The sun's rays seemed to blind me in a matter of seconds and it seemed as if I was going to be blown away by the wind that had suddenly picked up upon my arrival. The only thing that was familiar was the feeling of concrete below my feet. I felt dizzy and struggled to keep myself upright.

My mother chuckled, but it was a sad chuckle that she was obviously using to lighten the mood. She dug into her pocket one last time and handed me a rolled up piece of paper.

"This is a map of the Johto region," she said. "I taught you how to read one, remember? Head to New Bark Town, as I said. You'll be fine."

"You think so?" I said. "I can hardly stand the sun already."

My mother's demeanor quickly changed. She tensed up and said, "Your father would be proud, you know. He always said he would be proud, no matter what happened."

"It was as if you both knew this was going to happen," I mumbled.

"I didn't. I never meant for this to happen," she said. She wouldn't look at me.

"I believe you," I said anyway.

"Do you?" she said.

"You're the one who brought up the idea in the first place. That means you thought about it... and probably for a very long time. But under the circumstances at which you brought it up, yeah... I guess I believe you."

After a few moments of silence, she said, "Sai. Your name is like a weapon. Intelligently sharp, and very powerful. I know you can deal with whatever is thrown at you."

That was something I couldn't believe right away. It would take time to create that kind of thought within myself. Still, I trusted her words and nodded, but kept my disbelief silent. For it was not a prison of stone and metal that I feared, but one built of words and promises.

*

I was out of prison for nearly three weeks before I came to the realization that I had been in a flat place compared to the real world. I didn't even notice it until I left. At the Team Rocket headquarters, there were flat colors, flat noises, flat people. It had nothing to do with geography or Mahogany Town in general. The real world was just that much more lively. All of its smells and textures and sounds seeped into my bones and made me half-forget everything I had known before. I was adapting and coming out of my shell. Yes, this sort of beauty was my new truth.

As instructed, I made my way to New Bark Town. I had to first travel through the cave on the east end of Mahogany Town and everything from there was just a matter of going south. My mother had warned me that this method was the fastest, but also the most dangerous. There were more powerful wild pokémon in the nearby ice cavern and the next city, but it would quickly level off once I reached a certain point, she said. That was fine with me. I was determined to get myself started as soon as possible; I had already wasted enough time. If I ran into a wild pokémon, I simply fled or fought it myself. It was only difficult for a while because my body wasn't accustomed to fighting actual opponents. Eventually, though, I was able to stand my ground. A few pokémon even helped me out along the way and offered to come with me, but I had to decline their offer. Accepting would have meant breaking the rules too soon.

The ice cavern was cold and the nights were cold, but nothing could have prepared me for the chilling experience that I had when I met Senori. When I found him, my body seemed to freeze up immediately, and I had no idea what to do. He was just walking around aimlessly, maybe looking for something to eat. I knew that he was the right one because he was alone. His eyes told me that he was missing someone because he had seen terrible things, just like the pokémon in my vision had. He was the one, and I had to capture him... somehow.

It dawned on me that I didn't have any pokéballs. No... On my way to the outskirts of New Bark Town, I hadn't tried to go into another city and communicate with anyone. Not only did I want to get to my destination as quickly as possible, but also I wasn't sure if I could talk to someone else without messing up. It was better to wait. In addition, it was better to start off with a bad impression. I wasn't allowed to get close to my pokémon, after all. And that was why I attacked Senori when he was powerless—he would then dislike me from the start, and it was my only option in terms of catching pokémon, anyway. I forced him to join me with sharp words, like my mother would do.

"I don't care what anyone's called you. Your name is Senori," I had said, trying to sound confident. Inside, I was regretful, but there was no way I could let it show.

My confidence only became somewhat founded when I started my tradition of asking the pokémon to roll the die that the doctor had given me way back when. Was I really expecting the die to prove to Senori that he was meant to be my first pokémon? Half of me was hoping, and the other half was overcome by intuition. When the die showed a single dot after it was rolled, my beliefs were confirmed in my mind and apparently in Senori's.

"I'm going to take care of you," he had said.

And so he did. He took me to New Bark Town and told me how all trainers begin their pokémon journeys. While he scolded me at the same time, I looked for one out of many for the pokémon that was destined to join me next, at the proper starting point. I watched the totodile, cyndaquil and chikorita through the gates nearby. I only told Senori that no one stuck out to me in order to buy time. In truth, Kuiora stuck out to me immediately. During the training sessions, it was clear to me that she was fierce so she could get what she wanted. She was the strongest mostly because she wanted to be the strongest. Outside of that, though, she was gentle, and when I overheard Professor Elm talking to her, I discovered her love for legendary pokémon. She instantly reminded me of the Kuiora I had known before, so I took her in. Lying to Professor Elm about my origins was surprisingly easy, but it made me paranoid that perhaps the police would come after me as well if I did something wrong. This journey was definitely going to keep me on my toes.

Next came Atis. Senori had told me about the journey that all trainers take, the one to get the gym badges. I assumed that this was what my mother wanted me to do because the gyms went in a certain order, just like the cities, and the badges proved just how strong you were. Atis was my first step into the real adventure. I stepped into the pokémon school out of curiosity, but then swiftly realized that it was to recruit my third pokémon. His quiet demeanor was too obvious for his own good. Standing at the back of the classroom, his eyes showed an odd mixture of boredom and terror. His reaction to me told me he didn't want to be here, so I took him away even though he already had a trainer.

Meeting Atis was important not only because he was already evolved and powerful, but also because he set some ground rules for my journey. Falkner told me that I should set up appointments with gym leaders in order to not disturb them like I had with him. And during the actual battle, I remained on the sidelines and let him do whatever it is that he did during combat. My guise told the others that I just wanted to learn more about his strategy, but I knew otherwise. I stayed silent, unsure of what attacks to call out, and because I was afraid of calling out the wrong move, just as I had done during my personal training. We won—he won—and so it all began.

Several things happened before our next gym battle. I met a boy who thought I was a terrible trainer. Marty came along at the right moment, just in time to save Senori from the falling rocks in the cave between Violet City and Azalea Town. If it weren't for him... Well, I don't like to think about it. I don't like to think about the violent words he threw at me, either, but they have stayed with me because they were true. My explanation was that I was too busy with the racing thoughts in my head that I hadn't even noticed any imminent danger, but how could I tell that to Marty without sounding crazy? How could I tell him that I was actually a good trainer because I knew how to communicate with my pokémon and he didn't? I didn't know how to act around him at all. His reaction toward me justified my initial fear of interacting with others.

The fear eventually dissipated. My moods quickly escalated once we hit Azalea Town after a few restless nights of sleep at the cave. I wanted to meet everyone and do everything at once because I couldn't focus on a single thing. My speech was fast and I suddenly had an endless amount of energy. There was nothing in the world that could stop me. That was why I asked to visit Sasha in her home even though she suggested that she didn't want me to come. I wanted her to be my friend because she accepted me despite being reluctant. Her being Marty's sister was an unfortunate coincidence, but I wouldn't know it until later.

In the midst of my mania (which was supposedly the term for these high moods I got), I recklessly started spending money on random things. I bought everything in sight, everything except medicine, because none of my medicine in the past ever did anything good for me. I even bought my pokémon t-shirts, which wasn't so random, because it made me feel closer to them. I didn't care about any consequences at the time because I was invincible... even at the hands of Team Rocket!

It wasn't long, however, before this high energy changed into bouts of anger. I yelled at Atis and threw things at him simply because he suggested that we stay in Azalea Town longer than I originally wanted. I was angry because I wanted to stay, too, but I couldn't. He knew nothing of my situation, and for that I despised him in that moment and acted in the only way I knew how.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about Atis and how I had so blatantly hurt him. In spite of everything, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be closer to my pokémon. The only good thing about my outburst was that it made him hate me more, but that was only desirable to people who were far away. I had to do something, anything to distract myself. I went into the Azalea Town well and caught as many magikarp as I could. I intentionally caught pokémon that weren't meant to be on my team so they could be my friends, but I quickly dispelled this notion and released them later on to people who could take care of them better that I ever could. When I was manic, my desires and feelings changed just as quickly as they came.

I got back on track as quickly as I could. I fought Bugsy and that battle turned into a lesson I didn't want. I couldn't learn that weak pokémon were just as useful as strong pokémon because there could be no weak pokémon on my team. It just wasn't an option. I felt proud at this outburst, at least, because I was finally following the rules.

Aside from wanting to stay in places longer than I did, Kuiora offered me the first example of my disobedience toward Team Rocket. She wanted to be stronger. The team wanted her to be stronger. I wanted her to be stronger for herself, but not for them. I knew everything. I knew that she was begging for my attention, even though I told Marty otherwise. I didn't give her what she needed until I had no choice but to do so. My lashing out against her... I had no choice. I had already learned that sometimes violence was really the answer and as expected, things got better from there. Her obvious gratitude was the only thing that kept me sane.

When Marty saw the violent exchange and then challenged me to a battle, I wasn't really surprised. I knew that he would try to work against me somehow. He wanted to prove that he was the better trainer and make my pokémon leave me. I agreed to the battle, thinking that I wasn't going to let them leave regardless of whether or not they wanted to. I would convince them to stay just like I convinced them to come with me at all. I was surprised, however, when I didn't have to do anything of the sort. They chose to stay. I was secretly glad, but this meant that none of my defenses were working. Somewhere along the line, I had let my guard down and had let them in.

Suddenly, another miracle happened: Rennio showed up. At that point, he was nameless to me, since I hadn't learned the name of the final man in the cell. He seemed so young, so eager to grow, but something was stopping him. He gave off the anxious impression that he was scared to stay in Ilex Forest for too long, like the other man who wouldn't accept imprisonment. He wanted to go somewhere, anywhere better. I offered to take him with me, so that things would be better for him—for a time, anyway.

Ezrem showed up, too, but I didn't need him. I didn't want to seem cruel, but he was just so persistent. There just wasn't any room on the team. He didn't belong. Since no one else was in the cells during my time there, I believed my team was complete, even though my mother told me the most pokémon I could have was six at a time. I simply said no, and expected my answer to be final. Still, I let him follow us for Rennio's sake. If I wasn't going to be the source of the comfort he needed, then someone else would have to take that role.

Despite these two positive events happening in a row, I suddenly fell into a depression, as I so often did after being manic. I believed the trigger was Marty telling me that Sasha would never want to be my friend or travel with me because I wasn't a suitable companion. To have this confirmed to me by another person dispirited me to the point where I was miserable all the time and had no energy to travel any further. As a result, we ended up staying in Goldenrod City longer than intended. I ended up saying yes to Atis when he wanted to show me around the city instead of insisting that we should battle the gym leader and move on. Notably, there was a pocketknife I picked up at the large department store. When I saw it, I immediately thought of my mother and her love of weapons of any kind, be it a pokémon weapon or a handheld weapon. Turning it over in my hand, I decided that it would be perfect for her, and it was also then that I realized I would probably have to face her again someday, after everything was over.

Keeping the pocketknife, however, was a terrible reminder of the rules that she had given me. Never become close to your pokémon, she said... to ensure that I wouldn't betray the team. But Atis was clearly telling me he wanted to get to know me better. He wanted to spend more time with me. When I let him write whatever secret he wanted on my back, I felt that it was etched into me like a tattoo or whatever those markings are called. I knew that I would have to fight the urge to look at what it was, but I let him do it anyway. It would disappear in the shower eventually and ruin any chances of me finding out, at least, but for the time being, I settled on rubbing myself there when I couldn't sleep to remind myself that Atis was real.

Time went on and revealed more events that I didn't want to have to experience. The scene at the radio tower had told me that Team Rocket was lurking around for whatever reason. Automatically I assumed that they were after me. They had caught on to all of my misdeeds and were ready to take me back to my prison. I had to do something quick to make up for it. My choice: I had to make Rennio fight, despite his fear of battles. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have made him do it, but it was up to people who were much more powerful. When we lost to Whitney, my intention wasn't to leave my pokémon behind for days at a time. I only wanted to leave and find a safe hiding spot for us to go to as quickly as possible. Before I could find any suitable location, however, I had already been confronted by a Team Rocket grunt who was instructed to come to me and bring me back to Mahogany Town for "rehabilitation."

When I found out what this "rehabilitation" was, it seemed unnecessary for me to go all the way back to Mahogany Town, but others apparently differed in opinion. The rehabilitation involved me being in my cell once more while being asked to take my medication. This time I was forced by Dr. Richards to do so. He called me out on not taking it, saying it was fairly obvious when someone stopped. I had no choice but to give in to him. He would check my mouth after every swallow to make sure that the pills were actually gone, and then he would leave me alone with my thoughts.

Soon enough I was starting to feel manic again. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't think about my pokémon's whereabouts and conditions anymore without my mind wandering off somewhere else. I asked him why this happened because the goal of medication, I thought, was to keep me stable, not to make me go up and down. He explained to me slowly that Giovanni had paid him money to give me antidepressants instead of mood stabilizers in order to keep my moods "high" and energized for proper travel. Supposedly I was more active and successful during these times in my journey.

"So they've been watching me the entire time," I said bluntly.

"Yes... and they'll continue to do so. I'm sorry."

When I left about two weeks later (after they said I was "fully functional" once more), it occurred to me that I hadn't seen my mother at all, but I wasn't going to stick around and prove to her that I had temporarily failed. I fled back to Goldenrod City, hoping my pokémon were still there and that they were being well taken care of in my absence.

When I returned, I was overjoyed to find that my pokémon had waited for me. If they hadn't waited for me... Well, I didn't know what I would have done. Started over? Tracked them down? At least I didn't have to think about it for too long, since my pokémon noticed my arrival almost immediately and of course wanted to know where I was. With me being secretive as always, I tried to pretend it never happened. It worked, to a certain extent. I could tell there was a different feeling in the air now, one of tension and mistrust. There was nothing I could do about that, and perhaps it was for the best, anyway. Now I could do things better than before.

But I quickly ran into a problem: Sasha. I had another choice to make when she confronted me about taking my pokémon to the fan club. Either I could say no and insist on going to the gym in order to not waste time or I could go with my own instincts, my own desires of wanting to be her friend. Despite everything, I went with the latter. I just didn't have the heart to say no, and it was only for a few hours, anyway...

Seeing Senori evolve into a furret at the Goldenrod City rematch was worth it. It was a proud moment for both of us. He looked as if he were finally letting go of his past somehow, as his new movements were much lighter, much less tense. And to see my very first pokémon come so far in such a short amount of time made all of the exhaustion and pain I had gone through thus far seem like nothing compared to the joy I felt when I was with them. When Senori came to me that night with my antidepressant bottle in hand, asking me to stay with them, I felt like a true trainer for the very first time.

I thought that things were looking up then, and I didn't just think it was the medication having an effect on my brain. But then the incident with Rennio and Ezrem happened. Once again, I had a choice... and I chose to backtrack and save Ezrem from the burns that he suffered. There was no way that I could leave him behind now, not with Rennio trying so hard to battle for me. When I actually called him by his real name in the waiting room and when I saw him cry, I had to try not to cry too, for similar yet different reasons.

Things got worse. That day, Atis told me that he wanted to leave the team. I understood and didn't question him at all. After the Ezrem ordeal was settled, I tried to celebrate one last day to make Atis happy, and also to try to get him to stay. I couldn't come up with anything that would convince him. I couldn't even convince myself of wanting to stay. Only the evil thought of turning him in swayed in my mind. In a way, it was perfect timing. I hadn't meant to deceive him... but I couldn't let him go. If I had let him go, I was risking more suffering on my part. It was selfish, I admit. When I watched him faint in front of me, the disbelief in his eyes ripped into me. I felt sick myself. I could only hope that my promise to miss him every day had rung true in his mind.

It felt unnatural, but I cried all night. My pokémon tried to comfort me despite their own sadness, but there was no way I could tell them what I had done. They would all leave me and know me for the terrible person that I was. I couldn't afford any more mistakes now. Anything else would have let Atis's sacrifice be in vain... but when had I ever been known to stick to the rules? When had I ever not followed my own intuition? Never. I just didn't have it in me. My adventure without Atis didn't last long at all. When no one wanted to fight for me versus Morty, it reminded me of Atis and his introverted self. When Senori couldn't attack the ghosts, it reminded me of Atis's knowledge of the world that surpassed my own. My team was falling apart because it wasn't just me that could hold the team together. We all held the team together in our own way, and the absence of one of us was showing.

I panicked. I wailed. I screamed random obscenities because I was so very tired of keeping quiet about all of my lies, all of my secrets. I didn't know how much I was revealing, but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was getting to Atis as soon as possible, before he became an experiment of Team Rocket's, like I had been. He was a special pokémon, just as I was a special child... but his situation could be handled much more effectively. Something else could be done—or so I hoped.

Thanks to the map that my mother had given me, I knew exactly how to get back to Mahogany Town. Coincidentally, there was a cave to the right of Ecruteak City that led me directly there. I didn't stop to rest until I got there, even when my limbs felt like they were about to break down from fighting so many wild zubats and geodudes. I didn't sleep or even hesitate a moment before running back into the laboratory that offered so many unfavorable memories to me.

Inside, I violently grabbed the first person that I came into contact with by the scruff of his collar and yelled, "Where's my mother? Where is Atis?"

"I-I don't know any Atis…" he stammered, dropping the papers that were in his hand.

"Where's my mother, then? Where's Melanie Luart?"

"Sai…? W-What are you—"

"Where is she?!" I said more fiercely, gripping more tightly onto his uniform to make a point. He was making small talk, and it was unacceptable to me.

"Last I heard, she was going to train and—"

I let him go, not needing to hear anything else. There were only two training locations in the entire place, and whichever one she was in, I knew that she—and Atis—weren't too far from me anymore. I scrambled up the stairs in the corner, causing two more scientists to make a mess with the materials in their hand. I didn't even stop to apologize, for I felt I had no reason to and I was in a rush. My head felt like it was going to explode at any moment if I didn't see that Atis was somewhere in this building, safe. Not locked up or bruised or bleeding.

It seemed that, for once, there was one good thing about living in this place for so long. Despite being locked up for years, everyone recognized me. Everyone knew who I was and no one questioned my presence. There were no alarmed shouts about an intruder, so I could go wherever I wanted. They all chose to ignore the wild fire of tears that was undoubtedly falling down my face.

I ran up the next set of stairs, to the second floor, to the first set of training grounds. My gaze shifted from one person to another, from one pokémon to another, but neither my mother nor Atis were there. They all stopped to stare at me, even the pokémon who were in the middle of attacks. I panted for a moment before sprinting once more. I crossed the middle of the arena to save time, despite the fact that I might have been hit. It reminded me of the time when I was a child and would purposely do this, but I had grown up now. Couldn't anyone see that? Couldn't anyone see that I was as normal as I would ever be?

I went up and up and up, to the roof. That was the only other place they could be now that I knew the second floor wasn't where I needed to be. Please be there, I thought. Please be there. I didn't want to have to hurt anyone else just trying to find them. But at last, I did find them. Thankfully, I found only the two of them. No other pokémon—no other signs of harm—were present. The only bad sign was that my mother was standing next to Atis. She was too close, too close.

She looked at me in disbelief. "Sai?" she said. "What are you doing here?"

"You know exactly what I'm here for," I said, motioning toward the fighting-type. Atis was also staring me down, but I couldn't tell if he was glad or disappointed. It was times like these where I wished that he was easier to read.

"Hmm…" my mother said. "This pokémon is no longer yours. The moment we took him away, he was the property of Team Rocket."

"But I'm… I'm part of Team Rocket, too!" I said, the words leaving a foul taste in my mouth. It was the first time admitting this in my entire life, and I could only wonder if I would regret it after all was said and done.

"You're not part of this group. You're… an experiment yourself—"

"Don't remind me," I said, gritting my teeth. "I'm a toy, I know. Don't I have a say in anything, too? What about the others? Where are they right now?"

"The others? Well, we followed them for a short amount of time…" she said, shifting her gaze away from me and lowering her voice.

"What are you saying?"

"They're dead, Sai. They're all dead. Killed by pokémon, suicide, murdered… You name it, and it probably happened."

My eyes widened. To know that I was the only survivor was hard to believe. Wasn't the will to live supposed to push anyone through any adversary? Wasn't misfortunate eventually supposed to give way to good fortune? It made no sense to me. I put my hands over my ears, wishing I had heard nothing.

"But they were sick like me… They were special…" I said, taking a few steps back.

"Whatever they were means nothing. All they are now is dead," my mother said, shaking her head. "I told you that you would be able to overcome anything, Sai. By the looks of it, you didn't even run into anything truly dangerous. Besides yourself, that is…"

I looked up and saw that she was walking toward me, still moving her head disapprovingly. I peered over at Atis and saw that he was shuddering. Lost and confused. What had I learned from Atis? How could I prove to him that his journey with me wasn't for nothing? I tried to persuade him with pleading eyes. His mouth opened for a moment as if he were going to speak, but then his face scrunched up and his eyes closed.

"Sai!" he suddenly shouted, darting forward. But my mother seemed to anticipate his actions and caught him by the arm before he could even get close to reaching me.

I bit my lip. "I just want Atis back. I'll do anything you ask."

"You say that, but you haven't done much of what I asked of you before you left."

"I… I mean it this time. Do whatever you want to me, but let Atis go."

"I can't do that, Sai. Pokémon are more than beneficial to us. You know this." She paused. "It looks like you have friends that are here to see you."

"Mother, please—"

I cut myself off. Confused, I turned around to see Senori and the rest of the group close behind him. I gaped at them, wanting to shout at how crazy they were, how they should be far, far away from here and why did they come here anyway? How did they know where I was?

My mother went on, talking about how I had such loyal pokémon now… She said I was still lonely… Was I lonely? Yes, I felt lonely in the sense that no one knew what I was up against in my life… but of course I didn't want to give her the pleasure of knowing that. I yelled, this time being random, I just want Atis back, you told me things would get better and they never did, they never did, I won't follow your rules because you lied to me. You lied to me!

But she knew where to get me most.

"…And then you will never see the light of day again..."

I wanted life. I wanted freedom. When she brought up the idea of me dying, I remembered the others and how they were gone now, and I fumbled with my pants until I found the pocketknife that I had bought at the Goldenrod City department store. I held it out threateningly toward her. It was the only weapon I had left, if words weren't going to work and if my pokémon were going to leave me after what they were seeing.

"Are you going to hurt me, Sai? Just as I've supposedly hurt you?" she asked.

Admittedly, I wasn't sure what my intentions were. I just wanted to seem like a scary person, just as everyone else seemed to me. I almost didn't believe it when she put her hands up in surrender and let Atis flee over to the rest of us. Atis ran right past me, as expected, and started mumbling things to Senori that my mind couldn't properly process. I could only focus on my mother's words, which hurt me more than any damage the knife could ever do.

"I'm done listening to you," I said, and it was the most confident thing I had said during the whole conversation.

"…Then you will pay for it."

I watched as my mother reached behind her and pulled out a few pokéballs off of her belt and extended them toward me. "A pokémon battle," she said. "If you win, I will see to it that you are allowed to leave this town and leave this project. If you lose… you must subject yourself to us once more, or choose death. It's up to you."

I stayed silent for a moment, unmoving, thinking through the proposal. How could I beat her, a trainer of many years? I had little experience in battling. I had done little actual training with my pokémon. Having three badges couldn't be enough—and I didn't even have the badges to prove my strength. They were lost. It felt like I myself had already lost. And would my pokémon fight for me, anyway?

Slowly, I put my arm down, and I put the knife back into my pocket.

"Unlike some people… I am not a torturer. I am not a killer." I sighed. "I agree to your challenge, but only under fair one-on-one conditions. I also won't be forcing any of my pokémon to actually fight. If they choose to leave me alone in this battle, then so be it."

I turned to face my team. They looked up me with such innocent, questioning eyes. I smiled as best as I could and kneeled down so I could look at them directly.

"I'm sorry I left again," I started. "I had to find Atis, but I didn't want to put you guys in any danger. I hope you understand, but if you don't… it's okay. If you don't want to fight for me right now, that's okay too." I extended my hand out toward Atis gently. He flinched slightly at my touch, but he let me pet him on the side of his head for a few moments. It was all I needed. I had intended to tell them everything after the incident was over, no matter what happened, but the touch felt so final, so conclusive, that I explained everything in that moment: that I was mentally sick and I had been imprisoned for it. My goal as a Team Rocket experiment was to train pokémon for usage in battles and other projects better than any normal person ever could. I told them everything and I was out of breath by the time I was done. I shook my head and repeated that they didn't have to fight for me.

I didn't wait to see their reactions. I didn't think I could handle it. I simply stood up and turned to face my mother, saying I was ready, and that whoever wanted to fight could step forward.

"If you're ready, then let's begin," my mother said, tossing a pokéball into the air. Out popped a small lizard pokémon whose tail lit brightly with fire. The orange creature let out a fierce growl, saying it was ready to go. It was my mother's first pokémon, a charmander from the Kanto region, and it didn't seem to recognize me. To go from playing with this pokémon as a child to fighting in a life or death battle seemed beyond surreal to me.

I held my breath and waited for the inevitable, my mind reeling with words of false persuasion and comfort. I knew in my heart that not a single pokémon was going to step forward. They had no good reason to defend me anymore, and I wouldn't blame them for leaving. But Rennio—Rennio, out of all of them—stood in front of me and faced the fire-type pokémon in front of him.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Rennio?" I asked quietly.

He turned his head to me and nodded. Though he was frowning, I could tell his reaction was sincere.

"All right," I said. "I won't be commanding this battle… as usual. Everything is up to you."

Again, he nodded. And then it began.

I would like to say that everything that happened next was by my own design. I would like to say that I watched Rennio battle and cheered him on like any normal trainer would. But I was manic from before, and now I was also depressed from everything that had happened. When you're manic and depressed at the same time you can only keep yourself occupied on a single thought or situation for a few seconds before you succumb to something worse. The battle, then, was sporadic for me, and I only thanked myself enough to have found the strength, courage, and the time to be able to explain everything to my pokémon before the end of it all.

Come on, self. Keep me on my toes. Keep me in the know. But I couldn't do it. Rennio shocked the charmander and the charmander retaliated with a tackle and then my thoughts turned to death. It was all over for me. I didn't raise my pokémon well enough. I was a failure of a trainer, just as Marty had deemed me to be. He should have taken everyone away while he still had the chance.

Team Rocket should have executed me when they had the chance, all those years ago. I should have been a different experiment, one with cords and machinery and a bunch of paperwork filled with invaluable information. The white cords would have been happy cords and the black cords would have been sad cords and they would have hooked up to me simultaneously, sending me back and forth between the two extreme emotions that constantly pervaded my life. Because that's what life was to me. It's all a game, it's all a game. It's all a joke, a fraud…

Rennio was swinging the charmander around by the tail, an otherwise amusing sight. The charmander smashed into the wall. At this point, Kuiora asked to switch in, since her water attacks were much more effective. There's another one on my team. Two out of five. Why are my pokémon here, anyway? Is that Ezrem cheering Kuiora on? Three out of five. My god, they're raising hell. They're raising hell to give to me what they already gave to me once—a chance at independence and happiness. They can't do it again. It's too late for me.

It's okay. If I don't make it, someone else will. A normal person, maybe? It has to be a normal person. Everyone else is dead. All they had ever been was dead. But I believe one of my kind will prevail someway, somewhere. We're special, after all. Kuiora, when did you get so strong? I didn't train you at all like I should have. You did all this for me? Stop raising hell already. It's too late for me.

I couldn't sit still anymore. I started making my way around the edges of the battleground, watching them as intently as I could, which doesn't say much. Kuiora took down the charmander, as expected. She'll be happy to know that my mother is a fire-type pokémon trainer. My mother sent out her ninetales next. I remember it being a young vulpix. Why hadn't Charmander evolved? Is my mother threatening me again? If you mistreat a ninetales, she's saying, you can be cursed. Do I want my pokémon to be cursed? I'll take the curse for them. But you're already cursed enough as it is, the ninetales said…

Unbelievable. I was cursed with depression and mania. Depression is needing all day tomorrow to recover from today and mania is needing all day today to prepare for the invincible tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. It doesn't end. Because of my medication I hardly have had any periods of normalcy. I don't know what it means to be stable, but my pokémon do. That's why Atis just ran into the middle of the battle to make Kuiora save the rest of her strength for what was to come. Four out of five. That leaves Senori. Senori? What do you think of me? …What do I think of myself?

Well, how can your mind get this messed up? How can you be so clueless, so lost? How can you be so lonely that you don't even like yourself for company?

How could you not?

I tried to give my love to the world. The world didn't seem to want it. The only constant I have ever had in my life is my mood swings and air. Air has kept me alive and breathing and together with my pokémon. It has been with me in the cells, in my dreams, in my lungs.

It would be the perfect way to go. …And I was in the perfect position to go.

The ninetales was defeated. Was I winning or was I losing? I wasn't even part of the battle anymore. Maybe I never was to begin with. I really can't get over this pokémon training thing. I wanted it for so long and I never even grew accustomed to it. I liked the feeling of learning and having my pokémon teach me instead. I liked not being expected to know everything. Tell me, Senori, that I'll never get used to this—this so-called form of living. The unknowing and uncertainty will come to me and I will always be ever so inviting.

Senori was the last one. He was the only one I had any hope of getting help from, and he was last. He was last! This told me something, but I couldn't figure out what. My mother has six pokémon, and I only have four usable pokémon. We are overwhelmed, no matter what my furret does. It's too late for me.

I backtracked to the edge of the building. This way I could see not only my pokémon but also my mother and my opponent. I felt like I was watching a show that I had no part of. I was completely dissociated from myself. My only thought: I was already gone. No matter how much I wanted to live, the idea of death and death itself were overtaking me. Even if I won the battle, I would never get better. I would forever be sick. If I lost… Well, then I was even more gone. Either way, I was dead. Who is dead? I'm dead.

It's such a shame that I'm drowning in my goddamn shame.

…I always wanted to see myself become a better person. I wanted to see Senori stop having to worry about me all the time. I wanted to see Kuiora evolve into her final form and fulfill her dreams. I wanted to hear Atis smile so much that I forgot his normal scared voice. I wanted to continue watching Rennio learn to fight again and I wanted to feed him… whatever that meant. I wanted to see Ezrem through his old trainer's eyes.

It never once occurred to me that any of these things could still have happened.

I might have begged for help, once upon a time… but I didn't.

I jumped.


	25. phoenix

chapter 25 ; [EZREM]

phoenix

It's odd, the things you remember when you're watching someone die. I mostly remembered this: it only takes a second. It only takes a second for everything to go wrong; it only takes a second for everything to change. Such is what I learned when I manipulated Obieme into starting that fire and when I decided to follow Sai. And when he jumped… Sai, before this, you didn't tell anyone that you were hurting so much. Or maybe you did and it went over our heads. Is that how it usually goes? Is that how death is supposed to appear to everyone—completely unnoticed and unexpected until the endless moments of reflection that scream otherwise?

When he jumped, the world stopped. The battle ceased instantly. It felt like there was cotton in my ears and everyone's shouts emitted no real sound. The walking traffic from the ground below had been dulled and unwillingly shoved into our pathetic world. We were all experiencing the same thing. If anyone's experience was different, it was Sai's. Sai, is the white light at the end as bright as it's supposed to be?

You're going to tell me all about it, goddamn it.

It only takes a second, and I didn't even have to think about it at all.

I sprinted forward and jumped after him. I did this because there was something about losing my own dreams that made me even more stubborn when it came to others. Annie would just have to understand my second betrayal, which wasn't really a betrayal at all to me, but an act of desperation and the desire to see someone—my own savior—live. It was my only choice, just as the nurse had said…

I let myself evolve. At first I was flapping wildly from being unable to fly and soon I had a larger body with larger wings and larger talons and no pain, no pain! Easily and undoubtedly, I could focus now. I positioned myself so that I could dart straight down and catch up to Sai. The wind tried hard to push me back and keep me from flying, but I wasn't going to take it. As I got closer, I could see that his body faced upward and looked to be at rest already. His eyes were closed and his small movements were graceful, as if this is exactly what he wanted. That was just too bad. This was what he was going to get for not giving me what I wanted at the beginning.

I don't know exactly when I caught him or how far away from the ground we were. All I know is that he felt heavy in my brand new talons, though my evolved form was clearly stronger. I was carrying not only his body but all of the burdens that he had suffered in his life and had tried to release with one swift jump. I thought his unbelievable weight was going to make us crash despite my efforts, and I struggled to bring him back up to the top of the building. It didn't take me long to realize that it was just me not being accustomed to my new form, and that I had only acted so fluently in the heat of the moment.

After setting him on top of the building—purposely away from the woman who had started this whole thing—I had to struggle not to collapse on top of him. My new form was exhausted already. As everyone ran over to us, I looked at my wings. There were no signs of scars or burning anymore. I was completely fine. And Sai, so innocent and lost, was clearly not fine. Surely, something more had to be done. Saving him from death itself was not enough. If we left him alone now, he would suffer more and maybe try jumping somewhere again.

"Sai!" Senori yelled, trying to shake our trainer awake. Somewhere along the line, he had fainted in midair. "Wake up! Sai, why did you do this?"

"Isn't it obvious why he did this?" I scoffed at the furret. "You're a leader, right? What should we do next?"

"I-I… We should take Sai to a pokémon center!"

I fluffed my feathers, trying to prepare myself to take off again as I said, "Everyone get on my back. Yes, we're going to take Sai to a pokémon center."

"A pokémon center? That's for pokémon—" Atis said frantically, but he didn't seem to have any better ideas.

"It's the only place we know. I'm trying, okay? We're all trying," I said, shaking my head. "I'm just as worried about him as you are. Let's just do our best."

Everyone was silent. Rennio and Kuiora were sobbing and holding each other because even though I had rescued our trainer, it wasn't over yet. It wouldn't be over until Sai sincerely smiled again.

"Are you going to take him away from me?" a voice said. I turned swiftly and saw the woman—Sai's mother, apparently, though I found it hard to believe—walking to us, her head down and her body appearing utterly beaten by the event that had just taken place. When she was close enough, I could see that she was holding back tears.

I sneered. "Of course we are. You haven't been much help, to say the least."

"I always knew you'd take him away from me," she said. She looked at me and smiled weakly. "I knew it from day one. But out of everything I've seen regarding this project, I could never have expected this from my own son."

Her words made me sympathize with her, but I wasn't about to admit so. There was nothing else for me to say. There was nothing that anyone could say that could change anything or make things better.

"There's a human hospital right next to the pokémon center in this town. You should take him there instead," she said after a few moments.

We all looked at each other, quietly deciding that we had to trust her words. As previously instructed, the team climbed on my back, one by one. Everyone except Atis, that is. After all this, he was still being shy and reluctant. I couldn't blame him.

"It's up to you, Atis," I said. "Are you on this team or are you not?"

Atis looked to the ground, then nodded fiercely. With the help of the others, he was also on my back in a matter of moments. Aside from Kuiora, everyone was light and small, so I felt that I could do this. No, I had to do this anyway, even if I had trouble. I lifted myself off of the building's roof and gently took Sai into my talons once more, noticing how light he was this time.

Together, the six of us flew to the pokémon center.

*

This was our second time sitting in a waiting room in a matter of days. At this rate, every Nurse Joy in the Johto region would know our names by the end of our journey. That was assuming that Sai would want to continue our journey after this, however. I was no psychiatrist, but I had a feeling that Sai would need to work on himself before even thinking of going back to the gym challenge.

When we had arrived, Senori had surprisingly composed himself enough to be able to explain to the nurse at the counter what had happened to our trainer. She took the boy in her arms and rushed him into the back room. When she returned, she said that there was a special unit in the hospital meant for these kinds of patients. He would have to stay for a week or more, until he was no longer deemed a threat to himself or others. Still, she said, visitors could be allowed at certain times.

So we waited for what seemed like hours. I had to go outside a few times to stretch my wings, and I almost missed being a tiny rufflet that could fit into any building without a problem. It was much easier to follow along and keep up with everything that was happening that way. The evolution had been worth it, though. Had I let Sai fall knowing I could have done something, I don't think I could have lived with myself.

It was just turning dark outside when Nurse Joy said that Sai was awake, which meant that not too much time could have passed, considering that a majority of the day had been spent making our way to Mahogany Town. She led us into a room in the back, explaining that eventually Sai would have to be moved into a psych ward, but that we could visit him here for now.

"Pokémon are allowed to be with their trainers at all times, but if Sai has any friends that want to see him, they'll have stricter visiting hours from here on out," she said, making me wonder what had happened to Marty and Sasha. Surely they didn't know about the situation and they couldn't have just left us without figuring out how it ended…

I stopped thinking of them rather quickly when I saw Sai. He looked as normal as he possibly could, as there were no machines by his bed or any cords hooked up to him. He was lying down, looking straight up at the ceiling, eyes open and barely alert. I didn't have to be near him to know how exhausted he was.

"I'll leave you guys alone. If you need me, there are nurses all around the hall," Nurse Joy said quietly, and then she was gone.

At first, things were awkward. No one wanted to go near him because none of us knew what to say. What do you say after you just watched the person in front of you jump off of a building to end his own life? The aftermath seemed like nothing but a delusion that a ghost-type pokémon was forcing upon us.

After a few moments of nothing, I offered to step up first. I told them that I felt obligated to talk to him first, since I was the one who saved him. So I flew over to his bed and nudged him on the cheek with my beak when he didn't look in my direction. Slowly, he turned his head toward me, but his dark blue eyes were as hollow as ever. He looked back up at the ceiling.

"I'm alive," he said simply.

"Yeah. That's my fault. I'm not sorry," I said bluntly. "If you have any pent up anger that you want to kill me with, I'd totally understand. Actually, I wouldn't understand, but I'd let you do it anyway."

Sai smiled at my words. He actually smiled. It seemed difficult for him, but he was then able to prop himself up so that he was sitting up. Staring at me, he said nothing.

"I'm not even part of this team and I saved you! I disobeyed my old trainer's orders for you. That takes a lot. But you don't have to be grateful," I said, being dramatic by folding my wings to make a point.

At this, Sai frowned. "Ezrem," he said sternly, "you've… you've always been part of this team. I didn't know it yet, but you joined the team the same time that Rennio did."

"Oh, come on," I said, shaking my head. "You don't get to be all sappy on me now. You're supposed to tell me you despise me for saving your life and that the light at the end of the tunnel let you see your whole life over or something."

The mood had been lightened enough for everyone else to join me at Sai's bedside. I expected another breakdown from him at the sight of Atis, but he only reached out his hand and scratched the side of the hitmontop's head. Atis accepted the touch without a problem, an odd feat for him.

"I'm not angry at you. You have to understand… I never wanted to die," Sai said, looking at us seriously one by one. "I wanted to stop the craziness in my head. I wanted to stop my sickness. It seems… It seems that it's something I just have to deal with."

"Well, you seem calmer now, and that's all that matters, right?" Senori said, jumping on the bed and snuggling into Sai's lap. Sai used his other hand to scratch the furret behind the ears.

"Yeah… They gave me medication that they say will help," he said. He added quietly, "Real medication."

"I don't know what you—" Senori started.

He was interrupted by a loud banging sound. The door had been shoved open and had crashed against the wall. In stormed Marty, who gave off a fierce glare in Sai's direction. There was a nurse behind him who was begging him to calm down and stay quiet for the other patients.

"I'll be quiet once I give this boy a piece of my mind," Marty said through gritted teeth.

"Wait," Sai said. "Stay there."

"Sai, what are you talking about?! This guy's going to beat you to a pulp!" Atis cried, pulling back from the boy's touch to hide in the corner.

"Not if I can help it," Kuiora said, taking a defensive stance in between the two trainers.

Ignoring the two of them, Sai swung his legs around the edge of his bed. He pushed himself off and struggled to keep his balance and stand up. He made his way over to Marty and looked the other boy in the eyes, his fists clenched.

"Whatever you have to say to me, we should at least be face-to-face when you say it," Sai said confidently.

Marty snickered. "Good grief. Where do I start? First of all, what were you thinking, leaving your pokémon in Ecruteak City all by themselves? What the hell were you doing in a laboratory full of idiots who obviously didn't know a thing about pokémon?"

"I didn't want to get them into trouble—"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you've got an answer for that. But next! What are the prerequisites for committing suicide? That you be fucking insane? Me and Sasha just saw something fly down past us in the window while we were fighting, and it obviously wasn't a bird… Well, then we saw a bird, but still…"

"That was Ezrem. Wait… You were in the lab?"

"You ignored my first question," Marty said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm as insane as you think I am," Sai said confidently. Ever since he had admitted to us all of his secrets in one breath, it had obviously been easier for him to speak about himself, especially about his past and personality.

"It's just like you. You want to kill yourself, so you make it as inconvenient as possible for everyone else. What would have happened to your pokémon? Why'd you make them watch?"

This, however, made Sai look down. "You would have taken my pokémon, right? That's what I was hoping…"

"Hmph. Of course I would have. You act confident, but I can tell you're still avoiding some of my questions for a reason."

"I'm sorry," Sai replied. "It's been a long day, as you probably already guessed."

Marty's eyes shifted to the empty air beside him, indicating that he had heard something nearby. "Anyway, kid… I'm just glad you're all right," he said, and then he stepped aside.

I would like to say that a much calmer person walked into the room this time, but it would only be half true. Sasha, her face red and her hands covering her mouth, came into the room quietly, but immediately burst into tears the moment she saw Sai. She ran up to him and embraced him, almost causing the boy to fall over from the surprise.

"Sasha…?" Sai said, looking at her with concern.

"I'm sorry… I waited to come in so I could stop crying… but I can't help it!" she sobbed miserably. "I can't believe you did that to us…" she added, burying her face into his shirt.

"Hmm…" Sai mumbled, putting his arms around her and squeezing her while resting his chin on top of her head. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't think you'd be affected."

"Of course I would! I-I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone, but especially not a friend, dummy…"

I thought Sai was going to push her away as he lifted his head up and extended his arms so that they were just a foot away from each other, but it appeared he only wanted to put enough distance in between the two of them so he could take a good look at her. He gazed intently, as if trying to see if her words had been sincere. Finally, he acquiesced and smiled.

"I'm your friend, huh?" he said. "It's... really nice to hear that. I don't know how I can ever repay you because I don't know what friends do."

He continued to lean forward until his forehead was touching hers. To see Sai act so closely with another human partly made me want to roll my eyes, but another part of me was happy with embracing others like him rather than pushing them away after what he had just gone through. At first glance, it seemed like Sasha had just walked into our lives, used and seen out of sheer convenience. But if I thought about it, she had been there from the very beginning of my journey with Sai, and possibly even before then. Sai must have thought that she-and Marty-had been his companions this entire time despite their obvious reluctance toward him. And perhaps that was why he felt the need to express his gratitude in the only way he knew how: by tilting his head upward and kissing her on the forehead, right in front of her suddenly flustered brother and in front of all his watchful pokémon. He murmured something I didn't hear and then looked at her again for a reaction. She blushed and stammered out intelligible words.

"I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but don't you ever make a move on her again!" Marty fumed, clenching his fists but not taking a step toward them.

"My mother used to do that whenever I was sad," Sai said, frowning.

"I-It's fine, Marty," Sasha said, swaying her hand around. "You're welcome, Sai, for... whatever I did."

"You did everything." He turned to gesture toward the rest of us. "You all did everything. Because of you guys, I have quite a few things left to do. If you don't mind, Marty... Sasha... I'd like to be alone when she comes."

"When she comes...?"

"One of the executives of the building you guys found me in," Sai said. He took a deep breath before explaining everything that he had told us on the roof-about his sickness, his imprisonment, the rules he was forced to follow should he not want to be killed. While he was telling it, his voice was much quieter and less rushed. He wasn't in a life or death situation anymore; he was free, and his voice portrayed this newfound freedom. By the time he was done, Sasha had broken out in tears once again, and Marty had calmed himself down considerably.

"So that's why I'm weird. And that's why I'm a terrible trainer. I wish I could have told you guys and my pokémon much, much sooner, but... I just couldn't," he said, stepping away from Sasha. He hung his head low as he sat down on the bed, visibly exhausted.

"It's okay," Sasha said.. She went over to Sai on the bed and ruffled his hair with her hands and chuckled through her tears. "That's my version of your kiss, okay?"

"Okay," Sai said, smiling.

"Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me," Marty joked, waving his hand to gesture to Sasha that he was leaving. Indicating that he had gotten what he had come for and that there was nothing else for him to hear, he held the door open and said, "You're all right, kid."

And with one last good-bye, they were gone. Sai fell asleep almost instantly after they left, and us pokémon watched over him as if he were going to disappear again at any moment.

*

She showed up just one day later, at the very same time that Marty and Sasha had come the previous day. This showed me that she had called for information about visiting hours and had obeyed them, coming in at the earliest moment she could. Well, she could have come the day before, but she was probably still recovering. A mother's loss of a son is quite different from a detached friend loss, so I could forgive her, despite her rather crude first impression.

As Sai had hinted, he knew that she was going to come sooner or later. Whether he knew she'd come so soon, I didn't know. All I knew was that I was going to go crazy after listening to all of his rehearsing for their meeting. This clearly was not a woman that Sai was confident around. Even while practicing he stumbled over his words and everything came out wrong. He paced around the room and attempted to make small talk with us once in a while, trying not to appear frustrated. It wasn't working.

When she knocked on the door, Sai supposedly knew it was her because he tensed up and cleared his throat before telling her that she could come in. She opened the door slowly, saying she hoped she wasn't interrupting anything. She wasn't interrupting anything at the moment, but I thought that maybe the sanity in the room might have dissipated by the time she left.

Her reaction to seeing Sai was the exact opposite of Sasha and Marty's. She didn't cry or appear angry or even seem sad. The tension in the air betrayed her body's lack of emotion, however. It seemed that either Sai's stellar intuition was rubbing off on me or she was just terrible at hiding how she was sad over the fact that own son had tried to commit suicide right in front of her.

"Hello, Sai," she said, putting off the idea of looking at her son for a few more moments while she faced the door as she closed it.

"Hello, Mother," Sai said, shifting around in his spot uncomfortably. He resorted to laying back down in his bed, probably to prevent any wild actions in the future.

"Did you think I'd come visit you?"

"Yes... I thought you might."

"To be honest, I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me. I debated over whether or not to come. But I told myself I just had to see you... one last time," she said. She certainly wasn't wasting any time getting to the point. I sat in the corner of the room, pretending to fluff my feathers while the rest of the team listened to conversation intently and, in Atis's case, nervously. Sai's mother was choosing not to notice us, perhaps knowing that Sai wouldn't want to get rid of us for even a moment. This, he had already proven by chasing Atis down to Mahogany Town.

"One last time?"

"I know you, Sai. I know your plans. You won't be able to keep quiet about us anymore, will you? After all this time, you're ready to speak," she said confidently.

Sai stared at her, dumbfounded, and I could only guess that he was surprised over how she had seemed to read his mind.

"What you guys do... It's horrible. You torture pokémon and turn them into your slaves. You're not afraid to do similar things to humans. You're only out to do evil. I can't... I can't let that go. Not after being out in the real world for even a short amount of time."

After a few moments, his mother said, "Do you think I'm evil, Sai?"

"I think that at some point in your life, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time... and you made the wrong choice. Because you've mostly been good to me, I think... I don't really know anymore..."

"Say no more, Sai," she said, putting her hand up. "I just want you to know that I only made you stay in the laboratory because I was too afraid to lose you, just like I had lost your father. I had no intentions of hurting you."

"I already know that. But you... you did hurt me. In more ways than one."

"I... I won't pretend to understand," she replied, looking away from him again. So she did have a weak point. This woman was making it hard to tell if she was an ally or an enemy. If I had to, though, I was ready to pounce on her and throw her off a building to see how she liked it instead.

"If there's more to life out there, I want it," Sai said, changing the subject. "I mean, I'm still here despite all logic and likelihood, right? I'm the only survivor of this survival project. So I should enjoy the rest of my life while I can-"

"I always knew you'd make it," she interrupted, putting her hand to her forehead and shaking her head. "I really do marvel at how everything connects. With the way you acted as a child and an early teenager, I could tell exactly how your journey was going to go."

"You knew I'd... jump off the building?"

"That was the only part I wasn't expecting. Unlike you... I am not sick. You got that from your father. Like I said, I don't understand it. It seems those sorts of things cause you to do things that are irrational and completely unexpected."

"Yes... That sounds about right," Sai said quietly, as if he were recalling painful memories from the past. It made me wonder just what else he had really gone through before he met me.

"Now, my only question for you is this: what will you do next?"

"I wish I could tell you, honestly, but I don't even know."

This was where the team reacted and decided to butt into the conversation. Senori, Atis and I all spoke at once, saying something along the lines of how the woman couldn't know where we would go next. If she knew, then she would follow us and make our lives miserable, and he didn't deserve that, he needed something better now-

"It's okay, guys," Sai said, patting Atis on the head like he had been doing so lately, to prove to himself that yes, Atis was still here, and he was healthy, safe. "She won't follow us... even if she can."

At this, his mother's eyes widened while we settled down, not completely comprehending his words. We were thinking that this meant he was going to report her along with the rest of the Team Rocket organization, but as it turned out, it was actually the other way around.

"What do you mean, Sai?"

"I'll give you two days. Pack your things, get out of here. Get as far away as you can," Sai said. Surprisingly, he wasn't stumbling, and unless I just wasn't listening enough, he hadn't rehearsed this part of the conversation at all. Then again, the conversation wasn't going like he had imagined it. "I'm reporting the team to the police, of course. I'm giving away as much information as I know. You can tell as many people as you want, but I'll make sure they're accounted for in the report... just so you know."

Kuiora suddenly yelled, "You can't let this girl go, Sai! She made you go crazy!"

"You said it yourself, Sai. She hurt you and you're just going to let her go?" Senori added, jumping onto the bed and onto Sai's shoulders to make sure he was hearing the team.

"She's still my mother, guys," he said, not taking his eyes off of her. "I can't do the same thing to her. I don't have the heart to do it..."

His mother bowed and said, "I thank you, Sai, but you don't have to do this. I deserve whatever is coming to me."

"Your choice. But I won't be reporting you regardless."

"You've got to be kidding me," I said, shielding my eyes with my wing for dramatic effect.

"It's really happening, Ezrem," Rennio said. "Was Annie ever really as crazy as this?"

"I bet she wasn't," Sai said, smirking. I had to admit that Sai not only had a good sense of humor, but also he was doing a decent job at paying attention to all of us in the room at the same time when the most important person was obviously his mother at the moment. He seemed to remember this as he turned to her once more and said, "Do you have anything else to say to me?"

"Nothing that would make things better or change the past. What about you?"

"I want to ask you the same question. What are you going to do if you choose not to turn yourself in?"

"All I can think of is going back to your father, but who knows if that is a good choice or not? It's been so long. But what I do doesn't matter. What you do, on the other hand, does matter. Tell people your story. Continue your life and expand your story. Whatever the final product is... Well, that will be my story, too. You're my son and I think it should be this way."

"Whatever you want," Sai said simply. "I'll... I'll remember everything you taught me. I'll try to, anyway. And... I'm going to treat my pokémon right, wherever we go. And-"

"You don't have to tell me. As your pokémon said, I don't deserve it."

"But I still think-"

"I think you're still too sweet, as always. Remember that I lied to you and kept you trapped for many years." There was a moment of silence. "I suppose I should just be glad to have witnessed the second day of your birth. The first fifteen years of your life don't count anymore. I wish you the best of luck as you keep dancing in your fields of infinite possibilities... Sai," she said.

I could tell that she didn't want to leave as she opened the door just as slowly as she had before. As she was walking out, she stopped to look back at Sai one more time. Her son nodded, permitting her to leave without feeling any guilt. As the door clicked shut, he buried his face and his hands and I thought he was going to start sobbing.

"Is it bad to be more upset about how I don't know what to do next? Shouldn't I be upset that that was the last time I will probably ever see my mother again?"

Senori nuzzled into Sai's neck in an attempt to comfort him. "You're fine, Sai. I think you left things on a good note, even if none of us particularly... agree with your actions."

"Thanks, Senori. I do think I did the right thing."

"And that's all that matters," Atis said, speaking for Senori.

"I think he's crazy," Kuiora said, jumping up and down to get her trainer's attention.

"Tell him something he doesn't know," Rennio said.

"I just have one question for you, dear Sai," I said, interrupting the rest of the team. "I ask you this because, you know, near death experiences are my forte. Well, maybe you didn't know that. But now you do. So, have you ever felt sorry for the ground because you thought you were putting too much weight on it?"

"Too much weight... as in all my problems?" Sai said, tilting his head in confusion.

"You've got it," I said, impressed with him not taking me too literally, as he had been prone to do in the past.

"I never really thought about it specifically like that, but yeah... I guess so."

"After that little conversation, I think the ground will be a lot happier from now on with two less people standing so heavily on it," I said, recalling how heavy he had been in my talons just the day before and recalling how I had thought this same thing myself when I was the type of bird who walked on the ground instead of flying.

"Yeah, I guess so..." Sai said, "and it's all thanks to you, Ezrem."

*

Even though I had saved Sai from his suicide mission and even though I felt I had come to terms with Annie's death, there was still one final problem weighing on my mind. It was the last kind of problem that made me feel sorry for the ground beneath me. So when the nurse asked us all to leave for a few moments, I told myself that now was the time. There was no exception anymore; there was no reason to put it off. No reason to keep the suffering going.

"Rennio," I said simply, trying to get his attention. How else could I start to admit that I'd been lying to him for years? The elekid didn't even have the decency to answer me. He seemed lost in thought, contemplating something, probably the fact that Sai had just let his imprisoner run free. Well, I supposed I could start off in a light manner. I unfolded my wings and wrapped them around him, covering his eyes so he couldn't see. Not only was I getting enjoyment out of messing with him, but I was also in amazement that nothing was wrong with my wing anymore. I watched as my joke made him flail around for a bit and I only backed off when I saw sparks of electricity generating from the plugs at the top of his head, as I didn't want to get injured yet again.

"What was that for?" Rennio asked, obviously worked up now. The sparks were still there, and they'd probably remain there until he unleashed the energy somewhere else.

"You should pay attention to me when I address you. I was just making a point," I said, taking a few steps back, wondering if I was already trying to retreat.

"Well, what do you want?"

"Someone's in a sour mood. Come here for a minute, okay?" I said. I had noticed that the others were looking at us weirdly now, so I posed the question to make myself sound as innocent as possible. I made the short flight to the other side of the room and watched as Rennio walked over slowly, wishing that I didn't have to do this.

When Rennio reached me, he looked at me expectantly. It seemed that all of a sudden, I had lost my ability to be manipulative, to make jokes, to beat around the bush.

"Look, Rennio," I began, "I'm just going to get right to the point." I paused, deciding to start with the lesser of the two evils. And then, finally- "You're not the only elekid in the world... as I told you before."

It was just like Rennio to suddenly appear overjoyed. The amount of sparks increased. "Really? You found another one? ...When did you have time to do that?"

"Don't misunderstand me. I always knew you weren't the only elekid in the world. The entire idea is pretty absurd, to be honest."

"W-What...?" Rennio said, his face falling. "You mean... You lied to me?"

"I did," I said bluntly. That was the best way to get to Rennio, otherwise he would think I was pulling another prank on him. But from the defeated look in his eyes, he seemed to believe me right away.

"Where are the other elekid? Why haven't we seen them?"

"There are some in Unova... where we got you. We got you from a daycare, far away from their home, so you never saw them. And, well, there really are none in Sinnoh. Supposedly, there are even more in Johto, but I don't know where... which brings me to my next point..."

"There's more?"

I nodded.

"...More lies, I mean."

I nodded again.

"Ezrem, do you know how scared out of my mind I've been this entire time? I've been so nervous that I was going to die before I could keep the line going. I thought... I thought I was alone this entire time..."

And then came the tears. I sighed, trying not to roll my eyes. As tough as Rennio tried to be at times, he was always just a baby at the end of it all. Maybe it was me being too harsh on him. After all, this was shocking news, and the worst was yet to come.

"You haven't been alone, Rennio. You've had me, right? And you had Annie... for a while. Until I messed everything up, that is," I added quietly.

"You didn't do anything, did you? Annie just died in the fire... It was an accident..." Rennio said in between sobs.

"Well, yes, it was an accident. But haven't you ever wondered how the fire even started? No one else was found in the forest, so it had to come... from us."

"O-Obieme? Why would he do such a thing?"

"Yes... Obieme started the fire. But it was me who made him start it." I took a deep breath. "It was me who caused Annie to die, Rennio. I'm so sorry."

The elekid stared at me in disbelief. "I thought... I thought Annie's cigarette just dropped after not being put out properly... Ezrem, why would you do such a thing?"

"I had heard stories of a legendary pokemon that comes out in the face of danger in Ilex Forest... so I made my own danger. I wanted the legendary pokemon-the time traveling pokemon-to take me home, back to Unova, back to before we started our journey. I know that doesn't make up for anything, but there it is. And don't blame Obieme, he had no idea at all..."

Rennio covered his eyes, an effective coping mechanism since his arms were so thick. More than anything, I wished that I could read his thoughts. I wished I could convince him that there was no real malicious intent in anything I had done. I only wanted-

I only wanted...

What did I want? His trust? To force him to grow up sooner? His undying loyalty? It was a mixture of all these things and more. And I couldn't explain any of them to him; I was wordless and just as confused as him. But I owed it to him to try to speak.

"You don't know what you do to me, Rennio," I said. I had thought this before. I had thought this about him, about Sai. It seemed to be the best way to start out, but it wasn't going to do if I wanted to get my point across. "You really don't. If I didn't lie to you, you wouldn't have given me the time of day. If you had known about Annie's death earlier, you would have left me. If I hadn't done what I had done... Well, then you would have stopped asking for my help, my friendship."

Rennio kept his face covered, his crying becoming noticeably louder. The other pokemon could even hear him, and as they tried to approach, I had to motion for them to stay away. This was personal. There was nothing they could do. They had Sai to worry about, anyway.

"I didn't... give you the time of day because everyone warned me about you... I should have listened... Annie... Why did you keep him on the team? Annie..."

"Annie was too kind," was all I could say. I vaguely wondered if I had chosen a bad time to tell him all of this, but there was no turning back now. I had used my gut instinct, which had usually served me well in the past, since if I thought about things too much, nothing went right. Nothing.

While it was too much to hope for, I had been imagining Rennio running to me and embracing me as if to say he forgave me by now. He did no such thing. He stood there, completely frozen, immobile, sobbing and reliving the experience of Annie's death all over again. Perhaps he was picturing his own death, too, now that he was just another one of the many electric types in the world.

I shifted around uncomfortably. Was there really nothing else for us to say? Surely it couldn't end like this. Surely it couldn't end with him hating me after all we had been through.

"Rennio?" I said. "Is there anything I can do to make this up to you? I'll do anything you ask."

"No," Rennio said instantly. "Y-You can't bring Annie back. You've already tried to break my fear of death, but it hasn't worked..."

"Okay, so I can't do anything..." I said, disheartened. "Look, Rennio, I was desperate... but now you can look at me and laugh, right? I had a burned wing and had to evolve to save Sai. So I'm no longer a part of Annie's precious, unevolved team. And I'm a shiny Rufflet! Those are so rare, I could really be the only one in the world. See how the tables have turned? See?"

"Yes... I see," Rennio said, removing his arms, letting them fall limp at his side. He looked down and I could see that he was visibly shaking. The sparks that were above his head now surrounded his face, ignited by the tears.

"What... What are you going to do now?" I dared to ask.

"What can I do? I'm not going to leave Sai, not now... I'll just hope to see another elekid sometime. That will be my new goal... I guess," he said slowly, his voice void of all energy and happiness. "What will you do? Can I trust you if you say you'll never lie to me again?"

"If I said yes, would you believe me?"

"No, I suppose not. Well... thank you for telling me. It's a shame, though. I thought I knew you. I really did," Rennio said.

I thought he was coming toward me when he started moving, but he only had to walk past me to leave the building. As he brushed past me, I could feel an electric shock even though we weren't touching. Rennio was powerful, both in battle and in his mind. Whatever damage I had done, it would be fixed eventually. I just had to be patient... starting now.

I stood there, unable to face the rest of the team or even myself. Now that all of my lies were exposed, I felt naked and confused. Sincerely, though, I knew that everything was as it should be now. Sai had accepted me and changed me. Rennio hated me. Kuiora cared for me, though she was still wary and perhaps always would be. The rest of the team dealt with my presence in their own individual ways. It was all fair, whether I liked it or not. I had no choice but to remember that that day, in the mountains where Annie found me, a lot of things went wrong and unbelievably awry.

When Rennio came back not too much later, the sparks were gone. I felt bad for anyone or anything that had gotten in his way outside. I thought I heard thunder outside as I watched him go back to the team. Was it Annie speaking to us, or had Rennio started a storm to say sorry to her for believing in such a fool? I remembered... Patience, patience. Someday, he'll come back around to you, Ezrem.

It's too bad I've never had any patience. If only the time traveling pokemon could have at least granted me that. But that pokemon was given many chances to help me redeem myself, and it always chose not to do a thing. It didn't bring me home. It didn't save my old trainer in the face of danger. Its story didn't help me convince Rennio that what I had done was right.

...What was I supposed to do now? 


	26. memory

chapter 26 ; [ATIS]

memory

I had been teetering on the edge of Sai's wild story. I was where the lies stopped and truth began to unravel itself page by page, thread by thread. Of course, I didn't know this right away. I didn't know anything because I was too busy being poisoned by a faraway butterfree's poisonpowder and knocked out of commission only to be taken away by someone I had never met before.

The experience was, to say the least, frightening. Back at the school, no foes presented themselves, and I hadn't been through anything dangerous like the rest of the team had. I only had to deal with being the closest pokémon to Sai despite my personality. I always kept myself in the back, hard to reach and impossible to break through should anything have wanted to attack me. I was always safe. To suddenly be thrust into the face of an enemy—an invisible enemy, no less—was unexpected. I had no way to counteract and I couldn't even depend on my trainer to help me. All I could do was succumb to the feeling of despair and faint after seeing Sai one last time.

After that, I had woken up a few times. My body and ability to think recovered a little bit each time I regained consciousness, as if my capturers had given me a serum that was to slowly get rid of the poison in my body. They must have done this, or I surely would have died after our long journey. The journey felt long, anyway. It was hard to tell time when you had no idea where you were or what was supposed to be happening.

Whoever Sai had given me away to wasted no time in getting down to business when we arrived at our destination. I was able to overhear two people talking, a man and a woman, and they were discussing how Sai had finally sent a pokémon to them. Yes, the strongest on his team, he said. He was finally fulfilling his duty… Here, in Mahogany Town, was where my next life would begin, she said as they shoved me into a cold area that I soon realized was a prison cell.

I shuddered; a persistent shivering shook through my back. Trying to regain my composure, my hands flattened on the cement, and I instantly thought of my future life below. My future life, I had assumed, was going to kill me in some violent way. I was going to die before I had even accomplished anything at all. I wondered what my own headstone would say and how soon it would say it. For a moment, I regretted wanting to leave Sai, even though it meant I was reveling in his lies.

As soon as I was able to comprehend my surroundings, I was able to see that there were other pokémon around. But none of them were paying attention to me at all. They were all eerily quiet and they weren't even sleeping. The room was almost pitch black, so I couldn't see them, but I had a nagging feeling that told me they knew I was here. They just didn't care. I could ask them for help, but it wouldn't get me anywhere. Communicating with others hadn't gotten me anywhere good so far, anyway… so I stayed silent.

After what seemed like forever, a ray of light poured into the room. Someone had opened the door to the basement and was coming to see us. This was the only thing that made the pokémon react. They started whining and pushing each other to get to the front of the cage. I was easily overcome and shoved to the back, since I wasn't anticipating anything decent to come of the situation. When the person who had come down to us—a lady—grabbed me from the cell and left the others behind, I could see why they hadn't interacted with me from the beginning. I was part of the outside world, a threat to their everyday lives. I wondered just how long they had been here, and why they were here at all.

Since I wasn't accustomed to the light of the building, I was blinded as I was led upward to who knows where. I couldn't see anything around me at all, but I could hear people shouting orders or mumbling loudly to themselves about plans and results. I couldn't make sense of anything, but it was enough to scare me.

My vision finally focused when we stopped moving. Much to my horror, this appeared to be a one-on-one confrontation, a particular aspect about my life that I wasn't able to handle well. To make things worse, we were also at the very top of the building, making escape very difficult. The lady in front of me seemed to be letting me roam wherever I wanted to, so I backed away and tried to appear intimidating, but it didn't seem to work as she chuckled slightly.

"Have no fear, Hitmontop. I will call you that from now on… for we have no need for nicknames in a place where everyone is equal," she said.

She smiled.

Her smile immediately threw me off. I looked over her once and couldn't help but cower at the mixed emotions that followed. From my simple observations of her smile, her eyes, her body language, I could determine that she was related to Sai somehow. Her hair was a similar color, for one. And she had green eyes, but they had the same spark that his had, the same spark that I could never quite identify. Now I knew: it was the dangerous look of knowing things that no one else did. From her one single action, I could determine the nature and depth of my relationship with her, and it could have gone anywhere. Sai wasn't so bad himself, but then again, he had just betrayed me. Her words seemed to bring some peace, but then I remembered that I was just in a prison cell. There was no way that everyone was equal in a place where some pokémon were free and others were not. There was something I just wasn't understanding…

"I know you're confused, but you don't need answers. We're here to gather an initial assessment of your strength…" she said, pulling out a pokéball from her belt.

But then she immediately put it back, and Sai showed up. Sai was frantic, Sai was angry. A great understatement, really. The lady grabbed on to me and I could tell this wasn't going anywhere good, and then the rest of the team showed up. I begged Senori for help. Senori always knew what to do, he always had the answers, he had to have them this time. I felt like I was dreaming as Sai took over and told us a quick rundown of his story and then asked us to battle. Yes, I fought for him—because I felt obligated to. Even if he was a bad person, he couldn't have been any worse than the woman we were fighting. There was something about her that made us all remember our own personal hells and then think that things could get much, much worse if we were with her for too long a time.

I was still never expecting him to jump…

_You can say that you won't miss me, but I'll think about you every day._

…The nightmares surrounding my situation hadn't dissipated in the last week. They always started out vivid and then became increasingly unclear once Sai ran into the picture. Was I trying to block out memories of my trainer because they were scary or because I didn't want to reinforce my negative views of him? But I knew everything now. I knew that Sai had no choice but to give me up. I knew that Sai was sick and that he truly wanted to get better. His journey was never about pokémon at all. It was only about survival, and for this, I could forgive him in time. Of course, I had made this decision rather quickly, as I had to choose to jump on Ezrem's back or stay with the lady who was worse than Sai. I hoped I wouldn't regret it.

So far, I wasn't. I was almost exactly where I wanted to be, considering I had once considered to volunteer for a hospital that would help humans. I wished, of course, that Sai was better and that he was encouraging me to go rather than being the actual patient, but… it would have to do for now. Sai needed my help, and I was willing to give him what he wanted since I had only hindered him up to this point. My intentions had been good, and I didn't want to change now. It was hard to change, anyway, when I saw Sai peer over at me every few minutes, as if trying to remind himself that I was still here, and to tell me that he didn't want me to leave again. I forced myself to give an eager smile every time he looked at me to support him.

What else could I do? The nurse had told Sai he would be here until he was no longer deemed a threat to himself or others. Sai was also asked to attend a group therapy session once a day and he was required to write in a journal about how he was feeling at any given time. Those directions seemed simple enough, but Sai was having trouble following them. He skipped the first day, saying it could do nothing for him since he was taught medication was the only cure. And when he tried to write in the journal for the first time, he kept breaking the lead pencil given to him, and so he eventually grew frustrated and gave up. It reminded me of the ferocity he had used when trying to convey his secret to me on paper.

What else could I do…? I wrote to him first, mostly to keep the pokémon from listening, but also because I wanted him to start following the nurse's rules. I found a marker at the receptionist's desk at the front of the psychiatric ward and used it instead, figuring Sai couldn't possibly break this. At worst, his words would bleed through the pages.

_What are you doing?_ I started. It was vague but it gave him room to answer whatever he wanted. After deciding my handwriting was easy enough to read, I gave him the journal. He was only sitting on the edge of the bed, listening to Ezrem and Kuiora bicker with each other as usual, so it seemed like a decent time. He looked at me oddly, but he took the journal nonetheless and wrote back to me.

_I'm sitting here._

…Simple, but true. I tried a different approach.

_How are you feeling?_

_Like I want to get out of here._

_What are you going to do once you're out of here?_

No response—Sai only shook his head and gave the journal back to me.

_Well, you should do what the nurse says and you can get better. We're all rooting for you, you know. _

_I'm afraid you'll leave when we get out of here after what I did._

I gritted my teeth. It was as I feared; Sai was worried about me and he was taking it out on himself. He could be so selfish sometimes… or was it selfless after remembering the dangers that he had put me through before? I couldn't tell.

_I won't_, I wrote confidently.

…_So what do you want me to do?_

_Write how you're feeling, and go to those therapy sessions. …I'll even go with you if you want._

_You will? Is that even allowed?_

_Uh… Yes? _To be honest, I wasn't sure, but I had to convince him somehow._ I'm even having some problems myself, so I should go, _I finished, shuddering as I recalled the nightmares about the preceding events.

_Okay._ I saw him pause as he wrote. _I'll go._

As Sai promised, he gave his mother two days to evacuate Mahogany Town with whatever belongings she wanted and with whoever she wanted before he turned Team Rocket in. And over these two days, as I (kind of) promised, I went to those therapy sessions with him. Surprisingly, I was allowed to, though I would have to stay quiet because not everyone understood pokémon. Well, that was fine by me. I was a better listener than anything, anyway.

When I first went in, I had no idea what to expect. My imagination had set up some kind of wild fantasy where a bunch of people came together and fought each other until they were spent and exhausted. Until their problems seemed to disappear into thin air. That was the idea Sai had given me, anyway, with his mental illness. He was prone to violence and arguments, and so I assumed all people like him were like that.

But it was nothing of the sort. The most violent action that occurred involved the six other people in the room—including the advisor—staring at us for being slightly late to the meeting. Everyone was calm and reserved as they seemed to try to curl up into their seats, as if to pretend they didn't exist. Instantly I understood that these people had problems they were ashamed of, and it made me wonder if Sai would have told us he was sick a long time ago if he had the chance. According to these peoples' postures, he would have kept it himself despite his freedom.

First, Sai was asked to introduce himself and then his guest: me. I felt awkward by the sudden attention—even though I had been anticipating it—but found myself able to relax when the others were clearly more focused on Sai rather than me. They gave him eye contact and smiled at him, exchanged hellos. It made sense. Sai was of their own kind; I was only there to absorb the information about my trainer and subsequently use it to understand him and help him better.

Since we were a bit late, we had missed the introductions by the other members, but they went around again and said all of their names and reasons for being present just for Sai. I could tell by the way his body unwounded that he was welcoming the positive special attention, something he supposedly wasn't accustomed to. It made me realize suddenly why he felt closest to me—I gave him special attention that I gave no one else… and to help him, I would have to keep doing it. I was already surpassing step one by being by his side.

The next step that had to take place was the promise of confidentiality among members. It was vital, the advisor said, for everyone to understand that what was said in the room stayed in the room. This was to keep every member of the group comfortable when speaking and also to prevent trouble for spreading among the outside world. Members could talk about their own experiences in group therapy, but anyone else's information was to be left out of conversation.

Breaching confidentiality was not my intention, so the overall expansion of the session has been left out here. This was the gist of it, though: everyone here had a hard life. They had all lost relatives and friends that were close to them in disasters that lay out of their hands. They had all lost their sense of self. They all were a puzzle that wanted to be put back together, but couldn't figure out how to do it, even with the outside pieces intact.

And even though Sai wouldn't mind, I have chosen to leave his segment out, too. I respect him as much as I would anyone else. It goes without saying, however, that his problems hit the most to home. This wasn't because they reminded me of myself. It was because being with him really was my home, and it made me realize how little I knew of my home. I had no idea what went on inside his head. His moments that seemed crazy to me were completely normal to him. How did he live with such a scattered mind and no sense of control? Even if I asked, I doubt he would know, either. At the very least, I enjoyed seeing him work on himself.

The only piece of information I'll completely reveal is his hardest confession, mostly because it ended up being on national television anyway. Before, Sai had beat around the bush by explaining his feelings and giving vague explanations of his past home surroundings, but he had never said he was part of Team Rocket. He never said that his mother put him through unethical experiments that left him imprisoned for the majority of his life.

It started with an awkward silence that only a human voice could fill. Another boy in the group had just finished telling a story and receiving feedback and advice about the situation, and now it was time for someone else to talk.

"Does anyone else have anything they'd like to share?" said the advisor, an older female who held a clipboard in her hand. She spent her time moderating the discussion and keeping notes of every individual and every conversation.

Sai was usually the one to remain silent until someone spoke to him first and prodded for answers. This time, though, he spoke up immediately. He even stood up to make him point.

"I have a confession to make," Sai said, his fists clenched in determination, "and I expect it to leave this room. If it doesn't, I'll be pretty disappointed."

This caused everyone to look at him, confused. Even the advisor stopped writing for a moment to raise an eyebrow at him suspiciously.

"Yes, Sai? Remember that anything you say in here is confidential to the rest of us," she said.

"Well, I was going to tell the police, but it seems that I'm not allowed to see them from inside this place. So I'm just going to say it here… and hope it reaches the right ears."

"We're all listening," she said slowly. The rest of the group nodded.

Sai took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sure we've all heard of Team Rocket. They're infamous for stealing strong pokémon, selling weak pokémon, and using pokémon for questionable experiments. But no one's known where to locate them. No one seems to know where they're hiding out yet. Well, I'm here to say that I know where they are." He paused. I pulled at his pant leg, urging him to continue. "I know where they are because I was a part of them. Not in the way you're probably thinking," he hastily added, "but because they're the ones who… imprisoned me. For being sick. I was an experiment of theirs."

Silence.

"You guys might have actually… supported the idea behind the experiment, had they not gone about it all wrong. Can the mentally ill surpass the normal people in terms of raising pokémon? Can the mentally ill be good for anything besides destroying things and causing problems? It was my goal to help them figure this out. Well, I both passed and failed. I passed because I survived when no one else did. I failed because I left the experiment. That's how I ended up here. I was tired of it and I left."

Silence.

"You know the laboratory on the northern edge of town? That's where they are. They've been close to you guys all this time and you didn't even know it. They were doing research on everyone like us and you didn't even know it. I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to say anything sooner. I was scared for my life. I wanted… I wanted the freedom the rest of you had. But in the end, we all landed in the same place. It's funny how that works sometimes."

Silence.

Sai sat back down and leaned back in his seat. I saw the corners of his mouth turning upward but also saw tears threatening to leave his eyes. The rest of the group was stunned and merely looked to the advisor for guidance, as they so often did. No one said anything because there was nothing to say. No words could change the frightening past that Sai had had and nothing could change the fact that evil had been taking place not too far from their homes for years on end. There are times when the world proves itself to be a better liar than the rest of us combined. This was one of those times. You won, world. You won for a while, anyway… but now you lose.

"Well, it seems we'll have to end this session early. The rest of you should go to your rooms," she finally said. "Sai, you and Atis should come with me."

And so we did.

"Sai, why are there so many uniformed people in your room?" asked a very curious Kuiora as she scrutinized every part about the men in the room. It was easy for her to recognize the weapons in their belts, but she was still young so she didn't know they were here to help, not cause problems. It was easy for her to understand that they were here for serious business, but she didn't seem to see that they weren't here to play these games with her. She tried to defend Sai the best she could anyway. If they glared at her and gave her an unfavorable look, she did the same. If they advanced toward him without giving any warning about doing so, then she growled and started preparing a water gun attack. Ezrem had to take her out of the room eventually to keep her calm.

Rennio and Senori weren't as wary. They knew the police, probably due to past experience or due to hearing about them before, so they stayed out of the way and let them question Sai. And of course, I was completely supportive of the idea. While none of us were particularly thrilled that not all of the culprits would be caught, we had to be satisfied with Sai's decision. It's not like we could have said anything even if we wanted to.

"We are questioning here since we have orders that say you are not to leave this place," the policeman in charge said.

Sai nodded. I remembered him saying that he didn't know other people could visit him, but now he knew otherwise. This was a special exception that the nurses were allowing. They also had told Sai that they had a special announcement for him once the questioning was over. He insisted on knowing at that moment, but they kept to themselves and told him to be patient, smiling all the while.

"Now, how long did you say this had been going on?" the policeman asked, peering at Sai sternly.

"At least ten years. That's how long I was there, anyway. They've probably been there much longer," Sai answered. He was fiddling with his hands, which told me he wasn't confident with his answers. His knowledge was limited despite having been there for ten years. I knew from experience now that that was what happened when you were imprisoned and kept in the dark.

"And why didn't you say anything once you were released?"

Sai gulped, then said, "Because they threatened me. If I told anyone, I was going to pay for it."

The policeman coughed. Did that mean he believed Sai? Surely his current condition could tell the truth behind his story. These things just don't happen out of the blue. For once, it was obvious that we, Sai's pokémon, weren't enough to comfort him when it came to believing his story was real.

"You say you saw them do experiments on pokémon and humans there?"

"Yes… They keep pokémon locked up, and only use them to train endlessly or hook them up to machines that do harm."

"I see. We know Team Rocket is dangerous, but we just want to hear your side of the story." He turned away from Sai and motioned to the others inside the room. "Some of my men are already heading there to look over the place. They have a warrant to get inside if they don't comply. We're also here to offer you protection if that is what you want. That's why so many of us are here."

"Protection…?"

"Yes. From what you've told us, you've been through a lot. These people are a huge threat to you, and they may continue to threaten you through outside sources. This is also possible if any of them escape in time. If you would like, we can keep watch over you and make sure these people don't find you."

"You mean that you'll keep me in one place and tell me I'll be safe within your care."

"That's the idea of it, yes."

Sai shook his head and immediately said, "No. That sounds exactly like what they did to me. Even if your intentions are true, well… If I need anyone to protect me, I can count on my pokémon."

"That is entirely up to you. Just know that the option is open to you."

"Aren't I stuck here for a while, anyway?" Sai said, rolling his eyes. I wondered whether or not he truly hated this place. He had shown me what was inside of his journal and he was progressively getting happier and more stable. And as if his healing affected mine, my nightmares had slowly been drifting away, too, so I could reflect on that incident with a clearer head.

"About that… Well, the nurse says you're free to leave tonight if you want. She told us that you have been making significant progress in the last week and a half, and they are ready to let you go. Of course, you can choose to stay if you'd like, but it would cost you more money than you already owe. This is another reason we offered you the protection idea—just in case you had nowhere to go afterward."

Sai's face instantly lit up. "Really? I'm free to go?"

"Yes."

He softened up a moment, later, however, as he seemed to realize something. "Well, I really do have nowhere to go… but like I said, I have my pokémon. I'll figure something out."

"Then it's settled. You will leave tonight. We wish you the best of luck, and we thank you for cooperating with us and doing what was right," the policeman said. He took a step forward and extended his arm out to Sai. The boy didn't seem to understand the gesture at first, but figured it out pretty quickly and shook the man's hand.

When the policemen left, Sai didn't hesitate to show his excitement once more. "You hear that, Atis?" he cried. "We're getting out of here, and it's all thanks to you!"

On cue, Ezrem and Kuiora returned into the room (with the croconaw sticking out her tongue to the others on their way out), but they only stared blankly at our trainer, along with Senori and Rennio. What were they so confused about? And then it hit me.

"Oh… It's not all thanks to me! E-Everyone helped in their own way, you know…" I stammered out.

"Not really," Senori butted in. "We stayed back because we figured you two needed, uh, some time together. To get things straight, you know?"

"Aren't we so considerate?" sneered Ezrem. He flapped his wings and took off into the air, seeming as if he was going to fly into Sai. He flew over the boy's head, though, and landed on the other side of the bed, where the policemen had previously been standing.

"Did you really have to do that?" Rennio scolded. It wasn't like him to talk back to the bird, and I wondered what exactly had happened between the two of them. It wasn't any of my business, but we couldn't afford another break in the team…

"Yes, I did," Ezrem said simply, in an even ruder tone than usual.

"Do we need to get someone to put a 'do not resuscitate or save' tattoo on that egotistical head of yours, just in case you get hurt again?" Rennio retaliated, folding his arms.

"I see you're being critical of me. That's good, because I'm obviously flawed. That's why I need my daily dose of attention, since Atis has been hogging it all for the last week."

"I… What? I didn't… I mean—"

"It's going to be the next big thing on the news next to the big Team Rocket scandal. Prizewinning pokémon scientist named Atis finds the cure for brokenhearted boys."

I blanched, unable to find the ability to even stutter.

"Ezrem," Kuiora said. "Be good." That was all it took for the braviary to close his beak; he fluffed his feathers inside, hiding his face in embarrassment, probably from Rennio more than anyone else. The bird had no shame in most situations, I had come to notice.

"Speaking of news…" said Senori, who had just been listening intently all the time. "Doesn't this mean… we'll be on the news? Since Sai was the one who reported them?"

The room went quiet. None of us had considered this notion until now. We all looked at our trainer, but as usual, he didn't have an answer.

It was a good thing Senori had pointed it out before, or we never would have been prepared to leave the hospital at all. Well, I still wasn't prepared, but that was besides the point. In fact, I was even more nervous and less ecstatic than I had been before. I didn't want the attention that was inevitably coming. If Sai wanted to move on with his life, though, I supposed this was step one…

Once Sai gathered his belongings into his backpack, he checked out of the hospital and was told he would eventually have to pay for his stay. Once he checked out of the hospital, we walked outside and ran into a giant crowd that apparently knew he was going to leave soon. Once we realized that there was a giant crowd in front of us, we noticed that they all had cameras and microphones—all aimed at Sai's face and mouth. In response, Sai raised his hands, as if he were surrendering to their endless questions.

"Uh…" he started, unsure of what to do next.

"Sai Luart, would you please tell us about your life being imprisoned by Team Rocket?" one reporter yelled over the rest.

"Is it true that Team Rocket harmed pokémon and humans while doing their research?" another one asked.

I could feel myself blushing intensely, and I wasn't even the one given the attention. Still, the anxiety I felt in public also attributed to others who were being humiliated. If Sai was being embarrassed by the attention, then so was I. It wasn't logical, but nothing about my anxiety was ever really logical. I tried not to think about it too much.

Still, the overwhelming amount of people here was too much for me. I yelled for Sai to move along, to forget these people because they only wanted to earn money off of his story, but the loud crowd drowned out my voice. I changed my strategy and pushed him from behind, forcing the others to make a path for him unless they wanted to be trampled. The others seemed to catch on to what I was doing and tried to help out. Kuiora growled at everyone while Ezrem pecked at the cameras and broke some of the lens. Senori hopped on Sai's shoulder and covered part of his face with his tail to avoid people from seeing him on television. Rennio forced people to back away in response to the threatening electricity surrounding his body. With all of this, we were able to create a sizable amount of distance between us and the news reporters. And when it was safe, we all let down our guards and gave Sai some room to breathe.

"Well, it looks like the police caught and arrested Team Rocket, at least… Do you think I'll be wanted on television forever?"

"Just until the next big story…" I said, rubbing the back of my head nervously.

"Remember, Atis, you are a prizewinning scientist pokémon—" Ezrem started.

"No thanks…"

"So what are we going to do now?" Rennio asked, still not amused by Ezrem's antics.

"I don't know yet," Sai said, shaking his head. He looked behind him to make sure no one was following him. Indeed, no one was, so he continued, "I thought about going back to Ecruteak City, but how can I show my face to Morty after what happened?"

"What happened?" I said without thinking. It didn't occur to me that I might have had anything to do with the situation.

"You don't want to know," Senori assured me. I didn't ask again.

"Anyway," Sai went on, "I don't have concrete plans. I want to keep traveling. I want to keep learning things. I want to be a better trainer… and friend… If we see something we really want to do along the way, then we'll know. And we can go from there. How does that sound?"

"You sound like you've thought this out real well," Ezrem said sarcastically.

Sai reached out his right arm and clamped his hand around the bird's beak, not allowing him to speak. I thought that Sai was going to get angry with him like he had before, but Sai was actually laughing.

"You be quiet," was all he said, and then he let go. "I thought about it in the hospital, but I didn't think of anything. So sorry."

Yes, he seemed a bit more stable now… and that was really all any of us could have asked for. It was one of the few times that Ezrem's wild demeanor brought some positivity to us. I owed him a great deal already for saving Sai, but now he was helping even more. Hopefully the rest of the team could find their own niche in Sai's life and contribute to it to the best of their ability. I believed they had found their niches already, they just didn't know it yet. Their comments about me hogging the attention had told me so, but they would learn in time, I believed. Ezrem offered a good laugh once in a while, which never hurt anybody. Senori guided us down safe paths, and Kuiora gave off a sense of naivety that was ideal for staying sane. Rennio's youth let Sai know that he was important and that he had someone to protect.

And I… I gave Sai the determination to want. To reach out. To have dreams. I wanted the world. I got the world plus Sai and the rest of the team. Now Sai wanted the world, too, more than anything. We just didn't know what was in store for him.

I hoped for nothing but the best.


	27. scald

chapter 27 ; [SENORI]

scald

Oh, Sai. What could I say about him after all that had happened? I never realized that we had such disparate ideas of what life could be. He believed life could be controlled from afar. He believed life could be spent scared and paranoid. And here I thought that life could be spent in the aura of forgiveness and in the hands of fate.

I had already forgiven him for what he had done, but I couldn't help wondering: was what happened meant to happen? Did fate try to take Sai away, and then Ezrem defied it? Did fate throw this obstacle at Sai with the intentions of having him survive and turn into a better, happier person? Either way, I couldn't blame fate for wanting my trainer back so soon. He certainly was special. I had always considered him special, but the events over the last week and a half had proved it. He had such great trust in us and the sudden willpower to live couldn't have been mustered so easily. Sai had an effect on my beliefs that I still couldn't quite place.

…If I tried to think about it too hard, though, my thoughts turned to mush. I was hoping some sort of understanding would just fall from the sky, but I had no such luck. All I knew was that I couldn't bear the idea of losing Sai after I had lost all my clan members. Again, it would undoubtedly be my fault for not helping him sooner. Again, I would be alone and destined to start another journey that was doomed to end far too soon.

That was how much I cared. And I cared for not only Sai, but also for the others. It seemed that every member of the team had taken on physical forms of all the fears that threatened to follow me everywhere I went. The fear of loss, the fear of guilt... They had never left. I had never lost them, not even after I evolved. These faults of mine had just been replaced with new hearts, new lives, and they wouldn't go away unless I was separated from a member of the team, permanently or not. The six of us took breaths like one, and it showed.

Even if life was only offering me inevitable pain, it was worth it to be with them and only them.

That was what I felt, anyway, as we made our way out of the hospital and past the news reporters. Did they know that a dangerous entity—Sai's mother—might be lurking nearby? Did they know that the boy whose shoulder I was standing on lost a majority of his life to people who only wanted to harm him? Probably not. Would they care, even if they knew? Probably not, unless they earned a profit from it. They wouldn't even care if Sai's old cage was placed in the middle of Mahogany Town or if he begged them for release, too exhausted to try to escape himself. All of these people and reporters passing by knew that pokémon live in the wild, babies come from eggs, and that somebody died for their sins. They never stopped to think about it, though. That was why they kept passing by, looking for the next big story. I was glad to see the other people and reporters go. It was a rather pessimistic view, but I couldn't help it. That was what Sai's story had taught me: you can only count on a small amount of capable people. For Sai, it was us, Marty, and Sasha. Maybe some nurses, maybe the police. But no one else, not until they gave us a reason to call them worthy. Of course, I would be wishing that the boy's future changed this negative view. For now, it would have to stay.

We were heading back to Ecruteak City only to leave it and set out onto our next big adventure. Of course, whenever we planned to go anywhere, something or someone interrupted us. As if fate were reading my thoughts about trustworthy people, we ran into Marty shortly after the news reporters had gone away while mumbling loudly to themselves about how Sai wouldn't talk. Surprisingly, Sasha wasn't with him, and he quickly explained that he had to see Sai right away. Alone.

"What's the matter?" Sai asked, looking behind him once more. "We're alone now…"

"Yeah, yeah. I waited for all those news idiots to get away from you. Look, I'm sorry about those things I said in the hospital. I was just stunned, that's all. But your pokémon… did a good job of protecting you from them. They must like you a lot," Marty said quietly, peering over at us one by one, giving each of us a confident yet heartbroken smile.

"I don't know why, but they do," Sai said, reaching behind him to pick me up off of his shoulder. He cradled me in his arms and pet me behind the ears. If only I could have explained to Marty that we cared because of his tender moments like this amidst the craziness.

"It was wrong of me to have said otherwise. It was uncalled for." When Marty saw that Sai was about to protest, he added, "I know we both said you're a bad trainer, but you're not. There's a difference between being a bad trainer and learning in the process of becoming a good trainer. That's why I have a request for you."

"A request…?"

Marty pulled out a pokéball from his belt and pressed the middle button to enlarge it. He threw back his arm and then thrust it forward, calling out, "Go, Gracie!"

The quilava appeared in a flash of red and white, but instead of giving off a battle cry like I thought she might, she sat there, disinterested. The very act of releasing a pokémon, however, sent everyone into battle motion. Marty was known to be extremely aggressive toward us and after everything that had transpired, we were even more on edge than usual, despite the boy's kind words.

And so, Kuiora took it upon herself to step forward and say, "I'll take care of the fire-type!"

"Seriously? Marty wants to fight us?" Atis said, slapping himself on the forehead.

"Looks like it," Ezrem said. "I'll support you, Kuiora! This asshole's got nothing on you."

"I'll fight second if you need to rest!" Rennio said.

"Guys," Sai said, grabbing Kuiora and forcing her back to him, "I don't think Marty wants to fight. Am I right?"

Gracie looked back to her trainer quizzically, even though she didn't particularly seem to want to battle herself. At this, the team relaxed and watched for the other boy's reaction. Marty frowned and nodded, saying, "I just wanted to do that… one last time."

There was a moment of silence before Sai asked, "Marty, you're not the kind of person to be vague. Is something wrong?"

"Did you know your pokémon came to find me and Sasha so we could help them find you?"

"No, I didn't," he replied, but he didn't appear to be surprised.

"Gracie helped translate what was going on. She traveled outside of her ball the entire time and talked to some of your pokémon. You see, she's been acting very strangely since then. She won't eat, she won't battle… This is the first time she's looked at me for a long time."

"Oh. I see," Sai said, setting me down on the ground. "Do you want me to talk to her for you?"

"No," Marty said quickly. "I mean, I think I know what's going on, but I don't want you to force anything out of her. I think I've done enough of that already."

I saw Gracie hang her head, which only proved Marty's words to be true. I remembered that time—it seemed so long ago now—where we had ridden on the back of the boy's mantine and talked about her past. About the abuse she endured. About Marty's persistence and assertiveness and constant reminders, and how she couldn't handle it. Perhaps I had brought up too many harsh memories for her and had caused her to treat her trainer with disdain. That hadn't been my intention, and I stared at her with sad eyes. If she looked at me, she would know that I knew and that I was feeling guilty for it. But she didn't look my way. I tried to console myself with the fact that she would have cracked sooner or later, with or without me. Surely, there had to be some way to help her now…

"What do you want me to do, then?"

"Gracie," Marty said loudly to get her attention, "I'm giving you a choice. I've given a lot of thought to this. It's been hard because you're my starter, but if you're not happy with me, then… you can leave. I brought you to Sai because his pokémon might have done something for you I'm not aware of. You should go with him, if you think that's a better fit."

"Marty, what are you—" Sai started.

"Hush, Sai. You'll take her, won't you? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let her go and she ended up in the hands of the wrong person. You of all people should know how I feel."

At this, Sai kept silent and, perhaps unconsciously, moved toward Atis.

Gracie spun around, stopping once in a while to look at both our group and Marty. Her face looked strained, her mouth was open as if she wanted to say something, and the fire on her back was dimming considerably out of fear. She was obviously confused and unsure of herself. While everyone else stood back and watched the scene unravel, I went up to her and tried to assist her. It was my fault that she was in this mess to begin with, after all.

"I know you don't want to stay," I said, hinting at our last conversation. "This is your chance to be happy!"

She looked down suddenly, scratching carelessly at the ground with her paws. "Will I be happy with Sai, though? Is he better than Marty?"

"Sai's… got his own problems, sure, but they shouldn't conflict with yours. He would never push you farther than you wanted to go."

"But Marty's fed me all this time, and he takes me out of my pokéball to exercise. He trained me enough to evolve and he's never afraid of me like other people are because they think I'll burn them. On the other hand, he's just so… triggering. And what about Sasha? She'll be crushed. What about the rest of the team? I-I don't know…"

"I'm sure Marty's thought about that. Maybe he even talked to them about it. They'll have to understand. And if you're not happy with what he's done, then… something's still wrong."

"You'd think that after all this time, he'd be able to understand me and hear me out," Gracie said, shaking her head. "But I was starting to think it'd never happen. I lost hope, so I ignored him… I guess that was hard for him not to notice, huh?"

I nodded, having nothing else to say. The rest was up to her. The only thing I could do now was make her know that Sai would have her if she chose to go.

"You'd take her if she wanted to come, right, Sai?" I said, turning to my trainer.

"Of course," Sai said without hesitation.

"No dice?"

"No dice."

I waited for Ezrem to make a sarcastic comment about how unfair the situation was, but none came. The team was shifting around uncomfortably, probably remembering how they had been given this very same choice once, and how much had happened since then. It was awkward to have it be happening to the initial perpetrator right before your eyes.

"You hear that, Gracie? We'll have you."

"I don't know what they're saying over there, Gracie, but… please choose. Don't worry about me," Marty said. His body was visibly tense; he was trying very hard not to show any weakness so that he could stay true to his word.

Gracie looked at her original trainer once before taking a cautious step toward Sai. With every move she made, she became more confident in her decision, and she ended up walking straight to Sai without any evident reluctance.

"So this is your decision?" Sai asked, leaning down to see his new pokémon.

"…Would you tell Marty that he's a good boy, but my heart's just not in it yet?" Gracie confirmed, extinguishing the flames on her back so she could nuzzle up to Sai's leg without hurting him.

"Well, that's that," Marty said, turning away swiftly at the sound of her voice. I could tell he could break at any moment when his shoulders crouched forward and he faltered in his first step. It had to be difficult, losing your first partner, but it had to be some consolation, to feel you were doing the right thing.

"Marty, I'm so sorry, and so is Gracie," Sai explained sincerely. "I don't know what else to say. What are you going to do now?"

"As I said, don't worry about me," the boy replied, waving his hand around weakly. "Thank you, Sai. I must say, I've grown to love your disappearing acts, so… I think I'll do one of my own. Right now. …See you around."

And with that, he ran off into the next route leading out of Mahogany Town, leaving his pokémon in our care. His disappearance marked the end of Gracie's quest for contentment, and we all welcomed her home as best as we could.

I originally thought Gracie was very shy, but she still had that determined side of her that I saw when we first fought. Anyone who could deal with Ezrem and Kuiora's witty bantering, anyway, had to be extremely determined.

"Kuiora's probably ecstatic that she has a perfect opponent on the team. You better watch out, Gracie. She may shoot a water gun at you at any time," Ezrem said, flying high enough to where Kuiora couldn't hit him in response.

"I wouldn't do that!" she cried instead.

"You were ready to do it when she was sent out of her pokéball," Ezrem retorted.

"W-Well, that was different…"

"It's okay," Gracie interrupted. "I'll practice with you anytime. The braviary, on the other hand, better not underestimate me or he'll receive a swift kick in the face."

"That's awfully rude of you. If you're finding it difficult to laugh at yourself, then I'd be happy to do it for you."

"Hmph. You can use me for your witty jokes. You can step on me and walk all over me like I'm not even here. But I will not let you look down on me."

"Wow," I said, running up to them since I had been listening to their conversation the entire time. I felt obligated to join at this point, so I did. "Gracie's standing up for herself and she hasn't even been on the team for a whole hour."

Needless to say, I knew why she said what she did. Having someone look down on her reminded her of the past abuse. I could tell by the intensity in her voice. The human who hurt her literally towered over her and struck her down as punishment constantly, so it made her think of pain. It was similar to how the sentret in my clan looked down on each other when they became taller with their tails. This was how they declared their dominance. Unlike the sentret, though, she didn't mind being invisible or used as a source of humor. That was just the kind of pokémon she was. With these characteristics, I thought she'd fit nicely into the team.

"I'll step all over you while I still can, then," Ezrem said, rolling his eyes and ignoring me.

"Is that a threat?" Rennio chimed in.

"No," Ezrem defended quickly.

"I think it is."

"Oh, Rennio, where have you been all my life? Such a reliably disappointing pokémon such as yourself deserves to be my top priority."

"I was hiding from you, like everyone else should."

"L-Let's all be nice, guys," Atis said. We were able to hear him though he was traveling behind us, next to Sai. "We don't want our new companion to think she made the wrong decision, do we?"

"Let's talk about something random," Kuiora offered. "Like, uh, how blue Sai's eyes are."

"What?" Sai said after hearing his name. So much for having an attentive trainer who was watching us to make sure we were behaving. I wondered what he was thinking about, but there was no way to know.

"You know. Like a lake or something. …I thought of it because I could really go for a swim right now. Sorry. It's been a while."

"The city we're going to, Olivine City, has a huge ocean next to the ferry port. We could go swimming there if you really wanted," Rennio suggested.

"Really? How do you know?"

"That was where me and my old trainer arrived in Johto. We were able to explore the town a bit before starting at the beginning in New Bark Town."

"I'd like to point out that I was there, too," Ezrem said. "And what he says is true."

"Wow!" Kuiora said, jumping up in excitement. "Can we go, Sai? Can we?"

"Uh," Sai said. "It's not like we have anything better to do…"

"That's a yes!" the croconaw affirmed. "Oh. Sorry, Gracie, I bet you don't like water, do you?"

"I don't mind it," she lied. "I'm not like most fire-types, I guess."

"Isn't it great to have a fire-type pokémon on our team?" Atis sighed before Ezrem could make another snarky comment. "Maybe she can help us keep warm at night…"

"It's just like you to be thinking of sleep. We pretty much just rested for a week. Don't tell me you're still tired," I teased him.

"It w-was a lot harder of a time than it looked, you know…"

I looked up at Sai to make sure he wasn't paying attention before continuing to speak. "I don't know what you did for him or what changed your mind, but thank you."

"Ah, I didn't do anything, really…" the modest hitmontop replied.

"But of course you did. We all stood back on purpose because we knew you could do it. Do you regret it or something?"

"No… I trust him."

"The error you made before was trusting him. Here's my observation, though: you'd do it again if it meant seeing him smile."

"It doesn't have to be as corny as you make it sound, but yeah."

"Excuse me, leader, but is that you talking to yourself over there? Has being with Sai too long made you a little crazy?" Ezrem asked, swooping down to get in between me and Atis.

"Of course I'm talking to myself," I said, saving Atis the embarrassment by playing along with his games. "I need an intelligent conversation once in a while, you know."

"Your wits don't match mine, but they're pretty high up there," the bird said. "Don't forget who saved your trainer. I could have left him alone. Maybe then I might not have spent that time cooped up in a tight building with strict women."

"It's not Senori's fault that braviary are so huge," Atis protested. Once he realized he had talked, however, he covered his mouth immediately and hung back a little as if trying to pretend he didn't exist.

"Oh, so you do like to talk sometimes," Ezrem said. "You know, I thought I understood evolution until I met you. I thought about it a lot thanks to my old trainer. Weren't you only supposed to evolve into a hitmontop if attack and defense were equal? But it seemed your defenses were higher than anything. Now I see—you've got a mouth on you, too. …You should use it more often."

"I should…?"

"Actually, I agree with Ezrem for once," Rennio said. "We'd all like to hear you talk more."

"And we'd like to see you battle more," Kuiora agreed.

"Then I'd be a real hitmontop, huh?" he said. And he smiled as if he had been forcing back a smile for a long time. Everyone but Sai had missed it ever since the incident.

"A real hitmontop can also spin on his head," I said. I laughed, remembering how he couldn't fully perform the trick for those at the pokémon fan club. Luckily, no one else knew what I was talking about.

Atis gave me a halfhearted glare and said, "I'll spin on my head in the water and splash you. All of you."

"Except for me, right?" Gracie said.

"Right. Sorry," Atis said, blushing.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I said. When we all seemed to quiet down, I turned to my trainer and said, "Sai, you haven't said much. Do you know how to swim?"

"No…" Sai said slowly, as if the word was completely foreign to him.

"I thought I'd ask, in any case. Well, we're going to teach you."

"I'm going to teach him," Kuiora corrected.

"And if he refuses, just remember that I'm an electric-type," Rennio said, smiling.

"Oh…" Sai said, finally getting into our conversation by grinning. "Is that a challenge?"

And that was how our next journey began.

It took us another three days to get to Olivine City. We sped through Ecruteak City due to Sai's unfavorable memories. From there, we made our way past tall grass with a bunch of wild pokémon and eager trainers. There was no time for bantering like there had been at the beginning, and we were all worn out by the time we arrived, especially Sai, who still hadn't gotten over the battle that had taken place on the roof. Perhaps he'd never get over it, and it was our duty to help him out to the best of our abilities.

Still, this was exactly what we needed. There were no memories associated with Olivine City. No one was threatening to follow or hurt Sai anymore. It was an added bonus that we had something to do besides battle the gym leader first, though I was sure we'd get around to that eventually, considering that the gym challenge was all that he had ever known. There was nothing particularly wrong with that, seeing as how Sai enjoyed battlin. He had to grow out of it sometime, though… And it seemed that Atis was starting to rub off on me…

"Senori?" Sai asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Are you going to go in the water?"

I looked at everything around me. Kuiora hadn't wasted any time in asking Rennio to bring her to the ocean, and Sai was happy to give in to the two of them. So here we were, on the west side of Olivine City already, surrounded by sand and a line of beach houses that people could rent out for a day or two. Sai had purchased one, but he said they were expensive so it would be a special treat after everything had happened.

"Anything to make up for what I did," he said sadly.

But the team wouldn't let him feel guilty. Not right now. They forced him out onto the sun and tried to get him into the water, but he said he'd wait to see what everyone was doing first before having some fun himself. He was concerned for us, probably because this was something new to him, and probably because he had a newcomer to care for, a newcomer that could be damaged by too much water exposure.

So I watched as Kuiora hopped on Ezrem's back. I watched as Ezrem flew into the sky and over the deeper part of the water, allowing the croconaw to jump off of him and dive right in. I watched as Atis practiced spinning on his head a few times before finally getting the hang of it. He chose to just run into the water, but I was sure he'd keep his promise. I watched as Rennio did a practice thundershock attack on the ground to get the excess electricity away from him before following. I watched as he urged Gracie to come with him, but also to not get too close. I want to be your friend because you're the new baby of the team, he had said, and it made me smile. And it made me think.

I thought too much, and so Sai interrupted me.

"Yes, I will," I said simply. "I haven't had a bath in… forever."

"Why is that?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"Because you, as my trainer, haven't given me one? You take showers by yourself. We have to stay clean too, you know."

"Oh," Sai said. "I didn't know. I'll change that from now on. Sorry."

"It's okay. The others don't seem to mind, not even Kuiora. It might just, uh, be a sentret thing."

"You're a furret."

"But I used to be a sentret, no?"

"I think I've known you longer as a furret, though, so it's a furret thing."

"…Just get in the water already," I said, running behind him and pushing his legs to make him go forward. I didn't have to do it for long, as he followed along with my movements and made his way into the ocean. He paused after seeing other people and pokémon beside us laughing and playing with toys, as if he were wondering whether or not he belonged, but I gave him one last final push before his feet were covered by sand due to the force of a wave.

Before he went in any further, he asked, "Don't I need different clothes for this? Everyone else seems to have… almost nothing on…"

"Who cares?" I said, running deeper than him and splashing him with water. "You'll just be special."

"Right." He chuckled and sat down, letting the sea envelop him, as he was afraid to go any further without being able to swim. "Now I'm just waiting for Kuiora."

Suddenly, a large figure sprang out of the water, causing a massive amount of water to spray at the two of us. Once I wiped the liquid out of my eyes, I was able to see that it was the troublesome croconaw.

"You called?" she asked, bowing at her own fantastic entrance.

"Yes. You said you were going to teach me how to swim, didn't you?"

"That I did. Let's go. You have to be in deeper water. I was barely able to hide myself here while trying to scare you."

We went into deeper water, as I was curious to see how this would turn out. Sai going through any new experience was bound to turn either horribly awkward or magnificently perfect. As it turned out, things went horribly awkward. Water-type pokémon and humans swim in a completely different way. Kuiora was able to glide seamlessly through the water. Her body did a wavelike motion as she swam, but if Sai tried to do this, he only floated right back to where he started.

"He has to move his legs and arms to get around," Rennio offered, trying hard not to laugh at our trainer.

"If you think you're so good at this, then you teach him!" Kuiora fumed, storming off to be with Gracie, who was waiting patiently at the edge of the water, careful not to get too close. "For now, I'm going to be a fire-type pokémon."

Ezrem sighed rather loudly, as if we were depriving him of attention. "Someday," he said, "we'll all look back on this day, laugh nervously, and then change the subject. I can see it now."

"Don't you get smart with me," Sai said, irritated.

"I'm sorry that you only want the dimmest of the dim for your team, dear Sai."

"I'll show you. Rennio, what have you got?"

"Well, I'm no expert, but… you should kick your legs up and down and keep pushing your arms forward. Don't take my word for it, though."

Sai tried it anyway, and it certainly worked better than Kuiora's methods. With Rennio's instructions, he was able to reach even deeper water without touching the ground, and when he stopped, he was able to keep himself afloat. Since he didn't even sink once, he seemed pretty proud of himself.

"See, Ezrem? I can do it," he said confidently.

"If you're so sure of yourself, you should swim until you hit the end of the world. And then you should stay there."

"You'd get too lonely without him, since you hate the rest of us," I said, but Sai seemed to have a different idea.

"The end of the world, huh…?" he said, making his way back to where he could stand. He peered out into the distance, seemingly lost in thought.

As usual, however, we were interrupted, this time by the most unexpected of visitors. It appeared to be an incoming tornado made of water, and it was heading relentlessly toward us. As it passed us pokémon, we all got splashed with a large amount of water. All of us held up our arms (or wings) to hide the blow, but it was pretty powerful for me to avoid entirely. When my vision was clear again, I tried to yell about how Sai should watch out, but it was too late. The tornado leaped out of the water and flipped over, revealing Atis's regular, humanlike form. He landed on top of Sai's chest, sending the boy completely underwater for the first time since he ventured out of here. Atis went under with him, and after a few moments, they surfaced, with Sai's hair covering his face and with Atis suddenly having a concerned look on his face.

"I hope I didn't hurt you," he said after spitting out the water he had gotten in his mouth.

"I didn't know you could do a thing like that," Sai said, wiping his hair out of his face.

"Yeah… Well… Now your hair doesn't look as messy," Atis said, trying to cover up for his actions.

"Now you're a real hitmontop, as you said you would be," Ezrem complimented.

"I would shock you for that, but I can't right now. I'll get you later," Rennio threatened.

"My legs are starting to get tired after swimming and traveling for so long," Sai said, changing the subject. "I'm getting out of the water for now. The rest of you can do whatever."

True to his word, Sai stepped out of the water, with Atis's arms wrapped around his neck, legs wrapped around his torso. I had no reason to stay since I was clean now (or as clean as I could be with seawater), so I tagged along. Ezrem and Rennio didn't want to be alone with each other, but that was the only reason they came, too. Gracie and Kuiora had already been waiting there for a while ago.

"If you wanted a water competition, Atis, you should have just said so," Kuiora said. "I could have showed off more of my moves."

"I'm just glad I stayed at the shore," Gracie said, shaking her head.

Sai sat down next to Gracie, setting Atis down next to him. He visibly shivered a bit and then placed his hands over Gracie's back and asked, "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," she replied, smiling and igniting her flames just enough for the warmth to radiate around us.

"Hmm…" Sai mumbled, rubbing his hands together. Though the majority of his body was facing in Gracie's direction, his head was facing toward the sea. Again, he seemed lost in thought. Had he really taken the bird so seriously? That was a mistake in and of itself, so I had to make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid.

"Sai, what are you thinking about?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing," Sai said, but then he changed his mind. "Just… you know… It's still hard to talk about. I was caged up for so long that I'm not used to seeing such… vast scenery. I like the sea."

"So do I! You have great taste," Kuiora said.

"Yeah. It tells me that there's something more out there for me to see. It seems endless, and that's what I always imagined my life experiences to be. I don't know… Sorry if I'm rambling."

An idea hit me as he spoke. "If you could be around the sea all the time," I said, "would you be happy?"

"Yes," Sai said. "It would be good to have a reminder like this. And I'd like to learn to swim more. It was quite enjoyable. The movement makes me feel free. I'm not trapped like before…"

"You know what else could get you around to places? The ferry in the city. The port is right over there," Rennio said, pointing toward a nearby building with a lone ship facing toward it.

"Ah," Sai said. "That would certainly help, too. I could go anywhere I wanted, anytime…"

"Sai, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I said. Apparently, though, no one else was thinking what I was thinking, because they all looked at me in confusion, even Rennio, who I thought had been catching on even just a little bit. "This could be your new home for a while. We don't have to travel anywhere else if you don't want to, especially if it brings you bad memories—"

"I only rented the cabin for one night, though," Sai interrupted.

"We can get more money by battling trainers and buy more nights. Or we can buy a real place."

"What about the gyms? We only have one out of eight badges right now, since we lost some…"

"You don't have to do those anymore, remember? I mean, honestly, did you even enjoy doing them before?"

"Not since I felt rushed…"

"Then you're just making excuses!" Ezrem butted in. "It's as clear as day."

"I'd love to be here all the time!" Kuiora offered.

"You know me… and Ezrem… have always wanted to travel other places, so this is perfect for us," Rennio said, nodding.

"I don't care where we go. Location isn't an issue for me," Gracie said, licking her paws idly.

"What do you say, Sai? It doesn't get much better than this," Atis said. I could tell he was trying to hide excitement in his voice, but he was failing.

There was a moment of silence before Sai sighed and said, "First, we'll go to the gym here in Olivine City… just for fun, all right? It won't be about getting stronger or getting a badge. I want to know what it's like to be a trainer for a little while longer. I did enjoy that, at least." He paused. "And then I'll let you know what I think of your idea."

This seemed like a reversal: the pokémon were being impulsive, while Sai wanted to take his time to think. Was this a good sign or not? It was hard to tell. Difficulty making decisions was an equally troublesome problem. We saw a boy who wanted to find a place as soon as possible, with the smallest amount of traveling involved, so that he could start focusing on recovery alone. And what better place than here? We weren't lying or exaggerating any of the city's features. We were content, and today seemed to go well enough for him. Our hearts were set, but we were also content to wait. We had been loyal thus far, and we didn't intend to change that, so we granted the wish of our trainer and went to the gym.


	28. unanimous

chapter 28 ; [KUIORA]

unanimous

I could have come up with many of my own myths once upon a time, but after what I had seen, the idea was doubtful. What would be my myth to explain the differences among human language and pokémon language? What would be my myth to explain the origin of the gym challenge? …What would be my myth to explain the entirety of Sai's life? What if I tried to explain it in a single sentence? Would I ever be able to tell his story with a straight face? I imagine that following the story would come an indeterminable wince because I was a part of it. I was real. I was there. I was there when he jumped. I was there when he survived and tried to get better.

I look at my body sometimes and connect with Sai's feelings the most when I wonder if my life has been real. I remember how much smaller I used to be. My fangs used to be much less powerful, less pronounced. I couldn't release as much water, then, either. As a totodile, I was young and silly. My goals had nothing to do with the team or with my trainer; I only thought of myself. Not anymore. I look at Gracie, too, the newest friend on the team. Gracie reminds me of the cyndaquil I used to know, the cyndaquil Sai could have picked. What if he hadn't picked me? Would I have ever come this far? If only Professor Elm could see me now…

I know, now, that death is real. It was right in front of me the entire time and I didn't even know it. I'm sorry, Ezrem, for having told you otherwise. I'm also sorry to the gods above. This was my punishment that I deserved. Most of all, I'm sorry to Sai, because I stopped believing in him when he needed it most. I overcompensated wholeheartedly on the roof of the building, but to this day I don't know if it was enough.

What myth could I use to explain the phenomenon that is death? What about death among the living? That's what Sai thought he was. He thought he was dead. In the cells, he wasn't living at all. He was patiently waiting for something better. He was patiently waiting… for me. I wasn't trying to please the legendaries anymore. I was trying to please him. How am I doing, Sai? How am I doing? I look at my strong body sometimes and wonder.

Love is a fairly funny thing. The way that it can tear apart and repair itself so seamlessly is astounding. When Sai was falling, his name flowed through my mouth like water, because he had been waiting for someone to acknowledge his true self for a long, long time. And I could easily give away my love in carefully wrapped pouches, filled with songs and food and bits of life too precious to abandon. I am not saying that I do not love you now, Sai, my team—but if I had known about your sorrow all this time, I would have loved you hard enough to take your heart and make it start anew.

So it goes, I suppose.

The gym gave off an air of invincible determination. On both sides of our team lay clusters of shining crystals. When we first opened the door to the gym (which took some effort, given that it was made of steel), the crystals glimmered in the sunlight and temporarily blinded us. Sai mentioned briefly about how there could be a trap, but his paranoia was soon settled when we saw the interior of the building. There was no one and nothing around besides us, the crystals, and statues of a long snake pokémon protruding from the top of the walls. The statues hung above us, connecting in such a way that it made us feel as if we were walking under an arch.

"All the pairs of steelix statues look like they're kissing," Ezrem commented, flying up to them to get a closer look.

"Are they touching?" Senori asked.

"Almost."

"How adorable," Gracie said. "This looks like a steel-type gym, then."

"And I bet you anything that the gym leader is a girl," I commented, nudging the only other female on the team.

It turned out that I was right. We heard footsteps resounding through the room and we became quiet. A young woman approached, her hands clasped together and held over her heart. She was wearing a white dress that went down to her knees and two orange ball-shaped clips in her brown hair. Her smile was soft and her voice tender as she said, "Welcome to the Olivine City gym. Can I help you?"

"Oh… Well, we were just admiring the decorations… but I would like a gym battle, if that's all right with you." Sai added swiftly, "Or we can come back later if you want."

She shook her head. "No, you're fine. My name is Jasmine, and I would love to have a gym battle with you."

"Really?" Sai said, rubbing the back of his head. "I guess we're lucky… I didn't make an appointment or anything…"

"No need. Follow me," she said, motioning for us to come. We listened, and as we walked, I noticed that the girl was walking barefoot on the cold ground below. Were her feet used to the slick ground beneath us? Such was the toughness of a steel-type gym leader, though otherwise, she didn't look the part.

When we reached the back wall of the gym, we stopped seeing steelix statues and crystals. The emptiness of this part indicated that it was battlefield. The rest of us quit walking, but Ezrem kept flying right past us and almost ended up crashing into Jasmine.

"Sorry. I was busy thinking," Ezrem said, though I could tell he was lying. He just had that sarcastic edge in his voice that I was accustomed to. Who knew if even gym leaders could understand pokémon, anyway?

Jasmine only giggled, and he flew back toward us. More specifically, he flew back to me and passed by me. As he passed by me, I could feel his face turn toward me and I could feel his beak brush against my cheek.

"W-What was that?" I said, rubbing my cheek in case he had left a mark. I looked at my claws, however, and saw nothing.

"A good luck kiss… tap… thing," Ezrem stammered. "Yes, I stole a kiss from you. For good luck. I know he'll ask you to battle."

"What…?" I mumbled as he flew behind the rest of us. I turned and wondered at that phrase he had given me. Why was it called stealing a kiss when he had freely given it to me? Was he stealing anything from me? Was he stealing my concentration on the battle? What a jerk. But I hadn't retreated from the move, so it didn't seem like thievery. It seemed like he was only cheating the world from time itself—we could be battling but instead he was doing weird antics, as usual. This was the kiss we didn't have time for, yet indulged in anyway.

"Stupid bird," I said, stepping forward. "I will battle and not be distracted by your stupidity."

"You want to battle, then, Kuiora?" Sai asked, apparently not having noticed Ezrem's actions.

"Yes, I will."

"Wait," Sai interrupted. "Atis, I have a question for you."

"Y-Yes…?" the shy pokémon asked, fiddling with his fingers.

"Is Kuiora a good type match up for Jasmine? I mean, I sent Senori out against some ghost-type pokémon while you were gone, and that was pretty awful, so, yeah… I'm asking you."

"Oh. Is that all? Well, if Jasmine uses her steelix, Kuiora should be just fine. Steelix is part ground-type, which is perfect for her water-type moves," Atis explained, nodding.

"Sounds good. Otherwise I would've tried Gracie, so she could show off her skills if she wanted," Sai said.

"Gracie would be a good choice, too, but she has a disadvantage…"

"Ground-types are just as scary as water-types," Gracie said. "I can let Kuiora fight."

"I totally agree," Rennio said, appearing behind the fire-type. "Though I think all pokémon are scary, so I'm not sure how much my opinion counts…"

Ezrem scoffed, Gracie glared at him, and I knew that she felt she belonged on this team already. We all belonged on this team for some reason or another. Senori was obviously the leader who guided us all. Atis was as human as any of us would ever be, and therefore he could relate best to Sai's odd ways and help him out when needed. Rennio was the baby we all needed to protect; he gave us purpose. Ezrem was a gentle reminder of how cruel and sweet the world could be at the same time. And Gracie could now be the pokémon who saw right through everyone, through their flaws and strengths, and she could accept them anyway and be our friend.

Again, I wondered. Where was my place? Was I the strongest? No, that was probably Atis, even if he didn't show any of his power. I was the baby, once, but I had been replaced. It's not like I would have enjoyed that title, anyway. So where was I? Perhaps I was an extreme member of the group. I was always extremely eager, extremely angry, extremely worried, but rarely somewhere in between. Perhaps it wasn't about where I was in the team, but rather it was about how the others complemented me. They kept me balanced. And that's why I wanted to fight for them still, even now. I wanted to make it up to them and make them proud. Not to mention how Ezrem apparently had high expectations for me so suddenly.

I stepped forward onto the battlefield to do what I had to do.

"Your hitmontop is very smart," Jasmine said, revealing a red and white pokeball in her hand. "I will be using my steelix. Did the statues give it away?" She giggled, and I thought she was going to thrust the pokéball forward, but she only pressed the button in the middle to enlarge it. She moved her hand forward slightly and the ball burst open, blinding me with the bright light that followed.

True to her word, a live figure of a steelix emerged from the light. The long, silvery, shining snake-like figure definitely was beating me in terms of height and weight already. Its head was massive though the head mostly consisted of its jaw alone, and its long rock body trailed behind it, only interrupted by steel spikes protruding occasionally from its sides. I thought that the pokémon was going to tower through the roof of the building, but I supposed Jasmine had the large gym built this way for a reason. Upon further inspection, I could see that the steelix's tail had a sharp point; I made a note to watch out for it.

I stood there, waiting for the battle to begin and vaguely wondering if Sai was going to try to give commands for once. I looked back at him and saw him looking at Atis in anticipation.

"I'll help you," Atis said, "but we've got to be quick."

"I won't wait just for you to come up with strategies to beat me," Jasmine said, pointing at us with one of her hands. "I will make the first move. Steelix, headbutt!"

Before any of us could even react, the steelix let out a ferocious, low battle growl as it brought the front half of its body backward. It lunged forward and time seemed to stop. For as long as the rock snake was, it shouldn't have taken long at all for it to crash into me. Nevertheless, it seemed to be moving in slow motion, and even I was moving in slow motion as I tried to turn to Sai for a command. The pokémon and the trainer, however, were busy discussing other tactics.

"You should have Kuiora use her water-type moves, yes. Physical attacks won't do much, no matter how powerful she is…" Atis blathered on, making sure the boy was listening.

"Tch," I said, moving my head back. "So much for counting on my trainer." I didn't want to count on just myself. I wanted to count on the entire team, mostly Sai. I wanted him to feel reliable and valid as a human being for once. He wasn't, however, doing a good job right now.

The steelix was still rushing toward me. It was a simple attack, and simple attacks called for simple countermeasures. I pushed off the ground with my feet and flew out of the way from the steelix's fearful jaws.

"Sai, pay attention!" I cried when I landed, my hands automatically showing attitude by placing themselves at my hips.

"Sorry," Sai mumbled. I could barely hear him. "I thought it was just common sense to dodge."

"A little support could never hurt…" Atis said, defending me.

"Hmm. If you command me even for dodging, you'll really feel like you're in control of the whole battle. And that's what you want, right?"

"If that would make me more of a proper trainer, then yes."

"Better do it, then," I said, shaking my head.

Sai sighed, probably thinking about how he still had so much to learn. He was lucky, at least, that I knew what to do in case he was having trouble. Still, I got what I was looking for: a command. "Use water gun!" he shouted.

I snickered at the poor steelix in front of me. Surely it would succumb rather quickly to my water gun attack. I held my breath, feeling the water swish and accumulate inside of me and up toward my mouth. The steelix stood there, looking unfazed. I frowned. I would show him that he couldn't just underestimate me and get away with it. I drew my head back and then thrust it forward, releasing my water gun attack at the same time. A hefty stream of water shot out directly at the steelix. I grinned, thinking he couldn't avoid it. There simply just wasn't enough room on the battlefield. At the last minute, much like how I had moved at the last minute, the steelix raised its tail in front of its face and slammed it down through the water, dispersing it in all directions. The pokémon's face still looked unfazed.

"My steelix may not be able to move around a lot," Jasmine said confidently, "but his tail can absorb any damage you throw at it. You won't be able to beat him so easily."

"We'll see about that," Sai said. "Kuiora, figure out a way to use your water gun attack effectively!"

"That's not a command…" Atis said, exasperated.

I laughed out of sheer happiness over the fact that he was at least trying. If simply trying was going to make Sai feel better, then it was going to make me feel better too. And besides, it seemed relatively simple to obey him. I had to get the steelix's defense out of the picture, and then I should be fine.

Atis had said not to use physical attacks, but… what if I tried to use a physical and a special attack at the same time?

I prepared another water gun attack. When I thrust my head backward, I also prepared to leap from the ground, hoping that the steelix didn't notice. I had to prepare now, though, or I'd never make it. I had to be fast or I wouldn't make it.

As expected, the steelix lifted up its tail when I released my water gun attack again. What the steelix wasn't ready for was how I propelled myself off the ground to dive straight at his tail. I hid myself underneath my water gun so it would take longer for him to see. And as I hoped for, I was faster than the water gun attack itself. When the steelix saw me, he looked surprised, but he had nowhere to go. I reached the long steely snake and swat his tail away with my own, and then fell down to the floor to make way for the real attack.

The steelix was hit by the full force of the water gun, and it struggled not to topple over. By the time the water dissipated, it finally looked like I had made a dent, but not enough damage had been dealt. I scowled.

"Didn't you say this thing was a ground-type?"

"Y-Yes, I did… It must have high defense skills…" Atis stuttered.

"Obviously."

"As the sixth gym leader in the gym circuit, I will not go easy on you or ask my steelix to be weaker than it actually is. Will you be able to overcome his defense?" Jasmine said. Even though I had pointed out how she didn't look like a steel-type gym leader, she was certainly starting to act like one. Her previously shy demeanor must have been a façade.

And suddenly, it made sense for me to be having so much trouble. We only had three badges. Well, we only really had one if you considered how Senori lost two of them. If Jasmine was the sixth gym leader, then that meant we had messed up in our route and we weren't meant to be here. There was so many other things on our minds that we never really considered that we were doing the gym challenge, of all things, wrong.

We had also taken on stronger opponents—Marty and Sai's mother—but those battles had taken place in desperate situations. This was not life or death, loss or gain… If we lost, then it would temporarily break Sai's pride, but it wouldn't break our team. If we won, then at most we'd have something to look fondly back on. Was this a slightly more important loss or gain situation, after all? Surely, there had to be something to gain from all of this… Of course, I was aiming to win, but the outcome looked bleak now.

"Steelix, use tail whip," Jasmine said harshly.

One hit from that rock hard tail and I would've been done for. I simply wasn't strong enough. Despite all of my efforts, my training had only done so much for me. My current body could only do so much for me. Was it time to evolve? I had felt the urge to change for some time now, but I never found the right time to do so. The situation called for attention on Sai, not me. But I was the center of this show, now, and I could do whatever I wanted. Could I evolve right here, right now? If only Sai could see me then…

The steelix stood as tall as it possibly could in this crowded gym, and then it lunged at me yet again, this time with full force. The steel-type was eager to get this over with, it seemed, or he wanted to prove that his trainer's words were true. Either way, he was coming at me, and he was coming at me fast. I knew that this time, at the last minute, he would fling his tail at me and wipe me out.

"Kuiora, dodge it!" Sai said. "It'll hurt you!"

Ah, there it was, the command I wanted earlier. Thank you, Sai. You never cease to amaze me… but this time, I don't want to move. I want to show you how strong I really am and I want to show you that I do indeed belong on this team. If I have to do evolve to do that, then I will. But what was this hesitation I was feeling? If I was going to evolve, I had to do it now to give me enough time to react.

I remembered the time I had evolved from a totodile. I had been in the middle of punching Sai as punishment for not acknowledging me. I had been frustrated and desperate and sad and wanting too much attention for my own good. I didn't want much of that anymore. I wanted to be stronger not for myself, but for him. If it would always be a fault of mine, then so be it. Needless to say, though, evolving didn't leave many good memories for me. At the time, Sai punching me had been a grand moment, but now it was just a reminder of how naïve I used to be. Similarly, I didn't want to evolve now, then lose, and have that failure hanging over my head, too…

Besides, being a croconaw had offered me some of the best moments in my life. I remembered the look on Sai's face when the whole team decided to stay with him after the battle with Marty. I remembered meeting Ezrem and Rennio and worshipping the former as a legendary pokémon. I remembered traipsing around Goldenrod City thanks to Atis. I remembered gym battles and regular battles and times of silence during traveling.

I remembered some of the worst times, too, like Ezrem getting hurt, Rennio crying, Sai jumping… but those situations had made me stronger. They made me realize my mistakes. As a croconaw, I was as mentally strong as I perhaps would ever be. Even if I wasn't physically strong now, I could work on that to become as fit as I could possibly be. Did I want to ruin that? Did I want to ruin the form that permanently made me into who I am today? I didn't want to if I didn't have to. I didn't have to. I just had to fend off the steelix's attack and find a way to defeat him. And again, if I lost, the loss could be fixed…

I stayed in my position, ignoring the pleas from my trainer, Atis, eventually the rest of the team. Even Ezrem seemed worried. Don't you know me by now, Ezrem? Then again, I thought I knew you, but I didn't. Perhaps we can get to know each other better a bit more after this, because I'm not going to get wiped out here.

The steelix raised its tail, getting ever so closer now. There was no time to move even if I wanted to. I tried digging my feet into the ground below me, but it was metallic and made it difficult to do so. I put my arms in front of me, indicating that I would be protecting myself.

But nothing could have prepared me for the impact that hit me. It literally swept me off the ground by several inches, making it impossible to stop the move with force. The only thing I could do was grab the steelix's cold, cold tail and hold onto it for dear life, which was what I wanted from the beginning anyway. I closed my eyes and waited for the next inevitable impact.

It took my breath away.

The only consolation was that the tip of the tail was not as sharp as I originally thought. It was rather blunt, but it still packed a punch. It threw me back into the wall and searing pain soared through my back and then, slowly, throughout the rest of my body. The wall, though it appeared to made of strong material, had been largely dented. The red scales lined on my back had also been embedded into the metal. It took all of my strength to keep holding on to the steelix's tail as he pulled it forward to be kind and let me drop to the floor in agony.

The whole steelix species must have monotone faces, because this steelix's face still hadn't budged an inch from when I first saw it. Even when he noticed my tight grasp, his face didn't change. I could tell he had noticed and was angry, however, when he started flailing his tail in various directions to get me to let go. I wasn't going to let go, not with the cold metal emanating on my skin and into my blood…

"Kuiora, what are you doing? Just let go!" Sai yelled.

"Keep going, Steelix," I heard Jasmine add.

I tried looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He seemed nervous, as he was pacing back and forth. Was he crying? His voice sounded like he might be, but I was never sure with that boy. At the very least, he was worried. Any good trainer would be in this situation. I would have to make him forgive me later…

Crash into the floor, crash into the ceiling, another crash into the floor and I was starting to feel the effects. Sooner or later I would have to give in and let go. I was waiting for my chance, but I was starting to think it would never come. I decided to act now.

I felt cold. Cold enough to do what I wanted to do. I could normally perform this attack by myself, but it wasn't an attack I had practiced often. It wasn't as effective if I wasn't cold enough, either. With the steelix's cold, metallic body pressed against my skin, I felt like ice. I felt invincible.

I opened my jaws, charging my teeth with ice energy. My mouth felt like it would freeze, but I would just have to deal with it for now. When I felt that the attached had charged enough, I waited for the steelix to stop moving so quickly. He swung his tail downward one more time, and I dared myself not to look at the ground lest I should lose the energy in my teeth out of fear. The pain threatened to take my power away, too, but it was just a risk I had to take.

When the steelix was moving its tail slowly upward once more, I took advantage of this. I bit the steel-type's tail as hard as I could. Finally, finally, the steelix showed some kind of emotion as it yelped out in pain and started flailing its tail yet again. This time, I was more than eager to let go. I dropped down to the ground, barely able to land on my two feet and stay standing.

Now all I could do was hope.

Like I said, I could've performed this attack without taking so much risk. But with my body being so much colder, it provided a much higher chance of the steelix's tail freezing upon impact. And that's exactly what happened. Icicles formed and hung from the entirety of the steelix's tail, embracing it and holding the rock form in place. Even when the steelix tried to swish its tail around, he couldn't quite do it as vigorously as he could before. The ice just wasn't going to break—it had come from a croconaw's mouth, after all.

"Wow," Sai said, gaping. "That was quite the plan. I wish I had thought of it. …Kuiora… your job isn't done yet, though, is it?"

I nodded.

"Use water gun."

"Steelix, try to defend yourself!" Jasmine cried, realizing the trouble she was in.

With the strength I had left, I shot out several streams of water, one after another, directly at the steelix's face. The steelix had trouble lifting its tail, but eventually he was able to cover his face with it and dodge one of the streams, but by then he had taken a considerable amount of damage. I stopped the attack, surveying my work. The steelix was breathing heavily and was having trouble keeping its tail up. Even if I didn't attack for the next several moments, he was having his own internal battle.

Jasmine seemed to realize this as she said, "Enough. My steelix is at a loss."

"Really? I mean, it could keep going if it really wanted to…" Sai said, surprised.

"Sai… Gym leader's call…" Atis said, tugging at his pants to get his attention.

"Your hitmontop is right. Any trainer should know when to call out their pokémon," Jasmine said, recalling the hurt steelix to its pokéball. As the pokémon dematerialized in a red light, I saw it look at me one last time with the most emotion I'd ever seen from it, seemingly unaccustomed to losing as it silently thanked me for a worthy match.

"Oh… Do you think I should have pulled Kuiora out there?"

"No. She had a plan and you would have ruined it. I, on the other hand… did not have a plan. Steelix's tail is its ultimate weapon. Without it, he's in trouble. We're still working on it."

"A gym leader has a weakness? I never would have guessed," Ezrem chimed in.

"Don't we all? Sai's is his inability to command his pokémon. I can't say I've ever seen a pokémon try to lead a gym battle before…"

Sai blushed.

"…Nevertheless, your croconaw has impressed me greatly. You did something right. And that's why you've earned this mineral badge," Jasmine said, extending her hand and opening her palm to reveal a small, shining, octagonal-shaped object.

"Thank you," Sai said quietly as he took the badge and grasped it in his own palm.

"Anything for a worthy challenger. Will you be heading to the next gym, then?"

"No… This was meant to be our last gym challenge," Sai admitted, looking down.

"Oh, is that so?" Jasmine said, suddenly frowning.

"Yes. We were thinking about staying in Olivine for a while."

"Is that so?" Jasmine said again. "Well, I hope to see you around sometime. For now, I need to go heal Steelix."

"Of course. See you around…"

She smiled and with that, she turned and left, waving us goodbye as she walked in the direction of the door.

As soon as she left, Ezrem had something to say.

"You know, Kuiora, there are three levels of stupid," Ezrem said to me as we left the gym. I had hardly been able to walk after the pain I had gone through so he was letting me fly on his back to the pokémon center. "There's the kind of stupid you do without thinking; there's the kind of stupid that bites you in hindsight; and there's the kind of stupid where you know it's stupid and you decide to do it anyway. That move right there? That was a little bit of each one."

"What are you talking about?" Gracie intervened. "That was a smart and inventive attack."

"Yeah, let's see you beat that giant snake with just those wings and that annoying beak of yours," Senori quipped.

"As Senori has implied… Ezrem is just jealous that he's part normal-type," Rennio said, shaking his head.

"Wait… What's wrong with normal-types?" Senori asked.

"What? O-Oh… That's not what I meant… I meant that they just wouldn't be good against giant steel-types like that."

"I guess that's true… Fine, I'll accept it," Senori said, bumping the elekid on the shoulder playfully. "Ezrem won't accept it, though."

"Please, guys," I said weakly. "Don't fight over me, okay?"

"Don't worry… I'm a humble pokémon, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am."

"Why don't we talk about something worth talking about?" Rennio said. "Like what we're going to do now."

"We're staying in Olivine City, obviously," I said quickly.

"We are?" Sai said. He was walking alongside us, occasionally looking at me and asking me if I was all right. "We didn't even have enough money to buy a shack for two nights."

"If you didn't spend money recklessly… we'd be just fine," the furret commented. I swore I saw him wink at Sai.

"It's not like we'd have to travel any longer, either," Gracie added.

"Plus, I like the water. And we have a connection already." I said.

"A connection?" Sai said.

"Yes. Jasmine."

"Oh… Maybe. Is that really what we all want?"

"It seems like it," Rennio said.

"We just want you to be happy, Sai," Senori said softly, almost to the point where we couldn't hear him

"Come on. Water, no traveling, money from gym battle, the actual gym badge, Jasmine. We've got it all. I bet she'd help you out since you beat her."

"Must you put it so bluntly, Kuiora?" Ezrem said.

"Be nice to me. I just won a gym battle for you."

"Ezrem is always nice to you," Sai pointed out. "Anyway, if that's what everyone wants… then that's what everyone gets."

The conversation continued, but I stopped listening. I had gotten the answer I wanted, and now I couldn't stop thinking about Sai's words. He had already chosen a home, and so quickly too! Would he really be happy here? It would just be up to us to make his experience as easy and as pleasing as possible. This would be our last step in having him separate from his old home, his old memories… There was nothing better we could ask for. Yes, Senori, I want him to be happy too, and I think he will be.

And he had noticed how Ezrem was being nice. Had he also noticed that I was close to evolving? What would he have done if he was in my shoes? What would he say if he knew? This boy gave me endless questions, but I could deal with no answers.

Still, I had to ask. I broke into whatever conversation they were having and said, "Sai, what would you think of me as a feraligatr?"

"A feraligatr? I don't even know what a feraligatr is."

"Oh. Right," I said dumbly.

Of course. Sai probably didn't even know I could evolve one more time; he probably hadn't been waiting for anything. He kept me on the team for being whatever I was, whether it be a totodile, a croconaw, or… He would probably accept me if I were any other species. Even a species that kept the team unbalanced and gave us more weaknesses… like another normal-type. He didn't care. That was just the kind of trainer he was. His world lay within the unknown and he displayed that uncertainty through words, questions. My world simply lurked in between the spaces of his words, waiting to be discovered.


	29. finality

chapter 29 ; [RENNIO]

finality

We were in the middle of our first apartment soon enough.

After a week of extensively searching the city for all possible living spaces and after a week of sleeping on the grassy ground once more, Sai had finally chosen a place that he figured was suitable for us. The apartment complex lay just on the outskirts of town, near the gym (Jasmine had indeed helped us upon request). Just north of the place was the route that led back to Ecruteak City, and all features of Olivine would require a bit of walking. This was perfect, Sai claimed, for both states of his mind. When he was manic, he could burn off energy walking to wherever he was going; when he was depressed, he'd have to fight himself to get anywhere at all. We also promised to not let him wallow in his self-pity when those times came.

The building we would be living in was actually a series of buildings, all owned by the same company. We were asked to pay a deposit fee. Sai did so, though afterward he compulsively counted all his money over again to see if we had enough to stay for a while. I whispered in his ear, telling him not to worry because I would battle for him some more if I had to.

We were on the first floor, specifically requested by Sai. He didn't want to be reminded of being high up, though three floors high wasn't particularly high enough to hurt him should he decide to jump again. No one pointed this out. We thought that if we had to protect him from potential burglars, we could do so easily—that's what pokémon with trainer badges do. Anyway, the room was fairly normal. Kitchen, couches, television, bathroom. Only one bedroom—it was impossible to get a room for all of us. He promised us a room to ourselves at the pokémon center if we ever needed it and we just smiled, nodding our heads as if it really mattered…

Time passed at an unbelievable rate. Not only were we incredibly lucky to have found a home so quickly, a place we could relax at and help Sai at the same time, but also we were adapting nicely. Each one of us developed a daily routine that was impossible to break once started. Senori, loyal and faithful as ever, decided to stay home and be the sole protector. He would keep the place clean, would keep watch for any danger, would go out hunting for food when Sai didn't have time to buy anything. He would be responsible for making sure Sai slept on a regular schedule. Jokingly, he said he'd also keep Ezrem from destroying the place with a huge gust of wind, but Ezrem isn't around much (thankfully, I thought at first). The bird pokémon spends much of his time in the northern route of the city, where a small forest-like area and several wild pokémon reside. He, too, keeps watch over them, flying in the sky during the day (and sometimes even at night), looking for possible predators and performing good deeds that the pokémon couldn't do themselves. It's his stable act of atonement, he told me once, and from that day on he became slightly tolerable to me. I haven't entirely forgiven him yet, and I doubt I ever will.

Kuiora, in the beginning, didn't want to hone her battling skills anymore. She was afraid she would have to evolve someday when she didn't want to. Sai, however, convinced her otherwise, said nothing would change if she evolved, nothing but her appearance, and he asked her to come with him to the Cianwood gym to train. She reluctantly agreed, and she goes twice a month to practice with him. Lately she's said she's having growing pains, her limbs are about to burst with the desire of wanting to evolve, and I suspect she'll have to give in soon enough.

As for Atis… Sai and Atis do even more together now. The hitmontop probably spends the most time with him. He goes the other two weeks of the month to help Sai with type match-ups and commanding a battle. The gym leader himself, named Chuck, helps Sai physically, as the boy's skinny, pale body leaves a lot to be desired. During the other days of the week, Sai works part-time in Jasmine's gym as the person who guards the gym and leads challengers in to the battleground. In addition, he volunteers at Olivine City's hospital in the psychiatric unit. This was a suggestion made by Atis, and Sai had been hesitant because he figured it would be triggering. So far, nothing seems out of the ordinary. He returns home on those days with newfound information about himself, about his illness, about things he can do to help others. Soon, he says, when he's eighteen, he's going to sign up to be an organ donor. The doctors can take anything they want, he says, if someone will have me…

As for me and Gracie, we try to pass the time as best as we can. She helps me get over my fear of death by fighting with me. Her being a fire-type is especially convenient and helpful—I couldn't have asked for a better new member for the team. She says she'd like to be productive like the rest of the team, and I feel the same way. We have one idea—but it's one I'm skeptical of. I'm still gathering the courage.

Yes, time has passed. It's interesting, really, how certain events slow down time and other events speed it up. Sitting in a pokémon center waiting room or a hospital hindered our journey in more ways than one, for example. Battles and the calling of death startlingly hasten my life and make it feel shorter. Watching Sai jump was an odd, encumbering mixture of both senses.

But that was in the past now. He had made a vow to tell us whenever he was feeling that down again, and so far, we were in the clear. He's so open that sometimes we have to ask him to stop talking, he's going to break our hearts if he speaks anymore. I hope he understands when that happens, but I can't be too sure. He leaves the room and we find him either looking out the window or we find him sitting at the edge of the sea, as if contemplating himself even more, as if he's asking himself, "Who spilled this secret about my past, when it was supposed to go with me to the grave?"

I can tell you, Sai—it was the child within you, the one that still lives inside you despite your age, the one you'll be trying to make amends with for many years to come. I believe you can do it because I'm growing up, too. It doesn't seem like it, but I am. Remember the first time you brought home groceries? You were so excited that you almost blew down the door with your energy. Everyone asked you what was wrong and you only paid attention to me, told me to come to you, you had a surprise. You held out a shining red apple and explained that the clerk told you apples are definitely one of a pokémon's favorite foods. You took a bite out of it and handed the rest to me. I'm feeding you, he said. I helped you start it. Now it's your turn. You reminded me so much of Annie in that moment, but you're a person all your own, with your own quirks and silly stories to be told. You almost made me melt with happiness, you know that? Yeah, well—I don't need that anymore, and that's all right.

Soon enough, it's time. I've heard rumors for the last year that the lighthouse on the southeast part of town is a home to many electric-type pokémon. I'd always wondered—hoped—that there would be an elekid there for me to meet. Ezrem, in his one moment of truth, had told me there are elekid in Johto, after all. Upon asking Jasmine, his words were confirmed, and my chest tightened considerably, so much so that I thought I'd never recover.

Apparently, Jasmine's ampharos is in charge, while there are other trainers' pokémon that give off their electrical energy to keep the light glowing at night for ships. Water-type pokémon trainers are always present, too, to test their abilities. After I explained my situation to her, she encouraged me to talk to her when I was ready, and she would set up a specific day where an elekid could be present. And so I did.

That day is today.

Gracie agrees to come with me. I told her about everything because she's a good listener and she doesn't like to talk about herself except in vague riddles. She's too good to me, really. I enjoy her warmth, her kindness, and if all goes well, maybe she can get something out of this, too.

"Maybe I can get over my fear of water with all those water-types there," she says cheerfully. She seems just as excited as I am, somehow.

"Maybe. Don't tell Kuiora about the place, though, or she'll drive you crazy by asking you to take her there every day."

"I'll keep it in mind."

We make idle chitchat like this, nonsensical and only half-witty, until we reach the front of the lighthouse. Jasmine told us to meet her at the very top, so we start at the very bottom, moving ever so slowly, as if we don't want the suspense to end. Step after step makes me want to cling to her and never let go because I know she won't lie to me. She's not Ezrem. She's not the pokémon whose words still resound in my ears.

We reach the top but see no one. Gracie doesn't seem disappointed, though. She scours the place and realizes that the middle of the room is enclosed by a brick wall that extends to the ceiling. She pushes me to the entrance of the middle of the room, and I try to resist her force, but then I see Jasmine and I stop. Jasmine's smiling that pretty smile of hers and I know she can't be tricking me.

"Jasmine?" I say, as if she's a ghost, a hologram that will vanish in an instant, but Gracie makes one final push and I stumble into her covered feet. The girl laughs and picks me up, unafraid of any possible sparks residing within me. She must be used to this, I think. She must be accustomed to picking up an elekid. One must be here.

She twirls around, me feeling frantic and her being as quiet as ever, and it is then I see them. Not just one elekid, but two. Twins, Jasmine says. Born and raised in Johto by the daycare people. I remember them. It seemed so long ago. If only Ezrem's lies had been exposed then, but this makes up for it. They make up for it. The elekid on the left has a red bow tied to her left spark plug, and the one on the right wears a blue wristband. Otherwise, they're identical, and I can see why trainer wanted to distinguish them. All the same, I know they are just like me. Just like me…

I try to run to them, but I realize I'm up in the air, in Jasmine's arms, and I ask weakly if I can be let down. She obliges and my legs suddenly seem clumsy. I trudge up to them, trying not to seem too eager but I'm sure I'm failing. Awkwardly, I ask if I can hug them. I don't want to get electrocuted and have the moment ruined. They nod, grinning in anticipation.

My life, up until now, has been nothing but a long, long list of events with asterisks next to the ones that would have been better had there been another elekid at my side. I would be lying if I said that everything was marked, but the majority is overwhelming and leaves me to wonder if now I can stop waiting. Is it strange that every day before now suddenly feels like a dream? This seems like a dream, too, my arms wrapped around them, feeling their cold, metal skin against mine.

I want to know all about them. I want to know where they've been, what their trainers are like. I want to save them from their fears, I want to watch them grow old. I want to show them what it means to be broken and then whole again. I want to hold their hands in such a fashion that I won't scratch them. I want them to see the kind of sparks that respond to the music of them laughing.

Before I do any of this, I fear they'll disappear.

Will they?

They're still in my arms. In an instant I gain two friends and my sanity, my hope. I gain this all in one breath. They tell me they know my story, and they're very sorry, but there's nothing more extraordinary than a face that has come so far in life only to finally get what they desire most. They say they can feel my heartbeat—it's still untainted, despite everything. I tell them they're a savior from my loneliness and a cure for my fears. My way of showing gratitude in that moment is just breathing, in and out, and not disappearing on them, too.

When I finally come back to reality, I vaguely hear Jasmine talking to Gracie. She's saying that Gracie should tell me I can stop by when I can. I can help out around here, too, and see the two elekid whenever I want. Gracie, on the other hand, can help out at the gym by brazing together metal statues, which always get ruined in the heat of battle, despite her efforts to keep the battlefield far away. Gracie agrees.

"I've been listening, don't worry," I say, releasing the two elekid. How long had we been embracing? I hope that I haven't made them despise me already, but they seem resolute right where they're standing, as if there's nowhere else they'd rather be.

"So you'll help out then? Is this what you want?" Jasmine asks calmly.

"Yes," I say instantly. "We've been looking for things to do, and this seems right. Now I wonder why I put this off for so long."

"I can understand," the female elekid says.

"Me, too," the male elekid says. "It must've been hard."

"It was," I say, but in truth, the pain seems long gone, dissipated into another dimension, somehow, with this one twist of fate.

I feel utterly relieved and redeemed in the name of my evolution line.

I've decided, and maybe Ezrem has, too, but I won't dare ask. Sai's home is my home. Here in Olivine City, I'm safe and secure. I have exactly what I want. I visit the elekid whenever I want, just as Jasmine had promised, and we get along just fine. We share hopes and tell stories and meet other electric-types that make us feel closer together than ever. Once, I even offer to bring Ezrem with me so he can meet them and see how happy I am, but he declines gracefully. Yes, Ezrem, you lied to me—but you gave me a half dream, one that I don't mind if it rests unfulfilled. I want to visit other places, too, with you and with the others.

"I trust you're doing fine," Ezrem said. "I always knew you'd be fine."

"Did you?"

"Yes. I knew I couldn't fool you forever."

I tell Sai, too, on a day where he doesn't seem exhausted. That's how he comes home most days, and he crashes without eating. Senori has to wake him up so he can get something in his stomach and gain some weight. Kuiora gives the team baths, but she treads carefully with me and Gracie. The two of us stick to ourselves and take normal baths. Atis speaks more and more with every passing day, and soon I think that I'll have to tell him to shut up, too.

We're in our home, I'm in our home, my plugs sparking to a nice internal rhythm. I'm such a small thing still, though I'm grown up—I'm only up to Sai's knees, and I can still fly on Ezrem's back without hurting him. Maybe one day I'll grow bigger, but I'm not concerned at the moment. No one's concerned about changing right now—we've done this enough. Inside we all feel like nobility, special and lucky and completely right. It's like we're draped in gold, watching rainbows glitter at our feet. Here, my team can be anyone they want, can do whatever they want—and so can I.


	30. epilogue

chapter 30 ; [ENSEMBLE]

epilogue

Truly, it is strange how older people and pokémon die so agreeably while younger people and pokémon rot so disagreeably.

The old are—hopefully, usually—satisfied. They goals are accomplished; they've raised enough money and love and happiness in their lives that they can go and hold the hands of those they don't even know. They live with ghosts and they don't mind, because the thing about ghosts is: they can never leave too soon. They spend time together redrawing each other's bones and blood in the most perfect way possible…

The young are more delicate. Unfulfilled and unhappy about it, they struggle to cling to life, to breath. They will claw at each other just to get a chance at their own redemption. Never mind the idea that they all suffer from the same unfortunate fate—they just want to one up each other, at any costs. I don't blame them. I would have done the same, but now…

Whenever death comes for me, I'll be ready.

It's just another bird. Just another bug. Just another branch that's fallen and made a crashing sound.

That's what I used to say, anyway. Now they mean everything to me. I talk to them in the most spacious of voices, able to be interpreted in many different ways. No matter what, the outcome is the same: there is no fire except the one in my heart.

"If I said—listen for a moment, okay—if I said that I had a tiny little pidgey, one just like you, only wounded and ready to die within one more foodless day, and so it needed my care in order to survive, and it looked at me with its sad, sad eyes… Well, if I said that this was all I needed to be content, this poor creature that was useless without me, would you think of me as odd? If I said that I was definitely going to take a nest and move into the middle of nowhere—into these woods, essentially—would you think of me as odd yet again? If I told you that I intended to never be heard of again, that I would become a legend in the making, would you offer to come with me? I think you would. I think you really would."

They don't offer to come with me, but at least I make them think about it.

I'm thankful for many things that I wasn't thankful for before…

I'm thankful for the darkness which I can now defeat. I am thankful for a voice to tell my opinions whenever I have the strength. I'm thankful for both sleepless nights and nights full of dreams, of nightmares. I'm thankful for a world that gives people and pokémon a variety of choices to pick from. Thanks, life, for the simple things and the complex things that make me think. Thanks, life, for providing my team with a sense of toleration for my wavering self. Thanks, life, both for the love that we all deserve, and for the kind of love that is given yet not asked for. I'm thankful. Sincerely—thanks for friends like the one I've been able to come across.

I'm thankful to be a pokémon that can still do humane, helpful things. I'm thankful to live up to my expectations as a fighting-type. Above all else, I'm thankful for Sai's safety and willingness to become stronger, mentally and physically…

The story of this totodile, the story of this croconaw, and the story of the future feraligatr, is a story of naivety and aggression, eventual friendship and supreme strength. She started out as a baby—mature for her age—in the hands of a man who gave her the power and the enthusiasm she needed for success. She was passed on to another boy, one who would treat her with the kind of gentleness that comes from years of wishing and hoping for something great to happen. She went on a journey, hoping to meet a legendary pokémon in the midst of a fantastical myth in the making.

Legends, to me, are the best of history, retold and embellished until they shine. After years of waiting and searching, I've met a legend.

His name is Sai.

I like leaders. Real leaders. Not a wannabe who sweetens the day with complaints and false promises. People and pokémon need someone who is bruised and bleeding, healing and suffocating. They need someone with a temper, a sense of humor, someone who throws obscenities at the wind as if they were born to do so. People and pokémon need someone who can both raise their voice and listen with silent intensity.

Fake leaders sit and wait. Real leaders play the game of life, and they play it right. Real leaders love hard, dreams endlessly, act with high ambitions. The real leader knows how to survive in the toughest of situations and watches as his comrades fall asleep so that he can reminisce on the day and think of ways to improve.

A real leader doesn't hide from things he knows need validation, doesn't lie when he says he will both live and die for you.

(I'll never let you down.)

To the person who will take my heart when I die and the doctors see that I'm an organ donor—

Treat it nicely. It's fragile. It has lists upon lists of views it wants to see, sounds it wants to hear. It doesn't let you hold your breath for too long, lest you should die sooner than expected. It doesn't contain as much blood as you would like it to. Your ribcage can never be small enough to hold it, so expand its consciousness, in and out, and your ribcage will be filled. Let your senses exhaust you to the brim, and follow the premonitions given to you—you'll never regret it. Don't let any other organ suffer from your musings and tears. Most nights, you'll need to cross your arms and strap yourself down. Please don't try to fix the extra red and black stitching on the surface; they were made by my pokémon in the midst of their honest curiosity. Blue eyes, messy black hair, skinny frame… The heart knows only those things, but it will accept you anyway. Know that I'm sorry—I tried my best for you. And remember to feel real.

Sincerely,

Sai Luart


End file.
